Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

Two weeks ago HERE I mentioned how tickled I was to find myself reading the same book as George Costanza, and now I find myself enjoying one of my favorite scenes throughout all of Blackadder, the one where he meets the very firing squad scheduled to execute him in the morning, while also reading Victor Hugo's The Last Day of a Condemned Man.

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

Yesterday I mentioned being pleasantly surprised by reading the same book as Gorge Costanza, and then this morning the plot thickens: a big chunk of the beginning of the book is about Holly Golightly never having any keys to her apartment building so she's always having to bug the shit outta people in the building to come open the door for her at all hours of the night/morning, and this morning when going into work I realized I'd lost my building i.d. badge MEANING THAT, JUST LIKE HOLLY GOLIGHTLY, I HAD TO CALL SOMEBODY TO LET ME IN THE BUILDING!!! 😳🤯

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

I can honestly say this is the first time the book I happen to be reading at any given time just happens to be the exact same book George Costanza just happens to pretend to be reading at that exact given time.

Life as Costanza

I just saw this little factoid

and because I'm a terrible human being I couldn't help but think, "116K? Out of 4.7M?....that's it?"

Which of course took me right to...Costanza!

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “isn't this the second time you've referenced that very episode of Seinfeld in the last coupla weeks??"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers. Yes I did

 

My Top 3 BBC Sitcoms for Each Decade

Of course these are only based on what I've actually seen, who knows what could go on this list next week?

1970s

One of the charming things about shows from the 70s is that the sets and production look like they were made with a $20 budget. And when I say that, I say it with affection. There’s a cozy quiet to them, which let’s you focus on the characters and comedy.

To the Manor Born

A lot of British sitcoms are about class but none more explicitly than this one. Throw in a will-they-or-won’t-they? Between the great Penelope Keith (The Good Life) and always debonair Peter Bowles (The Irish R.M.), and it’s hard to mess this one up.

Fawlty Towers

Basil Fawlty is without a doubt the most irredeemable sitcom character ever. There is not one second of any episode in which he is remotely nice or warm. But he is one thing: hilarious.

Porridge

Ronnie Barker’s world-weary cynicism mixed in with his affection for young Godbar (Richard Beckinsale, who tragically died young at 31) is our magic. And another spot of genius is have the yin-yang of two security guards, one a hard-ass and the other a softie, to have Barker play against.

1980s

The 80s (and 90s, really) were a bit barren for comedy at the BBC, at least what I’ve seen so far. To be honest I originally wanted this to be the best 5 of each decade, but simply couldn’t think of 5 I love from the 80s.

Only Fools and Horses

The Greatest of All Freaking Time. Period.

Blackadder

A remarkable show that spent every minute of it’s run being incredibly funny & snarky and then in the last minute pulled the rug out from under all of us, leaving us gasping in wonder.

Yes, Minister

A brilliant, if not terrifying, behind the curtain look at how the sausage gets made. But unlike Veep’s brilliant nastiness, this shows more of a gentle hand from those who know how things actually get done (or, more importantly, don’t) leading those who enter the arena with a charming, if useless, idealism.

1990s

The Vicar of Dibley

The King (or should I say Queen) of the era’s warm, cozy embraceable sitcoms. Every character is funny, but what else would you expect from the British National Treasure that is Richard Curtis?

The Royle Family

The second this first aired, every single tv writer in England surely thought “a show about a regular lazy-ass broke family lounging around watching tv? WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT??”

The Alan Partridge Show

Another British protagonist who is extremely unlikable and doesn’t have a single kind moment in the whole run, yet we love it because he’s just too damn funny.

2000s 
People like to claim the 1970s was the “Golden Age” of the BBC, but the fact is the 21st century is stuffed to the gills with great sitcoms. I had more trouble paring these down than any other decade.

Gavin & Stacey

Hard to imagine a single show having a mix of so much heart and so many funny characters. While the the two leads play it mostly straight, the supporting cast is an all-star team. And of course it delivered to us another British Treasure in James Corden (who also wrote it, along with co-star Ruth Jones.)

The Inbetweeners

Since this hysterical raunchiest came out, seemingly countless shows have tried to imitate it, all failing miserably. These four are The Beatles of their genre to everybody else’s Herman Hermits.

Peep Show
A horrifying answer to the question, “what if we could hear what someone’s really thinking?” And when one of them is a George Costanza and the other bit of a psychopath, the comedy simply does not stop.

