Tuesday, September 30, 2025
Lovely Jubbly! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧
To Be Honest....
7th UPDATE: You Are Freaking Me Out Now, Apple
Nine Eighteen Twenty-seven Thirty-six Forty-five Fifty-four Sixty-three Seventy-six days ago, I mentioned how strangely fresh an apple in my fruit bowl was looking:
Ever since Super Size Me first came out everybody wants to push some crazy story about how fake the Big Mac is based on it supposedly never rotting away - "OMG Ben Franklin put a Big Mac on his counter and now just two weeks ago the fucking thing learned how to drive a stick shift!!!" - but meanwhile I bought this apple so many weeks ago I can’t remember when and it looks the exact same as when I bought it. 🤔🤷♂️
Here's that apple 76 days ago:
Here's that apple 63 days ago:
Here's that apple 54 days ago:
Here's that apple 45 days ago:
Here's that apple 36 days ago:
Here's that apple 27 days ago:
Here's that apple 18 days ago:
Here's that apple 9 days ago:
Aaaaaaaaand here's that apple today:
When I Was Younger, So Much Younger Than Today
Yesterdayallmytroublesseemedsofaraway I mentioned Paul McCartney playing Help! for the first time ever and now here it is this is YOU'RE welcome, EARTH!
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show
I found myself really sad immediately after The Ramones had played my college because I knew in my heart I'd never see them again, and I found myself having a similar feeling this Saturday when I watched Marky play the CBGB Festival, that it was probably the last time I'd ever see one of The Ramones play a full set of Ramones songs.
And yeah his intro was hilarious in how "dafuck?" it was, and the singer's entire raison d'etre seemed to be to remind us of how singularly amazing Joey Ramone's voice was, and the sound sucked, but I was just so thrilled to be hearing all those songs with at least one Ramone and so was everybody else there with me. Thank you Marky.
"Dafuck Do We Always Say This Shit?" du Jour
THIS SHIT: "started and completed"
EXAMPLE: To be eligible, your hotel stay must be started and completed by March 20, 2026.
MY FEELINGS ON THIS: I feel like that for something to be completed it must have already been started so we can skip the "started" part
RULING: Total Bullshit. Dafuck do we always say this shit?
EXAMPLE: To be eligible, your hotel stay must be started and completed by March 20, 2026.
MY FEELINGS ON THIS: I feel like that for something to be completed it must have already been started so we can skip the "started" part
RULING: Total Bullshit. Dafuck do we always say this shit?
Questions. I Have Them.
And Just Like That, The Continuing Case...
...of HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE CAROL BURNETT’S NEVER HOSTED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE??!?!?! rolls on:
The profile notes that Burnett is a beacon for the show’s alumni, who’ve often thanked her for her trailblazing career and credited her success with their own. For instance, Amy Poehler declared that she “owes everything to” Burnett when the SNL alum presented her with a lifetime achievement award from Variety’s Power of Women event last year.
But throughout the show’s 50-year history, Burnett said has never received an invite to host, despite the fact that The Carol Burnett Show had already blazed a trail for sketch comedy on American television when SNL premiered in 1975.
There seems to be something more there than accidental overlook, as reports say the show boss has repeatedly used the phrase “too Carol Burnett” to criticize what he didn’t want on in SNL. Her named became “shorthand” for everything the show was trying to avoid, according to original writers like Al Franken and Buck Henry."But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP),"after first pointing this out all the way back in 2010, didn't you put this issue to bed years ago with your uncanny mix of brilliance and high-browed sexuality?"
Sigh. You're goddam I did, faithful readers, YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I did:
And don't give me that "Lorne hated how they cracked up on her show" shit, he didn't seem to mind when Jimmy Fallon was doing it every fucking sketch & while I know it seems like Fallon was just there, he started on the show before it even hit its halfway point so I mean come the fuck on already with that bullshit? 😡😡😡😡
#TeamCarolBurnett4ever
NYC Memories!
I have no idea why this Xmastime oldie but a goodie kept popping into my head as I wandered around NYC this weekend, but it did & I'm glad:
Sunday, November 22, 2009
THE OFFICE Thoughts: We Have to Talk About Kevin.
He was the third accountant in a group about which it was often wondered why they even had two & he got incredibly dumber by the episode (and is included in my all-time oh come the fuck on moments of the show) such to the point that other than his iconic chili-dropping scene, what exactly was the point of Kevin even being there in the first place?
Current Events.
