Black Swan

Is the only movie I've ever tuned into 10 minutes after the beginning and the first words of dialogue I hear are the title of the movie.

Diet Update

Another three pounds down this week.  On one hand I'm frustrated by the glacial pace; on the other, if I'd lost 3 pounds every week since the first time I cried and whined about losing weight on this blog I'd have lost approximately 924 pounds, so.  Slow & steady gets the stank.

Xmastime Memories

THE WHITEST VIDEO EVER?


The clothes. The dudes. The music itself. The dance "moves."

On a side note, it would almost be worth getting another girlfriend (“But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “you just had one 16 years ago!!") just to break up to this song, making it THE GREATEST BREAKUP OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLL TIME:

After her twin sister cleans up and leaves, gf tells me that's it, she doesn't wanna see me anymore. Sitting on the couch, stunned, the silence is broken by the sound of my voice, barely above a whisper:

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago

"What?" she asks, confused.

I wanted you far too much to ever let you go.

"Are you...are you saying something? What the hell?"

(Now slowly rising up, voice rising with me, still staring into her eyes, unblinking.)

You know you never got by "I feel it too", And I guess I never could stand to lose

"Wha - what the fuck are you doing?"

It's such a pity to say

Goodbye to you (left arm pointing straight at her, head bopping)
Goodbye to you (right arm out now)

"You're creeping me the fuck out, what the hell-"

(Now I'm floating and spinning in front of her, just like Patti Smyth in the video)

Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you

"Please, stop!  Stop it!"

I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too  (shaking a "no no!" finger in her face)

"Well, I...I mean, I..."

These last few weeks of holding on, The days are dull, the nights are long 
(She can only stare open-mouthed now)

Guess it's better to say
(double knee slide right in front of her, really belting it out now)
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

(The next minute will be tough, nothing really happens in the song, but by then she is openly weeping, and has, upon seeing my performance, decided she's still in love with me and DOESN'T wanna break up.)

Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too

(Now she's joined me on the floor, on her knees, sobbing while holding onto my legs, begging me not to go, that we're in love forever)

These last few weeks of holding on
(I lightly take her head and pull her up to me)
The days are dull, the nights are long
(Tenderly lay a kiss on her cheek)
Guess it's better to say 

(long pause)

(still pausing)

Goodbye to you
(Pull out a piece of chocolate cake that was in my pocket and smush it into her face, smearing it all over while she looks aghast)

Goodbye to you

(I walk out)

THE GREATEST BREAKUP OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLL TIME!!!!!!!! 

The Manny Tapes Memories

Just now The Short Bus and I were watching Sesame Street, and The Count started singing one of his counting songs. You know that shit, like "ONE! TWO! I LIKE YOU!! THREE! FOUR! MY HYMEN IS TORN!!" Anyway he's bopping along to it, and then I start singing along with the numbers and he cuts me a look. Turns out the kid is annoyed that I know my numbers, and he doesn't. Which is funny, cause it's never bothered him that I am 5 feet taller than he is, or that I can read, speak English, vote, get my own food and don't need another person to wipe my own shit off my ass. But me knowing numbers before him? That pisses him off. Of course.









"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! That's okay, let's take a wild guess at which one of us is gonna get laid next, you sorry fat fuck!!!!"

In Other Breaking News, Paris Hilton Accuses Kim Kardashian of Being a Celebrity for No Reason

Ups & Downs with Xmastime

Every minute up until 6:37pm today: "There is no God."
6:37pm today, when the Tigers catcher slips on the Yankee on-deck circle because of the rain and misses a foul ball that would've ended the game, giving the Yankees a chance to come back from 2 runs behind: "There is a God...AND HE LOVES THE YANKEES!!!!"
Four minutes later, as the Yankees lose: "There is no God."

Single People Rejoice as Two Old Fuglies Take Themselves Off the Market

Career Opportunity

I don't wanna pat myself on the back, you people know how humble I like to be, but I think companies should hire me to just hang out in their offices.  Hey, I'm always upbeat, I'm easy to be around, and you know I loves me a laugh.  I'd be in the breakroom, the cafe; if someone's particularly down they can request a pop-by at their cube.  I'm like a big shaggy dog - how stressed out or upset can you be when you see me bopping into the room?

Here's Me...

...about to get raped by a bear, but having the wherewithal to Instagram it with a snappy 1977 setting first.  Fresh!

