I Guess People Just Don’t Masturbate in Montana

Montana 2020!

I don’t wanna brag about taming Big Sky country with my bare hands but I’m pretty sure a grizzly bear was just in my  bathroom and I could barely give a damn. 

Montana 2020!

My welcome to Yellowstone. Obviously I won’t be leaving the house all week now.

Garfield du Jour

Questions. I Have Them.

Ever get the urge to walk up to somebody's computer and hit "paste"? Just fuck it, see what they're hiding on their clipboard? I mean, maybe it's "Conference room at 3:30," but MAYBE it's "eating your log was fucking awesome, yeah of course bring your cousin tomorrow night too." right? You never know. Command-V, see what's there.

G-Curse

I didn't really know there was a such a thing as the "Guinness Curse". Do you have to be incredibly rich and famous to be part of a curse that anybody gives a shit about? Probably. Anyway, it just tragically happened again.

Of course to me there will always only be one Guinness heir, and he at least had the wherewithal to die his way into one of the greatest songs of all time, so.

I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

 

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords

Toast!

If I've watched my television correctly, and I believe I have, people in British sitcoms eat toast a lot. Which is weird, because I fucking love toast. - XMASTIME

I spend a lot of my time screaming at my television at British sitcom characters who walk up to the breakfast table, grab a cold piece of toast and start eating it without butter, so when it comes to the current national outrage over Nigella Lawson buttering her toast TWICE, I side with Nigella:

The perfect method, Lawson suggests, is not as obvious as you might think: Lawson taught viewers to spread butter on hot toast as soon as it comes out of the toaster, before letting it settle, applying a second layer of butter, and then finishing with a sprinkling of salt.

 

The first helping gives the toast a "fabulous crumpety bite," Lawson explained. "Stage two now -- ready for it?" she asked, bracing viewers for what came next. "I need a little more butter, and it will stay in some golden patches on the surface."

 

Lawson probably did not expect the uproar that would ensue from her highly controversial method, though perhaps she should have -- the UK is, after all, a country that loses its collective marbles when a high street chain launches a vegan sausage roll.

 

"Nigella shows the nation how to butter toast ... 5 minutes I will never get back," one angry viewer wrote on Twitter. 

 

Tabloids including the Mail Online and The Sun breathlessly reported on the mirth of some of Lawson's audience, while The Telegraph added fuel to the fire by submitting the strategy to a number of accomplished chefs -- none of whom backed the double-butter approach.

And while I love Uncle Bryn, I do not subscribe to putting jam (jelly!) on my toast.

Make Gravynnaise Again

It took him four years, and he's coming in just under the wire, but Trump really did make America great again: ladies and gentlemen, there is something called "gravynnaise":

As you may have guessed "Gravynnaise" is a mixture of gravy and mayo, while the Hash Brown Gravy Boat is a specially-shaped hash brown with a bit of a hollow on top to hold an extra amount of gravy inside the burger.

Dear God.

Misery Loves Company, but Feels Terrible About It

 One of my life’s richer ironies was that of all the diseases I could’ve picked up, the one I had was once known as “rich man’s disease”: gout.  Throughout history, kings and the like were the only people wealthy enough to buy enough meat and beer to bring on the gout.  Meanwhile, I was the poorest person I knew.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d bought a piece of meat from the store, and the beer I bought was so cheap I was pretty sure it was just paint mixed with soda water; yet somehow, what little money I did have was just the perfect amount it took to treat myself to shredding pain and searing humiliation.

 

I didn’t want to mention the gout because when you’re my size, people feel they have free reign to show their disgust since you’d obviously gotten it from being a drunken, fat pig.  A skinny guy with the gout was just bad luck, a genetic quirk, and he deserved our deepest sympathies.  A fat guy with it deserved lectures about how destructive living with no self-control was, and his pathetic weakness deserved not empathy, but scorn and judgment. - excerpt from the single greatest book of all time

 

I've always said that the gout is so miserable I wouldn't wish it on Hitler, but now the awful disease appears to be spreading among the masses, even as they're eating healthier:

The rich keep getting richer, but there’s been no corresponding spike in sales of historically gouty luxury foods like veal and foie gras. Red meat consumption in the United States has significantly decreased since the 19th century, and Americans have become more self-conscious about how and what they eat. Some scientists point to the dramatic rise in rates of obesity — from 13.4 percent of adults in 1980 to 42.4 percent in 2017-18 — since excess weight depresses kidney efficiency, and to the likely not unrelated introduction, in 1967, of high-fructose corn syrup, which can cause the body to produce higher levels of uric acid, and its wholesale embrace in the early 1980s by the American food industry and then the world. Once gout was confined largely to Western civilization (with some outliers, like the Mongol ruler Kublai Khan); now its ravages are global.

