XMASTIME 20 Years Ago Today

Okay so I missed it by 2 days but it seems relevant since we're in the midst of the Winter Olympics so if you could please. get. off. my. back!!!!

1) In looking at the Winter Olympics (ugh) I now realize I played the wrong sports as a kid. I played the standards: football, basketball and baseball – along with about 500 billion other kids across the country. With that much competition, I had about as much chance getting to the highest level as I did banging Kelly and Jessie while Zack and Slater threw dollar bills at me. But now I see some of these “sports” in the Olympics and I’m like fuck, if I had taken up some of these stupid fucking things as a kid, chances are good I’d be in the damn Olympics. Rich and famous for “sports” where I lie on my back and hurtle down an icy runway, or snow ski through woods shooting things, or follow some big disk with a broom, sweeping in front of it. I mean, do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody that does these fucking things? I gotta think that if I had played curling instead of football, my competition woulda decreased from 30,000,000 kids to 6. Hey, I fucked up. Soon as I have a kid I’m putting him on skis with a rifle in his hands and shoving him into the woods. “Call me when Pepsi calls for the endorsement deal, fucko.”