Friday, November 28, 2008

Give It a Try, Who the Fuck Knows?

It just occurred to me to wonder what’s been the least effective over the years: torture as an intelligence-gathering device, the War on Drugs, or the LA Clippers. Let’s face it – all three have been disastrously useless and costly. Some more than others, but all three would have no problems being first-time honorees on Mount Suckmore.

As a matter of fact, I think in the interest of “why not try, who the fuck knows what’ll work since nothing else has?” we should simply rotate whoever’s in charge of each program and see what happens. Elgin Baylor has decades of experience throwing millions of dollars down a hole with nary an inch of success, why not let him have a crack at the Drug War? Hey, maybe basketball just never was Elgin’s “thing.” And whoever’s been running the drug war, see what they can do with torture. Torture hasn’t helped us win the Iraq War - it’s been a complete waste of time while simultaneously coming at a great cost to us, which means those brilliant generals who have been running the drug war will be able to fit right in. Again we start out at ground zero, but you never know what a new group of faces will think of when offered a new opportunity, right? And the people in charge of torture taking over the Clippers is a no-brainer; those fans have been tortured for so long already they’ll just lay there and take anything you try with a smile on their faces, right? And do you honestly think Dick Cheney a random CIA agent couldn’t throw a dart at the phone book and make better draft picks than Elgin ever did with the Clippers? Camon.

In all three instances, there is no way to lose, is there? If each new agency in charge continues to suck, so what? Who would even notice? But if one of them cracks open the logjam of worthlessness just a little bit, wouldn’t that be some shit?

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