Happy Cheeseburger Day

Apparently today is National Cheeseburger Day, and Xmastime fans  couldn't give two shits what I think about this  have flooded my inbox that'swhatshesaid asking for my thoughts, so HERE'S THE LINK to my post about the different types of burgers.  And yes, I also think it's odd that Obama brought up his millionaire tax bill today, and he calls it The Buffet Bill, after Jimmy Cheeseburger in Paradise Buffett.  Nice!I will now list my five favorite lines from this post  even though nobody gives a shit and are sorry they started reading this post in the first place:

1) Megaburgers: Like my college girlfriend: uneatable.
2) Extreme Burgers: Like the Republican party, these always seem like an exercise in stupidity done by people who have way too much money. Tho if one of those grilled cheese-as-buns joints fell into my lap, I think I would enjoy it. Thumbs down on any burger involving a glazed donut; I do not need to be looking at Rosie O'Donnell's face when I'm trying to eat a gotdam cheeseburger.
3) Steamed Burgers: I do not want my cheeseburger to be such a fucking mystery that it has to be an "acquired taste." Living with the bitter disappointment of complete failure and having no hope, that's an acquired taste. A burger should not be.
4) Butter Burgers: Now THIS is more like it!! This is a burger I could fucking get into (not a burger I could get into fucking.) Also, the owner of Solly's Grille in Milwaukee presumably naming the restaurant as a joke re: how Pat Morita from Arnold's would apologize to his girlfriend = priceless.
5) Deep-fried Burgers: Just like the female orgasm or black people that can swim, when I first heard of this I thought "if this actually existed, wouldn't it be EVERYwhere?" In theory it sounds amazing, but why are these hard to find? There's burgers everywhere. There's deep-fried food everywhere. Why don't they just make the fucking airplane outta the deep-fried burger then? Weird.

Also, here's my post about The 16 Pearls of Wisdom.  Wht's that, you ask? Why yes, of COURSE I'll pat myself on the back with some faves!!  No, thank YOU!!!!

1) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek. I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means "addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef." Not sexy, brah.
2) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the. But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time I'll switch the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at the DQ once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting? Yes? No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian sidekick?
3) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be thinking about.
4) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
5) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I didn't know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers. Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.