Hi!
I see you've chosen super-high-profile attorney Judy Clarke to represent you, adding you onto an already long list of high-profile defendants that include "Unabomber" Ted Kaczynski, Olympics bomber Eric Rudolph, 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui and South Carolina mother Susan Smith, who drowned her two sons. That's awesome! Clarke is a great lawyer who CERTAINLY knows how to work under great public scrutiny.
But.
She lost all of those cases. Every one. And sorry buddy, but there's no way in HELL you're getting off either - among your victims was a 9 year-old girl; hell, I'm a commie lefty pinko liberal pussy and I wanna personally flip the switch to fry your ass. So what's the point to bothering with her?
The point is, you're not winning the trial anyways, so why not have some fun? Why go through all this dull, serious rigamarole nonsense when we all know the ending already? Forget Clarke, can't you find some whacky-ass lawyer to put on a show? Surely there's some actor in Hollywood who also has his or her JD, no? Hell, it's ARIZONA - are we even sure you hafta actually be a real lawyer to represent someone in court? In other words, can't you get Carrot Top to represent you? With your bald, insane-looking head as a prop, this trial could keep the country laughing for WEEKS! Hell, as soon as this fucker's done you'll be sucking dicks in the shower until you get sent to the big Looney Bin in the Sky, so you of all people shoulda wanna prolong it and have some final fun, right?
And hell, don't you owe us that much, after what you've done? Camon, you owe us a funny trial. Look at the greatest defendant of all time, Charles Guiteau. He shot the fucking PRESIDENT, and the only reason anybody remembers that president's name is because a certain lasagna-loving, Mondays-hating fatass orange cat is named after him - meanwhile, everybody still remembers Guiteau's crazy-ass, hysterical trial. Defend yourself in court, why not? You have nothing to lose, why not just see how long you can go? Drag the judge into three days of playing Monopoly before he even realizes it by pretending you're walking him through the crime scene - we'd be rivited! ("ohmygod, he's doesn't get it! The judge is actually playing - SHIT, he just landed on Oriental! bwa-haha-hahaha-haha!!!!) Who wouldn't love to do that? Every time someone says something that could be answered with "that's what she said!", just turn knowingly into the camera for us a lá Michael Scott. Hell, just get up there and do some CRAZY ASS SHIT! Believe me, a year from now nobody will even remember these shootings, much less the subsequent trial - unless YOU, and ONLY YOU, take some responsibility and give us something to remember.
I'm just saying, man. Do the right thing. The country was in a deep funk after JFK got shot, until The Beatles showed up a few months later. You, YOU! could be The Beatles this time, and save the whole damn country.
Regards,
XMASTIME
ps - ohmygod, when I first heard the shooter's name was "Jared" I TOTALLY freaked out "oh no, not the Subway guy!!!" you know, cuz I'm trying to lose some pounds, and if this is what happens after you lose a ton of weight then no fucking thanks, I'd rather just be fat, knowwhatImean? But you're NOT Jared from Subway! shew!!!!
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