Friday, June 30, 2017

A League of Their Own

25 years ago this weekend I visited my future home of New York City for the first time, and I paid the then OUTRAGEOUS!! sum of $7.25 to watch A League of Their Own. I consider this not only one of my favorite sports movies of all time, but simply one of my favorite movie of all time. And The Ringer agrees:
Directed by Marshall, A League of Their Own is a mostly faithful historical tribute to the overlooked women like the Callaghans, who played professional baseball in the wartime 1940s for the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Its cast is brilliant, featuring a post–Thelma & Louise Geena Davis, a post–Point Break Lori Petty, and Tom Hanks juuuust before he won back-to-back Oscars. It is, in my possibly blinded by love but also correct opinion, one of the best sports movies there is. And it is an honest ode to women and sisters and friendships, with a story that breezes through the Bechdel test by the end of the opening scene.
I for one had no idea there had been a PBS doc in 1987, and will track that shit down.

And while "there's no crying in baseball!" is the film's most iconic moment, I've always thought it's follow-up scene was funnier.


I've mentioned this film a million times, including this from 2009:
1) any scene with that fat shit Stillwell is funny
2) after, like I said, having seen this flick 14,000 times all of a sudden just now it occurred to me that the Western Union Guy was Tom Cavanaugh, who would later be responsible for what is EASILY the dumbest, shittiest show ever made for tv, Love Monkey. Seriously, go to Hulu or whoever has it, buy the dvds, do whatever you hafta do - it's worth sitting through the handful of shows they made before realizing "this might have been a huge mistake" just to show yourself how horrible humanity can be. Side note: looked it up on IMDB. Wasn't him after all. But still, watch Love Monkey. Wow.
3) This is the obligatory "okay, let's get the hot chicks as close to being naked as we can get away with in a Tom Hanks film based in the 1940's" scene. Seriously, one day I'm gonna put together my Rockford Peaches Hot Rankings, but not now because it deserves actual care and thought (AND they all might be topped by Racine's first baseman, future sex-addict David Duchovney's wife TeĆ” Leoni.)
4) Jimmy walks in and announces he was just doing one of my all-time favorite things: reading on the shitter.
5) I've been looking for an opportunity to slap a chick on her ass and call her a "stack of pancakes" for 17 years now. Will keep you posted.
6) This scene gave birth to maybe the greatest "lump-in-throat broken up by something incredibly inappropriate" moment; the Barber and I were watching this and as Betty Spaghetti is completely collapsed in her tears and grief the Barber brays loudly "CONGRATULATIONS Betty, you are SINGLE!!" Wow.
7) Hanks response to Betty, while touching, reminds us that when confronted with a woman who's just been told her husband's dead, the best men can usually come up with is "...alllllllllright...it's okay." Awesome.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Movie Idea du Jour

Movie idea: senior citizen JAWS halfheartedly gnawing on a fat kid, sighing "I'm too old for this shit."

Oh Well


If a completely inexperienced trust fund baby can't broker peace in the Middle East over a weekend then I for one am officially out of ideas.

That Sound You Hear...


...is ISIS shitting themselves.

"Now why the hell didn't I think of that?" - 22 million suddenly embarrassed people.


GLOW Episode 1 Review


There are not enough parallel universes out there for me to believe there's one in which Trudy Campbell has sex with Harry Crane.

DC cab drivers. That's the list.


Dear Pandora:


Nobody has any interest in a solo Beatle's live recording of a Beatles song. Just play the goddam original. Thank you.

We elected Donald Trump president. So their assumption is not ridiculous.


New Project Idea


Create a reality show in which the cast is the OJ jury.

Could Be Worse

Guess we should be happy the headline isn't a super-alarming "BLACK THUG PUNCHING WHITE PERSON!!"

Questions. I Have Them.


If your Uber driver jumps out of the car to get into a fight with some other guy, are you obligated to get out and fight with him? There some sort of allegiance going on there you hafta adhere to? Or can you just sit in the car and be entertained by the whole thing?

Le Sigh.


They survived the Nazis. I suppose they'll survive this.

Hmm.

