State du Moi

Word I will never, ever spell correctly the first time: inaugural.

"They Were Just Boys!"

A school cafeteria in Tennessee apparently served 6 year-old pork. The best part?

He was also apparently told by a cook at Cherokee High School that “the meat was bad,” but that cook was allegedly “told by the manager to cover it with gravy to give it a better taste.”

Of course, we've seen this before:

At First Glance...

...we see you, Tex!

Obama's In!

Hey, we have one you might like! http://t.co/sgvipKSNcG @csmonitor.com Obama promotes reading through e-books http://t.co/BcqWQizl1d

— Williamsburg Rats (@willburgrats) April 30, 2015

Dear Yahoo Sports,

It’s fucking April 30. You’ve had a month and you’re still using photos of guys wearing hats from their old teams? Wtf?

I remain,
Xmastime

It's Getting Worse

As I beautifully explained HERE 5 years ago, Facebook completely made my one and only talent, remembering people's birthdays, obsolete:

One more reason to fucking hate Facebook is that it's taken away the one thing I had over everybody else: remembering birthdays. This used to be the only discernible skill I had; nothing was more satisfying than when that look of "oh, shit!" would come across their face when I'd innocently ask "oh, how was so & so when you called to say happy birthday...yesterday?" Knowing that I had, and they hadn't. I would do a jedi mind-trick"zing!" at them, smug in knowing that in the great contest of life I had inched slightly forward in the eyes of whomever birthday it had been. If I was really flying high I'd bring it up to the birthday person the next day "Hey, so what'd so & so say when they called?...WHAT (fake shock) they didn't CALL? REEEEally? On your BIRTHDAY??!?!!?" Oh I was so fucking good that if was feeling particularly on top of my game I would simultaneously fan the flames of outrage at the oversight as well as pretend to magnanimously cover for the person. "I can't believe they didn't call...tho surely, I'm certain they had a good reason...actually I think maybe they (present see-through, weak excuse here)..." Checkmate would be "oh, don't cover for them, Xmastmime! They're a shitty friend, unlike you...you expect the best in people too much." I'd weakly mumble something in faux "aw-shucks" mode while chuckling to myself.
I was a genius at this. The Best, they called me. And now it's all gone. Thanks to Facebook, with it's fucking Happy Birthday reminders. Fucking hell. I hate you, Facebook. Now I got nothing left.  

And now just this month I've forgotten not one but TWO birthdays. Wtf. I feel like Willie Mays, stumbling around Shea Stadium at the end of his hallowed career. Grrr.

The Onion du Jour

Dying.

Questions. I Have Them.

How can you make a movie based on a book by Tom Hardy and not have Tom Hardy in it?!?!?!!

Find du Jour

Apparently there's a section of a park near me in which dogs vie with each other for frisbees thrown in the air; it is, if I may say so, intoxicating to watch.

Ouch du Jour

Dear People on Facebook:

It’s difficult to take your thoughts on race seriously if your profile picture is of yourself in a Confederate re-enactment uniform. #justsaying

Sincerely,
Xmastime

My Day!

Today is the 4-year anniversary of The Royal Wedding, ie the single greatest day of my pathetic life, so of course I'm watching the rerun on TLC right now. Somewhere out there my high school football coach is reading this, shaking his head "I knew it."

Since I'm feeling generous with you people, here's some Xmastime gems from that day (bold denotes post title if applicable):
 __________________________________________________________

- On one hand, I'm miffed he's stealing my future wife. On the other, his getting married takes him off the market, therein removing my competition and returning me to my rightful place as The World's Most Eligible Bachelor. Thanks, King Dickhead!

- I look forward to the first time someone points out to me that I wasn't invited to the Royal Wedding, just so I can put on a self-knowing smile and look wistfully off into the distance before saying "oh, friend...wasn't I?" and then walk away chuckling to myself.

-  Bride's Headlights On When She  Gets Out of the Car At Westminster Abbey?

- Someone Cutting Onions in Here?
I admit it - the big overhead shot of her at the end of her walk down the aisle got me a little bit.  A little too How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria, wasn't it?  HEY - I'M NOT A ROBOT!!!

 

- William Arthur Phillip Louis

That "Louis" (pronounced "Lew-ee") sounds pretty jarring within that name, no?  Like Lord Mountbatten Von Frankie the Rat, no? 

