Xmas Rock City

I’ve been mildly obsessed with KISS all week. The KISS docs (“KISSOLOGY”) have been on VH1 all week, and I’ve even sat thru that shitty “Storytellers” they did about ten years ago. Like most boys my age I guess KISS was one of my first (if not THE first) musical loves. For no other reason, really, than the fact that they wore evil clown makeup. I guess that means that if Phyllis Diller put out an album I woulda been into her too. I’d see those album covers and man, I’d beg my parents to order the face makeup kit from Sears so I could be Gene or Paul or Ace. My parents, being as thrifty as they were, instead bought me the knock-off version, “LICK.” You’d spread the stuff on your face, look in the mirror and think “I don’t look like Paul at all…is it getting dark in here?” then you’d wake up 3 days later with a squirrel attached to your face. Not good. The country store down the road sold KISS bubblegum cards, which I’d snatch up anytime I got a quarter. I can still picture myself walking down the road after buying a pack and flipping one of the cards over to read that ABC was airing “KISS and the Phantom of the Park”…ON THAT VERY NIGHT!!! Of course, even at age 7 as I was watching I was like “boy…this is terrible…unwatchable even…what’s Neil Diamond doing here?”

KISS is fascinating cause they’ve pulled off a 30-year career, part of which they were the biggest band on the planet, without ever having to bother writing songs that didn't completyl blow. As exciting as KISS was, once you grow up and actually listen, the songs are pretty terrible. And stupid. And as scary as they were when I was a kid, now I realize that even though they were dressed up as the Devil, or a Space Child and wore scary dragon boots, they were basically moaning and crying about girls. Blood would come outta Gene’s mouth, he’d spew fire, and then start singing “oooh, girl, you took my heart and hurt me, ooohh…”…..what the fuck?

I remember sleeping over at Kirby Harris’ house and being so freaked out just by the back cover of Destroyer I was a quibbling mess of bitch tears, begging his mom to take me home while Kirby and my big brother laughed at me. Hey, I was maybe 6 years old, gimme a break. A side note: Kirby’s mom was kinda hot, and several times I “accidentally” walked in on her while she was in the bathroom. “oh, I’m sorry! (linger linger linger, sloooooooowly back out of the door…) Hey, what can I say, I was curious about what the female body looked like. Fucking sue me. And she shoulda been flattered that someone 31 years old would wanna see her naked, for chrissakes.

And how much must it have sucked to be Peter Criss and walk in the day the band decides on who’s gonna be what character, and it’s like oh, great…I’m a kitten. Thanks, guys. Demon Spawn, Rock Star, Rocker Space Child, and Nermal. What the fuck. This reminds me of a few weeks after 9/11 when that bus outside of Nashville was attacked by a terrorist and a few people got killed. How’d that guy feel on Terrorist Academy Graduation Day when their assignments were given?

“Wow!! I’m gonna fly a huge jet into the World Trade Center! YES!”
“Me too!! Fuckin awesome! (high five)”
“I got the Pentagon! This is awesome!! What about you, Assid?”
“What the…Greyhound Bus?...where the fuck is Nashville? A bus??!! Oh, MAN! This is total bullshit!!!!!!”

And now yesterday I see this article. Now, nothing is more fun than watching a Gene/Paul interview: Paul goes on and on about how in awe he is of their fans who believe in KISS so much and the magic of rock n roll while Gene sits there and casually mentions how they’re the richest people in the world, ever, and are looking to buy your house cause he prolly slept with your mom anyways. I could watch them all day. So I’m perusing through this article bemused when I see this:

I will be putting out a Gene Simmons box set called "Monster" -- a collection of 150 unreleased songs.

I immediately do a spit-take of whichever chick’s titty was in my mouth and I’m like, are you kidding me? 150 Gene Simmons songs? And you know Gene is sitting there grinning like a cheshire cat, “oh boy, wait til everyone gets a load of this genius!!!” Ahhhh…Gene….your band has had two songs that people actually like – one’s by your drummer, and the other one actually uses the word “party” as a verb. Please. I shiver to think of what his solo shit must sound like. A vault of solo Gene songs about to be dropped on us? I’m reminded of Pete Rozelle, who upon hearing that the Iran hostages would be given lifetime passes to Major League baseball games said “haven’t they been through enough?” Man.

Ace - drink much?