TED LASSO: I've screamed so much about "why is he still in London" re: his kid so much I've given up, but the whole thing about him trying to ascertain if his wife was being proposed to over the weekend was too much to bear. Any normal situation in which an ex has a reason to wonder whether or not their ex is about to receive a marriage proposal would entail 1) simply asking said ex, or 2) just waiting until she gets back at the end of the long weekend...do we really think she WOULDN'T mention "oh by the way I'm engaged now"? And wouldn't a little thing called alimony be brought up? But no, of course what does Ted do? Hires a private investigator to find out if the proposal's going sown in Paris. Oh wait - he GETS HIS FUCKING BOSS TO HIRE A PI FOR HIM!!!! which just adds another layer of oh what the fuck are we even doing here??
KELLEY: I fucking hate Keeley now. Like, officially. Thanks to the show deciding episodes need to be 60+ minutes each - thank you, asshole Apple money truck - we're getting about 20-30 minutes each episode of Keeley either carrying on with her boss, which nobody fucking cares about ESPECIALLY WHEN WE KNOW SHE'S GONNA END UP WITH ROY KENT, or getting a hint that ooooooh, maybe she'll go back with Jamie Tartt??!! The uselessness of all this is still overshadowed by her business, in which she's some sort of "PR whiz kid!" who's been handed what we assume is a staggering amount of cash to be a bad-ass bitch baller boss, and yet every episode we're treated to watching her say things like "What's a CFO?" or being surprised to learn who her main VC is. For fuckssake I HATE KEELEY AND JUST WANT ALL OF HER SHIT TO BE OVER!! It's thanks to her we also have the world's most unbelievable locker room scene; I understand there's several levels before it becomes "locker room talk" as prescribed by a certain ex-president, but no group of 20-something athletes meet "celebrity nudes leaked!" with "whoa whoa guys, let's proceeded with caution and respect!" I mean I wanna believe they're all nice too but come the fuck on already. WHICH only serves to remind us that we're led to believe it's some super-duper British celebrity scandal that...includes Kelley? Really? Liz Hurley, Kate Winslet and...Keeley? Really? I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER NOW!!
NATE: AGAIN we get a big chunk of the episode devoted to him but instead of the Darth Vader Nate we were promised last season we keep getting "sweet, bumbling Nate" who somehow hooks up with a girl who's a trip away to the salon from being a model and yet falls for him. OH! - and she seems to go out of her way to remind us she's completely unaware of his status as the manager of a Premier League team, which you'd think would be Nate's calling card with the ladies, but we're supposed to believe gee, she just really loves the lug! Once again postponing any fucking Vader/Luke clash we've been expecting. The entire Nate thing has had all the lifeblood sucked out of it by now and I don't fucking care what happens to him even though because it's Ted Lasso WE KNOW HE'S GONNA END UP BEING BROUGHT BACK INTO TED'S OPEN ARMS EVEN THO - JUST LIKE HIS REBELLION IN THE FIRST PLACE - NONE OF IT IS WARRANTED OR DESERVED AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!
SAM: was Sam even in this episode? Probably not, since last week we suddenly had him back in the forefront being asked to save all humanity which means of course we're already back to just pretending none of it ever happened. On that note hey, remember Zava? Yeah, me neither.
REBECCA: I don't really care about all of the suddenly-integral-to-her-character shit we're supposed to be invested in - her screaming at Ted after every loss or wanting to have a kid or whatever; just put her on the boat with that rando she's almost hooked up with and push them both the fuck out to sea already. Right now her character seems to serve as a reason for Kelley to ball up next to her shouting about how hot she is or has great tits or whatever; her character has become yet another waste of space & time on this show.
ROY KENT: his childish stuff around the Diamond Dogs is annoying but as long as him & JAMIE TARTT have some scenes together, they're one of the few things left that's great about the show. On a side note, the physical comedy of watching Higgins framed by the door window sprinting to get to the Diamond Dogs was fantastic; I only wish that after the Diamond Dogs session was over they had them do the exact same thing but running back out the other way. Also, I'm all in for Trent Crimm form the Independent joining the Diamond Dogs.
BEARD: normally Beard gets a pass for being Beard, but this episode he seemed to be used solely to spell out what Hey Jude means to Ted's curiously-grown-kid-who-demands-nighttime-stories-be-read-to-him-by-daddy. I mean, really? One of the biggest hits ever from the single biggest band in the world and we hafta take 5 minutes explaining it? Wouldn't it have been MUCH more effective & powerful to let the viewers make the connection - one which is about as obvious as remotely possible - themselves? On a side note, maybe the greatest crime of the episode is the busker playing the song deciding to wrap it up as random people are still streaming in to listen. Ummmmm....that's not how that shit works; if one people is still coming down the street with a nickel in his hand you keep playing. Dafuck? ON A SIDE NOTE: the episode's use of The Kinks' Strangers, my second-favorite Kinks song, was totally wasted in a random "players milling about the locker room" scene. For a show that's been pretty good with a lot of music dropped into scenes this was ridiculous and unforgivable.
COLIN: other than my usual bitching re: the surprise isn't that he's gay but that with a tiny body like that we're supposed to believe he's a professional Premier League player. But how great would it be if during the scene with Isaac seeing his photos, therein finally revealing to a player that he's gay, the camera shows the photo and it's the most vile, disgusting version of whatever people who hate gay people think gay people like to look at? And as it cuts back and forth between Isaac looking at Colin's phone and then looking at Colin, each time we see a different such picture of random gay dudes enjoying themselves? Camon Ted Lasso, give us something!! Otherwise I'm still assuming that at some point Roy Kent will just walk up to Colin and put his arm around him in front of everybody to let them know that they're still supposed to think of Colin as a fellow human being they care about then TA-DA! hating on gay people will be solved forever.
I just can't anymore, I. just. can't. And this is all the shit I'm remembering while screaming on a Sunday morning; god forbid I go back and watch the episode again to find more shit to scream about.
As you know I've blogged a million times about Ted Lasso episodes and recapped many of them, I guess you can find them all HERE.
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