- Kanye West being invited to the wedding and then not breaking in on Kate's brother's Bible reading with "Yo, Jimmy, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the Bible reading at Albert and Victoria's wedding was the best of all time!" means the British aren't really as funny as we thought, doesn't it?

- There are apparently more black people at the Royal Wedding than at a Springsteen concert.

-  Has Trump demanded the bride show her virgin papers yet?

- God Save the Queen

At this moment, you KNOW there's about 100 million people across America thinking "you're damn RIGHT you better sing America the Beautiful, queers!"

- During Reading, the Bride's Brother Mentions His Album Drops Next Tuesday on iTunes? 

- Ill be honest: I'll be disappointed if "going into that most cherished, unaccessible part of Westminster Abbey to sign the wedding registry" is not a euphemism.  Can't they come out with their clothes disheveled? Camon.  Hell, I might use it myself; it's much classier than when I say I'm about to "polish off a tube of Pringles, heh heh heh."

- England flawlessly pulls off the Wedding of the Century while we're egging on a guy with the worst comb-over in the world to careen around the world "wondering" if our President is American or smart enough to go to college without white charity.  Of course.

- Sooooo...Who's Gonna Tell Him?

 

- "Harry Just Cut One!"

- "How YOU Doin'?"

- "Another New Pair of Diamond Earrings? Really?"

 

- "White? Oh, HELL No!"

 

- "Oh, Shit...Harry IS the Handsome One..."

- Ah Yes: The Single Greatest "Pull My Finger" in History

-  Is There NOTHING McDonald's Can't Get Their Mitts On?

 

- Life makes no sense. I work at a celebrity magazine.  No move from any A to F-list celebrity goes unnoticed.  There's also an entire style section.  Most of the staff is women, and I'm maybe the only straight guy there.  And yet from what I can gather, I am the only person in the office who got up at 5:30am to watch the Royal Wedding.  Wtf? 

- "I guess Xmastime isn't gonna come and save me from this after all. Damn you, free pizza day at the office!"

 

- "Weeeeell...I see the Archbishop is rather pleased to see me..."

- Another person smarter than me wants to point out the silliness of our coverage of the Royal Wedding:

As you read this, the big three morning shows -- "Good Morning America," "Today" and "The CBS Morning News" -- are continuing to re-hash, analyze and replay the ceremony on tape while going live to various correspondents and experts in England and elsewhere. The morning shows usually run two hours -- more if an affiliate takes their built-in spillover, but for the sake of argument let's just say they did two hours' worth, and add that to the overnight coverage, which ran four hours, bringing the total to six. And then let's ask ourselves this question: When's the last time the top guns of the American electronic media covered an event, any event, for six hours straight without any significant interruption, at any hour of the day or night?

I'd say the answer to that is several days up to and including two days ago, when the media shut down to follow Donald Trump around and report and analyze and re-report and re-analyze everything that came out of his mouth, which was probably only until Charlie Sheen decided to start talking again anyway.  Covering the Royal Wedding makes our media look like The Algonquin Round Table compared to how it usually looks.

- Now everybody in the office is watching the re-run, so I'm enjoying being the only one who's already seen it, smugly pointing out "oh, I remember this!" and emitting that "I dunno, things might fall apart here..." high-pitched hum at various intervals.

Hey, I have so few victories in this life, I gotta savor the flavor when I get one, playahs.

- Xmastime, For the Spare.

- I'm so depressed this wedding is over. I've been to weddings of people I've loved, and not thought twice about them afterwards.

Anyway, I'm glad I saw it happen live. All the incredible stories of Americans over there, the camaraderie et al on the streets of London, make me feel like I was a small part of it, even if only thousands of miles away via television.

- I was surprised that they included the "if anyone objects, say so now or forever hold their peace" bit in such a wedding.  I mean, that's a pretty big matzah ball to leave out there, no?