I wonder how Melania's anti-bullying campaign is coming along.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

50 Years Later

That minute-by-minute breakdown of the world broadcast of All You Need is Love:
0:01 The song began with the orchestra playing "La Marseillaise," the French national anthem. This nod to the global nature of Our World was the best use of non-French use of the song since Casablanca. It also guaranteed that until the end of time, any Olympic medal ceremony where a French athlete wins gold will sound like a Beatles revival.
0:09 The camera panned over to the Beatles, who were surrounded by balloons and flowers. "Love, love, love," they sang. "Love, love, love." The Our World producers' only request of the Beatles' song selection was to "keep it simple so that viewers across the globe will understand." Mission accomplished: The first time Lennon played the song for the other Beatles, at a crawling tempo, Harrison muttered to McCartney, "Well, it's certainly repetitive."

State du Moi


If I corralled the energy I put into asking people about what they're having for lunch I'm pretty sure I could stop global warming.

All In.

How great would playing poker with Trump be?

Trump: "I have great cards, all my cards are great. They're the best cards."
Me: (shoves all my chips to center of table)
Trump: (lays down hand with a high card of 4 of clubs.)
Me: (shovel pile of winnings into chest.)

Numb.


Trump is such a shitshow he's admitted to lying in order to intimidate the FBI director and we can barely work up the energy to give a shit about it. His 11th-level chess is slowly working. When he eventually bans chunky peanut butter we're not even gonna notice.

Ideas. I Have Them.


If Obama wants to save Obamacare the simple solution is for him to casually mention he hates it. Republicans will then pop hamstrings jumping in to keep it as is.

Now This Makes You Happy

A very young Gordon Ramsey with a very young legend Marco Pierre White.


Oh, Nancy


First of all, they don't like being called "broads" anymore - this isn't the 1950's for chrissake!!

There Is a Reason the Internet Exists

And this is that reason.

Def Leppard

As in, time to reassess:
But the band members were no lightweights. In fact, despite their arena-filling sound, they were almost ascetic in their approach to their careers. “Our parents grew up in war-torn England with the Blitz going off trying to kill them and buildings blowing up here and there and they took that value system and instilled it into us,” Collen told Salon in 2015. “The further you get away from that sort of suffering and hard work, the less respect and honor people have in their everyday lives. All the guys in Def Leppard had that same working class background and it was based on those values. Even down to things like not wasting water, because there were rations.”

Perhaps that explains why being perceived as cool wasn’t necessarily on the agenda; being true to themselves, however, always was.
I for one could give a shit about their records but have watched their VH1 movie approximately 9,000 times.

This is a snake with a curiously heightened sense of self-awareness.


"Ten thousand dollars for us, by ourselves. For that, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn - oh shit."


Mariners Museum


He was on the wrong side of history but this is a dude who knew a (non-Cosby, thankfully) way of wearing down a lady for amorous relations.

At the Mariners Museum


Paddy Mac on the atrocities of the Civil War: "with this cannon and a pony keg of Mountain Dew I coulda ended this goddam war in about 20 minutes."

Oh Fuck Fou, Ferret.


State du Moi



Slightly surprised to find out I have Band-Aids in my medicine cabinet; this is by far the most adult moment of my life. ‬

Well...


...if a completely inexperienced trust fund baby can't broker peace in the Middle East over a weekend then I for one am officially out of ideas.

That Sound You Hear...

...is ISIS shitting themselves.

"Now Why the Hell Didn't I Think of That?" - 22 Million Suddenly Embarrassed People.


He ALMOST Makes it All the Way to "Make America Great Again!"

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Happy Birfday Mike!

In honor of one of my childhood friends, let's go back 10 years to the Chinn Dome:
Our basketball home away from home was my friend Michael’s house, "The Chinn Dome." He had a big outdoor light, so we could play there after dark. I had a spot about 18 feet out that I shot from so much it was called “Xmas’ fucking crater," I wouldn’t be surprised if my footprints were still there. Usually we’d play 2 on 2, I must’ve run the only 2-man zone defense in the history of basketball – “you got the left side, I got the right.” Cause like I said before, I ain’t wasting my breath chasing nobody round playing defense for chrissake.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

More Ray Davies

via XMASTIME.

I've loved The Kinks' great Come Dancing ever since it came out 30+ years ago but I never knew this about it:

Davies drew on memories of his older sister going on dates to the local dance hall in ‘Come Dancing,’ which ends with her all grown up and worrying about her own teenage daughters. Real life didn’t turn out so well: Davies’ sister died of a heart attack at age 31 while dancing at a ballroom. Earlier that day, she had given her 13-year-old brother his first guitar. This is Davies’ imagined happy ending.  
Damn.