I didn’t follow most of Trump’s “I put together a deal to solve the Middle East!” pronouncement yesterday but if I got right what I think I got right, it’s akin to Chief Brody & Quint coming back to Amity Island after hunting for the shark & happily announcing that they've arranged a deal with the shark that the shark is to go away & never return to bother anyone on Amity Island again, and all that’s left for the deal to be done once & for all is just the formalities like crossing the t’s and dotting the I’s and getting the shark to agree to it, other than that it’s all good USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!
Monday, September 29, 2025
Happy Birfday RRTHUR!! (YES Ladies, THAT Rrthur!) 🤗🕺🤣🎉🎂🥳
Help.
You wouldn't think that in the year 2025 Paul McCartney could surprise anybody with his set list choices and yet here we are today:
John Lennon via his famous 1980 Playboy interview:
Paul McCartney stunned the audience at a packed Santa Barbara Bowl by opening his show with the Beatles’ 1965 classic “Help” — a song he hadn’t performed in full since its release six decades ago.Of course Lennon spent the entire 1970s shitting on The Beatles’ entire catalog as only he could, but Help! was one of only two Beatles songs he claimed he’d written that were “real” – Strawberry Fields Forever was the other – so for fans like me it adds an extra layer of "who the hell’s cuttin’ onions all up in here???"
The last complete live performance of “Help!” by the Beatles came in December 1965 in Cardiff, Wales.
John Lennon via his famous 1980 Playboy interview:
LENNON: "When 'Help' came out in '65, I was actually crying out for help. Most people think it's just a fast rock 'n roll song. I didn't realize it at the time but later, I knew I really was crying out for help. It was my fat Elvis period. You see the movie: He -- I -- is very fat, very insecure, and he's completely lost himself. And I am singing about when I was so much younger and all the rest, looking back at how easy it was. Now I may be very positive... yes, yes... but I also go through deep depressions where I would like to jump out the window, you know. It becomes easier to deal with as I get older; I don't know whether you learn control or, when you grow up, you calm down a little. Anyway, I was fat and depressed and I was crying out for help.
Sunday, September 28, 2025
Thursday, September 25, 2025
A Look In On the Russia/Ukraine War, with Xmastime
A Look In On the Looming Government Shutdown, with Xmastime
Donald Trump: what made Charlie Kirk such a great American is that he was willing to talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime.
Chuck Schumer: can we meet up to talk about not shutting down the government?
Donald Trump: No!
Chuck Schumer: can we meet up to talk about not shutting down the government?
Donald Trump: No!
Wednesday, September 24, 2025
Hmmm.
An Open Letter to Daryl Hall of Hall & Oates
Dear Daryl Hall of Hall & Oates,
It disheartens me greatly to hear you going around podcasts these days shitting on your former music partner John Oates. You're 78 years old for fuck's sake, I don't know why you feel the need to do this on the 1 yard-line of your life - remember, spending one's final days letting everybody know every single thought you have about what you've experienced in life is for war heroes, not members of beloved music duos from five decades ago.
I remain,
It disheartens me greatly to hear you going around podcasts these days shitting on your former music partner John Oates. You're 78 years old for fuck's sake, I don't know why you feel the need to do this on the 1 yard-line of your life - remember, spending one's final days letting everybody know every single thought you have about what you've experienced in life is for war heroes, not members of beloved music duos from five decades ago.
I remain,
Xmastime
"Dafuck Do We Always Say This Shit?" du Jour
THIS SHIT: "First and Only"
EXAMPLE: Archibald won his first and only NBA championship with the Boston Celtics in the 1980–81 season.
MY FEELINGS ON THIS: I feel like "only" can cover it all just fine by itself
RULING: Total Bullshit. Dafuck do we always say this shit?
EXAMPLE: Archibald won his first and only NBA championship with the Boston Celtics in the 1980–81 season.
MY FEELINGS ON THIS: I feel like "only" can cover it all just fine by itself
RULING: Total Bullshit. Dafuck do we always say this shit?
“HELLO 9-1-1 I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME”
PREVIOUS CRIMES HERE (Brace yourself)
Me. I'm Really Happening, Aren't I?
Something I've learned about myself is that when it comes to eating fruit I am like Dickens' favorite kind of bacon: streaky.
Current Events
No Surprise at All, starrfae!
Me: Okay little Timmy, that song you just heard is called Dancing on the Ceiling. What do you think it's about, little Timmy?Oh yeah and it was the b-side of this superslice of superslices, of course.
Little Timmy: I think it's about friends, and they're dancing! They're dancing so great they feel like they're flying!
Me: (shaking head, looking at index cards in my hands) Oh no no I'm sorry, it's about fucking.
