‪“So let’s use the Georgia Bulldogs for the photo!” #wtf ‬

This Was a Good Question

Sad Because it’s True

Me, every time I’m trying to get ice cubes out of the tray: “ dear GOD there’s got to be a better way...”

Twitter Zinger!

OMG du Jour

Just found out Buddy Holly’s oldest brother is sill alive and my mind is BLOWN.

State du Moi

I’m always legitimately surprised to hear the Food Channel is still a thing.

Weird Political Shit

I don’t wanna be a cranky old man but when did it become de riguer that our vote for the leader of the free world should hinge on how irresponsibly he or she’s willing to eat at town carnivals? 🤔

I’m Calling BS.

Vulture has a list of the best fictional tv schools HERE but they left off Carver High so they can just go ahead and burn in hellfire forever. 

#1 Uber

Just had my favorite Uber driver ever: drove like a bat outta hell, honked furiously at every car that deigned to be in front of us and even gave a “WTF?” to a cop. My only regret is that I cannot give him 6 stars.

Snarkitty Snark du Jour

Things Are Good, Vol. XX

People like to sound smart by pointing out that WWII propelled our economy to unparalleled heights. So why don’t we just recreate it over and over? Build tanks/planes nonstop etc. then blow them up and start over. Just do everything we did from 1941-1945 over and over again in real time. I. AM. A. GENIUS.

One of the most debilitating parts of being poor are food deserts - places in the country without access to grocery stores, depriving them of affordable and nutritious food. Meanwhile, people LOVE food trucks. So why wouldn’t a major shopping chain - even Giant, the absolute worst - build the world’s largest food truck and bring the store to these food deserts? I’m sure they could get a big kickback from the government, and how great would that publicity be? I. AM. A. GENIUS.

Was The Band having a go at us in their song The Weight by naming the central character “Fanny”? In that upon hearing it it’s natural to think “take a load off, Fanny” is “take a load off, Annie”. The f-f consecutive sound seems needlessly confusing; perhaps they did it so they could incredulously scoff at people at dinner parties who sang the chorus? I mean, wtf?

I can’t believe it’s fucking 2019 and the MLB Network still has blackout games. Living near Baltimore as a Yankees fan, this means I can’t watch ONE FIFTH OF THE GODDAM GAMES!!! How does this make sense - in NYC for instance, how many cord cutters are they losing out on because of this ridiculous rule? Why can’t we just simply show that we don’t have cable? This isn’t 1955 when I can simply decide to go to the ballpark and drop $2 for a ticket; nowadays you hafta mortgage you house and show the still-beating heart of your first-born son to go to a game. I can’t believe that in 2019 enough people with money and power (ie, not me) haven’t raised holy hell about this.

I’ve always appreciated how ESPN ludicrously has announcers spend hours pretending to make the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating seem like a real sporting event. But at this point, why not just have actual comedians come and do the broadcast? Imagine a Chris Rock spending the entire time remarking how ridiculous the whole thing is, or Bill Burr excitedly hoping someone chokes to death? Come the fuck in already, ESPN!

One of my favorite scenes of the old show Fame is when it’s this girl’s first day at the school and she nervously goes to the cafeteria for lunch. Already insecure her talent and feeling like she doesn’t belong there, suddenly a full-on jam breaks out with the other kids (see below.) She’s even more overwhelmed by everyone else’s talent and completely crushed. But how great would it be if the next day she walks into the cafeteria for lunch and the same kids break out and perform the exact same jam? She’s like, “wtf...” and then by the end of the week she realizes this is just something these kids do every day - it’s the only song they know - and instead of being intimidate by them she just wants to pull out an Uzi and blow them all away? Ha!    

I Mean FFS du Jour

Prelude: Downton Abbey Movie

I'll have my full review of the Downton Abbey movie up tomorrow; please enjoy my Instagram story leading up to it for a little tease! 😜

Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Bum

As all of you oh-so-loyal fans well enough know, one of my all-time favorite superslices is The Archies' Sugar Sugar. It made my all-time Top Fifty Song List, and is scheduled to be played at a crucial time during my comically long funeral celebration ("Also, don't let Dave forget the up and down tease as they lower and raise my casket into the grave to Sugar Sugar). AND, thanks to
RRTHUR (yes, ladies, THAT RRTHUR!!) I got this:

Thats Ron Dante, as in Ron Dante, lead singer of the Archies, bitches!!

ANYhoo, turns out that the songs landed at #1 on the charts 50 years ago, up against some incredible competition:

...who knew that the year that produced songs like "Fortunate Son," "Age Of Aquarius" and "Everyday People" would crown a bubblegum pop tune by a fictional cartoon band as its top song of the year? "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies – yes, from the comics – was named No. 1 on Billboard's Year-End Countdown in 1969. The song first hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 on Sept. 20 of that year. 

Once radio did start playing it, there was no looking back. "Sugar, Sugar" would spend 22 weeks in the Billboard Hot 100, four of those weeks — Sept. 20 to Oct. 11 — atop the No. 1 spot.
The Archies is not only the first fictitious band to reach No. 1 on the Billboard charts in the U.S., but is also the only group to reach such heights without ever performing the song live onstage.

It was the total apex of all the GREAT bubblegum songs being pumped out of studios by made-up bands (including Creed Bratton's own fantastic Grass Roots).

What. A. Fucking. Perfect. Song.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I can’t believe this is Hank Williams.  I mean, Ken Burns is just the best. 

