The Greatest High School Shows of All Time

I have no idea what SUGARSLAM is, but they have a list of The 20 Greatest High School Shows of All Time, so obviously I had some thoughts.

20. PARTY OF FIVE – set the standard for “how much shit can we possibly pile on one family?” Matthew Fox desperately competing with Andrew Shue on Melrose to see who could be forced to say the highest percentage of lines while sitting down due to not being able to act and chew gum at the same time. Also broke the record for over-wrought, shitty, “look at me I’m nervously tugging at the sleeves of my sweater while I take 30 minutes to say 5 words” acting. And...am I dreaming, or did Archie Bunker appear outta nowhere as some uncle or something? WTF?
Mrs. Xmastimes: Lacey Chabert (all grown up now, but I called that shit a decade early!), Jennifer Love Hewitt.

19. The Secret Life of the American Teenager – I have never heard of this show. Which makes me skeptical it’s better than PO5.

18. Fame – gritty. Dirty. Watched every week…can’t remember shit about it, other than loving Leroy. Had the guts to have one if it's centerpiece songs titled "Hot Lunch."
Mrs. Xmastimes: the chick who was the gf of the guy that’s on that awful new show on VH1. Can’t remember her name. But if she’s reading this, would be nice if she became my friend on Fuckbook.

17. Welcome Back, Kotter! – classic, classic classic – how the FUCK is this only #17!!!! Maybe only show where percentage of main characters who were actually funny is 100%. I still use the "He's so dumb he stopped halfway around the track to ask for directions" line.
Mrs. Xmastimes: 0. Sorry.

16. 21 Jump Street – never watched it.

15. Happy Days – how is this so low….an American Institution!! Favorite moments were always Ralph Malph; in particular when he wouldn’t come outta the locker for the rumble in the gym. What can you say about Happy Days? One of thsoe shows that had 400 episodes, and you can't actually remember a single one of 'em. Should have it's own channel.
Mrs. Xmastimes: Maybe Joanie for a brief moment in the end…the Tuscadero chicks. A surprising paucity, must say. Hmm…did I just write my own epitaph? “Here lies Xmastime…a Surprising Paucity.”

14. Growing Pains – never really thought of this as a “high school show” as much as a “really really lame show that I’ve accidentally seen every episode of.” Like Anal Encounters I – CXII. ALMOST worth giving credit too simply cause Alan Thicke wrote the theme song to The Facts of Life. Which, ironically, should be way higher on this list than this shitty show. Bonus points for having a supporting character named after an erection. Points taken off for an actual erection being funnier than that dipshit.
Mrs. Xmastimes: 0. Sorry, Ben. Oh wait, I’m wrong – Kirk Cameron’s actual wife, wasn’t she on the show? Damn. Would eat her bicycle just to sniff the seat. Mighty fine.

13. The OC – how bad did this piece of shit get after about 3 minutes? If you find yourself watching a show where Peter Gallagher is the “funny one,” you might be watching a piece of crap. Main guy of course continued the time-honored tradition of having a brooding tough guy who's 5'5" (see HERE for the Ruth/Gehrig of this bunch.)
Mrs. Xmastimes: many, but my MVPs are Julie Cooper, Mischa Barton’s little sister, and that crazy Taylor chick.

12. Boy Meets World – another show I’ve seen every episode of and spent the entire time thinking “why the fuck am I watching this?” Near the end of it’s run seemed hell-bent on setting new standards for unbelievably corny, schmaltzy moments – the episode with Shawn in the ROTC with Angela’s Army pop should be fired into outer space to warn other planets from trying to become friends with us. How could Kevin Arnold let his little bro on a stupid show like this?
Mrs. Xmastimes: Angela. Topanga when she wasn’t fat.

11. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – I give this show a lot of credit cause 1) Carlton is an all-time awesome sitcom character and 2) it somehow pulled off the obligatory “special” episodes better than most. Also the butler was great. Hard visually tho; was there THAT much neon going on in the early 90's? Jesus christ. How did Richard Simmons not take over the world during that time?
Mrs. Xmastimes: Hillary. Hillary, Hillary Hillary. All-time sitcom top 5. You know a chick is banging hot if you’ve sat all the way through Major Payne just to peep her. AKA “The Jessica Alba in F4 Rule.”

10. The Degrassi Series – I have never watched this show.

9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer - I have never watched this show. Tho SMG is a Mrs. Xmastime. Also, this seems like a good time to bring up where the fuck is Whats Happening?! on this list?