- "The Beckhams are Here? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

- It's very easy for me to imagine why we're all so wrapped up in this wedding.  In our earliest days of childhood, we're told wondrous stories of kings and queens and princes and princesses, stories either of history or fairy tales.  The fairy tales were as real as the Disney characters we so closely followed at the same age, so when we get a chance to witness actual royalty doing historic, royal things that we forget exists in a modern world, it's exciting - it's as close a connection to those kings and queens of our imaginations as we could ever possibly come in real life.  And in today's day and age, with this couple in particular, it's easy for us to watch such a ceremony handed down through thousands of years of stoic, British tradition and know that there will also be a night a year from now during which these two people will be laughing at The Hangover 2 while dusting off a bag of Cheetos.

More importantly, there is a generational touchstone to such an event that will be remembered for years and years to come - I remember getting up at 4am to watch Charles and Diana's wedding, and here I am watching his son do the same thirty years later, at what turns out to be almost exactly the same age as my own father was (him that day 38 years, 7 months, and 17 days, me today at 38 years, 9 months, and 15 days.)  Throw in the world's collective memory of "I watched this boy grow up, from being born to his mother's funeral and now this morning," and it's easy to get caught up in things.  It's also why we'll probably pay attention to Harry's wedding more than we cared about Charles' brothers' weddings - when children lose their mother, their community always feels possessive and wants to help protect them.  I've been there, maybe that's why I'm so connected to these boys; meanwhile, their community just happens to be most of the planet.

Of COURSE the whole thing is kind of silly in and of itself, and NO it's not going to change your life, but if one moment can encapsulate everything in this post then that's a pretty good moment, and moments like that can add up to make us happier than we'd otherwise be.

Most days are forgettable at best, willfully forgettable at worst.  This was not one of them.

-  "The Gorton's Fisherman, Gee, We've NEVER Heard That One Before, you Fucking Twat!"

 

- My favorite h8rs are the guys that claim watching the wedding is gay because it's people that will never know or give two shits about us, and then put on their $200 "authentic!" Giants jersey to scream their heads off for Eli Manning every week. Interesting.

- Why are wedding vows exchanged in the beginning of the ceremony?  I mean, after five minutes, they were offically married.  Then we had to sit around for another 55 minutes.  Isn't the exchange of vows the climax?  I don't start out a session of lovemaking by jizzing on a girl's tits, and THEN spend an hour slowly dripping vodka into her water drop by drop, do I?  What the hell?

Also, isn't part of the fun secretly hoping that the second before the "I do", someone will freak out and not do it?  Wouldn't it be good to at least have that to look forward to during the ceremony?  Get that out of the way so quickly, and you're basically just sitting around in a suit listening to crappy songs that nobody really cares about.

Well,

This sucks.

Kobe Bryant

I’m watching the Kobe Bryant Showtime documentary Kobe Bryant’s Muse right now. My curiosity is piqued because not only is Kobe a hyper-intelligent, self-aware guy who I listen to if talking, but he’s the real descendant to Bird/Magic/MJ when it comes to being a cold-blooded killer at the end of the game. Even as a Celtics fan, I admitted this a few years ago re: him vs. Lebron.

A few thoughts on the documentary:

This thing is duller than shit.

There's no tragedy or mountain for Kobe to climb to become who he is. No rival. No rags to riches story. We always forget, but his father was an NBA player. Under dramatic doc-styled overtones, we learn a few things about Kobe as a kid.

Basketball was his obsession! OMG gee, that makes him like EVERY OTHER GREAT NBA PLAYER EVER.

And then of course there’s

Basketball was his salvation!  OMG gee, that makes him like EVERY OTHER GREAT NBA PLAYER EVER.

The doc is centered around his defiant "fuck you!" comeback from an Achilles heel injury…during his 18th season. As in, nobody cares.  Wanna show us you can do it? Okay, great (and he did). But who cares?

This is just another in a long line of athletes who have created windmills for themselves to some story that doesn't exist (calling Agent Zero). Kobe Bryant is a great basketball player. One of the best of all time. I'm sorry his story is nowhere as near as compelling as, say, Bird/Magic, but it isn't. He's no more exciting a character than Tim Duncan. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Moooooooore Good News for Tom

In case you were worried Tom Brady had gone more than 45 seconds without some good news...