Money Bags

I just saw this on Facebook (an online social network, you should check it out):

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE !!~~This year October has 5 Mondays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This Happens once every 823years. This is called money bags. So copy this to your status and money will arrive within 4 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui. The one who does not copy, will be without money. Copy within 11 mins of reading. 

I don't go that chain-letter luck stuff (I only believe in karma when it's  1. solely directed at me  2. bad), but I always like hearing about things that happen once every coupla hundred years.  You know, like me having a girlfriend, for instance.   (also HERE.)

Things That Drive Me Fucking Bananas

I already hate having to hear broadcasters other than the regular ones during the playoffs (lurking is the insufferable Joe fucking Buck), but when they're showing the batting order, why the fuck do they hafta barrage us with some fucking techno shit? Wtf? For fuck's sake, IT'S FUCKING BASEBALL!:*

1) I went to Yankee Stadium the other night with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur). Is there anything better than going to a baseball game? Nyet. The food, the open air, the bright colors of the field, everything's perfect. EXCEPT. What the fuck is up with the between-innings ROARING sound system - I wanna kick back, relax, talk to my buddy while the teams switch on the field and I'm barraged with this sound system that is apparently powered by jet engines. Are they scared that if there's not constant action on the field, I'll leave? IT'S BASEBALL - nothing EVER happens on the field!!!!! And then during big moments I've got the scoreboard screaming at me to get up and MAKE SOME NOISE!! GET EXCITED!!!!!! Jesus. Dude, I'm fucking excited already; Im at the damn game! I know the bases are loaded and Jeter's up, I'm not fucking reading "The Bridges of Madison County" in the goddam stands. I know you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just paid $9 for a fucking hot dog, but enough.

* also amazing in that post: my dogs and money thing 

Love Songs

Walking home this morning it occurred to me how depressing it is that I'm at the age now that I no longer relate to the overly dramatic love songs of youth, saying things like "I'll die for you!" and "our love with create the stars" etc.  The only love songs written for me are Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen ones, saying things like "I'll pay the light bill every month," "yes that makes you fat but who cares", "shitting with the door open", "we don't even notice each other farting any more" and so forth.  Fucking hell.

On the other hand, I caught myself thinking "why on Earth are you so fucking haopy?"

Ugh.  The paradox of my eternal happiness is killing me.

Prince

I'm not a guitar solo guy, but yes, this is by far the greatest live guitar solo of all time.  It also reiterates that while white people are dull as hell, The Beatles are still incredible. (ie, it's pretty obvious how much Prince loves the song and respects George Harrison, if only because its not like it's easy to get Prince to these sort of things.) Prince shreds the fuck out of this.

So. This Happened Today.

I caught myself thinking "man, I really hate my fucknig hair."

Sigh. My only hope is my high school football coach never sees this shit.

Xmastime Podcast 2

A New Low. It's Arrived.

I am watching the Hannah Montana movie in Spanish. I don't know a lick of Spanish. I have watched the movie so many times, I barely noticed the language being different.

Sigh. This Is How It Starts.

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE ME STOP WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW

I'm not even joking, I am begging for a fucking intervention here. For fuck's sake. But I will say, the mother of the kid who looks like Peter Pan is a fucking incredible character, never seen but screaming like a lunatic offscreen. Vera meets Estelle Costanza.

Wall Street

I was dismissive of the Wall Street protesters yesterday, but it occurs to me this is somewhat hypocritical on my part since for years I've whined re: the middle class not showing enough outrage at Wall Street. I still doubt they'll have any effect, but I'm glad they're doing it.

via a Sully reader:

I don't see these protesters in the same dismissive way you seem to.  Compare them to the Tea Party-ers.  Yes, some of their tactics are theatrical, and their motive seems to be expression of rage without a whole lot of specific focus.  It's pretty juvenile stuff.  But at least they have identified an actual, real world object of well-deserved anger, not some misguided paranoid fantasy.  It has baffled me that there has been so very little anger expressed by folks towards Wall Street in the last three years.  I don't know what their end game is, but these protesters at least give me some hope that maybe the middle class is waking up and finding its voice.

Family Keeps Things in Perspective.

Just as I'm patting myself on the back for being amazing, each of my three sibling independently let me know that they hate voicemail message. So I fucking changed it.