Parking Lot

This is one very happy FUNCLE, people. 🤗🤗🕺❤️

(Photo by Karli!!!)

 

Movie Ideas. I Have Them.

How has it never occurred to me until just now to combine my two favorite things in this entire world - living above a Wegmans & Hallmark Christmas movies -by writing a Hallmark Christmas movie about a guy working at or living above a Wegmans??

He either 1. works there 2. lives above it 3. is trapped there during a blizzard with oh surprise his true love 4. sent from corporate to destroy it but turns it into the greatest Xmas Wegmans ever.

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!! 💰💰💰💰

Current Events

There’s always been a Republican strategy of spreading incompetence so at to prove their tenet that government is useless & incompetent, but this administration seems to be the first for which "Has Always Wanted to Be a 5th-Year Senior Local Legend" seems to be a requirement.

 

Garfield du Jour

(Shark)Finn Attack! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mandela Effect du Jour

I would've bet all the money in the world the name was SWISS CAKE ROLLS. 🤔🤯🤷‍♂️

 

PROGRESS REPORT: None.

Science. I've Cracked It.

I don't know a lot about science but I do know that when transferring a drink from one cup into another cup half-filled with ice, slowly twisting the cup while pouring will magically prevent the drink from overflowing no matter how dangerously close it bubbles at the cup's brim. 👍

Xmastime Memory Lane

I can't even hazard a guess re: how many photos I've posted on this blog over the years, but I don't think 10,000 is a crazy number to consider.

Meanwhile, I missed that yesterday marked the 20th anniversary of the very first photo I ever posted on Xmastime, and that photo was....MY AWESOME NEPHEW AND XMASTIME LEGEND, PADDY MAC!!! 🤗🕺

 

Movie Ideas. I Have Them.

Just like the Richard Curtis movie Yesterday but instead of The Beatles never happening sets off chains of events that greatly alter the history of the world, Oasis never happens and nobody notices.

Cheeky! Meta! Next-level cheeky meta shit, let/s do this!

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!! 💰 💰 💰 💰

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you kind of rip the Richard Curtis movie Yesterday to shreds when you watched it?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did.

Current Events

The strangest thing about the current Republican Congress rolling over & castrating itself so easily for Trump, happily forfeiting all of their considerable power to Trump and Trump alone, is that do they really think the next president will just hand all of that power back to Congress? It's quaint to remember now, like most things pre-Trump, but back in 2008 people were losing their shit that Obama wouldn't cede back powers Bush had used to invoke what at the time seemed like a lot of unilateral executive orders and even I, who had happily voted for Obama and would again 4 years later, rather brilliantly noted:

To even dream that ANY president would roll back executive power is a pretty far-fetched dream of naivete. It's like breaking up with your high school girlfriend and thinking that with her next boyfriend she'll start back at necking and light petting. Sorry Skippy, but she picks up right where she left off - toothy blowjobs and ball-licking.

Confusing Lexicon

I can't remember where I got this from but I noticed the same thing in Ken Burs' American Revolution documentary - I've always thought of "casualties" as being combat injuries that aren't fatal, so I'm confused why anyone would just lump them together so matter-of-factly with death when from I've ascertained over the course of my own 53 years on this planet the two are very different things.

XMASTIME FILMS: Xmas Your Enthusiasm Season 4

An Open Letter to My Uber Driver

Dear Uber Driver,

I have no idea if you actually have a baby & I don't care; your having a baby seat in the car was a stroke of genius & of course I wildly over-tipped. Cap doffed, sir.

Was my driver none other than Peter Leroy himself???

Or some other Uber eats bullshit???

I remain,
Xmastime

The Beatles Anthology, R.I.P.

The final installment in The Beatles Anthology that just dropped had a few fun behind-the-scenes moments about the making of the Anthology series but just as John's death loomed over the project in 1995, there’s a bittersweet feel to watching the three remaining Beatles together while knowing that we'd lose George just a few years afterwards; I'm not as much of a "the stars aligned and so X thing happened" guy as you'd think but I did notice while watching that was the 24th anniversary of George’s death.

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

I'll probably never get married (surprise!) & even if I did I can’t imagine I'd have too many dealbreakers but one I know for sure I will insist on will be if she has a problem with the official House Butter being my beloved Kerry Gold left out in a butter dish.

Current Events

Not only is Sarah Beckstrom's blood on Trump's hands and Trump's hands only, thanks to Donald Trump two of the greatest myths promulgated by the NRA and its fucking idiot minions have been dispelled in just months to his idiotic insistence on playing toy soldiers with National Guard troops upon American cities:

1) I've spent decades condescendingly being told that the reason we all need as many assault rifles on our person at all times is to rise up against government tyranny, and yet each time Trump has forced National Guard troops into American cities these 2nd Amendment jerkoffs have not only NOT shown up to confront them, they have openly cheered for Trump to send more. Pathetic.