(Previous Xmastime TB HERE)

Beatles WTF du Jour

48 years ago today The Beatles recorded the haunting classic Eleanor Rigby:

With a double string quartet arrangement by George Martin, and striking lyrics about loneliness, the song continued the transformation of the group from a mainly pop-oriented act to a more experimental studio-based band. "Eleanor Rigby" broke sharply with popular music conventions both musically and lyrically. Richie Unterberger of Allmusic cites the band's "singing about the neglected concerns and fates of the elderly" on the song as "just one example of why the Beatles' appeal reached so far beyond the traditional rock audience."

 But the bigger point is this:

Please note the text from Wikipedia is imported without editing or authentication.

Wikipedia? What the fuck? You’re The Beatles – you can’t pay someone to write the shit yourselves? Entire libraries have been written on The Beatles – I know, I’ve read them all – and they’re notorious for being extremely controlling about their stuff. Yet on their own official website they just say “oh, fuck it, just Wiki that shit.”

A-Rod, Cont.

I've noted a few times the Yankees front office fighting A-Rod on his home run #660 milestone. They are not pleased. You know who are? Actual Yankees:

The Yankees front office might have a contractual score to settle, but the Yankees players and coaches seem to have fully embraced No. 13 in his pursuit of No. 660. I can’t assume that everyone in that clubhouse is willing to overlook his past mistakes, but the vibe around Rodriguez is far more positive than negative these days. One player who’s not particularly close to Rodriguez told me just the other day that Rodriguez has been a terrific presence in the clubhouse ever since he returned in spring training.

The front office might want to ignore the upcoming milestone, but it seems the players want to celebrate it.

“One of the greatest parts of my day is listening to those guys laughing,” Joe Girardi said. “I’m in my office, and the food room’s about a block away, and I can hear them. And a lot of times it’s the people around Alex, whether they’re laughing with him or at him, or however it might be. They’re having fun down there, and I think that’s important in our game, when you do this every day, that you really enjoy it. And he’s a big reason that happens.”

State du Moi

I am displeased with my current loofah situation.

Shew!

Got my bloodwork results back today and while I’m grateful, the fact that everything is normal with only slightly elevated cholesterol means nothing in this world makes any gotdam sense.

If The Article's About Telling America Co-eds Living Together Is No Big Deal...

...should the guy look like he's forcing her to touch his dick? Wtf?

VIA.http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/mad-men-week-4-westward-no/

A Fraud

First date starter home   A-Rod is now one home run away from tying Willie Mays on the all-time list, and the Yankees are kicking and screaming tog et out of paying him the $6M they agreed to pay him for doing so. I believe I’ve stated before they should just shut the fuck up and quietly pay it – what the fuck is $6M to them? – but their not doing so has, incredibly, turned A-Rod into a sympathetic character in this drama. As far as we know, they’re going to do nothing to commemorate the moment, but via the Deadspin comments section we see an interesting take:

What if he hits 660 or 661 in Boston and the Red Sox put up something like “Congratulations on passing Willie Mays on the all-time HR list! What a MILESTONE!” That’d be an awesome troll move.

Ha!

Endings

Interesting note HERE re: Mad Men mirroring the Mary Tyler Moore finale (one of the best ever), ie Lou Avery being Ted Baxter in his being the only one to get exactly what he wants. 

Hockey Finally Being Useful

Pop Quiz

Which one of these shopping baskets is mine?

Williamsburg Rats

the first of many, many, MANY reviews are in!

YES!

Inevitable and fantastic.

Sorry Barry

Via HERE. I'm a little queasy putting Bonds in there, but the other 3 seem like no-brainers to me. And it's not like Ricky wasn't a fantastic, unique player anyways.

State du Moi

I just ate an entire sleeve of saltines.  #trueconfessions

Funny, Insightful

Umpz

Michael Kay and Paul O'Neill just asked Jon Flaherty about his relationship with umpires back when he was a catcher, which I wondered about years ago:

No matter how many decades I may be a fan of baseball, every once in a while I'm shocked to be reminded of the intimacy between an umpire and catcher. Nine innings, literally hovering over the catchers shoulder, game after game, all season long. A subtle flow of communication played out over the months. How has no one turned this into a sitcom or movie? 

How has there not been a documentary of this??!!

State du Moi

Bugs have been committing suicide by flying into my mouth at a drastic rate this week. Ugh.

Bull!

During the Yankees game just now, Paul O'Neill mentioned the ol' Bull in the Ring!

