AL Pennant: Thoughts.

 I started thinking this morning about which teams I could live with winning the AL pennant if the Yankees couldn't do it. Here's what I've decided.

Tampa Bay Rays - fuck the goddam Rays. They gave us the shittiest World Series in years. They play in Florida, but under a dome.  I understand the 11,000 grey panthers that shit their Depends for nine innings there need their air conditioning, but camon.
Toronto Blue Jays - when we can all admit that Canadian bacon (or, as I call it, "ham") isn't half as good as American bacon (or, as I call it, "bacon") I'll give a shit about the Blue Jays. Till then, fuck them too.
Boston Red Sox - are you out of your goddam mind? I'd rather there be another 9/11 than another Boston World Series win.
Baltimore Orioles - the O's I don't actually mind. Historical franchise. And the closest one to my hometown growing up; once every blue moon we'd get Channel 20 and Brothatime!! And I would watch fizzy pics of Ken Singleton, Al Bumbry, Rip etc. Also if it couldn't be the Yankees it wouldn't kill me to see Op happy for once in his goddam miserable life. And as I said HERE if Op and Mamalizza got eaten alive by snakes I'd turn into an Orioles fan for Big Bear.

Minnesota Twins - the only reason to hope the Twins go to the World Series is to see how fucking stupid they look for building a new stadium in Minnesota that's not, say it with me, a dome. Yeah, late October/early November in fucking Minnesota. "Baseball weather." "GAME 4 HAS BEEN POSTPONED DUE TO PLAYERS' NUTS BEING STUCK TOGETHER." Fucking idiots. Dome in Tampa, no dome in Minneapolis. Check!
Detroit Tigers - I don't mind the Tigers. winning it for Ernie Harwell's a nice story. I used to love the way their old stadium looked, so dark. and who doesn't love Jimmy Leyland? If the Tigers won it all, I suppose I wouldn't fucking hang myself. unless they did it while running a train on my girlfriend (should she exist by that point.) then I'd be upset.
Chicago White Sox - fuck them. You can only take so much Ozzie Guillen in one decade. Plus the whole "Obama's team!!" shit would be too fucking much. Their own town doesn't give two shits about them, why should I? They are the dried, wrinkled asshole to the Cubs' velvety, delicious pussy. Nom nom nom!!!!!!
Cleveland Indians - I don't really give a shit one way or another, but the Indians going to the Series would almost be worth it just to use the endless Major League comparisons. Which one is Vaughn, which one is Dorn etc etc. Plus, the fucking recycling of Uecker's quotes would be off the charts (Uek's out of the hospital, by the way.)
Kansas City Royals - this would be a great story simply because we'd get to hear George Brett for 2 weeks, an all-time great, funny interview. Also would be a great story because it would mean a team with 50 wins made it to the World Series, so some fucked-up shit will have had to have happened. Asteroid hitting Earth, maybe.

Texas Rangers - ugh. We'd have to see fucking Bush come out and throw a "strrreeeeeeerike!" before every game. fuck the Rangers.
Oakland Athletics - fuck the goddam A's too. though it will be funny when during the Series someone lets that douche Dallas Braden in on the fact that A-Rod's been banging his grandma all season. "Stick it, A-Rod", indeed.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim- congratulations assholes, you have the longest offcial name in all of baseball. You are the Rhode Island of the American League. And nobody gives two shits about you. Fuck off.
Seattle Mariners - wouldn't kill me to see Junior and Ichiro finally win something. but then, it wouldn't kill me if Sex and the City II was a somewhat watchable movie, and that ain't happening either, so.