2) this notion of "if only there were more good guys with guns around this never would have happened"; I mean look buddy these people were surrounded by the greatest armed soldiers in the history of the planet and guess what nobody stopped shit, so.

THE GUNS ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM.

This incident of course is already being seized upon as being "monstrous" and of course Trump is threatening to send MORE troops into DC, which is funny because whenever a coupla dozen school kids get slaughtered by guns it's a lot of shrugging about it "just being the cost of the 2nd Amendment, whatddya gonna do?"

America has to use its 250th birthday as a mo0ment to choose to grow the fuck up and end its childish obsession with guns.

A Nation's Only Hope

"And in the end, this great nation of democracy was saved because the very people who were so thirsty for a dictator kept demanding again and again that they choose the single-most idiotic buffoon in the world to be that dictator." - history books from the future

State du Moi

I’ve spent a lot of my life being told I'm stupid & don't matter to anybody or anything & so anytime I catch myself being happy I have a momentary wave of “you don’t deserve it, you’re just some dumb piece of shit who’s never even bought a house or earned a bunch of money or done anything people care about” but then I see something like this & I’m like you know what I’m gonna let myself be happy for a few minutes & if somebody doesn’t think I deserve it they can go fuck themselves.

New Bumper Sticker/T-Shirt/Lifestyle Idea

Thanksgiving & Me

Asking how much the turkey weighs every Thanksgiving even though I have never once in my life bought one & have no idea what any size means is probably the only manly thing I do all year; it's definitely the manliest thing I've done since I last gathered around an open car hood & nodded my head like I know what the hell everybody else was talking about.

The Battle of The Beatles' 1965

Just yesterday I was blathering to some poor bastard that Help! > Rubber Soul; I now direct you directly to the incredibly strong song-by-song case I made back in 2021. Enjoy, Earf!

Used Records Shopping Out & About

How I found them:

How I left them:

Why Does This Apparently Only Make So Much Sense to Me and Only Me

Trump's "quiet piggy" moment last week got a lot of attention but it was just one out of about a trillion such moments in his presidency; what I don't get at this point is why one of these reporters doesn't just snap on live tv for him to go fuck himself.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "isn't this the exact same advice you gave almost 20 years ago years ago to contestants on The Apprentice?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did:

6) I’ve always said that if I was on the ‘Apprentice’, let’s face of it, the odds of you actually winning are fairly slim. BUT when you get fired, instead of genuflecting “Thank you King Trump, thank you!” and slinking off, I’ve always thought you should fucking flip out, cause a scene. “WHAT? YOU’RE firing me? FUCK THAT, I’M firing YOU, motherfucker!!!” and try to flip that table over. Because you KNOW that there’s a million hotshots around the world that HATE Trump and when they see the clip of you telling T-rump to go fuck himself, they’ll hire you for $200,000/year just to hang out, smoke cigars and tell everyone how you told Trump to go fuck himself.

I'll Say This.

The problem with socialism is the exact same as capitalism; at some point each requires a benevolent leader to guide against corruption & any general shenanigans which of course very much belies the type of person who would have risen to such power within either system in the first place.

RIP Jimmy Cliff 😥

Jimmy Cliff, the reggae recording legend who also had a profound effect on my first music love, punk rock, has died at 81. Incredibly influential on so much great music of the last half century, he was almost solely responsible for what may be considered to be the greatest movie soundtrack of all time.

Childhood Was Terrifying

Most of the everyday creepy photos in this SLIDESHOW OF EVERYDAY CREEPY PHOTOS are indeed creepy af 😬 but I'd hafta say this is absolutely the one that reminds me of so much of my childhood.

Surprise Soda Club Update

I stumbled into this snappy little number today in Lucketts, Va.

My critique, as reported to my Goddaughter, the other member of Soda Club:

Meh. Tasted just like Diet Coke. Camon Olipop you’re better than that! 😡
 

Great replies from my Goddaughter:
"they’re just copy cats and it’s getting pathetic "
GET IT TOGETHER

Me:
I know one thing, I know Soda Club deserves better!
Her:
you couldn’t be more right
Me:
Ok im tryna be mad here but that was hilarious

HERE'S TO SODA CLUB, LONG LIVE SODA CLUB!!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣

This Afternoon.

You're goddam right I'm still furious it took someone 3 1/2 hours to mention how badass my new brown corduroy jacket is. 😡😡😡😡

Band Name Idea So Good It's Worth Starting a Band For

SENIOR YEAR

You're welcome, Earf!

