Wednesday, December 31, 2025
The Shake Shack Big Mac
A Year at Wegmans! (Kind of)
I don’t really know why I started in the first place but for some reason earlier this year I began compiling any photos/videos my phone accidentally took while I was walking around the Wegmans beneath me.
NOTE: I sped it up to make it easier for you people YOU’RE WELCOME but I was pretty chuffed to see that in the end all the clips added up to exactly SEVEN minutes even.
Xmastime Say
Tuesday, December 30, 2025
Life and How to Live It
If you ever find yourself wondering how you can possibly attain #1 FUNCLE status like me then the first thing I'd suggest would be jumping on any car singalong opportunity to loudly switch a song lyric from anything that rhymes with “fart” to “fart”.

Actor Questions. I Have Them.
Based on how back in 1999 you would have expected Vince Vaughn's career to go, is it reasonable to suggest that his career has played out exactly like Coach Parseghian's devastating take-down in Rudy? 🤔🤷♂️
"Joe Strummer" Song Face-Off
WANT LIVE? YOU GOT IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Album Surprises
Surrender from U2’s classic War is on my "That One Song On an Album I've Known & Loved All My Life That I've Never Really Noticed Somehow, For Some Reason, None Of Which Really Make Any Sense" list; this catchy hook here has been spinning around in my skull for 2 weeks now.
Current Events
So Close to Halloween Hallmark Genius
I was slightly surprised/amused recently to ask how is it possible that they haven't come out with a Halloween version of Hallmark Christmas Movies - just set up a factory and start churning out that sweet, sweet formula they've spent decades perfecting now & start cashing fat stacks of cash.
Then I worked the formula's scenario through my mind - NYC executive with no time for Halloween in her life gets sent by her huge, evil corporation to some tiny town to take over some small local business that's been run by the same family for 200 years in a building that according to local legend is haunted and after the town's heroic efforts to scare her away from destroying the beloved business she falls in love with Halloween and stays in the town forever while vowing to never let the beloved business fall into evil, corporate hands - and I realize oh yeah I guess they already did that. 😡
The State of Standup Comedy Specials Today
A Day in the Life
Monday, December 29, 2025
Finally!
In 1979, Twin/Tone…documented Minneapolis’ underground music scene of the late 1970s. None were hits. Still, a number of the acts on volume three went on to record their own albums, something few of their ‘60s “Big Hits” counterparts managed. And a few are still active. Curtiss A is recording his third Twin/Tone LP. The Suburbs released their fifth album, and first on A&M Records in May. NNB’s Dick Champ now plays lead guitar in the Scene Is Now. Fingerprints’ guitarist Jeff Waryan leads Figures while bassist Steve Fjelstad engineers many Twin Cities releases. Suicide Commando Chris Osgood is Twin/Tone’s in -house producer and distribution czar.
Wannabe THE ONION Headline du Jour
Sunday, December 28, 2025
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
Questions. I Have Them.
Friday, December 26, 2025
Thursday, December 25, 2025
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES Christmas Episode d'Année
Wednesday, December 24, 2025
Don't Blow This One, People
I didn’t see this one until it was a coupla weeks too late to submit an entry but if any of the finalist for his one don’t include “It's just a flesh wound!“ then really guys what the hell are we even doing anymore?
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
If you’d rather write out an explanation of what your product is than show it then I will be suspicious of both you and your product.
Idea for My Next Podcast
JIM HALPERT'S a @#$%ing ASSHOLE
I go thru each episode of The Office and point out one instance from each one of Jim being a @#$%ing asshole.
Tuesday, December 23, 2025
Game Show Ideas. I Have Them.
LOOKING FOR INVESTORS!! 💰💰💰💰
Oh FFS du Jour
Monday, December 22, 2025
Beatles Questions. I Have Them.
The Beatles have finally released their own Christmas Yule Log (ew) and on one hand I'm like "what took so long?" and on the other I'm like "...why so many cheesy versions or alternate takes when you're the actual goddam Beatles & so you could just play the instrumental music from the actual goddam songs? 🤔🤷♂️
Mind Blown + History Made
It'll take a few more iterations of artificial intelligence to calculate how many times I've used this classic Xmastime riff over the last 20 years & it's occurred to me that I believe the previous post is the first one in Xmastime history to BEGIN with it. 🤔😲🤯
Right Into My Goddam Veins
Sigh. Yes I did faithful readers, YES I did - BUT my own brilliance is NOT what this is about dammit!!!!
