Fuck These Assholes

Moi Say Moi, back in 2023:

I don't know exactly when funny people decided there's some honor in not being funny, so I'd like to respectfully suggest they go fuck themselves.

I've been bitching for years about tv shows that call themselves comedies but aren’t funny at all; The Bear is the biggest offender, but I'd put Bill Hader’s Barry in there too (other than the hilarious Hank of course). Louis CK's Louie seemed to go out of its way to NOT be funny; I tried watching Widow's Bay for 20 minutes and not only did it fail to deliver anything even remotely funny at all, but it also didn’t even seem to be trying to.

To be clear, I’m not talking about shows that just aren’t funny, I’m talking about shows that seem to go out of their way to not be funny & yet clog up the Best Comedy Series category at the Emmys every year; it’s like when a politician realizes they have a better chance of winning an election if they just switch parties, without actually changing anything about themselves or what they stand for. So it brings me a bit of hope to see that of course after about 15 year of my bitching the Universe is finally starting to catch up to me on this non-funny “comedy” bullshit:

Future academics may pinpoint 2023, the year “The Bear” won the Emmy for outstanding comedy series, as the year the sitcom entered hospice care.

On the outstanding comedy series Emmy nominee “Margo’s Got Money Troubles,” money troubles are the least of it. Margo has to deal with an unexpected pregnancy, her violence-prone mother, her father’s drug addiction and the challenges of fighting for custody of her child when her occupation as a sex worker is revealed by the vengeful father of her child. Are you laughing yet? (That the creator of this “comedy” is David E. Kelley, the mind behind such hilarity as “Boston Legal” and “Big Little Lies,” tells you more than this piece can.)

Another nominee, “Nobody Wants This,” repeatedly detaches its star-crossed lovers, a rabbi and a sex-and-dating-podcasting shiksa, with the precision of a mohel’s izmel, while “Hacks” has tortured the two women at its center by setting them against each other, turning the show into a bitter, toxic take-no-prisoners fight for most of Season 4. Oscar and Felix fought on “The Odd Couple,” it’s true, but their fights never carried over beyond one or sometimes two commercial breaks.

The industry has always turned its nose up at comedy, but then why pathetically latch onto it just to win some shirty awards nobody really cares about? If making comedy that actually gets some laughs is so beneath you, why do you need its warm embrace during awards season so badly?

A Few Thoughts on Episode 2 of Season 4 of TED LASSO

WARNING: THESE ARE AS I TYPED THEM, I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS SHIT, TOUGH LUCK LOSERS

49 MINUTES long??!?!!?!? Grrr
Ted’s living above May’s bar now??? oooh I love it!!! What took so long??!?!
They need to recreate the American Werewolf in London opening pub scene. I can’t believe it’s taken this long for me to think of it to be honest.
Rebecca calls him “Leslie”; How can u call someone Leslie when you could be calling them “Higginzzzzzzzza!!!”???
Why are they going so much out of their way to tell us Higgins has to go thru this 6-inch thick binder & summarize it for Rebecca when he could just ChatGPT that shit in about a minute?
Rebeccas not gonna just lie when shes confronted about whether she ever considered hiring a woman instead of ted? Really? No wonder women get 70 cents on the dollar!!!
Is she going out of her way to say "Leslie" now? Dafuck?
You know what they shoulda started the whole season with this episode. BLAMMO! Open in Rebecca’s office and Super shoicker Ted surprise entrance!!! That woulda been better, woulda launched the entire season in about 3 minutes!!! Arghhh!!
Which reminds me, they really need to Chuck Cunningham Ted's wife & kid. Enough already, let's all just pretend they never happened and move the fuck on.
ROY KENT!!!!! FINALLY!!!! “You, Paddington fucking Bear” home run right off the bat
Oooooh Roy addicted to pills yikes 😬 camon Ted writers nobody wants to go thru this
Is “Alice Chilton” supposed to be an homage to Alex Chilton? I will look for clues! You KNOW Ted and Beard are huge Big Star fans.
What happened with Ted and Beard? Wasn’t Ted not at his wedding? Hmm.
Roy’s “your boyfriend’s here” = automatic comedy gold, this one gets funnier the older I get
I love that Beards huge picture in the hall leers into the womens locker room when the door is opened. Super creepy.
Is Ted Lasso the best at rocking the visor cap since Steve Spurrier?
Roys thing was sounding gross but…beef tallow? Mmmmmmm yes please?
I hope they keep up the weird Beard/Roy/Ted thing all season, instead of instantly crumbling like they normally do on these plot things
What exactly is Keelys role on the womens team? What happened to the business Rebecca handed her?
Not only do they still seem to have no idea what to do with Roy & Keeley but theyre basically standing around saying it themselves now? What?
I know the assistant Chilton coach is supposed to be the new star we love but so far she’s all one note? Is she even a good coach?
Wait then all of a sudden she’s the Michael Jordan of empathy, as soon as some player gets hurt?
The locker room reveal at the end got me. I am not made of stone, people.
I cant believe im saying this but is this a great episode? All the great Ted Lasso beats, all the way thru!! THE SHOULDA DITCHED THE OPENING EPISODE AND STARTED WITH THIS ONE!!!
Dammit the Beard/ted/roy conundrum is solved already grrr.
And wouldn’t ted hiring Beard back piss off Chilton after the whole big she’s staying now scene? How could it not? Why would she stick around, oh good not only did I get passed over he for the main job but now im an even lower assistant?

