Oh, For Fuck's Sake

5) I’m starting a “Dudes Whose Lives I’d Like to Have” list. So far I got Hef, Jimmy Buffet and Derek Jeter. As great as it’d be they each have their drawbacks, I suppose. Hef’s old. Buffett, you’d hafta sing ‘Margaritaville' every day. Jeter’s not 100% white. I guess it’s true, nobody’s perfect. - XMASTIME*

Hugh Hefner's "ex-fianceé" has been running around telling anyone who will listen that Hef is a dud in the sack:

Crystal revealed on air that the one time she had sex with the Playboy mogul it lasted “like two seconds.”

“Then I was just over it,” she explained. “I was like, ‘Ahhhh.’ I was over it I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.” Crystal also added, “He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

I don't understand the point of this.  Are we supposed to snicker at Hef for this?  First of all, he's 85 fucking years old; it's a miracle some chick knows his dick even exists. Matter of fact, I'd be snickering at some young hot chick who's willing to bang an 85 year-old for money.  But even more importantly, for almost 50 years, until the explosion (heh heh heh) of internet porn, Hugh Hefner was the sole reason teenage boys even knew what a naked woman looked like.  There's about a billion dudes in the world who owe their fist thrill of the groin directly to Hefner, so instead of laughing at his performance in the sack as an octogenarian, I suggest that as a collective we men stand and salute him with a polite "Thank You, Mr. Hefner" and tell this young lady to go fuck herself (probably on a "leaked" sex tape in the near future.)  Hugh Hefner is a million times cooler than any of us can ever dream of being.


*even funnier from that post: 

6) My personality test results here. Was really hoping I’d hit “Submit” and it would come back with “You’re Awesome!” or “Denzel –is that you??!?!!” I don’t know what any of it means, but apparently I’m a mix of Sally Struthers, Danny Glover and Donald Duck. I’m fat, too old for this shit and don’t wear pants. In other words, these tests are fucking dead-on. Wow.