But of course, it may have been among the masses all along:

For all its historical freight, gout cannot be explained as an indictment of a lifestyle or an era. It’s likely that in those centuries when the disease was hailed as the wages of fortune (and thus a perverse sort of honor), the anguish of the gout-ridden poor was simply ignored or credited to less distinguished causes. Misdiagnosis can still be a problem today: The Brooklyn-based composer Mark Phillips, now 39, experienced his first attack at 30 and suffered without treatment for half a decade because the doctors he saw couldn’t believe that gout would present in someone so young and lean. Friends likewise scoffed, while his agonies mounted; at one point he thought, “I don’t want to live for another 50 years with this pain.” What now holds his symptoms at bay is a daily dose of allopurinol.

I personally thank God every freaking day for the miracle that is allopurinol.

The Crown Gripe

I can't remember exactly where or when I first read the story of Michael Fagan, the legendary Brit who broke into Queen Elizabeth's bedroom and had a harmless chat with her for a while before being caught. I also didn't know anyone else who knew the story, and I clung to it for years before just this past August, when I started breaking it down into what I am hoping to be an amazing script for a comedy film.

SO of course I was miffed when the story popped on the latest series of The Crown, as I'd no longer be able to drop this little bit of knowledge at dinner parties and impress everybody. I guess I should still write the screenplay, especially since there's a better chance of that happening than my being invited to a dinner party.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Sometimes I worry that as a nation, we haven't given Trump enough credit for going the entire campaign without making fun of Joe Biden's middle name.

If You Had to Choose 3, What Would they Be?

1, 6, 12 and it's not even close. And why would they use the Jim Carrey Grinch and not the original, which at least had that funny-ass dog in it?

"...we'll be millionaires!"

Garfield du Jour

One Down, Two to Go

 Peter Sutcliffe, aka "The Yorkshire Ripper", has died in prison:

Peter Sutcliffe, one of the UK's most notorious prisoners, was serving a whole-life term for murdering 13 women across Yorkshire and the North West between 1975 and 1980. He was jailed in 1981 and spent several years at Broadmoor Hospital where he was treated for paranoid schizophrenia, before he was transferred to HMP Frankland in County Durham in 2016. A Prison Service spokesman confirmed on Friday that Sutcliffe had died at University Hospital of North Durham, three miles from where he was an inmate. He had contracted COVID-19 but is understood to have refused treatment for the virus.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “why do you care about this dude?"

Thanks for asking, faithful readers!  Unlike you American rubes I'm a master of British television, which means that I know that the characters of Dawn and Pete Sutcliffe from the all-time classic series Gavin and Stacey were named after the serial killer. Both of the titular characters, Gavin Shipman and Stacey West, were also named after serial killers - something the families of the victims of the serial killers were not too pleased about.

Now enjoy some classic Dawn & Pete below!

Do You Remember?

Fantastic short video HERE about Husker Du's quest in their beginning to be the world's fastest hardcore band, only to find out in the end that what truly made them great was leaning into a perfect mix of velocity and melody. As you fans already know, I give a lot of credit to Grant Hart, one of my all-time favorites. A must-watch for Husker fans.

As a side note, one great thing to point out is that this series about Minneapolis hardcore was produced by PBS. People have this idea that PBS is all about old ladies watching birds or some shit, but here they are with a series about hardcore punk music. If you dig into various cities' local stations, the variety of programming is staggering. I'll poke around my local station and will generally become too overwhelmed to pick anything, as there's usually just so much. Here's a sample of what I loved about PBS back in 1995! :)

Happy Birfday!

To my amazing goddaughter, who turned 9 today. I haven’t seen her since March, so here’s a picture of us at Easter brunch several years ago. I had the cheddar cheese omelette and a Bloody Mary, she had a plate of syrup.

Another Post-Election Thought.

I worry that as a nation, we haven't given Trump enough credit for going the entire campaign without making fun of Joe Biden's middle name.

Post Election

Now that Trump is gone I don’t wanna see Republicans having crises of conscience, claiming their distance from him. For 4 years they were complicit in his racism and corruption; suddenly becoming “brave” after his removal from power doesn’t earn them a chapter in Profiles in Courage. He may be gone but they remain, and it is truly terrifying to imagine what human piece of garbage they will come up with in 2024 that will make Trump seem quaint.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

 

Peanuts has been hugely popular for 60 years and yet I've never even heard of, much less met, anyone else called Linus. Interesting.