8. Dawson’s Creek – ah, yes…now this steaming pile should be higher than this. The perfect storm of shit high school shows: unrepentingly implausible, cringingly awkward dialogue, and every single conceivable plot line in the history of the world played out within any group of 5 or 6 episodes. Like every date you went on in high school. Awesome.
Mrs. Xmastimes: the teacher Pacey was fucking. Dawson’s mom just cause she was a cheating whore. And whatsherface, Andie? Just to make sure they didn’t miss anything, the writers gave this poor bitch a mother that was crazy, a distant father, and a brother who was the first gay man in America. Oh yeah, and her other brother had died. Awesome! The writers must still be kicking themselves for missing out on giving her a sweet case of ovarian cancer too. Or getting eaten by a bear that is attracted to the scent of her tipped uterus. Sorry, guys.

7. That 70’s Show – blech. An okay show; one of those sitcoms that went on about 5 years longer than you thought. Like major league baseball players, or Condeleeza Rice. The dad was funny.
Mrs. Xmastimes: the slutty sister. Midge.

6. Saved by the Bell – please. The very fact that SBTB even has to share this list with other shitcoms is an insult. No comment.

5. Beverly Hills, 90210 - again. How is this not #1? A show that had at least 3 different “Golden Eras.” Should be preserved in a time capsule if only for giving us Valerie Malone. Proof that, as in real life, if you have at least three friends then the total numbers of times between you all that you get busted for drunk driving, raped, shot at, embroiled in a cocaine-fueled cult, caught in fires and held at gunpoint on live tv should be somewhere in the 700-750 range. And that’s just Kelly Taylor.
Mrs. Xmastimes: too many. Even Mrs. Walsh looked fuckable after a while. Abstaining. And by that I mean I've stained my abs upon issue just thinking of all the T&A in this show. (Insert "well, where my abs would be" joke here.)

4. My So-Called Life: a great show, but way overrated since it died an early death. Like Jim Morrison, or women’s rights. Haven’t seen it in years. Did Ricky and that teacher ever end up together? Maybe training tigers somewhere together, no?
Mrs. Xmastime: had a thing for the mom; always thought she was chewing on every dick in town while completely emasculating her unemployed husband who had the “are my baby-dick nuts in your handbag?” name of “Graham.” Ugh.

3. The Wonder Years – ahhh, yes…love love love this show. The dad is one of my all-time favorite characters. Wayne is up there too, and what young buck wasn’t in love with Winnie Cooper back then? Is it her fault she grew up to be a man? Certainly not. Broke the record for “smoking hot classroom teachers who wear mini-skirts and white lipstick.” Man.
Mrs. Xmastimes: Winnie. The sister. Obviously, every classroom teacher. Took me about 20 years to find out Becky Slater was Winnie Cooper's sister in real life. Looking forward to the eventual "internet leak" of the two of them along with Kevin Arnold and HIS real-life brother starring in Boy Meets Girl/Boy/Girl. Yummy.

2. Freaks and Geeks – I LOVED this show when it was on, but now I feel like it’s way overrated since being co-opted by hipsters who constantly try to out-do each other re: how hard they had it in high school. Yes, we get it, you sucked. Congratulations! Also, resenting it as time goes by for giving us such douchebags as Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan, whose kung-fu grip on “comedy” has squeezed the life out of any hopes of intelligence returning to the genre. Thanks, assholes - I have no doubts that if you put your heads together you can completely ruin internet porn too, the sky's the limit. Jagoffs.
Mrs. Xmastime: the main chick. I guess. Not doing cartwheels about her. But stickable.

1. Friday Night Lights – I love this show, my favorite post-West Wing drama, but I don’t consider this as much a “high school” show as some of the others. For one, it’s lacks a certain silliness a show like that would seem to require. Also, the “kids” are all older than Ian Ziering. I don’t even mean Ian Ziering when 90210 started; I mean Ian Ziering NOW. And Riggins as a character has gone from ridiculous to beyond ridiculous to ridiculous infinity to ridiculous infinity plus 1. But still a great show – the coach is great, Landry’s great, and Buddy Garrity is awesome.
Mrs. Xmastimes: pretty much any female that talks, other than Saracen’s grandma. Fucking BANGin chicks. I guess I go Lyla/Julie/Tyra/Mrs. Taylor. The John/Paul/George/Ringo of chicks who won't give me the time of day cause they, you know...don't really exist. Well, and wouldn't even if they did. Though the jokes on Tyra - does she really think Jell-O wrestling will still be profitable by the time she gets out of the 23rd grade? Bitch!!!