HAPPY BIRFDAY BIG BEAR! 🤗 🥳 🎂

[NOTE: it was his birthday yesterday but I'm scared of Friday the 13th so I waited]

There's a kazillion Big Bear posts from over the years, treat yourself in the search bar above with "Big Bear" for a rabbit hole of classics through the years.

Here he is about to get me dragged into a fistfight with some, and I quote, "friggin' loudmouths!" 😬 

Big Bear du Jour!!

Xmastime: how long does it take to get from Cherry Bomb's school to home?
Big Bear: same as it does from home to her school.

🤗🤣🕺🇮🇪☘️

#dickymacks #dingle  

OFAH du Jour - SPECIAL BIG BEAR EDITION!!! 🤗🕺

Moi Say Moi back in 2010:

The highest-level English class I took in college as an English major was Literary Criticism, in which the professor would constantly tie in how, say, The Mimetic Theory, could be applied to The Muppet Movie. It sounds silly 15 years later, but at the time it was always like "...is this guy retarded? what the...oh, shit, look at that. He's right." Bizzare. "How would Aristotle or Pope have interpreted this particular passage from Frankenstein? Okay, let's go to the tape: here's Fozzie and Kermit coming to a fork in the road while driving and..." 

I thought of that just now when I saw this:

and of course the first thing that popped into my head was, "Is it...the fungus 2 Chinese researchers are charged with smuggling into the US?"

Which of course reminded me of this all-time Xmastimc Classic from my godson Big Bear back in 2010:

(walking with Big Bear to pick Cherry Bomb up from school and trying to gauge if we could make it home before it started raining, or if I needed to call for a car service)

Xmastime: how long does it take to get from Cherry Bomb's school to home?
Big Bear: same as it does from home to her school.

Which brings us to our Only Fools and Horses du Jour, tying all of these disparate parts together as one, YOU'RE WELCOME VERY MUCH!! 

HAPPY 19th BIRFDAY......

.....to my godson Big Bear!!! :) Here he is, age 3, trying to rip a tree out of the ground with one hand…AND HE DID IT, PEOPLE! HE REALLY DID IT!

I can not believe the kid's 16 17 18 19 already...I have way too many great memories, a billion of which are in the blog over the last 19 years, so I'll just post this moment from when he was born:

Minutes after he was born, his dad brought him out to meet us all. Then the two of them got on an elevator to go downstairs. For something, I have no idea what. There were maybe 10 of us, and we're all just kinda standing there watching them get on the elevator, and a few minutes later we're all still standing there, chatting or whatever, and the elevator door opens. And standing there is some kid, looks to be about 10 or 12. Everybody's just kinda standing there looking at him, and finally I say "Jesus christ...how the hell long have we been standing here?"

ZERO LAUGHS!!! My greatest line ever, no laughs. ZERO!!!!

Still bugs me to this day....here's a great Big Bear moment: 

Today was Big Bear's first day of first grade. He told me all they did all day was play, to which I replied "well, tomorrow they're gonna get serious about you learning stuff, you know", to wit:

Xmastime: They're gonna teach you how to read.
Big Bear: I already know how to read.
Xmastime: Oh. Well, they're gonna teach you how to write.
Big Bear: I already know how to write.
Xmastime: Oh. Well, they're gonna teach you math.
Big Bear: I already know math. 
Xmastime: Well. (long pause...) I guess there's no reason to go back, then.
Big Bear: Probably not.

Back in 2012 via HERE:

(walking with Big Bear to pick Cherry Bomb up from school and trying to gauge if we could make it home before it started raining, or if I needed to call for a car service)

Xmastime: how long does it take to get from Cherry Bomb's school to home?
Big Bear: same as it does from home to school.

BIG BEAR & CHERRY BOMB!!

It apparently sat behind the front desk in my building for a month but this years Xmas card from Mamalizza finally got here!! 🤗🕺❤️

Proud Godfathah 🤗🕺🥲🇮🇪☘️

BIG BEAR has made a movie!!!!

