First of all, the “little sitcom that could blows up and is now in the clutches of the suits” nightmare scenario is officially in full swing. For years now, we've heard that the writers had a neatly-packaged 3-season run planned with a complete, fulfilling story arc and that would be it. But of course its success forced Apple’s snout into the mix, starting in season 2 with insisting on 12 episodes instead of 10. And now for the third “and final” season we see not only are there 12 episodes again, but they’ve gone from being a tightly-packed sitcom-length 30 minutes to a fucking-are-you-kidding-me bloated 52 minutes, until last night’s absurd 64 minutes.
One problem is that it’s become obvious that the writer’s room is packed to the gills; in previous seasons most of the episodes were written by some mashup of Kelly/Sudekis/Goldstein/Hunt, with some variables thrown in here & there. Such a tight core of writers who created the show and thereby know the characters the best, and for whom the entire story arc is the most clear, is ideal in a British-style sitcom, the opposite of American writers that have long stuffed themselves into the aforementioned stuffed to the gills writers room. And it’s only gonna get worse if they do try to squeeze out another season even further away from the original creator’s intent. John Sullivan landed the series finale of Only Fools and Horses PERFECTLY; 5 years later when public the public demanded more OFAH Sullivan obliged and while nobody would say those final 3 episodes are the cream of the crop, they’re still all good to very good and CERTAINLY held true to the characters, thanks to the singular vision of Sullivan that was allowed to bring itself to fruition.
I will now take you through the absurdity of each character:
TED LASSO: three seasons in and now more than ever it’s a burning question re: why the fuck is Ted still in England? If he wants to be a good father, which he seemingly does, why would he park himself halfway around the globe with his son roughly the same age Ted was when his own father left him (albeit by suicide in his case)? Oh wait that’s right, because his wife wanted “space”. In which case I’m sorry but you could’ve just moved across town but okay, we go along with the whole move to England thing because it is after all a tv show. But she needs space for 3 years? With a young son? And now she’s dating so she probably needs less of Ted’s space” and more co-parenting, no? At this point I’m willing to assume that the ending will be Ted’s triumphant return home, but at this point I can see the Apple money truck figuring out a way to fuck that up.
REBECCA: I’ve already rolled my eyeballs out of my head re: the ridiculousness of her SCREAMING!! at Ted after every loss. But the incredible regression over her shit with Rupert plus now some sudden oh we’re supposed to come along with her on some tear-jerking journey over having a baby – when only last year she was fucking a 20-something stud on her own team – is remarkable in how little it makes me give a shit about any of it. You’re fucking insanely rich, you own a Premier League team, you can have any dude you want and just fucking adopt a baby after lunch today; instead, we’re supposed to believe it’s a gut punch every time Rupert once again is seen sniffing around girls young enough to be his granddaughter.
KEELEY: what’s the fucking point of having her start some new pr firm or whatever if all we’re gonna do is try to shoehorn reasons for her to be hanging around Richmond? JUST FUCKING KEEP HER PUT WORKING FOR RICHMOND!! Yes, I’m sure it’s very normal for an Instagram influencer/model to be handed a swimming pool-sized sack of cash to start a business while spending an entire year before knowing what a CFO is (eyeroll), but now, with only a few episodes left (hopefully) we hafta care about the strums and drangs of office life with Keeley, including her dipshit friend which thankfully only lasted a few episodes in typical Ted Lasso fashion (tho if I'm right in wondering if her entire raison d'etre was for the writers to have some Jerry fucking McGuire moment I will flip this goddam tale over right now), and of course she’s hooking up with a woman which anyone with a brain saw being telegraphed a million miles away, all presumably to really “throw a curve” into the whole Roy/Kelley thing. Which brings us to:
ROY & KEELEY: the only thing dumber than having them break up in the first place is that 6 episodes later even the two characters, with access to professional writers paid to put words into their mouths, can’t seem to understand or articulate why they broke up. If it comes up in conversation each will kinda of mumble something something something, almost as if actually breaking the fourth wall and just asking the audience “yeah, why DID we break up?” And OH YEAH about once an episode we need to be shown a quick instance of Keeley wondering if she messed up and should really be with Jamie, a viewpoint shared by NOBODY EVER ON PLANET EARTH OH FFS JUST PUT ROY & KEELEY BACK TOGETHER AND FUCKING BE DONE WITH IT!!!!!
