Solutions. I Have Them.

A coupla nerds are trying to figure out the quickest way to board an airplane, and some astrophysicist has come up with this:

Dr. Jason Steffen, an astrophysicist at Fermi National Laboratory in Illinois, suggests that loading passengers by alternating rows, starting from the back of the plane, is quickest. When loading people in a row, travelers in window seats file in first, then middle seats, followed by aisle seats.

As usual, I have the correct answer, based on how I think we should load OFF  an airplane:

And finally – the fucking unloading of the plane. This a fucking nightmare. It’s exactly like the goddam bus; you stand up, grab your bag, and then stand without moving for 15 minutes. Sounds like sex in the gym shower, no? Anyway – seriously, how can it possibly take so long? How much shit can you have carried on that it takes so long to fucking unfold/delouse while we all stand there? I would like to introduce a new rule: The 30-Second Rule. When the seatbelt sign goes off, ONLY the people who think they can get their shit and themselves off the plane in 30 seconds are allowed to get out of their seat. That should clear out about ¾ of the plane, leaving the fuckwads who have apparently spent the flight laying out a royal wedding china table setting in the carrier bins to take their sweet time exiting the fucking plane.

Simply do the reverse - the people who can run in and be in their seats within 30 seconds go first, then people go according to their luggage; whichever asshole has the most luggage and is fumbling around with it has to try to stow it all as the plane is taking off for everyone else's amusement.  Also: any of the 30 second people who can't actually be strapped in within 30 seconds will be pushed off the plane in mid-air.