(the below was first posted in 2012)

I can't wait til I'm old enough to insert "and" into the middle of years. Young people can't pull this off, can they? Only old people. I want the neighborhood kids running up on the porch asking me to tell stories of the "glory days."

"When did you start playing football, Mr. Xmas?"
"Boy, my first year on varsity was way back in Nineteen hundred and eighty-seven. That was right before the bull-in-the-ring drill was outlawed, fucking pussies. Now get me a gotdam beer and get the hell outta here!" - XMASTIME

I got a kick out of TNC name-dropping the bull in the ring drill HERE while pointing out new safety measures in Pee-Wee football vis-a-vis less practice time involving full contact. I previously wrote my thoughts on football at that age/size/speed HERE. Personally, I don't think reducing contact in practice really will do much good, since  1. that's less time learning how to tackle properly  2. once the game starts you just pin your ears back and hit the hell outta fuckers any which way you can anyways. But hey, what the hell do I know, all I ever did was single-handedly keep up to within 42 points of Lancaster with my extra-point blocking heroics, so why should anyone listen to lil' ol me?

Official Announcement

I think I have a favorite van Gogh painting. The Night Café.

For Fuck's Sake du Jour

A coupla years ago I bitched and moaned about how much of a fucking event the NFL had turned the draft into. And now they've done the same thing...WITH RELEASING THE GODDAM SCHEDULES!!!  A 3-hour fucking turd rolling out the schedules? Really?

People really are idiots. Christ.

A-Rod Hitz

A-Rod is only 49 hits from 3,000. I'm not picking up on the same excitement/ceremony via the Yankees as they did with Jeter. Hmm.

"What'd I do, Jeet?"

NYC vs. Paris

The Cage Match!

No mention of "Yankees vs. Oh that's right you don't play baseball cuz you're not America!" however.

Mania, Indeed

Apparently there's a cottage industry devoted to convincing people that The Beatles were not four people, but a machine of hundreds:

It’s true that the Beatles maintained a rapacious schedule of touring and recording. Their discography shows a staggering 27 studio albums released in a period of 8 years. Granted, these weren’t 27 separate album sessions—these songs were often recycled into different packages for different countries. But even today, that’s remarkable output. I think even Gucci Mane would admire it. 

So could it be that the Beatles—meaning the amalgam of managers, record executives, producers, engineers and the Multiple Beatles—required body doubles? It would sure help with hellish schedules—not to mention safety.

Yankee Sanity

Dimaggio was a douchebag, so I could give a fuck what the old-timers say about him. But I could listen to dudes talk about Mickey all day. - XMASTIME

In their Mount Rushmore for the Yankees, this guy gets it right:

If you're going to vote for Derek Jeter, who's fifth on the Yankees' all-time WAR list, he should replace DiMaggio. The other three are untouchable, regardless of what ESPN's voices would have you believe, as they debated whether Jeter or Mantle should be No. 4. It's DiMaggio who is replaceable, not Mantle.

Correct!

Runaway Trains

Fascinating piece here on how some folks are determined to bury Amtrak despite it's resurgence in popularity (as well as the many benefits it carries over everyone driving):

The recurring ambivalence in Washington about Amtrak's right to exist has mostly precluded the government from drafting a plan to dramatically improve train travel. For a brief moment in 2009, however, that seemed to change. President Obama, who would promise to link 80 percent of the country to high-speed trains, used his stimulus legislation to award more than $8 billion to the cause, nearly $7 billion of which would go to California, Florida, Wisconsin, and Ohio for what were billed as bullet-train proposals. (Congress tacked on $2.1 billion more in subsequent years for high-speed rail.)

But by early 2011, it was all falling apart. Two new tea-party-backed governors in Wisconsin and Florida, Scott Walker and Rick Scott, promptly gave back the money. Ohio's new Republican governor, John Kasich, did the same.

Those Text Reviews are Flying In Now!

Ooooooooh yeah! 

Said du Jour

"Lemme tell you a little-known fact about Martin Luther Gaye...wait, I mean Marvin Gaye..." - Me

Questions. I Have Them.

What the fuck did we do before one-wipe Charlies?

Mad Men Thought du Jour

If Pete & Peggy's kid comes walking in on one of the remaining 3 episodes I'm gonna pitch a gotdam fit.

