Owen Wilson died today in a snowboarding accident. Or he didn't. Or he did. Nobody seems to know. I was about to set up my "Woe is me, I pretend to give a fuck about a stranger dying" memorial (candles, candles, CANDLES!, plus a picture of Luke Wilson) to get some sympathy from you people, but now I'm all a fucking twitter that apparently the title for "Dumbest Woman on Earth" has finally been settled, since somebody was fucking stupid enough to marry Joe Francis. You know, the Girls Gone Wild Guy. And now they're getting divorced after two months of wedded bliss. Hmm. He gets paid millions of dollars to walk around the beach getting hot, drunk college chicks to show him their luscious titties. What could possibly have gone wrong? This one's a fucking mystery; I guess you can never tell who's gonna make it when it comes to marriage. People move in together and realize they don't like how the other person keeps their toothbrush on the side of the sink instead of in the goddam toothbrush holder hanging ABOVE the sink, I guess. This one hurts. I had them lasting longer than (insert one of those married couples from the Book of Genesis, or wherever those "Dickhead lived for 900 years, then begat Shithead..." stories are.)
Life. Fucking box of crackers, ain't it?
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