RIP Geoffrey Palmer

British sitcom legend Geoffrey Palmer has just died at age 93. Best known for As Time Goes By, as a fan of Britcoms I can safely say its always felt that he was pretty much in every British sitcom there was. He was in the finale of Blackadder, for chrissake. One of his most famous turns was a cameo in Fawlty Towers. Goodbye to a true British national treasure.

Wishing a happy 92nd Birthday to the ever talented Geoffrey Palmer who wonderfully played Dr. Price in “The Kipper and the Corpse” episode of Fawlty Towers. #ClassicBritishComedy 🇬🇧 pic.twitter.com/LSBGT5FF6c

— FAWLTY TOWERS (@FAWLTYTOWERS_) June 4, 2019

Sigh.

Only in America can we spend the entire week after an election wondering if the guy who got 4 million more votes has won.

Ah Yes, Simpler Times

 🤣

 

Me & Scooter

As you superfans know, for the last 8 months my office mate has been Brothatime!!'s dog, Scooter. Today was my first full day back at my apartment in DC and I miss him like crazy, so I thought I'd share a short video I made of the two of us before I left. Enjoy!

Let’s Eat!

I guess a new feature of the newest iPhone update is curating videos; this just popped up for me and it is, dare I say, tasty af. 

Today’s Paris Trip Memory

Today's Deep Thoughts.

Sometimes I worry that as a nation we haven't spent enough time marveling at how much Ray Davies and Paul Westerberg look like each other. 

 

Election Lunacy

Ummm...I feel like it should've been relatively easy to find a photo of Kanye West, no? 🤔

Only Fools and Horses: Boycie Edition

John Challis had made his debut as Boycie in the debut season's Go West Young Man episode, but the first episode in which the plot revolved around him somewhat was Series 2's A Losing Streak, which aired 38 years ago today on November 4, 1982. Here's a nice compendium of the episode, along with the ending which is always considered one of the top OFAH moments of all time. Enjoy! :)

Official Election Post Since Nobody Asked or Cares

No matter who wins, I don't wanna see a single fucking reporter going around whining about nobody asking what "real" "hard-working" Americans want. After four years of watching the daily Trump show they themselves created, 70M of them revealed exactly what they want: racism, incompetence, corruption and crippling economic disparity paired with a constant thin-skinned whining of grievances. So don't even start with this stroking their tender feelings, "Are you alright?" bullshit at random diners in "the heartland"; whatever hell they drag us through from here on out, any mystery about these people is officially over.

Funky Town, Indeed

As you incredible loyal fans remember, Funky Winkerbean made the Top 5 of my Favorite Comic Strips I Read Religiouisly Every Morning as A Kid list from 2009. So I am nothing less than absolutely thrilled that longtime Xmastime buddies Marah made it into a Funky Winkerbean strip today! Wow! :)

Now THIS Was Funny

People, it’s been an honor serving with you. But I have my own journey to take now. Godspeed. pic.twitter.com/WinQBhnYoz

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) November 5, 2019

Xmastime #OTD2016

 I 100% still stand by this statement.

Life and How to Live It

I have spent way too much time thinking about a Nutty Buddy bar I had the other day, the first I've had in decades, and wondering if I'm dreaming or is it possible they're even better than I remember from my youth. Hmm. 🤔

State du Moi

And yet I am single. Does nothing make any sense in this cold, cruel world? #onlyfoolsandhorses 

One Election Day Thought

The media (you know, that one that “hates” Trump and is “out to get him!”) needs to knock it off with enabling this “if its not a historical blowout by Biden then Trump will declare himself the winner” shit. I don’t remember any talk about Tom Brady declaring a Super Bowl victory in the third quarter because he was only down by a touchdown. Just more bullshit from the media. 😡

Skins

I'm not sure how I fell into watching a series of British high schoolers whose youth experience was VERY different from my own a few years ago, but the first two generations of it were fantastic, and the first one in particular is fucking iconic. Now it's back on Hulu, so I'll be re-binging over the next few weeks. Here's some Sid & Cassie moments – enjoy!

Hell Yeah Matt Berry!

As someone who has loved Matt Berry since watching him on The I.T. Crowd, Toast of London and What We Do in the Shadows, I can 100% for sure confirm that I support this endeavor:

We’re confident that a performance by Matt Berry would spruce up all sorts of film and TV stories, big and small. 

So a few times a month, we’ll be using this space to propose new, occasionally out-of-the-box opportunities or roles for Mr. Berry. We are confident that should he ever find this column, he will find it both confusing and mortifying. 

 

State du Moi

My doctor will be quite pleased to find that I had my seat warmer up full blast on the ride to my colonoscopy just now. 🤗🕺

Paris On This Day in 2015

 A few memories from 5 years ago today in Paris :)