Xmastime Book Review

It's hard to put into words just how stupid this book is. I mean, basically it's a 384-page version of those "Bill Brasky" sketches from SNL about 10 years ago. For fuck's sake; it's person after person MARVELING at what a "big" life the Big Man has led - he's shrouded in mystery, yet everybody has some vague notion that he has banged every chick in America and can eat an entire car tire while wrestling Ursa Major. Is this Pecos Bill, or some guy that plays saxophone for about 9 minutes a night out of 200 in another guy's band?

Meanwhile, they make a huge deal out of Bruce writing the foreword (must say, I'm shocked his name isn't even bigger than Clarence's on the cover), yet the thing is an un-Bruce-esque 100 words-ish. I've met Bruce (is that a big deal? sorry, sometimes I forget not everyone hangs out with celebs), and I can promise you he spends more time answering wrong numbers than  he did in the foreword to this book, in which he claims "the only thing you know about the Big man is you wish you WERE the Big Man!"

Ahhhh, Bruce. Brucie. There's maybe three other men on Earth I'd rather be myself than, and Clarence is not one of them. Please. Calm down. I know he's your friend (apparently, after every show Bruce calls Clarence to tell him how great he was during the show. What, as a bouncer? Like the Bush administration, no new attacks, Boss!!!) but calm the fuck down.

Everyone throughout the book talks about the same shit - MAN, who KNOWS what shit really happened to Clarence and what didn't, it's all a blur, he inhales whole rooms in life!!  Luckily for us, the Big Man has inserted whole chapters which he says didn't actually happen, but they could've fit in well with the "big!" life he has led. Wtf - why not have a story in which he turns into a fucking werewolf in the middle of a basketball game? Seriously, how many more times can I bring out that Teen Wolf joke?

Christ. Zero Xmas Trees. Of course a big hint might've been the back cover, which included blurbs from Pat Riley and Artie Lange. The only redeemable parts are the confirmation (well, I guess) of DeNiro stealing the "you talking to me?" schtick from Bruce, and Damon Wayans thinking Bruce hired Little Steven to play guitar because "man, he must really love The Sopranos."