Thoughts, Barely, by Xmastime

"Awkwardly trying to approach a cab that may be stopping for a red light instead of you" is the new "how the hell do I approach a woman when she walks into a room?"

7) I am terrible at greeting women when they walk into a room. I never know whether to get up and do the ol’ fake-cheek kiss, get up and shake their hands, hug, no idea. So I usually do that thing where I crouch about 8 inches above my chair, hover back and forth for a few seconds, then panic and sit down. Meanwhile every other dude moves effortlessly and glides in graciously doing the right thing. I’m an asshole sitting in my chair; so now I have to pretend to be distracted, like I didn’t see her. I’m almost 34 years old, you’d think I’d know how to greet a lady when she enters a room. Christ. I guess my big fear is I’ll go in for the kiss and all of a sudden she’ll be horrified, and scream that I’m disgusting and embarrass me in front of everyone.