Me: Solving Problems, Making Everyone Happy (As Fucking Usual)

Despite it being well-known that he avoided going to Vietnam every chance he got, nobody in America has been more of a chest-thumping, macho "bring 'em on!" hawk than Dick Cheney. And, of course, we can't go a single day without hearing his snarling about how we need to be tougher in kicking other countries' asses.

But instead of bitching and whining about this, I have an offer for Dick. Let's be honest: we all know he's one surprise party away from his ticker exploding into a thousand pieces. Now, would someone so brave (cough) as Cheney want to go quietly, writhing in his own bed shitting himself? Or would he want to lay his bravery and toughness on the line for the country he claims to love so much? As in, how bout we make a deal with our enemies: one shot, in the ring, with Cheney. A fight to the death to determine victory!!! Mano-a-mano, a fight for country wherein Cheney could celebrate with his vanquished foes' bloody flesh frothing in his mouth, incisors gleaming in the sunlight for all to see!

This is of course the concept of "single Combat", as written by Tom Wolfe in The Right Stuff:

The forgotten term, left behind in the superstitious past, was single combat . . . . In single combat the mightiest soldier of one army would fight the mightiest soldier of the other army as a substitute for a pitched battle between the entire forces.

It's perfect: if he loses so what, he was gonna die soon anyway with his heart condition, and this way he dies with a chance to have his face sewn into the flag. Win or lose, that is.

Naturally brave lads chosen for single combat enjoyed a very special status in the army and among their people (David was installed in the royal household and eventually superceded Saul's own sons and became king.) They were revered and extolled, songs and poems were written about them, every reasonable comfort and honor was given them, and women and children and even grown men were moved to tears in their presence.

Camon Warrior Dick, Dick Warrior!!!! Let's do this!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody get that motherfucker a jump rope and battle axe!!!!!!