Xmastime. Always Teaching.

Obviously by now, since we're BFF, several people have emailed me to link me to reports that Gordon Ramsay has been having a sordid affair for years. Some were genuinely concerned (Mamalizza), some were gleeful in the apparent comeuppance of one of my heroes (GodIHateYourKitchenNightmares.) Several things have come to mind.

First of all, I have come to treat such celebrity news with the same amount of trust as I have news from the Bush Administration. "Hmm. Really? Hmm. Doubt it."

Secondly, why would he need "sex drugs" ie Viagra? If he needs pills to get him excited enough to fuck his mistress, why not scrap any risk of getting caught and just keep fucking the wife? Hardly seems worth it if you need a "pep talk" whenever you liaison, does it? So. Another ding in such a report.

And finally, whether he is having an affair or not, can we please, as a country, give up this faux fucking outrage whenever we find out rich, famous people are fucking around? Can we all be grownups? Yes, he's probably fucked A LOT of chicks since he's become rich and famous. I'm sorry - I bet a million bucks he loves his wife, but any dude under that temptation is gonna crumble from time to time. Bank on it. I'm still laughing at you idiots who fell for Bush partly cause he was the anti-Clinton - he loved his wife and would never fuck around on her.

Please. Maybe once he hit forty and sobered up, but til then? Camon.

But speaking of Bill Clinton, and husbands cheating on their wives. When Clinton, after repeatedly trying to worm out of the question "why did you do it?" re: Lewinsky, if anybody else remembers, he finally just admitted "cause I could." Everyone at the time was OUTRAGED! at Clinton's arrogance/hubris etc, but I got it right away. Of course he could. He was famous and powerful and (presumably) rich, so he had women throwing themselves at him. He could.

I'm not married. And, to be honest, I don't know a single married man who has cheated on his wife. But I'm gonna guess that a large percentage of men don't cheat on their wives simply cause they can't. Either they're not good-looking enough, or rich enough, or they're worn down by life and marriage; hell, they're probably lucky they got you! They were probably BARELY getting any ass before they married you; certainly these men are not having offers thrown at them. Rarely, if at all.

The next level of men would be married men who are either really good-looking, or kinda rich etc who COULD get a few offers...but not from the likes of a woman worth risking their marriage over. They probably flirt a lot, and maybe slip up with some shy, lonely office secretary once every coupla years, but they're not beating Carmen Elektra off with a stick either.

And then finally you have life's big winners: the rich and famous and powerful. These dudes (good-looking or not) can have pretty much any women in any room they enter. Women throw themselves at them constantly. This dude, like I said about Gordon, really does love his wife, but the quality of these women and their brazen temptations are too much to overcome every time.

So there you have it. I'm not condoning it, but I'm saying let's be a little European about this (which, after all, Gordon is) and not get excited about adults seeing each other's wee-wees.

And if you women have trouble understanding how powerful/less men can be if in position to take advantage of women's affections, think of this:

Think of three women, and these women LOVE shopping. Think about shopping all the time, can't wait to get shopping whenever they can. You've placed all three women in the middle of Macy's Department Store, and have given each women a different amount of money. And you've told these women that under NO set of circumstances are they to buy anything - doing so will result in a large unspecified penalty.

Woman #1, you've given $0 to. She has nothing. So she has nothing to offer. So she's buying exactly nothing. Not buying, no penalty, safe.

Woman #2, you've given $1000 to. She MIGHT buy something, but she can't really buy anything of real value enough to offset the penalty waiting for her. So she probably won't buy anything.

Woman #3, you've given $1,000,000 to. Guess what? She buys ANYTHING SHE WANTS. Anything in the store is available to her. She can spend as much as she wants, and still has plenty for whatever the penalty is. The stuff she can buy is definitely worth the risk of whatever the penalty is.

So. There you have it: men and women. In a nutshell.

You're welcome.