2010s

The Wrong Man(s)

A comedy spoof of every spy/thriller movie ever made, but essentially boils down to we love it for pretty much one thing: James Corden being James Corden.
 

Moone Boy

A big warm-hearted hug of a sitcom from late-80s Ireland, what draws us in is Chris O’Dowd because one thing we all as human beings have all agreed on is that we all love Chris O’Dowd. But what keeps us is the main character, a kid so naturally funny I dread the day he pull a Theo Huxtable and realizes he’s on camera and has to be an ACT-OR.

Spy

I first noticed Darren Boyd in the great Whites, thinking “wow, this guy was made to play John Cleese (which it turns out he did). That led me to this show in which not only is he great, but also a lunatic Richard Lindsay and a genuinely funny, asshole little kid.

My Top 10 Favorite BBC Sitcom Characters

With a few exceptions, this list was agonizing to pare down. The runner-ups are in the dozens. More from Only Fools and Horses could’ve made it but I made the decision to just include Del Boy. I feel bad there’s not more women on the list but again, there are plenty in #s 11-199. I genuinely love each of these characters, each of which gives me amazing entertainment any time I ask for it. Other than Del Boy being #1, this is in no order. Enjoy!

Del Boy Trotter (David Jason, Only Fools and Horses)

What can I say that I haven’t already on these pages? He’s simply the greatest sitcom character of all time. He’s funny of course, but he’s different than a lot of other sitcom characters in that he actually TRIES to be funny with his friends. He doesn’t just effortlessly toss out remarkable witticisms every 30 seconds without acknowledging he’s joking. And of course the best of Del Boy came shining through when the episodes were extended from 30 minutes to 50, as we got to see more inside his heart with the incredible David Jason’s acting chops nailing it every time.

When you meet Del, you assume he’s a typical oily douchebag salesman. And while it’s true he could "talk his way out of a room without doors”, over time you see WHY he’s somewhat like that. With his mother dying and father leaving him when he was 16, it’s was up to him to raise not only 3 year-old Rodney, but the lovable but useless Grandad. We start seeing over and over again that the one thing that means more to him than anything is his family - he never got married because girls didn’t want to help raise Rodney, so he stuck with Rodney. Opportunities came up - like moving to Australia for a big-time job - but Rodney couldn't come with him so he turned the job down. He was always loyal to his friends and if you were in a fox-hole, you’d want him with you. As someone once said, “Del Boy could fall into a viper pit and come out wearing snakeskin boots."

This exchange perfectly encapsulates his always feeling the need to take care of his elders (probably due to how much he absolutely reveres his dead mother) and yet can compartmentalize making money:

Del: I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?

Rodney: Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot, that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?

Del: Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy. 

This scene is just simply fa really funny scene I've always loved; to see the breadth of Del Boy see the last video in this post from last week. Mange tout!


Smithy - (James Corden, Gavin and Stacey)

Talk about a character who has become a beloved national treasure. Since this was written by Corden and is pretty much the exact same character he plays in the wonderful The Wrong Man(s) which he also wrote, I think it’s safe to say this is pretty much Corden being Corden…which is, in a word, delightful. Just like in The Wrong Man(s) his character is the Costanza to his partner’s Jerry, always living at a high pitch while the other is even-keeled. His reactions to Gavin moving on in life - getting married, moving to Barry, etc - are half immature, half spurned wife. He can be selfish and boarish but then he lays out his food policies - like not sharing food family style - and I revel in the fact that it’s just like me. There’s also something so warm about Gavin’s family basically being his own, and the effect he’s had on them re: his many goofy sayings (“Don’t mind if I do? Then don’t mind if I don’t!") is telling of how much charisma and warmth he really has. Brits will be looking for Smithy every year on Red Nose Day, and with each year I bet they love him even more. I know I do.

Oh yeah, and after promising to deliver a best man’s speech so funny that upon practicing it on Gary and Simon they “rinsed themselves”, he gave the greatest best man speech ever.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton (Penelope Keith, To the Manor Born)

Her role as Margo Ledbetter in The Good Life could’ve easily gone in here since they’re basically the same character, but I chose this one because it’s the lead. It takes an amazing actress to pull off a character we’d normally be set up to not like, the sort of English upper-crust who believes people around her exist merely to maintain her own social status. There is a thrill in her initial “downfall”, but we quickly root for her because even though she’s a snob, she’s so damn likable. Partly because she’s of the (maybe?) last generation of “noblesse oblige”; she’s lost almost everything but the idea of letting her butler Brabinger loose out into the cruel world is unthinkable to her. Her role is to desperately fight maintain the status quo of her once and future estate. How good of a character is this? Incredibly, her natural sense of entitlement is somehow endearing. Now THAT is tough to pull off (at least to an American, I suppose.)

