Friday, January 21, 2011

Congratulations - You're This Generation's Todd Marinovich

I don't have kids, so maybe I just don't get it, but nothing has struck me as more pathetic than the string of friends I have who spend their weekends carting their kids all over the state for baseball/golf/paper football/whatthefuckever competitions. Always, of course, thinking he's gonna be the next Mickey Mantle/Tiger Woods/Xmastime in 11th grade study hall/still Xmastime.

And now meet Nick Heras, age 14. Nick has decided he wants to be a quarterback in the NFL. Of course, he hasn't played a down of high school football yet, but that doesn't matter because daddy is dumb enough to drop over $50k/year to send him to the latest racket of rackets, the "youth athletic academy,"  which is jackass-ese for "hey, got some money? sure, we'll take it!"  Obviously Nick's dipshit father has plenty of money, so he's not necessarily seeing the kid as a winning lottery ticket, but he has apparently fallen for the latest craze in parenting: "I must find a way for my child to seem like the single most important, incredible thing IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!"

Nick can't just be some kid who likes playing football; as a child, he must have a purpose - he must of course have been placed on the planet to grace us with his what will surely be a Hall of Fame football career.

One of three things will happen with young Nick:

1) we'll simply never hear about this kid once he drifts into high school football and is just one of 8 million kids playing, and he realizes you can't buy speed or talent.

2) he'll do everything right, go to camps all year long, have perfect form, be a coach's dream, shatter passing records, and then be buried on the depth chart by some kid who rolls out of bed his senior year and decides to play football and runs a 4.26 with a cannon for an arm.

3) Nick either discovers drugs or goes on a shooting spree once he realizes all the years he's pissed away thanks to dad letting him play make-believe (why not send him to a dude ranch? or the school of rock?)

It's idiots like this guy's dad that make the Chinese Tiger woman look perfectly reasonable to me.

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