Solutions. I Have Them.

2011 me: If Obama owned a funeral home, Republicans would stop dying.

2019 me: Obama should come out and say he’s voting for Trump. Republicans will shit themselves getting rid of Trump to spite Obama, which they put above all else. 

10 Years Ago Today: My Manny Career Ends

A few hours later, Loretta jumped up on the couch and started barking like crazy at the window.

“Mama’s home!  Mama’s home!”

Chuck started doing his “Mama’s Home! Dance”, running in circles and screaming at the top of his lungs.  I heard a car door shut and then, a few seconds later, the jangling of keys outside the front door.

“Well, hi everybody,” Beval said as she walked into the living room.  Loretta jumped up and down in front of her, and Chuck sprinted at her to give her a hug.  I leaned my head back so it was on the chair, and exhaled.

It was over.

I was done.

I walked three blocks over to Metropolitan and Powers, where I decided to finish the job in style by calling a car to take me home.

“Hello, Metroline.”

“Hi, I’m at Metropolitan and Powers.”

“Where you going?”

“Metropolitan and Wythe.”

“Five minutes.”

I put the phone back in my pocket and waited on the corner.  I began to think about The Dell, with everyone loving to hear how I watched Chuck, and I remembered Charlie Brown saying something about a book.  Hell, maybe I should write that book.  Instead of worrying about making something out of myself, maybe I already had.  Maybe in our three years together, I’d grown as much as Chuck had – at worst, him showing me that I didn’t have to be a loser for the rest of my life might have been the one small step that would make all the difference.  As I looked across the thick, hazy street, images of our days together began rolling in front of me like an old film.  I saw him getting bigger, talking and laughing, going from a pile of skin that did nothing but sleep and cry to a grown boy; by the end of the movie, I was shocked at how much he’d changed.  And in every image, I was with him.  And he was with me.  He was my best friend.

Suddenly I ran around the corner as fast as I could and crouched down with my back against a brick building, squatting as if I was a catcher.  I crossed my arms on my knees, laid my head on my arms, and cried without control.

Happy 13th

Happy 13th Birfday to The Short Bus, an Xmastime All-Star from the beginning. Ten years ago this week my three year tour of duty as his Manny ended. Here's the video I posted 10 years ago today. Happy Birfday, lil' buddy. I hope I'll always be Rats to you.

Texas Forever

Recently I've gone down my yearly Friday Night Lights rabbit hole so I thought I'd give you people a treat and post every Tweet I've ever made about the show (that was searchable with advanced Twitter search, obs.) Enjoy!

Stuff It!

On a whim I tried Giant’s version of Stove Top stuffing and folks, I’m here to tell you: it is not good. 

Some of you may remember that one of my very first posts back in 2005 was about Stove Top!

was about Stove Top!

It Ain’t No Sun to Be Glad You’re Alive

(Reposted from last year)

I remember the day after 9/11 when we were all at the Turkey's Nest, collecting ourselves and making sure everyone was okay, and listening to the tales of a guy who was downtown when it happened. We were dumbstruck as he told us stories of seeing falling bodies and body parts; we all, including him, marveled that he'd survived.

But the one thing I'll remember for all my years, long after I've forgotten about 9/11, is what he said at the door as he was leaving. Muttering under his breath, I don't think anyone else even heard him, he said "Now after all that, watch me walk out the door right now and get hit by a fucking bus."

29 Years Ago Today...

...the funniest scene with Uncle Albert was filmed. It's all David Jason can do to hold it together. A Top 5 classic!!

September 8

38 years ago today Only Fools and Horses debuted. Here's a scene from the second episode that displays Del Boy's smooth af sales technique.

SIDE NOTE: the actor buying the car later popped up in Series 5 as Jumbo Mills, one of Del's school mates who opened a jellied eel shop with him called "Eels on Wheels"...which was the subject of my first ever Wikipedia edit!!!!

First Day Back to School!

Another year - when does it get easier??!!

OMG They Really ARE Just Like Us!

Here's Prince George on the way to his first day of school while cutting a fart in his little sister’s face.

I Call This...

..."nachos". #Hormel

Mind Blown du Jour

I just realized that Ron from A Different World and Vanessa from The Cosby Show have been in a long-term relationship since 1993.

Between Two Ferns

I don't know how they're gonna drag this out for a whole movie but I am LOVING the idea of a Between Two Ferns movie. See the trailer below and then spend your weekend down the rabbit hole watching previous episodes.

45 Years Ago This Week

An all-time classic made its BBC debut: Porridge. Starring the iconic Ronnie Barker - David Jason's mentor in Open All Hours - and Richard (yes, father of Kate) Beckinsale, who also starred in Rising Damp before dying suddenly at he tragic age of 31. Fletcher's world-weary prison lifer paired with Lenny's innocence made for pure gold, but in comedy and warmth. HIGHLY recommended - get thee to Britbox now to watch!!

Please Let Me Be There...

...when they realize Trump’s backing out on paying them.

Fucking Hell.

Fucking idiots discovering they can make a ton of cash from this will only make sensible gun control an even more unreachable dream. Great.

FNL Truth du Jour

I could live another 1,000 years and I’d still jump with joy and scream at the tv through salty tears every time I saw the scene with Buddy Garrison telling Joe McCoy and the Panthers to go fuck themselves.

He's Back!

This is a cow who is wondering if it’s right to think it quite ironic that stale bread does not make good toast. #Officecow