My Friday Night

So the other night after walking for an hour (yes, this makes me better than you) I came home to find a guy passed out on my steps. He didn’t look particularly homeless – hell, he was better dressed than me (Burberry scarf!) I woulda just walked over him but he was blocking my door. This had never happened to me, so I was unsure what to do. I tried shouting at him to wake up a few times, but he didn’t move. I looked around for a stick to poke him, but found none. And didn’t really wanna be the guy that pokes drunk guys with sticks. So I thought hey, I’ll call the police. Then it occurred to me I had no idea how to do that. I mean, it didn’t warrant a 911 call. He wasn’t breaking into my apartment, and he wasn’t threatening me. How do you even call the police? What the hell’s their regular, non-911 number? Plus, I didn’t wanna be the guy that set off a chain of events that led to some fat white cop plugging 30 rounds into a black guy for no reason.

Finally he heard me shouting and woke up. He staggered to stand up, and stared right into my eyes.

“Cool scarf,” I motioned.

He walked away, oblivious to my shouts that he’d forgotten his beer.

A Few Thoughts on Last Night's Mad Men

- Why are we bringing in old retreads (Glen Bishop) and new characters (the guy banging Joan)? With three episodes left, are we really supposed to give a shit about these people?

- Basically, we’re just looking at a coupla rich guys (and gal) who are sitting on piles of money with no real incentive to do anything. What great work is Don doing? None. So who cares?

- A clichéd Mrs. Robinson plotline? WITH a "gee, I'm going off to Vietnam..." bit? Really? Can Matthew Weiner show LESS imagination?

- So Mathis got fired. But surely I’m not the only one who had always wondered how he worked there in the first place? He and the other guy always seemed like worthless slugs who couldn’t write themselves out of Don’s bottle of rye. So why were they even hired as the genius Don Draper’s copywriters? How’d they last as long as they did? That’s what was great about Ginsberg – you felt that he was Don’s natural genius successor.

- Mostly, I have a sinking feeling that the series should’ve ended on the high note of saving the firm/winning Burger Chef/landing on the moon/Bert Cooper dying.

A Thought on Scott Walker

You don’t get to campaign on being a “regular guy” if your record shows that your main priority is completely ruining the lives of “regular guys.”

But then, this is the stupid shit people fall for, so. “He’s just like me! Here’s my house, take it please!”

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Wtf Mad Men. I'm officially putting the odds of us seeing Don's dead brother again before the season ends  at 100%.

Missing El duque

Everyone's making a big deal about Jon Lester throwing his glove to first base to get an out, to which I indignantly huff that nobody's mentioning that El Duque was the first to do it. Then I realize that was 16 years ago and christ that's fucking depressing.

I Love Ken Singleton

(Originally posted in 2010)

Ken Singleton has been killing it this year. I mentioned before his great Snakes on a Plane line from 2008.

Last night they showed a clip from the Oakland game, and it happened to be Dallas Braden, the pitcher who bitched at A-Rod last week for walking across the mound, and he was getting lit up in the clip they were showing.

Michael Kay: boy, I hope nobody crosses his mound.
Singleton: looks like he needs to worry about people crossing home plate.

And just now Kay was joking that he'd go online to get ordained as a minister.

Singleton: you can do that?
Kaye: sure you can.
Singleton: what's that, The Church of "What's Happening?!"?

dying!!!  :)

I'll Say This...

...the older I get, the more the R.E.M. I loved as a kid gets better and better.

jennie ramone

I wrote a song about her being my college's only other Ramones fan and now here's the amazing story of how jennie fennell got The Ramones to tiny Longwood College 20 years ago this month. Awesome.

Happy April 17!

ON THIS DATE: Today marks the 64th anniversary of the first Major League game worked by public address announcer Bob Sheppard at Yankee Stadium on April 17, 1951. It was also Mickey Mantle’s first Major League game.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Bloodline​ has got to be the only show I've ever seen in which the breeze feels like a character.

Close But No Banana, Gwinny...Well, Not Even Close, Really.

The other day, just like everybody else I rolled my eyes at Gwyneth Paltrow taking on the $29 SNAP challenge. Turns out she lasted 4 days (even with all those limes!), and this is a pretty great analysis:

I’ve had an awful lot of conversations with people who think they’re being insightful when they declare that it turns out it’s really hard to get a job or to stretch a dollar. That it just can’t be done. Actually, guys, it’s hard for you to be poor. Lots of us are great at it. Lots of us do it every goddamn day.