Jay Cartwright (James Buckley, The Inbetweeners)

Never before has one character been tasked with delivering so much bullshit and then delivering it in spades. As he’s constantly bullshitting about being “up to my nuts in guts!” he knows he’s bullshitting, his friends know he’s bullshitting, and he knows his friends know he’s bullshitting, and yet he simply cannot stop! It’s small wonder the producers of Rock & Chips thought of him when they were looking for a 16 year-old Del Boy. Ironically, the show’s only “earnest” moments - and they are flickering - are when Jay’s dad shows up and absolutely pummels him with insults about his manhood and being useless. You get a peek at maybe why Jay’s so desperate to be seen as more than he really is by his friends, after being told daily by his dad he’s even less than he really is. And the series’ best scene ever flawlessly combines Jay’s first heartbreak with his incredible ability to bullshit about his non-existent sex life.

Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan, The Alan Partridge Show)

There’s a million iterations of this character, so I’m sticking to the 1997/2002 series show. Watching Alan Partridge for too long can make you start to wonder, “gee, if I’m just a complete asshole to everybody maybe I can become quasi-famous and comfortable financially?” I’m not sure there’s ever a single thing he does for anyone else except of course for visiting the home of that psycho stalker fan. His personality is such that he seemingly always get out of getting his ass kicked because even as you’re hearing it, you’re thinking there’s no way someone just said that.

Which, of course, makes him intoxicating to watch.

(Note: the two men at the table are the creators of the classic Father Ted; on the right is Graham Linehan who would also write the great Black Books, The IT Crowd, Count Arthur Strong and more.)

Geraldine Granger (Dawn French, The Vicar of Dibley)

It’s hard to say if playing this part only 2 years after the Church of England legalized (maybe not the right word) women vicars was really edgy, since when it’s delivered it’s wrapped in the typical Richard Curtis warm, cozy embrace. Her character is equal parts empathetic, bombastic, spiritual and lustful, which certainly makes her more interesting than any member of the clergy I’ve ever met. Her handling of David Horton's disdain and her patience with Alice Tinker (both fantastic characters themselves) at every turn is a remarkable juggling act, to say nothing of doing it under the scrutiny of a “man’s job” while in such a backwards (or is it?) village. And she somehow pulls off the remarkable feat of being both timeless and current.

Norman Fletcher (Ronnie Barker, Porridge)

Ronnie Barker is a King of British Comedy over so many roles, but there’s no denying he was born to play the weary, savvy prisoner that is Fletcher. His seemingly having his finger on the pulse of everything and everybody inside is a marvel to watch, and him becoming a father figure to prison cellmate Godbar made for some of the best scenes on tv. And while his cynicism about the world would often feel dark, along with a sadness about having wasted his life, his credo about creating “little victories” to get through each and every day is nothing but inspiring.

David Jason played Blanco alongside Barker in Porridge (as well playing Granville to Barker’s Arkwright in the classic Open All Hours), and in Porridge’s sequel Going Straight it’s revealed his son is played by Nicholas Lyndhurst, the future Rodney Trotter. In my eyes, the very fabric of British sitcom is woven throughout the character of Fletcher.

This is one of my favorite bits, from the very first episode.

Jim Royle (Ricky Tomlinson, The Royle Family)

It’s hard to beat the Wikipedia description of Jim Royle:

Misanthropic, cynical and negligent, Jim is a slob who spends his days sitting in his armchair watching television doing as little as possible and enjoys announcing his visits to the lavatory. Jim is an ill-tempered miser and regularly roasts his family, in particular Antony and his mother-in-law Norma, when not slamming celebrities on television. Jim's outbursts are often accompanied by his mocking catchphrase, "my arse!" On occasions he shows a more patient side, especially when his family is in serious trouble. 