Short film made by Luke Opalack and Lucien Clough. Funded by Trinity Dublin Film Society

Fantastic - watch, and then watch again!!! 🤗🕺  

Xmastime 15 Years Ago Today

Thursday, January 07, 2010

My Godson is Fucking Awesome

Big Bear, a la Mamalizza:

"2010 is going to be the best year EVER!"

You heard him - get cracking!! :)

Xmastime Worlds Colliding

Just a coulpa weeks ago I mentioned how much I loved this guy Danny Lewis' art, and for years now I've been a big fan of the guy inserting Paddington Bear into movie/tv scenes, so you can imagine how thrilled I was just now to see a Danny Lewis painting...with Paddington Bear???

I have no idea if this was intentional, if he knows about the Paddington Guy, but they do work perfectly together so 🤔🤷‍♂️?

Big Bear!!!

I mean look I've just saying, Big Bear's been over there at college for about 10 weeks now & *suddenly* we're seeing this? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!! 🤗🤣🕺🤗🕺🇮🇪

Ohhhhhhhh HELL No!

Is this a terribly-timed terrible April Fool’s Joke?

Goldfish crackers are synonymous with hungry kids, but the company is betting that a sophisticated name change could expand that audience. The Pepperidge Farm snack brand is tweaking its name for a limited time to “Chilean Sea Bass,” a more grown-up title, the Campbell’s Company announced Wednesday. It’s part of a strategy to attract adults and reestablish its relevance amid a broader decline in snacking following a pandemic peak.

I mean ffs, if people don't know what Goldfish crackers are they're gonna miss about 50% of my first book. See:

    We sat next to each other on a park bench, with Chuck distributing cheese Chilean Sea Bass between the two of us. I looked like I was three hours into a wedding reception: still in my interview pants and interview shoes, dress shirt un-tucked and unbuttoned, tie barely hanging on for dear life.
    I wiped orange cheese powder on my crumpled dress pants and Chuck, seeing I needed my Chilean Sea Bass refreshed, grabbed another handful with his tiny fist and shoved them in my face.
    “Rats! Mo Chilean Sea Bass  Rats!”
    Hanging out with a little kid meant I had to eat a lot of crap. All the kids we hung out with were learning about sharing for the first time, including Chuck, so if one of them offered me anything I’d have to accept it with an over-the-top "thank you for sharing!” I couldn’t get away with not eating the shit right then and there since they’d anxiously stare at me until I finally popped it into my mouth, which would make the kid so excited he’d grab another handful for me; without realizing it I’d eat half the bag and would be standing on the baking heat of the asphalt playground buzzed on faux powdered cheese, feeling like a grizzly bear who’d just been shot with a tranquilizer dart.
    Of course none of the kids were going to understand "no thanks, I don't want another one, let's get back to working on you making hot chicks bend over to pick you up so I can see down their shirts, thank you very much," so they kept coming with the treats. Unlike my own style of eating, which consisted of hovering over my plate swatting away hands like a hyperactive ninja, kids aren’t selfish at all with food. Just like rich people, kids have no idea there might ever be an end to their supply of food. And one kid sharing always egged on the other kids, so the amount of crap offered would go up exponentially. One time I even tried shouting “hey, what’s that over there?!” and then tossing a Gummy Bear over my shoulder, but of course some asshole kid saw it, freaked out, and I found myself picking up the goddam thing off the filthy playground, having to make a big show of eating it for the kids. I may as well have been scraping my dignity up off the asphalt and eating it.

OR they're trying to distance themselves from my brilliant stop-action Goldfish film from a few weeks ago??!?!? 😡

 

LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!!

My godson has been going to school in Ireland for about 10 minutes and someone's already stopped to ask him on camera what's he's listening to and I am furious; GODDAMMIT I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE LISTENING TO COLTRANE FOR DECADES SO SOMEONE CAN STOP ME & ASK WHAT I'M LISTENING TO!!! 😡😡😡😡

😜🤗🤣🕺 WE LOVE & MISS YOU BIG BEAR KEEP CRUSHING IT OVER THERE!! 🇮🇪

GO GET 'EM BIG BEAR!!!

My first godson Luke left for college today in Ireland. I'm sure I mentioned him hundreds of times on this blog since he was born yesterday so long ago now, so I won't even bother looking for the best bits, there's a million of 'em because the kid's been super-awesome since Day 1 & this Godfathah couldn't be more proud/fired up to cheer him on from across an ocean. 🤗🤣🕺😭🥲🇮🇪☘️

School Daze Ahead!

