The Onion

Last night I realized that I never seem to cut an onion the same way twice; I am, I must say, the jazz player of cutting onions. Of course it doesn't help that seemingly every use for onons requires a different cut. I'll be watching a chef on tv cut an onion and I'll be like "oh okay, that's how I should do it." Then next thing I know I'm standing over my cutting board, looking at an onion and completely baffled. "How should I cut this? Where are my pants? Who the FUCK is buying all these Nickelback albums?" So I just start hacking; I'll do a halfway thru cut, then some slicing, then hackety-hack kinda bend it all to what meal I'm using the onion for in the first place. This making any of you ladies out there horny? Hmm.