It’s hard to imagine Jim Royle getting a woman to marry him in any generation after his own; no woman today would serve him like a pack mule for over 50 years as Barbara does. And he’s such an enigma - does he work? Has he EVER worked? How does he get the cash to even go to his beloved pub, The Feathers? Either way, he’s beyond entertaining, and while I’m pretty sure any family member who is about to introduce a friend or more to Jim Royle for the first time goes thru an extensive warning about being in the same room as Jim,  he’s definitely the dream dinner guest for any 12 year-old boy what with the farting and cussing and making fun of anyone he can think of.

Here's a typical scene from the show, of which is 99% family sitting on the couch watching tv.

Uncle Bryn (Rob Brydon, Gavin and Stacey)

This makes Gavin and Stacey the only show here with 2 characters (and Pam Shipman almost made it 3), but I’ve always had a feeling the writers didn’t know what they had on their hands when they first began writing Bryn. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen such a compelling character for being so earnest, so naive, so well-intentioned, so childlike - if you don’t root for Uncle Bryn immediately, I probably will be suspicious of you. And it’s all those qualities that made his most amazing moments - snapping the families into place when they got into a fight about where the wedding would be held, reading his brother’s posthumous note to Stacey on her wedding day and, most of all, his song at Baby Neil’s christianing. Here you have a guy who's obviously been kicked around his whole life, never had any friends, and you realize he's singing about himself, his own having to be strong every day just to get through. You think he's gonna get made fun of, but it's just overpowering. Once this hit me, I've never been able to watch without some waterworks. I love Uncle Bryn.

Wolfie Smith (Richard Lindsay, Citizen Smith)

Just as his very name suggests, he’s a lovable scamp that considers himself a revolutionary Marxist who really has nothing tangible to say about anything and couldn't actually tell you what he’s fighting for. But watching him do it, while dragging his daft but earnest friends along is a joy to watch, as well is his Fonzarelli-style living quarters above his girlfriends parent’s apartment. Sitcom 101 dictates the father is woefully disapproving of Wolifie’s “socialist” lifestyle, and of course the mother dotes on him while calling him “Foxy.” It’s no wonder John Sullivan’s first sitcom would lead the way for Only Fools and Horses; Wolfie is like a much younger Del Boy who peddles bullshit politics instead of cheap, crappy merchandise. Freedom for Tooting!

(Unfortunately there’s not a lot of clips on YouTube so here’s the entire pilot.)

When Life Imitates Costanza

As it has MANY, MANY TIMES BEFORE.

Yes, Minister

Like last year, 2016 has been a fantastic year for me when it comes to BBC sitcoms. I can't possibly remember all of my new favorites, but after only one season I'm officially putting Yes, Minister in the pantheon previously.  Top 10 (at this moment) in bold.


IN THE PANTHEON OF BBC GREATNESS

Only Fools and Horses

The IT Crowd
Fawlty Towers
I'm Alan Partridge
Peep Show
The Inbetweeners
Blackadder
Vicar of Dibley
Rev.
To the Manor Born
The Good Life
Count Arthur Strong
Rising Damp
Open All Hours
Black Books
The Other Man(s)
Miranda
Vicious
Citizen Smith
Whites
Spy
Yes, Minister 

Also, Sir Humphrey from Yes, Minister may be closing in on the pantheon of sitcom characters, a la Bunker/Costanza/Del Boy/Alex P. Keaton/Charlie Kelly.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

One of my favorite (of many) George Costanza quotes is “I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.” This morning it occurred to me that it should have ended “Unless it’s the reading of a will.”

The Gospel According to Costanza

I've written on these pages a million (well, or 29) times that life always comes down to Costanza, so here's George Costanza's Lines That Can Help You Justify Your Terrible Behavior. Sigh. God Bless George Costanza!

Oh Oh

I've mentioned on this blog a million times that as I get older, life seems to always comes down to being George Costanza. And this guy at Grantland agrees:

Now that I am myself a nominal adult, I think of George as more of a documentary.  - XMASTIME

Here's 27 signs you're the George Costanza of your group.

I'm pretty sure it's me.

Costanza

I've mentioned on this blog a million times that as I get older, life seems to always comes down to being George Costanza. And this guy at Grantland agrees:

Now that I am myself a nominal adult, I think of George as more of a documentary.