Dafuck du Jour
How was Red possibly the right color to pick for PEANUT BUTTER? Instead of, for instance, chocolate? or cocoa? or mocha? or espresso? or coffee? or chestnut? or walnut? or hazelnut? or almond? or caramel? or toffee? or tawny? or umber? or sienna? or sepia? or russet? or mahogany? or oak? or pecan? or fawn? or camel? or sand? or bronze? or copper? or cinnamon? Dafuck M&Ms???
Sunday, December 21, 2025
Saturday, December 20, 2025
20 Years Ago Today on Xmastime
A NOTE FROM YOUR OL’ PAL XMASTIME:
Celebrate 20 years of Xmastime (YES, twenty years!!!) for the rest of the month with a short trip down Memory Lane as you remark to yourself, "I never woulda thought it even possible to care less about Xmastime than I did when he first started 20 years ago, but here we are."
From December 20, 2025:
My 2nd-ever THINGS ARE GOOD post! My first successful series on Xmastime (my buddy Dave B. liked it anyway) it went for a total of 19 posts, with the last one being 12/3/2007.) It was also the last post of 2005, the very first year I started. It was my 39th post; this one today is my 39,379th.)
Enjoy!
Things are Good, Part II
1) When young Muslim dudes are told about the 72 virgins in paradise that are waiting for them after they’ve committed suicide, doesn't it occur to them to wonder why EVERY guy hasn't done it? I would think I'd immediately ask the guy that told me about the wondrous heaven that awaits me "Well, why don't you do it, then?" "Nah", he probably says "You go on, get to heaven where there's 72 virgins and no line at the Shoney's buffet waiting for you...I'm cool here in the scorching desert, drinking my own urine waiting for US soldiers to come torture me."
2) Where'd they get the number 72 from? Does anyone know this? And really, is there anything worse than 72 VIRGINS??!? Oh, goody. 72 chicks to not want you to see them naked, to not talk dirty, and will bleed all over your silk Star Wars bedsheets. Great.
3) After you've done each of them once, they're no longer virgins - then what happens? Is that all you get? Therein, when you're deciding whether or not to be a suicide bomber, wouldn't it be a game of calculating whether or not you'd have sex 72 times in your life or not? Or do they become 72 "girlfriends"? I'd break them into little teams, have them do events to entertain me. "Heather? Yeah, she's on the Bears...volleyball champs, and they give great head..."
4) I've noticed that when you go to bars carrying a 15-lb country ham, all of a sudden girls walk right up and talk to you. Interesting.
5) A moment of silence for Jon Spencer, Leo McGarry from The West Wing. I only remember him in one other role, some ref in Forget Paris, but I have no problems imagining that Leo was the role of his lifetime. If he had shown up on CNN as the real Chief of Staff I wouldn't have batted an eye. Leo, we will miss you.
6) My friend and I are compiling a list of hot celebrities that have not slept with him. So far we have Alicia Silverstone, Denise Rich and Heather Thomas. Will keep you posted.
7) Where did the myth about sexy, slutty flight attendants begin? The stereotype is of gorgeous horny babes banging dudes at every layover. I don't fly a lot, but every time I do the attendant is usually, if not a flaming dude, some spinster who weighs in at 400lbs. She's out of breath while showing us what to do in case we crash, and constantly scraping my shoulder with her fat ass every time she squeezes by. What the fuck.
8) If Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie wanted to get into a fight over who gets to make me a pitcher of iced tea, I probably would not stop them.
9) Because my hands would be wrapped around my penis, flailing away.
10) And by "Gina Gershon and Angelina Jolie", I mean "any women on earth"
11) Ladies: after you've received your change from the cashier, step aside and let the next person do his transaction. Don't stand there in front of the line carefully placing your fucking change in your purse and closing it all up nicely and neatly and then putting on your fucking gloves and scarf while we all stand there staring at you, including the cashier, you stupid fuck. Get your change, step aside to do your fucking banking, bitch!
12) In high school, I used to dream of standing at one end of the hallway between classes, and then barreling through everyone bowling-ball style.
13) Why does Coca-Cola spend $1 billion a year on advertising? Who on the planet is not aware of Coke? Take the one billion and do something useful. I'm stepping over homeless people with AIDS everyday, but at least I can't swing my dick around without hitting a Coke ad. Christ.
14) I have 11 days to learn the robot to fulfill my 2005 New Years Resolution. I might be in trouble.
