(L)Umps

One thing that the whole perfect game that wasn't perfect brings to light for me is the state of umpires. For instance, Jim Joyce is 55 years old. What? How can a job that requires someone to run from spot to spot and see bang-bang plays in the blink of an eye be entrusted to someone who's 55 years old? How many others out there are mid-late 50's, if not 60's?  I mean, I've heard nothing other than he's a great ump, but we're kind of asking for trouble, aren't we? To say nothing of the fact that even before last night the sentiment that the umpiring has been awful over the last few years has been growing and growing.

Of course, they're not as old as the fucking Supreme Court or the old fucks in Congress, but still. Camon.

Also, how are these fuckers so fat? They run around in the heat for 3-4 hours a day, and I never seem to see an ump without man titties. Just like cops ("flabulous"!!  hahaha!  I kill me!!!!) or, even more a propos, postmen:

4) Why is every postman I see in my neighborhood horribly obese? Don’t these guys walk like 6-8 hours a day? Christ, 4 years ago I walked ONE hour a day, ate like a lunatic and lost 75 pounds. What the fuck are they feeding these people at the Post Office; are they hooked up to éclair IVs?

Side note: also in that post is my bit about why soccer is gay, which, with the World Cup approaching (I think?), seems timely.

I remain,
The Sausage Party