We Love You Jimmy Kimmel!
I love Jimmy Kimmel but I'll never forgive him for losing that basketball game to Ted Cruz that time. - XMASTIMEJimmy Kimmel’s monologue was spot-on last night in every way except be semi-botched the opening line in that:
1. he didn’t really sell it at all and
2. as he was saying it I assumed he’d reference it being from Jack Parr, but he didn’t which I thought was kinda strange.
But hey, otherwise note-perfect. THANK YOU JIMMY KIMMEL!!!
Tuesday, September 23, 2025
DOWNTON ABBEY: Carson Sucks
So I’m surprised to recall that in the second episode of the entire series we find Carson absolutely HORRIFIED for everyone to find out the dreaded secret past he's so ashamed of, and yet for the entire rest of the series nobody ever brought it up to embarrasses him, no matter how many times he flushed their head in the toilet bowl for almost cracking a smile on a Wednesday afternoon during service. It wasn't even talked about behind his back; the entire incident was immediately forgotten about in a world portrayed as being particularly rife with sniveling back-stabbing & shit-talk. Whack. And now, just to remind us all what a shithead Carson always was, here's a coupla bon mots from Moi Say Moi over the years, you're welcome very much:
- Carson. Calm the fuck down already, you're just handing over food to rich people. Hardly worth almost having a heart attack every goddam episode. Take a lesson from Moseley and have a goddam Granthamtini every once in a while. Country and family may be worth dying for; ensuring the shrimp fork is 3.25 inches from the plate is not.
- Even tho he’s lying I like seeing Thomas make Carson look like an asshole re: his “flurry of telephonic communication.” I wanna see a flurry of somebody's fists on Carson's fucking face.
- Carson’s monologue on who has the right to be remembered as being brave during the war while he was screaming at footmen about where to put the shrimp fork was particularly touching.
- Without a doubt, Carson has the greatest tone of disapproval in tv history.
- I don't like Carson fucking with Molesly when he dickheadishly let him know the job was no longer available. Carson freaks out if an under-butler is forced to replace the corncobs in the shitter because a singer is in the house; he of all people should sympathize with Molesly's hesitation.
Now Here's a Race That We All Win 🤗🐶🐶🐶🐶❤️
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN MAY I INTRODUCE YO YOU THE Middleburg Oktoberfest Corgi Races (although why they're in September, beats moi)!!!!!
Wisdom, with Xmastime!
The "I'm here to break the world record for 'everybody calm down there's nothing happening here'" people are how societies find themselves in the midst of revolution, but after the dust has settled these same people will be important for society's reassembly; on the other hand if they listened to people like me we'd never have found ourselves in a mess in the first place, but then I would've sent Sherman back to burn Atlanta down twice.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Jewish people have made their suffering humorous, black people have made their suffering musical, and white people have made their suffering insufferable.
Current Events & Frustration
Illinois governor JD Pritzker took all of about 3 seconds to tell Trump to go fuck himself with his bringing the troops to Chicago thing and the worst-kept secret in DC is that of course the odds of Trump going in with troops now is exactly 0% and yet Democrats & the media will all still stand around looking at each other wondering gee, how will we ever stop Trump?
The High Road. I Take It. 😔
Monday, September 22, 2025
Dream Scenarios. I Make Them.
I spent most of my most recent elevator journey fantasizing that a black guy would get on with his little kid who was happily eating an ice cream sandwich, which they'd instantly dropped onto the filthy elevator floor, much to the horror of both father & child.
The kid would be melting down about to lose his shit when I'd catch the father's eye, which would be full-on deer in headlight mode by the way, and quickly motion that omg what do you know I HAVE AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH!! I'd just gotten one at Wegmans, from where I was returning!
Relief would break over the father's face as he realized his crisis was about to be diverted, even if by a complete stranger who just so happened to be a white guy who unfortunately kinda looked like he was bred in a MAGA fantasy lab.
BUT I WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE THIS HEROIC MOMENT EVEN BETTER!
Of course I could've been the big hero to this kid, swooping down on one knee with a fresh ice cream sandwich in front of his tear-soaked face, but no - I'd slip the ice cream sandwich to the dad without the kid seeing it so that HE could surprise the kid with it, therein getting to be the big hero in his kid's eyes.
It didn't happen. Probably never will. But you never know.
The kid would be melting down about to lose his shit when I'd catch the father's eye, which would be full-on deer in headlight mode by the way, and quickly motion that omg what do you know I HAVE AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH!! I'd just gotten one at Wegmans, from where I was returning!
