Snifflaska, Part XXI

Several places, including HERE, seem to enjoy the fact that Sniffy, while bragging about what a hunting veteran and hardscrabble pioneer woman she is, repeatedly misses what seems to be a "hey, please kill me!" shot at a caribou. Personally I don't really care that she missed, but, as usual, it reveals more of her character than if she had dropped the fucker with one shot. Instead of laughing it off "ah, fuck it, I'm not Sniffy Boone for chrissake," she makes her dad and that creepy guy that you know hangs around the family to sniff her hamper go through some extended scenario wherein they check to see if the rifle's sight was off, since that's surely why she missed, and not because she's held a rifle in her hands about as many times as she's held my nuts in her hand. I can't remember whether or not they determined it was the sight's fault, but knowing Sniffitty, some poor fucker from whatever company that rifle was made at who's in charge of the sights got shitcanned from his job today, and came home to find the severed head of a caribou in his bed. I promise you his destruction will come up in some smarmy moment during one of Palin's "speeches" in the future.

Also, she shot at least five times, and the caribou didn't move. Didn't budge. Didn't flinch. Not once. Now, I'm not a big game hunter so I have no idea how this shit works, but I would think that the incredibly loud crack of the rifle might startle an animal into thinking "shit, that sounds bad, I better get the fuck outta here" and not "sounds loud, I should probably stand here atop this hill preening like a fucking asshole." Strange.

Snifflaska, Part XLII

FrumForum watches the greatest tv show ever so you don't have to.

This one catches my eye:

Update at 9:59pm
To wrap up the episode, Palin and Track decide to bond. Palin tries to make conversation and notes that this whole episode was just a regular Palin family 4th of July. (Salmon stew has always been on the menu in the Palin household!) Track doesn’t express agreement, and seems not to have gotten the memo that he is supposed to play along and seem as enthusiastic about the show as his mom is.

I noticed this while watching too, which brings up a more important point: is Palin even dumber than we actrually think?

TLC has basically laid out this tv series to give Sniffy free reign to control how the world sees her and her family, and yet in the editing room she didn't notice that when she made this remark to her son he looked like she had just cut one. Preening oblivion, awkwardly stuffed-in political lines and enabled self-centeredness are one thing, but again we see what should be most glaring about Sniffy: baseline incompetence.

Snifflaska, Cont.

I gotta give those Palin girls some credit. They're fucking crazy as hell.  This time Sniffy takes Bristol out on a commercial halibut fishing boat (you know, just like any other day), and the captain tells Bristol her job: when they pull a halibut up and it's flopping around on the floor of the boat, she has to take her billy club and whack it the head so it'll stop flopping and they can slit it's throat. I don't think it's chauvinistic to suppose that most young women would be repulsed at the mere thought of doing such a thing and would refuse. Hell, I don't think I'd do it.

But Lil Sniffs? Christ, her eyes roll into the back of her head as she orgasms with glee; I'm surprised she didn't dive off the boat and start bashing the motherfuckers under water so she wouldn't hafta wait 60 seconds to get her club on.

The Palin chicks are who we need to send over to, say, North Korea to scare Krazy Jong-il. They can just hang out in his bathroom and scare the shit out of him when he goes in it. 

"So...Mr. Chink...I understand we have a problem?"  (puts her cigarette out on Willow's forehead, who stares at Jong-Il while smacking her palm with a wooden bat; behind Jong-il Piper locks the door.)

These girls are our country's version of Janice fucking Avery.

Snifflaska, Part CLXI

The whole idea that in 2010 we need to think it's very important that potential leaders can shoot things with a rifle is as absurd as it was three years ago when I first mentioned it:

Saw this guy on "60 Minutes" a while back and then again on Charlie Rose last night, and I like him. Has a creepy thing going on, but he seems to be the only guy with a viable idea to nip our dependance on oil in the bud instead of just shrugging his shoulders and shoving billion dollar bills in Exxon's pockets. Tho I guess that would mean Bush and Saudi Arabia would have to break up, c'est la vie. Also is a self-described populist, fierceful in his demands to help "the little guy." And as a hunter knows how to handle a rifle without looking like an idiot, which of course is so important int his country. Why I don't know; can you ever imagine the sentence "okay okay, everybody calm down...the President is on the way, he's gonna shoot the damn thing."

