Wedding Reception by the Numbers

Number of hours from start of wedding til my best man toast (ie could start drinking): 7
Number of times before speech I was advised to "say something nice about the bride" and "don't work blue"; as if it was assumed I'd recite my thesis on "Why Do Squirrels Fist?" before drop-kicking the mic into the bride's throat: 2,188
Number of big laughs from crowd during speech: 8
Number of big "awwwwwwwww"s from crowd during speech: 2
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced: 1
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced who was present: 1
Number of Bridesmaids I'd marry today if they'd have me: 3
Number of Bridesmaids I'll prolly ever speak to again: 0
Number of times I pretended to have a gout flare-up to get out of dancing: 4
Number of times I remarked "boy, this place, looks like we're on the Titanic": 6
Number of times I followed up with "I'm the king of the world": 2
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet and, upon getting nowhere with this, added that she also looked like Kim Kardashian: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Percentage of speech during which I debated whether or not to pretend to get choked up, melting the ladies' hearts throughout the room and greasing the skids for some post-reception "tenderness": 100
Number of times I choked up: 0
Post-reception tenderness: 0