As you may have noticed, my 2008 Presidential campaign never really got off the ground. If you wanna blame the Asians that's on you to do so, not me (although obviously you'd be correct.) I feel like my late start was a major hindrance, so I wanted to let you guys know that not only have I already kicked off my XMASTIME IN 2012 campaign, but I have chosen my closest staff and advisers, so it's even more transparent to you how I plan on governing.
CHIEF OF STAFFMarley
The fact that he is a die-hard Republican will erase any accusations of partisanship. He will be my attack dog, my "bad cop", the "Turk" you don't want coming to see you on final cut day of training camp. Of course most of his attacking will be at me, which, while tuff for me, will be best for the country. In other words: anything I do actually get by him will certainly be AMAZING.
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOROp
His succintness will pare my speeches down to mere minutes, leaving the rest of my allocated time for "riffing." Will keep me on message, talk me down with calm rationale when needed, and assure that another generation of political scientists know the phrase "greasy slice." Good at pretending he's never heard my "shark material" 100 times before, which will come in handy with visiting diplomats.
PRESS SECRETARYThe Gnat
A lawyer, so he knows how to talk for long stretches about nothing, which will come in handy during those days that I'm "locked in" on BH 90210 marathons upstairs in the residence. Smart, funny, will have a nice repartee with the reporters. Like Marley a Republican, so when things go tits up I can act appalled "The Gnat said WHAT? I never said that!!!!" Can confirm my blocked extra point at Lancaster, important for a President's cred.
National Security AdvisorNerdhappy
Bright, cheery guy with a belied seriousness/toughness, was an All-State football player (lacrosse too, but I'm not going to hold that against him - told you, bi-partisan!!.) Bit of a stereophile, which will come handy when I decide to turn my old '78 Ford Fiesta into a woofer. Also, the only person I know of that has ever visited this blog that could (well, MAYbe) wrestle me to the ground.
Personal Aide to the President
Fashion Herald
Hey, just cause I'll be President doesn't mean I'm gonna wanna be giving up my Foot Locker connection. I'm the Commander in Chief, not dead. Also very gullible; will spend most of my first term trying to convince her the Oval Office is always spinning very slowly. NOTE: will not be allowed to wear heels. Unless, of course, something horrible happens and she's in a wheelchair, but I would think that goes without saying.
White House Media Consultant:
GodIHateYourBand
The endless use of his moniker with other countries (GodIHateYourFrenchness, GodIHateYourLazyMexicansSmell) is too good to pass up. I don't know what his duties will be, but he has an "in" at InTouch, so we'll be able to ratchet up my approval ratings among the 11 to 11 & 1/2 year-old girl demographic (aka "The Jonas Pie.")
I have not decided on my running mate, am open to suggestions. Dare I choose THIS GUY? Do I have the guts?
XMASTIME IN 2012!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Marley & Me
Marley hammering me via email (as opposed tom, I guess, perfumed letters) re: me being a complete crybaby faggot because I have no desire to nuke Iran off the face of the Earth at this moment reminds me of my proposed cabinet for my first term in Washington. Now that's a staff!
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13 comments:
Hey fuckball.
I did not email you hammering you for failing to support nuking Iran.
I hammered you for failing to take a position.
You could advocate a military preemption.
You could advocate simply allowing them to become part of the nuclear club.
You could discuss what our position whould be if Israel responds with an attempt at military preemption and our fat is thereafter in the fire.
But you just Sniffy Wiffy, blame the man living in a house in Fairview with a style he's trying to maintain, recycle posts and suck on hoagies.
i believe i was very clear with you re: my position. what we're currently doing seems fine; im not itching to over-react and panic like you want to do. you dont seem to mind Israel or Pakistan having them, and they seem just as "crazy!" to me as Iran. you are being told to "panic!!" about Iran, so you are. again, im more frightened about the TX textbok thing.
if your tiny brain is having trouble because this doesn't fit easily into one of your handy slots here, i dont know what to tell you.
i await a public apology re: your offensive language.
you still complete me.
now dont bother me til Friday Night Lights is over.
If, indeed, you deem the deliverable nuclear projectile as safe in the hands of Iran as in the hands of Israel and Pakistan, than why even support feeble sanctions, which is what we're "clearly doing."
The essence of your argument appears to be "Well, North Korea has it, so thus, any other nation should have it."
So, you disagree with what we're clearly doing, which is, however infirmly, attempting to dissuade Iran.
Which is a generous reading of your position, until you note your fear of Texas teaching that Jefferson was a homo on par with Iran getting a nuclear bomb.
And there, you reveal your near-imbecility.
Luckily, Modern Family is an excellent sitcom.
nice try. using your version of the transitive property, then I was saying we should skip ahead several more steps and simply blow ourselves up. unfortunately for you, when I say "Im fine with what we're doing," I mean "I'm fine with what we're doing" and not "I'm NOT fine with what we're doing." how eassy iot must be to win an argument when you completely make up shit!
Talks, dissuasion, sanctions, Ive told you many times is fine, to which you always call me a fat pussy. panicking into WWIII because Michelle Malkin is telling you that Obama is an appeasing wuss is not fine. And let's be honest, if your hero Dubya didn't cowboy up and try to blow them up, I doubt anyone else will.
I'm sorry your attempt to change my argument like a cartoonist in one of those scenes where a human hand comes out and erases Daffy Duck didnt work. maybe you can try again; claim that I'm trying to say Lincoln shot Kennedy? or we shoot put a dome made of puppies over us to protect us? come on buddy, you can do it!!!!!!!!
Never called you a fat pussy.
Wait. I have.
But not for any prescription you had for Iran.
Enough of your fat-ass caterwauling.
You're running for president.
If Leon Panetta informs President Xmastime that intelligence predicts that in 9 to 18 months, Iran will have a deliverable nuclear missile that will be able to reach Tel Aviv, and you believe him?
What will you do?
No bitching, or blubbering, or Native American cryin' with trash at your feet due to the inherently non-assuredness of intelligence.
No hobgoblins of past insults or Michelle Malkin.
No predictions. No Sniffy Wiffy.
Just pony up. As your chief of staff, my job will be to effect your policy, not make it.
Military action or aquiescence?
as my Chief of Staff, surely youre bright enough to come up with something in between "kicking ass" and "acquiesence." Kennedy didn't "blow Russia off the face of the Earth" or say "camon in, fellas! free Arby's on me! how you like our women??!" he came up with the blockade. i think if I cant make it clear to Iran without waving my tanks around like a cowboy that even if they had the greatest nuke in the world it would not be in their best interests to piss us off, I'd be a shitty president.
Um. Now I know why Leo McGarry had a heart attack.
Had the blockade not worked, Kennedy would have called in an air strike.
If the sanctions don't work, will you call in an air strike?
as brilliantly as the Bush Doctrine has worked, there will be no pre-emptive military strike called by President Xmastime.
re: Leo
too soon, brah.
So, we attack . . . when they have the deliverable capacity?
Hmmmmmmm.
Crafty.
I think you really should just accept it.
we attack if they attack. then, instead of having more countries wanna bomb US, we get to say "wow, are they assholes!" and then fuck them up. let them hang themselves. which, im guessing, they wont.
if thats something you cant handle as my Chief, I suggest you go back to the puppeteering industry. otherwise, go grab me a chicken salad sammy, Frasier's coming on.
"we attack if they attack"
Wow. And I thought I hated the Jews.
i sense a new respect for your boss burgeoning.
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