Year-End Wrapup
Dafuck du Jour
Is the incredibly strange policy within The Office that when it comes to dating fellow co-workers it's totally fine for any variation of Jim/Pam/Andy/Karen/Angela/Dwight/Kelly/Ryan/Erin/Gabe but for some reason when David Wallace found out about Michael & Holly dating, Holly had to transfer to another state entirely? After which she instantly started dating...another co-worker? Dafuck? Is this like how in cartoons some of the animals can talk to each other & go about town while others are just regular barnyard animals or pets ? 🤔
Xmastime 2025 Regrets
I Don't Wanna Brag...
....but I've seen 28 of what The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" - call The 100 Best Movies of The Century.
Things I Think
Sometimes I think we're not progressing enough as a society & then I remember we're only like one generation removed from a time when it hadn't occurred to men to let women hang out in bars, so.
Friday, December 19, 2025
Xmastime 2025 Regrets
Tales from The Cookie Man
Over the last coupla months at work I've become "The Cookie Man"; for some reason I started bringing in whatever interesting-looking Oreos they'd have downstairs at Wegmans & now people love to meet up at my desk & give their opinions on said cookies.
One thing we've all pretty much unanimously agreed on is that these are easily the best of the bunch:
So the other day being the last day of work in the office for the year I thought you know what, maybe I'll surprise everybody with one last box before Santa drops in to eat all the cookies in sight. On the walk over to the now very-familiar Oreos section I debated whether or not to bother bringing them in if there were any - and would anybody show up at the office anyway? - & as I turned into the Oreo section there was one lone box, sitting there all by itself.
I took its loneliness a sign that it was meant for The Cookie Man, and I grabbed the box with a full heart. It felt like at least one of the cookies was broken, the box itself had a bit of a humpback to it, but I took it anyway.
I kept walking and suddenly, just one aisle over, there they were - about a dozen boxes of our favorite cookie!! Without hesitation I reached out to grab a "good" box to swap out with the one I already had, but something stopped me...it was as if a voice was telling me that no, the first "broken" box I found was the one meant for me. So I bought it.
The next day at the office I cracked the box open and all of the cookies were perfectly fine, none were broken, and everybody absolutely loved them as usual.
Todd Snider & Joe Ely
I've spoken many times about stumbling onto Todd Snider's Austin City Limits episode back in the mid-90s, and another thrill at the time was randomly catching him & Joe Ely cover Buddy Holly's Oh Boy! on some show Tom Wopat hosted on the Country Music Network (it's crazy what you'd roll onto back in the "I have no idea what the hell's on any of these 811 channels so we'll flip through every single one thank you very much" days.)
Joe Ely died four days ago; it's tragic the world's lost both him and Todd Snider in the last month.
Wannabe THE ONION Headline du Jour
Something You People Should Know About Me
Want du Jour
St. Marks Bar-Grill on the corner of St. Marks Place and First Avenue, East Village, New York City on a snowy day in 1982.
Photo by Drew Carolan
THE OFFICE Questions. I Have Them.
How is it possible that The Office didn't have Jason Schwartzman pop up as Michael's (maybe!) long-lost son?

Thursday, December 18, 2025
Xmastime 2025 Regrets
I thought I'd do something special to commemorate the 40th Anniversary of My Favorite Year of Music Ever but other than listening to those records a shit-ton throughout the year, I never really got anything together to post here. And I regret this. 😔
(Also Yes, It's Crazy You Can Find These Things Online)
[NOTE: my green highlights, you're welcome very much]
Imagine being 20 years old and living in an area of the country considered to be some sort of backwoods land of blah & seeing these shows at the same place in the same month. Incredible.
Bitchin', 2
It's not as if Dinner Party doesn't get all the flowers it deserves among fans of The Office, who usually list it at or near the top of their best-of lists, and even then it's a crime that Melora Hardin didn't even get nominated for an Emmy for this episode; everything she says and every move she makes is absolutely hilarious.
Bitchin'
It's absurd that in 2025 I can't make playlists on any & all streaming platforms; for instance if I want to watch my top 10 Only Fools and Horses episodes I should be able to just make a playlist of them on Britbox so they'll stream in whichever order I'd like. Grrrrr.
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
Choices. We All Have to Make Them.

Your Move, Jell-O
In this scenario it's closing time at the bar & Royal is the homely woman sitting next to the hot chick who pulls out a titty to give herself a fighting chance at some male companionship for the rest of the night.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
I don’t wanna set myself up to go down a rabbit hole here, but the first two lines that popped into my beautiful little head are "chewing out a rhythm on my bubblegum, the sun is out & I want some" from The Ramones' Rockaway Beach & "...and a tailgate bangin' like an airplane wing" from Marah's Formula, Cola, Dollar Draft; it’s not to say that there aren’t plenty of others that are better or whatever if I thought about it some more but I don’t want to think about it so.