Curb You

A few years ago I (probably sexily) mused:

During a conversation about great sitcom characters yesterday, I was asked how I could think George Costanza was a better character than Larry David, since David was the "real" George.  I'd never thought about it, but it occurred to me that George was always bubbling with anger and paranoia, about to blow at any moment.  There was always a desperation about George, whereas David, even though he gets people pissed off and gets in shouting matches, can always just shrug it off "fuck it" since he's a gazillionaire and, in spite of his "neurotic Jewishness", has already had a wildly successful life.  I understand some of the shows humor comes from the absurdness of such a guy getting in the situations he does, but, in the end, there's really nothing at stake for Larry.

The Onion AV Club wondered the same thing, kind of:

Here’s something I’ve been wondering: would Curb Your Enthusiasm be as funny as it is if Larry David weren’t an extraordinarily wealthy man? 

If he were a janitor, or even a chemistry teacher, rather than the executive producer of one of the most successful TV shows of all time, would Curb be as great as he is? I doubt it. Part of what makes Larry so hilarious, at least in the context of Curb, is how infinitesimally tiny his problems are; it's the contrast between the volume of his moaning and the scale of the injustices he faces. Larry's enemies are the small-time evildoers of the world, the “pig parkers” and “chat-n’-cutters,” not the drug dealers or human traffickers. The conventional wisdom about comedians is that they are tortured souls who use comedy to cope with the pain of adversity, but Larry David provides solid evidence to the contrary: that extraordinary privilege and material comfort can actually make you pretty funny, too.

It's Not a Lie If You Believe It

Longtime Xmastime buddy The Girl Who is now Twitter buddies with George Costanza. Meaning, of course, I'll hafta spend the rest of my life desperately sucking up to her to be her bff, all while screaming "damn you to hell, The Girl Who!!" and shaking my fists at the sky whenever she can't see me.

WELL, Well Well...

I cannot count on a hundred hands the number of times I've written on this blog that life always comes down to Costanza, and now I see Buzzfeed sucking on my wake with 35 Ways You're a Young George Costanza. You're welcome, Earth.

32. Basically, your life is a bunch of lies.

Life is Costanza

ELAINE: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. George didn't even have his glasses on!

JERRY: But he was squinting.

ELAINE: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

JERRY: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty-ten vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road! 

That's how I think of my hearing if I think there's some fucking going on in my building.

Circular Costanza

I noticed it the other night when he was on Bill Maher too - why the fuck is George Costanza wearing a rug? Gawker gets it right:

The worst part is that there was a whole Seinfeld episode about how George's toupee was silly and ugly. Jason Alexander acted out the thing and yet didn't absorb the "silly and ugly" part at all. This is like the time Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, a good movie about living a fulfilling life by being yourself, and then proceeded to become a sad, lonely drug addict obsessed with fame.

That Seinfeld episode was of course The Beard, nominated by me to be the single best episode, and featured maybe the greatest George line ever:

"Remember - it's not a lie if you believe it."

So now, instead of merely life coming down to Costanza, we have Costanza himself bringing art to life…while doing The Opposite?

Whoa. My mind is officially fucking blown.

State du Moi

If being the George Costanza Quoteologist of my generation was a marketable skill, my life would be a lot better.

Celebs du Jour

Here's 25 Celebrities and their favorite Beatles songs. No I Want to Hold Your Hand, no A Day in the Life...only two of their choices match my own Top 10. I'm not saying this means they're idiots, I'm saying it means they're fucking retards who wouldn't know a great song if it walked up and bit them on the ass.

Brad Pitt: Come Together and While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Since we pretty boys hafta stick together I've always liked Brad Pitt, even though Moneyball was grossly overrated, but he gets dinged here. First of all for not having the sack to make a final decision on a song, and secondly for one of them to be Come Together, the shittiest, most overrated Beatles song that is for some reason  considered a "classic."

Joe Perry: Tomorrow Never Knows. A stunningly innovative, culture-changing song of which my love for it now needs to be questioned since it's championed by this fucking jerkoff.

Taylor Swift. Here Comes the Sun. Great song, almost single-handedly saves Abbey Road, and she's spot-on re: how uplifting it is, especially coming out of the middle 8. Great. I now share an opinion on Beatles songs with a 12 year-old girl and a guy who's so stupid he hasn't minded being in Aerosmith for like 60 years. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

James Taylor. Penny Lane. A great song, and shoulda been on Pepper along with Strawberry Fields, which woulda made it the greatest album of all time without any debate. I give James Talor credit for getting up in Carly Simon's horse-teef guts ("and on the 8th day, God made a woman who could eat corn on the cob through a chain-link fence solely for Xmastime..."), but I dismiss his music, which my then 95 year-old grandmother once referred to as "pussy cracker shit." Ironically, we have The Beatles to blame for unleashing this particular monster of sleep-rock on us. Thanks, guys!