We celebrate Rhode Island for living legend Jackie Watts and Trinity College for my godson Big Bear!! 🤗 🕺 🏫

Happy Birfday Smokey the Bear

Smokey the Bear quietly celebrated his 80th birthday this week. I can't say I've really thought about ol' Smokey too much recently, but one of my first memories of school as a young child is being in a big semi-dark auditorium, filled with those thin-slatted slightly-curved wooden seats that had a hinge, and Smokey the Bear rolling up on the stage; after a whirlwind blur of a drunken buzz I'd never felt before I found myself in possession of a plastic bag to pick litter up with - thanks, really, - a Husky pencil destined to be splattered in two across the forehead of a kid a few grades above me on the afternoon school bus ride home, and a ruler that even to a 6 year-old read as "insanely flammable to the point of comedic irony".

Here's to another 80, Smokey!

HAPPY BIRFDAY MAMALIZZA!!

Some of my favorite days as a Manny were field trips with Mamalizza bringing Big Bear & Cherry Bomb. Our days at the Staten Island Children's Museum will always be one of my favorites of all time:

February 2008

May 2009

From a scrappy little bestseller (in 0 countries worldwide), WILLIAMSBURG RATS:

         It was a rare treat whenever Luke and Bobby’s mothers, Liza and Donna, were free for the day; we’d take the boys to the Bronx Zoo, or Staten Island Museum, wherever - our favorite was the aquarium at Prospect Park because they had the best cafeteria, which we always made sure was our first (and longest) stop. The Holy Grail was any time Liza and Donna would bring the boys over to Chuck’s house, which was really just a thinly veiled excuse for us to eat a large pizza from Carmine’s and gossip as much as possible before the kids melted down. They’d gripe about their husbands and thoughtfully pretend to marvel how could I possibly still be single, we’d all threaten to challenge each other to a week-long liquid cleanse diet, and then each of us would try to convince the other two it was ourselves who was having the least amount of sex, with the two of them being polite enough to include themselves in the “debate.”

        “Hiiiiiiii!” Liza, Donna and I sang in unison, hugging each other hello and laughing our way into the living room. We called ourselves JUGS, “Just Us Girls,” and if you ran into the three of us you’d almost think you were looking at Charlie’s Angels. Donna was the tall blonde who always looked like she’d just gotten back from the beach, Liza was the radiant Irish beauty who always looked like she was about to play the greatest April Fool’s joke ever on someone, and I was with them.

Here she is pregnant with Cherry Bomb, then with Big Bear and then with Cherry Bomb! 🤗

HAPPY BIRFDAY TO ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREATS!!! 🤗🕺

The Bear

I enjoyed most of season 3 of The Bear, it was perfectly fine. Instead of blathering on in one long post wrap-up, I'm just gonna drip/drab a thought or two out there over the next few days or so.

The writers put WAAAAAAAAAY much more stock into Claire as a character than I ever did. I took her seriously for about zero seconds last season, assuming of course Carmy would blow it with her and she wouldn't matter so I didn't let myself get too emotionally invested in her, which apparently is the exact opposite of whatever the writers/produces et al thought about her.

Why does the very existence of the restaurant hinge on one review? Wouldn't that be something a restaurant struggling to get customers would think? But getting butts in the seats doesn't seem to be the restaurant's problem - see their effort to flip over another entire seating because there's so much demand, for instance - so why would this one review be the be-all end-all for the restaurant?

I’m still waiting for someone to mention Carmy’s big showdown with Joel McHale, as in…that’s it? That’s what’s turned Carmy into whatever monster he hates inside of himself, an asshole chef? Really? Isn’t that a big part of the narrative of the great chef story, that one can only become a great chef when put through the ringer by an asshole chef? And yet here we are, supposed to be all wrapped up in the idea that OMG!! Joel McHale was mean to Carmy? And that’s what the basis of so much of Camry’s trauma is? What?

"Yeah...you know, I wasn't this much of a pussy back when I was Lip fuckin' Gallagher..."

14 Years Ago Today on Xmastime #XOTD2010

XMASTIME 15 Years Ago Today #XOTD2009

FRIDAY NIGHT KIDDIE FIGHTS, an absolute Xmastime classic!!!

A while ago I came up with the idea of FRIDAY NIGHT KIDDIE FIGHTS. I was gonna stage a boxing tournament between Big Bear, Short Bus, Husky and Paddy Mac; record myself announcing the "fights" on the radio. Then I would interview them for their post-fight comments, and hilarity would ensue. I even had the script planned out:

ROUND ONE: Short Bus vs. Paddy Mac
As the bell rings for the first round, Paddy Mac is distracted upon overhearing someone in the crowd claim their ticket to the event was tax-deductible cause the ticket was donated to a charity, which Paddy Mac of course knows...READ MORE