Business Questions. I Have Them.
How is this not already a service that's readily available in exchange for money?????
1-800-RENT-A-DAWG I MEAN CAMON PEOPLE LET'S MAKE SOME 💰💰💰💰!!!!
Dafuck du Jour
I mean I really appreciate this & all BUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT...why go through all that fantastic effort but not change the music to correspond with each album? Dafuck?
View on Threads
Today's THE OFFICE du Jour
There's a conference room scene in Back from Vacation in which the characters famously ratchet up the craziness because Dwight's tape recording the meeting for Michael while he's away on vacation; here's an excerpt:
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
My question is, how could the writers not have had a callback at the end of the episode with Michael Scott, the famously self-renowned greatest comedy fan of all time, completely not caring about the murderous chaos on the tape recording but being 100% overwhelmingly bummed about missing out on meeting Jim Carey??!?!
Book Club Ideas. I Have Them.
Strippers are hired to attend book club meetings & take off their clothes in accordance with how far along people are actually reading the book - the more you read, the more you see - and of course if some more intimate arrangements want to be accommodated for to further reward the more eager to please readers (if someone makes a great point about a newly discovered theme, for instance) then such arrangements may be made as well.
WOODY ALLEN SHORT STORY I'M THIRSTY FOR YA'LL TO CONNECT THIS TO SO AS TO PROVE MY OWN SAD, PATHETIC BRILLIANCE: The Whore of Mensa
VERY, VERY OLD XMASTIME POST I'M THIRSTY FOR YA'LL TO CONNECT THIS TO SO AS TO PROVE MY OWN SAD, PATHETIC BRILLIANCE: Weightfuckers!
Movie Ideas. I Have Them.
LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, LET'S MAKE SOME 💰💰💰💰 PEOPLE!!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2025
Real Housewives of Orange County Update, No Reason
First posted January 18, 2007:
My girls are back for Season 2! And by "My girls" I mean "middle-aged horse-leather skinned botoxed over-tittied rich bitches." Awesome. Thought I'd whip up a small quiz for you peeps who caught the premiere Tuesday Night.
1) Why did Kimberly move away to Chicago?
a. Her husband got transferred
b. To take care of her mother
c. To go to school
d. Her huge, fake titties got drafted by the Bears
2) Michael Jordan is to basketball as Vicki's kid Michael is to ________
a) college
b) piano
c) golf
d) retardation
3) Why is Slade so jealous of Jo in this episode?
a) She's been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion
b) She's been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion and spent 3 hours picking out her sluttiest lingerie to wear there.
c) She's been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion and spent 3 hours picking out her sluttiest lingerie to wear there, and then made it clear to Slade that he is NOT to come to the party.
d) She's a fucking whore.
4) Jo thinks Slade is being an over-dramatic, jealous jerk because of her new friend Shane (Laurie's son). He needs to stop acting like a jerk and realize they're just friends. If you saw the program, you could clearly see that the one word to describe Jo and Shane's relationship would be that they're:
a) Fucking
b) Fucking
c) Fucking
d) Fucking
5) Why didn't Laurie answer Slade's phone call after Jo left for the Playboy mansion?
a) Out of respect for her friend Jo
b) She was busy working
c) She's apprehensive due to their dating briefly while Jo and Slade were broken up this summer
d) She doesn't know how a phone works. "Fire alarm? AGAIN??!!"
6) What phrase did Laurie use to describe the many, many ways her life has changed since last season?
a) "A lot"
b) "A ton"
c) "Remarkably"
d) "360 degrees". Hmmmm.
7) Seriously, how gay is Shane?
a) No way! He's a baseball player for chrissakes!!
b) Please. 2 earrings does not make someone gay. Give it up.
c) He's a bit metro.
d) According to his boyfriend, pretty fucking gay.
8) Has Jeana's weight become an issue?
a) No.
b) Maybe.
c) It's not good.
d) Aren’t they missing a dog from last season?
A Note, to the Universe
Parking Lot
Easily the best quality I've found in a really long time of The Ramones documentary End of the Century PLUS some cool added features at the end? Yes please!
Enjoy.
Happy 250th Birfday Jane Austen!
I'm celebrating the best way I know how: by using the occasion to try & sell one of my @#$%ing books.
What a Total Fuckwad
JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...














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