Relief would break over the father's face as he realized his crisis was about to be diverted, even if by a complete stranger who just so happened to be a white guy who unfortunately kinda looked like he was bred in a MAGA fantasy lab.
BUT I WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE THIS HEROIC MOMENT EVEN BETTER!
Of course I could've been the big hero to this kid, swooping down on one knee with a fresh ice cream sandwich in front of his tear-soaked face, but no - I'd slip the ice cream sandwich to the dad without the kid seeing it so that HE could surprise the kid with it, therein getting to be the big hero in his kid's eyes.
It didn't happen. Probably never will. But you never know.
Making Lemonade Out of Today's News
47 Years Ago Today
Road to Ruin was released! It's not even in my top 5 Ramones albums (it's Op's #1!!) & it's still so great that 2 of its 12 songs may well be in my all-time Ramones Top 15! 🤗🎸
This One's Free, MAGA. And Yes, You ARE Very Welcome!
I've been around a few very smart people in my lifetime and so I would lightly suggest to the MAGA people trying to claim it's just a total coincidence that a few hours after being threatened by the chair of the FCC Jimmy Kimmel's show was removed that they're eventually gonna run into the person who made the decision feeling accused of being too stupid to not have been able to delay the Kimmel thing until it didn’t look like the single-most obvious thing in the history the planet and if we could get back to those very smart people I mentioned earlier just for one moment then I can tell you that these people do NOT like to be called stupid & therein the dam would break with the truth of what really happened pouring out once & for all.
Not a Dry Eye in the Room
Here's Trump leaving the stage after his speech at thew Charlie Kirk memorials service yesterday. Very touching.
If You Want Change This is How You Do It
If you want to see Trump absolutely melt down & shit himself on national tv just innocently ask him if the audience at Charlie Kirk's memorial service was bigger than any of his own crowds.
As Happy as I am About the Cheese at Wegmans These Days...
...these tomatoes I'm seeing all the time may be a bit TOO much "joie de vive!" these days. 😜🤗🕺🤣
Something You People Should Know About Me
Number of times I've said to myself "hey you know what, lets leave the headphones behind for this short walk, maybe take a minute to embrace the quiet for a little bit out there": 48,339,221
Number of times I've actually done it: 0
Number of times I've actually done it: 0
It's Not Cheesy if You Believe It
I don't know what the hell kind of cheese this is and I sure as hell didn't know cheese came looking like cantaloupe but if you put funny faces on it YES I WILL BUY IT!!
Thanks whoever did this at Wegmans, I needed this today. 🤗🤗🤣🤣❤️
Thanks whoever did this at Wegmans, I needed this today. 🤗🤗🤣🤣❤️
This one's mine! 🤗🕺
Downton Abbey Mania
Sunday, September 21, 2025
Congratulations Chen's Kitchen
Sunday Sunday Sunday
Even More Sunday in America
MAGA likes to deflect any Trump/Hitler comparisons with a "hey, they voted Hitler in!" wave of dismissal, which is true; what I would say in return is "not AFTER he killed the 6 million Jews."
More Sunday in America
Trump is that special kind of tender-feelinged snowflake who can't handle taking a joke without crying like a little baby & yet if you ignored him he'd REALLY melt down & soil his golden diapers with fury; if Saturday Night Live had any guts, which they of course don't, they'd just ignore him from now on.
Sunday in America
Nobody knows about the Bible less than me but even I seem to know there's something about the ultimate betrayal being marked by the crowing of a rooster 3 times, and if I was a much smarter person this might be something I’d try to make a connection with re: the same people who have used this story as a foundation for their own moral authority are also the same people who three times have answered the bell to vote for Donald Trump. 🤔🤷♂️⛪️
Saturday, September 20, 2025
You People are Warned.
1) of all the various sizes of peanut butter cups, which is probably my all-time #1 snack, this is the best one
2) they are absolutely intoxicating to eat
3) if the bag was huge, or even just the size of a normal chips bag or some shit you'd look at it & think "okay, I'll grab a handful of these amazing motherfuckers & put the bag away"
4) BUT
5) the bag is actually juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust small enough that after your initial assault, the remaining amount has tipped over into that netherland that isn't enough to justify putting them away & saving for later...
6) ...but also juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust enough to make you feel like a fat piece of shit for inhaling them all in one sitting
DAMMIT REESE'S MINI'S YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS!!!!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH!! (because I love you too much)Oh FFS du Jour
You spend a lifetime thinking a nickname is yours & yours only and then you run into the International Foods / Cookie & Biscuit aisle at Wegmans. 😡😡😡😡
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