A Chicken Biscuit of Shame

I spend a lot of time wondering how it's possible that I (supposedly) live in a building with more than 600 people & yet I've seen like 4 of them in the three years I lived there. While doing just that a few days ago I was craving a chicken biscuit from Bojangles, presumably because I have working taste buds, but didn't wanna rope myself into buying a bunch of chicken & biscuits so that ordering it from UberEats made sense; normally that would be the permission I'd give myself to inhale whatever else they could fit into the U-Haul truck car but for once in my life I'm trying to be somewhat sensible (I was gonna write “about food” there but let’s be honest it could really apply across the board when it comes to your old pal Xmastime), so I ordered four large iced teas to go with the one biscuit instead - the cost would legitimize ordering UberEats, and I'd enjoy the iced teas throughout the next day or so.

An almost unbelievably slow 20 minutes passed until my phone pinged my order had arrived; I flounced down the hallway, into the elevator, down 6 floors and into the lobby without seeing another person which, as I referenced before, is par for the course for my building. And so of course waiting for me was:

As in, what's normally used to lug (I promise that's the correct word) orders such as:

Long story probably even longer, on my walk/elevator ride back upstairs suddenly the fucking cast of Ben-Hur shows up; I go weeks without sharing an elevator & now was in one crowded with people staring at a guy holding a foot locker of what they'd rightfully assume to be fried chicken. I tried to make a lame joke like "hey, party at #613!" or “I didn’t even know Bo’s had salads this big!” but trying to pass myself off as anything other than a big fat fuck scurrying back to his apartment to eat a toddler’s body worth of Bojangles fried chicken, probably in his tighty-whities while screaming at X-Files dvds, was futile at best (at worst? cultural appropriation 😔).

Once back in my kitchen, this was how the inside of the box looked:

I sprinted back out into the hallway to shout out to all the people who'd been wandering around the halls/stuffed into the elevator , but nobody was there. I tried to do an Ebenezer Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol thing ("at the end of A Christmas Carol"...as opposed to the end of that very special episode of Diff'rent Strokes with Gordon Jump, I suppose?") by throwing open my window & shouting out the truth into the streets, but my window only opens about 4 inches so the best I could do was look like a fucking idiot instead.

Of course.

And yes. The biscuit was fucking incredible.

The tea was fine. I guess. Who remembers tea?