Julie Taymor: Something. Like Here Comes the Sun, a great song from The Dark Horse that along with the Golden Slumbers melody are the only things worth a crap on Abbey Road. Also, I have no idea who Julie Taymor is despite the fact that this is a list of celebrities and I work for a celebrity magazine.

Keith Urban: She's Leaving Home. Sgt. Pepper superslice, I've mentioned it HERE. Although I shudder to think how shitty his "music" must be, I have no beef with Keith Urban; having to fuck Nicole Kidman is punishment enough.

Joe Walsh. No song listed. Perfectly fitting for a member of the Eagles, maybe the most blah, nothing band ever. One time Op mentioned to me that Tequila Sunrise is a better song than Paradise by the Dashboard Light.  Of course I rolled my eyes at the very notion of such a thing, to which he insisted "No, I mean it, th-" which I cut off with a "BUP-bup-bup bup!", waving an index finger in his face like a metronome needle.  He kept talking: "I'm telling-" "AAAAAAH, bup-bup-bup-bup...(now slowing down, along with my finger so as to wind his idiocy down, along with lowering my eyebrows which had started at the top of my head and were now nearing their normal position)...bup......bup.................bup...............................................bup."  And with that Op knew to shut up, that he's an idiot and I was right, so he curled up with a sleeve of Snackwells and cried like a baby.

Evan Rachel Wood: Happiness is a Warm Gun. Kind of an inside baseball pick, which she further exacerbates by name-dropping Fool on the Hill and Blue Jay Way. Hey Rachel, we get it, you know The Beatles deep cuts...which on planet Earth at least, don't really exist:

Jimmy Fallon: what's your favorite obscure Beatles song?
Ringo Starr: (incredulous) obscure Beatles song?

Kris Allen: While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Xmastime superslice, made my White Album as a single album list, along with Happiness is a Warm Gun. I have no idea who Kris Allen is, but I admire his deep, thoughtful critique of the song: "There's just something about it." Thank you, Kris. The world needs more rich, famous, young people without a single thought in their heads.

Tom Araya: Revolution. Looking at his photo, I'm guessing by the long hair, grayed goatee, tattoos, and black t-shirt with a skull on it that Mr. Araya is in a heavy metal band. Reading what he says about the song I'm guessing that band is Slayer, since he says "It's so Slayer!" Congratulations Slayer, it only took you 31 years to be compared to The Beatles. That you had to be the one to finally do it only makes you a member of rock and roll's proud, noble "do it yourself" work ethic.

Kenneth Brannagh: For No One. An Xmastime superslice. McCartney sat down at a piano and played it in Give My Regards to Broad Street, which was basically two hours of Macca standing around looking surprised. Which, actually, is just how he looks all the time. How much does it suck if you're a magician and Paul McCartney's your audience?

Michael Caine: Hey Jude. I've blathered on many, many times how great Hey Jude is. McCartney famously wrote the song to comfort Julian Lennon during his parents' divorce, originally singing "Hey Jules." According to it's Wiki page:

Ringo Starr almost missed his drum cue. He left for a toilet break—unnoticed by the other Beatles—and the band started recording. In 1994, McCartney said, "Ringo walked out to go to the toilet and I hadn't noticed. The toilet was only a few yards from his drum booth, but he'd gone past my back and I still thought he was in his drum booth. I started what was the actual take, and 'Hey Jude' goes on for hours before the drums come in and while I was doing it I suddenly felt Ringo tiptoeing past my back rather quickly, trying to get to his drums. And just as he got to his drums, boom boom boom, his timing was absolutely impeccable."

So the next time you hear a song written by Paul McCartney about a 5 year-old boy, know that it began with Ringo Starr's dick in his hand. Hmm.

Jude Law: Across the Universe. Another Xmastime superslice. Of the obvious pick Hey Jude, Law says how lucky he is that the song that shares his name is a great song and not a sucky one. As someone who shares his own name with the hit It's Xmastime, Now Gimme Dat Ass!!, I concur.

Jonathon Demme: In My Life. One of my many, MANY funeral slices.