SAM: Here’s Sam in Season 2: has an affair with the boss, opens a restaurant, is offered like a kazillion dollars to star on his home team back in Africa, is the subject of league-changing trade rumors, and much more great shit I can't even remember anymore. Here's Sam in Season 3: last night he tried to get the guys stay in for a movie night and..........that’s about it.
DANI ROJAS: the less we say about Dani “I’m gonna say one really, really dumb thing per episode and maybe spend a few moments squealing at Zava like a schoolboy”, the better.
COLIN: turns out Colin is gay, and is scared to come out of the closet because of the backlash he’d get from his world of professional athletes. I’ve watched Ted Lasso for more than 5 minutes so I know how these things go so CAN WE JUST FUCKING SKIP AHEAD TO THE NOT-A-DRY-EYE-IN-THE-HOUSE MOMENT OF ROY KENT MAKING A BIG SHOW OF HUGGING COLIN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE SO COLIN IS THEREIN ACCEPTED BY EVERYONE WHILE BEING GAY THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS.
NATE: this may be the biggest disappointment of all; at least with Nate I had thought we’d get a snarling Darth Vader, pushing his pieces around the chess board against Ted for a cataclysmic ending (during which of course he’s going to see the error of his ways and come back to Ted’s warm embrace which for some reason is still to be found in London). But so far this year, other than a snarky line at a press conference and for some reason being too dumb to just shake Ted’s hand after he beat him on the pitch, he’s mostly just sniveled around & around in a pool of … nothing, really? Oh yeah the hostess at that restaurant he’s obsessed with is suddenly VERY interested in him after watching the model chick humiliate him, yes yes of course that’s what normally happens…Nate’s being a Premier League manager isn’t enough to get her attention, but watching him be humiliated by another woman spins her pea yes, of course. Got it. I've dated women who were out of my league and yes, that can be like catnip to other women who can't help but wonder that I must be incredibly rich or hung like a chimney. But while they were very keen to show interest in me while I was with said women, I'm 100% certain that if at any time I was left between the appetizer and the appletini in such a humiliating fashion as Nate was, any other woman would be more like "oh okay it makes sense now I''m no longer interest in him" and less "wow she just treated him like a piece of shit so let me crawl up onto his lap and not blink while he tells his shitty life story". The whole Nate Turns Evil thing has been a big fat airy waste of time, fuck you very much.
ROY/JAMIE/BEARD: they’re all fine. Beard’s exactly the same, although I don't know why they haven't discovered that he & Trent Crimm should be best friends as they're the only two in the room who've ever read a book or seen a movie that's not a rom-com or superhero flick. Roy, other than the ridiculous breakup bullshit, is same old Roy (wait – no funny niece this season?!?where's she been?) and delivered maybe the biggest laugh for me so far with his over-nodding when Ted correctly says “maths”. And as for Jamie Tartt-ta-ta-ta-tata-tata-Jamie Tart, the whole “from an babydick asshole to the nicest person in the world” story arc is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiit much, but he’s so likable and to be honest his scenes with Roy fucking Kent are the best thing about the goddam show right now.
And what happened to the bar guys & Mae? I’m sorry, but the episodes are like 40 fucking hours long now and there’s not time for these pure bringers of joy? Grrr. GRRR!
I still really wanna love thew show and I know they'll somehow nail the landing in the end and I'll be curled up under my bed with my funny dog slippers (on my feet) bawling my eyes out but TED LASSO YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON BLAST!!!!!
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