More Church du Jour

Reuben: Ho, ho... "It's never been tried." It's been tried. A few guys even came close. You know the three most successful robberies in the history of Vegas?[flashback - the gaming room at the Horseshow, in black-and-white] Number three, the Bronze Medal - pencil-neck grabs a lockbox at the Horseshoe... [a man grabs a lockbox out of a guard's hand and runs for the door, and six guards instantly tackle him to the floor]...he got two steps closer to the door than any living soul before him. Second most successful robbery... [flashback - the gaming room at the Flamingo, in grainy color. A long-haired man is running for the door, clutching a bag]...The Flamingo in '71. This guy actually tasted fresh oxygen before they grabbed him. [the man gets within a few feet of the door, before a guard smashes him across the face with a nightstick] Of course, he was breathing out of a hose for the next three weeks. Goddamn hippy.

Dear Williamsburg Hipster Father of Two Little Boys in the Pew In Front of Me:

You can't sit there in the middle of Mass while your two young sons physically climb over you and into the aisle, tearing off for the front door, and then pretend to look baffled as your wife has to chase after them. "Huh? What?" You're right there! They LITERALLY had to climb over your lap to escape the pew! And then of course he does nothing to them when they're finally dragged back, lolling on the pew for the next thirty minutes like they're at Beach Week.

It's not really worth the time to consider what would have happened if Brothatime!! and I had attempted this jail break during our own youth, but if we may suspend belief long enough to imagine the laws of all known sciences ceasing to exist long enough for us to get past our dad, blocking the outer end of the pew like (insert whatever famous hockey goalie here, I am not Canadian so I do not know/give a fuck), I'm fairly certain that by the time we inhaled the intoxicating fresh air of freedom our dad would've somehow arranged for a car to come tearing down the street and plow over us to teach us a lesson.