Jamie Foxx: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Rocking superslice. How great was Foxx' riff on In Living Color as the old man named Cornbread with Duke, the dead dog? I went through a spell about 10 years ago during which I tried to get the nickname "Cornbread" tagged on me, but it didn't stick. I'm not saying I hate "Clownshoe Dick", but I really liked "Cornbread." Although how's this for irony: I don't even LIKE cornbread!! I prefer spoonbread! Me, huh? An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in juuuuuuuuuuuust tight enough for her pleasure Toughskins. Sigh.

Peter Frampton: Norwegian Wood. Meh. Good song. Rubber Soul, while still an A-, is my second least-favorite Beatles album, which is something Beatles fans have a problem with. Maybe if they knew that I also kick puppies (well, the colored ones) they'd get a little sense of perspective and would stop whining about the whole "oooh no, Xmastime doesn't love Rubber Soul as much as we do!!" thing. Grow up, people.

Ryan Gosling: Here, There, and Everywhere. Meh. Never loved this one. Seems to be merely an "ohmygod, look how astoundingly melodic Paul McCartney is!" thing. Though I do give Rosling props for taking on the role of slow, white cornerback in Remember the Titans only 17 years after Tom Cruise had cemented himself as the Marlon Brando of the character in All the Right Moves. Gutsy.

Mark Hoppus: She's Leaving Home. Interesting this one has popped up twice on the list. Not as interesting as the fact that we can figure out how to have seedless fruit and yet we're stumped on how to stop Kim Kardashian from being on tv 24/7, but still interesting.

Norah Jones: Long, Long, Long. Lotta George songs on this list; a bit like a bunch of dudes picking Khloe Kardashian over Kim &; Kourtney. Oooh, a Kardashian joke! How do I do it?!?!? But seriously, she's hideous; I'd rather fuck George Harrison. And hell, he's been dead for over ten years.

B.B. King: Help! That's a superslice. When I was living in Oxford we went to BB King's restaurant in Memphis, and when I looked at the menu I saw a section titled "Samitches." While I'm sure I'd used that for "sandwiches" in conversation before, I'd never actually seen it in print and got a tremendous kick out of it, repeatedly laughing about it as the pitchers of what I'm sure was crappy Michalob Lite kept coming and coming. Finally the band goes onstage, and the front man shouts out "What d'yall want?" The response was supposed to be "the blues!", but before everyone could shout that I yelled "samitches!", which cracked up the old, fat black ladies a few tables away. "Get that white boy over here!" they yelled, and I spent the next two hours eating and drinking all I could for free, with everything I said totally cracking them up. It was awesome.

John Legend: I Want You (She's So Heavy.) This might be my least favorite Beatle song of all time, so it's official: John Legend is a fucking idiot.

Demi Lovato: Yesterday. I feel bad for Yesterday because it's a great song, but nobody can stand hearing it anymore since it's been played to death by the time you're like three years old. That's right - I don't feel bad for orphans, or kids with cancer,I feel sorry for an astoundingly popular song that was written almost 50 years ago. Also, it  rather ironically offers one of rock's greatest "fuck you" moments, via:

Iris Caldwell remembered an interesting incident in connection with the song. She had broken up with Paul in March 1963 after a silly argument over her dogs and, when he later called up to speak to Iris, her mother told Paul that her daughter didn't want to speak to him because he had no feelings. Two and a half years later, on Sunday August 1, 1965, Paul was scheduled to sing 'Yesterday' on a live television programme, Blackpool Night Out. During that week, he phoned Mrs Caldwell and said: "You know that you said that I had no feelings? Watch the telly on Sunday and then tell me that I've got no feelings."

Zing! Fuck you, Iris! See that tv performance HERE. As for Ms. Lovato, what kind of parents name their kid after the coke-addicted suicidal slut from St. Elmo's Fire? Thanks mom! "Me too, mom!" her brother O.J. added.

Yo-Yo Ma: Michelle. I like that part of it's in French, which I can lord over you and feel good about myself because as you know I'm incredibly well-versed in the language, and that they say the word "tits" over and over; other than that, meh. And who named this fucker, George Costanza? (Any girl who gets that bit wins 7 minutes in heaven with me! Unless you're ugly, but that goes without saying.)

Emily Mortimer: In My Life and Here There, and Everywhere. MAKE A FUCKING DECISION!! Jesus. Also: who the fuck is this person?

Ouch!

There's a George Costanza scene for this (after all, all life is Costanzian) but I'm aboutsta go light up the clubs so fuck it for now.