Snifflaska, Part IV

Let me be the first to pat Sniffy Wiffy on the back for having the restraint to hold out on choking up on-camera about her retarded kid. She waited 146 minutes into the season, and I don't know how many takes she needed, but she nailed it.

But isn't it enough with the fucking fish? Christ, another fucking round of pounding and battering on the ol' tuna boat - what the fuck am I watching, The Best of John Holmes? Move the fuck on already - aren't there some moose these people can Indian leg-wrestle?

Snifflaska, Part CLXXI

This week's episode: Kate Gosselin and her million kids go camping with the Palins.

Sniffy spends a lot of time on her show every week claiming she deserves a medal because as THE Mama Grizzly, she'd rather her kids not get eaten by a bear. And so on this week's episode, what does she do? Takes 10 kids and puts them in a situation that they have to get training on what to do if a bear attacks them. Of course. If you love your kids so much, maybe you don't put them in situations in which they need to 1) learn how to shoot a rifle  2) know that the more noise they make, the less likely bears will swarm in and eat them.

Sigh. Fucking christ.

Snifflaska, Cont.

My favorite line from tonight's episode of Sniff Your Enthusiasm is when Sniffy, Todd and Bristol are skeet-shooting, which Lil' Sniffs has never done before. So she's shooting without hitting a single one. Miss, miss, miss. All of a sudden Sniffy shouts out "oooh, close!"

What?

Okay, I get it, she's just trying to be encouraging, help the kid out. Very nice.

Otherwise, are you really fucking telling me that you can see a fucking bullet that's about an inch long and traveling almost 1500mph? Really?  Cause I'll be honest - if that's true, you have my vote. Hell, maybe you fucking CAN see Russia from not only your house, but the fucking White House.


"AND I gotta fucking hula hoop???!!"

Snifflaska, Oh Please Fucking Kill Me Already

Sniffy quote I had forgotten til now:

"A lot of people across America probably think we're nerds because we love camping!"

Actually, no. I don't know any nerds that relish sleeping in the woods in a tent, or holding rifles in both hands like Yosemite Sam, desperately trying to blow the brains out of anything that moves. Nerds tend to read books and, you know, know a lot of things. Nobody has gone more out of their way to show disdain for people who read books and went to nerdy colleges, ie the "elites", more than Sniffzilla, who in actuality loathes "nerds."

I gotta quit watching this fucking show.

Snifflaska, PartXXII

I spent the last 40 minutes or so of last night's episode working myself up into a lather over the absurdity that we're supposed to believe that she's gone hunting with her dad a million times, that she makes trips to the Arctic Circle trio shoot caribou like the rest of us go to the store to buy socks, and yet she mysteriously had no idea whether or not her rifle had a kick. What the fuck?

But Sully nails how we're really supposed to be watching the show anyway, so I'm back to normal breathing.

After a while, the suspension of disbelief kinda works. Which is why this show is so like her political career: you just have to drop all desire to have it make any sense and it's relatively painless. If you relax, it hurts less.

Snifflaska Cont.

If you tried to explain every eyerolling-guffaw of Sniffy's Alaska show you'd need a whole flock of interns, so it's kinda pointless, but this does jump out at me - Todd "Daddy Grizzly"* Palin dropping some hot wisdom re: mingling with bears:

"You're in the bear's territory, so when they approach you close, you wanna get out of his way."

Oh REally?? Thanks Todd - a city slicker like me would probably brush the bear's shoulder walking by and then get up in his face all "oh, HELL no - esCUUUUSE me??!!!"

Ah, Todd: saving lives!

Bonus = is anybody else disappointed when Sniffy tells Willow she can't bring "Andy" up to her room she didn't throw a shit-fit "DAMMIT Mom, I'm not Bristol!!  I'm not a fucking whore!!!!! You hafta trust me, I'm not addicted to cock like her! I'm me, Willow Palin: nice to meetcha!!!" and tear off in a huff?



* "Da Grizz"