Kinks - Come Dancing by jpdc11

Happy Birthday!

To the incredible Ray Davies :)

If Trump's Done Nothing Else...


...he's certainly Made America Wanna Be Lawyers Again. #MAWBLA

Irony


The human body is strange thing, and we know this as a fact because my doctor who sent me to an orthopedist today is going to the same one herself tomorrow for knee trouble caused by too much running.

Sad du Jour

My doctor "suggesting" that if I want my knee to recover I need to retire from my career as a Chuck Taylor model.

My Office Gets Me. Xmastime: Great American.


BREAKING: Shooter of Congressman formally accused of being white.


That Look When...

....when Arby's tells you they're out of curly fries.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Friday, June 16, 2017

Flashback Friday with The King of Thrones.


Amazing


Trump repealing the Cubs' WS title under Obama will be something to watch.

State du Moi

Working up the energy to craft my annual "Will someone start an Only Fools and Horses watching club with me please?" Craigslist posting. Sigh. 

2017

Me: Can we at least start with not letting dudes who assault women get their hands on guns so easily?
Republicans: Why do you hate America?

Nom Nom Nom!


Another appropriation by white people that may have a lot of disrespect baked into it (no pun intended but quite pleased with myself once it happened) tho in this particular case, anyone who's eaten great fried chicken may be tempted to look the other way:
Edge, who calls Southern cuisine “food cooked by people who live here, who call this place their own,” argues that its appropriation and gentrification is rooted in a combination of nostalgia and the capitalization of a new respect that swept the South in the 1970s. The ugly response to the Civil Rights movement was replaced with a newer, progressive image — a peanut farmer had just been elected president, and the South was no longer America’s “problem child.”

What, no thoughts and prayers? Dummy!


Yeah, But...


...as soon as Trump's lawyers learn how to spell "President" correctly, this is gonna be one helluva clash of the titans.

Thoughts. I Have Them.


Trump supporters seem perfectly fine having no idea what's in the Trumpcare Bill. What if it includes "participants have to watch all of Rob Lowe's scenes in St. Elmo's Fire every day"? I mean, isn't this something you'd want to know?

Hmm.


I'm starting to think that instead of constantly pointing out what an idiot Trump is, I should waltz in and grab one of these high-paying cushy jobs he apparently gives out to anyone with a pulse.

Inappropriate but funny AF


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I've Got a Feeling

That if these are the clothes you're buying, you probably LOVE shopping. 
 

June 14


 

But in All Seriousness After Today's Attack


Thoughts and prayers to the NRA puppets who will be offering thoughts and prayers all morning.

Gee...


... if only there was a group of people who could enact legislation to make events like these less likely to happen. Oh well.

Gee...


...if only there was a group of people who could enact legislation to make events like these less likely to happen. Oh well.

Could also be guns.


Hmm.


We're gonna need to see the birth certificate on this one.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Jeff Sessions Hearing

To Sessions' credit, this is the longest amount of time a 70 year-old white man from Alabama has been in front of a microphone without suddenly deciding to let everybody know his thoughts on black people.

Friday, June 09, 2017

You know, like locker room talk.



Hey,


it's either sit around reading briefs all day or be the greatest president ever. You can't do both, poindexter.

Solutions. I Have Them.


Trump could solve a lot of problems if he promised that if the Cavs come all the way back to win he'll go away and let LeBron be president.

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Hey, Jackass!


Nobody likes a wiseacre!

Bitch, Please


Can we save the smarminess until we find how he shot this weekend on the links, please?

In Case...


You were born & raised in Virginia and are worried you'd made it though the day without being embarrassed:

OMG du Jour


I was gonna suggest this is more impressive than anything I've done tonight but then I remembered that earlier I dug around to find that the candy Peppermint Patty was around before the Peanuts character, so.

Shew!

My Vietnam draft number was 331, which means I had as much chance of being sent over as I would banging Jane Fonda while turning down a run at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

What's yours?

Memories.


June 6, 1968

RFK has always been my favorite Kennedy. Side note - am I terrible for noticing Ethel is still single? Asking for a friend.

What a Total Fuckwad

JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...