Cell Phones. And I'm Bored.

3) If you’re one of those people in a public place who starts waving his or her cellphone in the air looking for a signal, you’re an idiot. How do you not feel retarded? “Look at me, I’m waving a lit phone around! Look at me!” My only hope is that a plane mistakes you for his crew chief and lands on top of you. Asshole. - XMASTIME

Here's a list of 7 WAYS YOUR CELL PHONE MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

Here's some previous Xmastime gems since lately I seem too lazy/uninspired to come up with anything new to say to you people.  Ugh.
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I have a suspicion that "igh" making the hard "i" sound would never had happened if texting on cell phones was around back when they came up with that shit, right? How fucking aggravating is that shit - one of the most used groups of letters we have, and all three are on the same number. Slows everything down. My thumb going round the keypad in a blinding flurry, knocking out whole words in seconds and then I...pause, wait for cursor to move...g...pause, wait for cursor to move...h...gotta go find phone I just threw into the street...fuuuuuuck!  Luckily of course this is sometimes overshadowed by the fact that for some reason to use the number 1 or 0 I have to go through about 15 fucking symbols for each goddam one. 1 and 0, the most fundamental and primary of all numbers, and I gotta get fucking carpel tunnel to type the number 10.

*****

What sucks about drunk texting and emailing taking over for old school drunk dialing is that in the old days, if the girl could tell early enough that you're shitfaced (usually not too tuff in my case, natch) she could cut you off before you make a complete fool of yourself and say hey look you're drunk let's talk tomorrow. Right? But a text, or an email...there's no tone, the telltale signs (slurring/yelling/calling in the first place etc etc) aren't there. And even if she does somehow pick up you know what, I think he's drunk, there's no WAY she's not gonna read the whole thing. How can she, it's right there for her. Is she not human?

I feel like we've taken a step backwards here. I fear for the next generation of great, drunken, could-be Romeos. I don't know what to tell you, fellas.

*****

I hate the fucking cell phone battery displays that are just a coupla fucking bars. What the fuck? I can tell when my phone is completely charged, and I can tell when I have about 2 seconds of juice left. Everything in between is a fucking crapshoot that makes absolutely no sense. Why the fuck can't it just display a % number, like laptops? But no, it insists on three useless bars. "Hi!  Lookit us!  Aren't we cute?" It's like trying to tell time with an hourglass:

"You have this much time left in the day."
"Really? How much time is that?"
"I have no idea."
"Great."

*****

My phone just lit up and beeped to let me know the battery is about to die and needs to be recharged. Oh goody, there it goes again. Apparently it does this every 30 seconds. Which, I would think would...wear down the battery. Who's the wizard behind this? If within the next 11 seconds as I walk to my charger I'm attacked by rapid meerkats and can't call for help because my cellie has just died thanks to this shit, I'm suing EVERYbody.