"Words and Music. . .Neither Of Which I Write Myself."

My dream is still to live-blog Eddie & the Cruisers II, possibly the dumbest movie of all time. And me and GodiHateYourCruisers were laughing about it this morning, and I can think of nothing else right now. So here's an old Eddie post in the meantime.

The only thing that saves "Eddie and the Cruisers" from being one of the dumbest, most implausible flicks of all time is the fact that the sequel is even worse. So bad in fact is deserves a running blog while watching, which I promise in the near future.

This thing is basically "Road House" set to Springsteen, isn't it? I mean, wow. And why is Eddie proclaimed to be such a genius if "Word Man" actually wrote all the songs? Eddie's a genius for going "..yeah! that sounds good, Word Man!" Christ. A highlight is when they're recording "A Season in Hell" and he goes on a tirade, shouting "I wanna do something great! I wanna do something ain't no one ever done before!!!" Umm...you mean have Word Man crank out some 3-chord garage rockers that pretty much sounded exactly like every white rock number up to that time? Hmm. Wow, Eddie! You did it again!!!

And when he gets in an argument with Sallie re: "Betty Lou's Got a New Pair of Shoes" being too fast. "I need some space, so people know what I'm singing about!!" umm...Eddie. You're singing about some broad getting some new shoes. Relax. rock it out; it's not "My Back Pages", I don't think anyone's gonna miss anything.

And then there's Wendall. Eddie's "best friend." Gee, I wish I had a best friend who is 1) black (in 1962, mind you) 2) 25 years older than me 3) plays sax 4) never speaks a single word, only nods his head approvingly while I spew my "genius." The big Wendall scene being, of course, the night after he dies and Eddie goes up to the mic at the start af the set to speak. Apparently the director asked Michael Pare "look really really sad!"

"I just buried my best friend...now they tell me I gotta come up here and entertain you people...I can't." and he walks off. Nice. I'm sure the band weren't pissed, I'm sure they weren't thinking "hey thanks a lot fuckface; you might've mentioned this before we set up hours ago, soundchecked, got into our "Cruiser togs" and let 100 people into the bar. Really, thanks."

And then the ending. The big documentary on Eddie comes on tv. Now, you'd think if someone is living and breathing, they might know when a tv special to be shown to about 300,000,000 people is coming on. Might set aside plans that evening and sit down and watch. Eddie? Nah. In the final shot, we see that he's 1) alive!! omigod!!! 2) watching it on the street, through a storefront window with about ten other people clustered around in front of "Ye Olde TV Shoppe." Were these people left over from watching the moon landing? Eddie, Eddie. Too REAL to watch it in his own house!!!

A truly, as the kids say, spectacularly bad movie.