False Advertising

This afternoon I saw a person way up the blocking walking my way with what I thought was a dog and so I turned my headphones off & prepared for a little fun dog drive-by chat but then as I got closer I realized they were carrying a large tote bag instead of walking a dog & I literally can’t remember the last time I was this angry. 😡😡😡😡

Genius. It Walks Amongst Us. 😔

XMASTIME FILMS: Xmas Your Enthusiasm Season 4

Dafuck du Jour

I don't wanna do a "special place in hell" thing here but dafuck could this person possibly have been thinking, other than "how can I position myself as the worst person on the goddam planet as quickly as possible?" 😡😡😡😡 

 

4th Grade Class Stunned into Silence Upon Realizing the Guy Who Produced Wing’s 1975 Masterpiece VENUS & MARS Has Just Walked into the Room

No Reason 🤗🕺🥁🎸

Questions. I Have Them.

Was back cleavage a thing in olden times? 🤔🤷‍♂️

 

20 Years Ago Today on Xmastime

A NOTE FROM YOUR OL' PAL XMASTIME:
Celebrate 20 years of Xmastime (YES, twenty years!!!) for the rest of the month with a short trip down Memory Lane as you remark to yourself, "I never woulda thought it even possible to care less about Xmastime than I did when he first started 20 years ago, but here we are."

From November 22, 2005:

All I Want is a Freaking Paper, People

Ladies. For the love of Christ. HAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY READY AT THE COUNTER!!!! Whenever I'm in line to buy anything, I frantically have my money counted out and in my hand, ready to present to the guy before the word "cents" has left his lips. I always assume that if I take more than .0004 seconds to produce payment, the line of people behind me will not even try to hide their loud, exasperated sighs or uttered curse words. Or, maybe some guy comes in from the back and chops my head off, I don’t know. But women are always slightly surprised that the cashier, at the end of said transaction, expects actual money from them. No matter how long they've been in line, they have not even considered getting the money ready. "$16.81" the cashier will say, then there's a slight pause, then the woman will say "oh!" and THEN start digging thru her purse. Christ. AND, to make matters worse, she'll spend another 5 minutes digging around for a penny/nickel whatever to make the change "easier." "$16.81?" oh, hold on, I've got a penny...." and the search begins, so that instead of getting 19 cents back and letting the rest of us actually get on with our fucking lives, we've gotta sit through her frantic search for a penny so that she can get 2 dimes back. Guys don’t do that. We'll throw whatever bills we got up there; whatever change we get back, we get back. But we ain't standing there for 20 minutes rifling through a weeks worth of receipts from Vera Cruz and parking tickets trying to find change, holding up the line. Christ. Drives me crazy, maybe even more so than how everytime I wanna quickly pop in to grab a paper, there's only one other guy ahead of me....but it's the construction guy buying 75 coffees for the crew. "That’s 40 with sugar, 30 with milk, blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh..." I've got my 2 quarters hovering above the counter, desperately trying to catch the cashier's eye so I can drop them and get back to becoming a better citizen/saving lives on the outside, but my man won't turn around, he's slowly making a million coffees for this one dude while blood actually starts pumping out of my ears. See also: lone cashier who patiently attends to the old lady who wants him to walk her through her 50 fucking lotto scratch tickets while the rest of us in line join AARP.

New (not really) Xmastime Series!

I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!

 

"Hard Times", a One-Act Play by Xmastime

Garfield du Jour

 

Xmastime Films

TEMPTATION INSIDE YOUR SHARK

AND THAT WAS THE MOMENT MR. JOHNSON SAID FUCK THIS MATH SHIT WHO WANTS TO GO OUTSIDE TO PLAY SOME FUCKING KICKBALL

 

Humbled. 😔

Jesse Welles

Moi Say Moi back in 2006 (yes, that was an actual year of our lord, people):

Why is it only Bruce Springsteen who's doing topical protest music, instead of younger bands, people of my generation? We’ve been in an illegal war for over 3 years, we lost a whole American city while the president was on vacation, yet black people are still singing about ho's and bling and white dudes are singing about why the pretty girls don't talk to them even tho they have the first Cat Power single on vinyl. Bruce is 56 years old and has more money than God, yet is moved and angry enough as a person and an artist to say something about it; where are all the other bands' protests, where is their outrage?

When I first saw this guy popping up all over social media I thought he was AI-generated; he seemed to have a song ready to go for every breaking news announcement as it happened. Now we see him exploding onto national television & I hafta say it's nice to see someone under the age of 50 enter this arena (even if 33 isn't exactly a spring chicken in this world, but I'll take it for now.)

Dafuck Hallmark???

I legit thought I was looking at a card with a fucking casket on it. Dafuck Hallmark? #ohhellno

"Suck It, Douche!" du Jour

I guess that's a win for everybody since The Monkees were awesome and Buffalo Springfield & CSNY fucking blew. Suck it, douche!

I Cant Take Another Year of This

Welcome to “Let’s All Watch a Coupla Minutes of Paul McCartney Almost Slicing His Fingers Off Every 4 Seconds” Week everybody. 😬😬😲😲

8th Grade Class President Petitions Supreme Court to Let Him Send in the Troops to Mrs. Draper's Geography Class