It’s insulting when rich people assume that because they’re rich, that makes them smart or competent. It’s insulting when they pull the “If I can’t do this, who possibly can?” card. Hey, you know what, bite me. Having a juicer and a cocotte doesn’t mean you know how to prepare food better than the rest of us or that you have something to teach us about it. Just because you — blonde and wealthy — can’t do something that millions of Americans pull off every day doesn’t make it “impossible.” And to throw in the towel on a challenge that’s about raising awareness of hunger, after four days, because you frankly blew it with the preparation, is not just a failure of the United States economic system. It’s a failure of your own imagination, Gwyneth Paltrow.

FULL DISCLOSURE: In Mrs. Paltrow's defense, she has seen me naked, so. There's that.

This is Progress?

Amidst the recent spate of 90s nostalgia-inspired tv reboots is a curious lack of black shows, which were abundant in record numbers during the decade;

But it wasn’t always this way. The '90s were the last real golden age for black representation on TV, peaking in 1997 with almost two dozen black comedies on the air. On these shows, blacks were respectfully treated as multidimensional humans. They were the butler and the head of the household (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air); they were the jock and the nerd (Smart Guy); they were the geek next door and the hunk (Family Matters, duh). They were both seen and heard, telling necessary stories about the black experience in America that, as old clips from The Fresh Prince prove, are still painfully prescient.

After 1997, however, came a sharp decline that has only deepened with time — ABC’s black-ish is currently the only black comedy on network TV, and it's the first one in five years. In cherry-picking shows with mostly white casts from the '90s to reboot, the TV industry is both extending that dry period and missing out on shows that could probably perform as well as some of those that are getting the nod. (Sure, Twin Peaks was a key moment in auteurist TV, but does it really have a following beyond cultists today?)

Rats

Website up for the book HERE...step 1 in the march to overtaking the Bible as the best-selling book of all time.

Sad du Jour

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Watching Wolf Hall it occurs to me: would it be more terrifying for one of us today to travel back to that time, or vice-versa?

Booth! (There It Is!) Booth! (There It Is!)

Nice bit HERE on retracing Booth's steps after shooting Lincoln.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you years ago say you wanted to write the Booth manhunt as a comedy film?"

Sigh. YES, faithful readers, yes I did.

Mind Blown.

Pretty sure I spent the first 42 years of my life thinking it was While England Slept. :/

So, This Happened.

I have a policy of not sticking my nose into conversations I overhear on sidewalks; that policy ended today when I overheard some old-timer boldly exclaim that Bill Russell won 6 rings with the Celtics.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I'm sure her heart's in the right place but if this is what Gwyneth Paltrow thinks people who use food stamps spend their money on she is out of her goddam mind.

State du Moi

For some reason, my appetite for funny t-shirts seem to be growing with age. #wtf

Have Ball, Will Travel. A Lot.

For over 25 years, I had the honor of being the guy who'd made the single-greatest walk of all time on a basketball court.

Sadly, there is now competition.

People who were there will say mine was more egregious - I literally walked about 8 feet; Perkins merely shuffled around too much.

Welcome to the club Kendrick, but please, a little respect: when it comes to traveling on the hardwood, Xmastime is still King.

Article of the Week!

Fantastic guide on how to go to a sporting event like a goddamned adult:

So! If you're there to root for the home team, don't harass opposing fans or make them feel like shit for being there. Certainly do not assault them with shards of ice. If you are a gregarious, tolerant person, giving them some mild, good-natured shit is not only okay, but actually kind of cool and paradoxically welcoming, so long as they're receptive to it and willing to give it back, and you're willing to take their return volleys with good humor. You're all there to have a good time, and it'll be a better time for everybody if you don't act like a territorial fartbag or a sociopath.

In other words, don't be this guy.

Questons. I Have Them.

When are tv shows going to start naming themselves based on how easy it would be to search on Apple TV's awful interface?

Puke!

I'm not a Duke h8r, but this one cracked me up (via HERE.)

Xmastime Wants, Xmastime Gets

Back in 2011 I posited:

There should be a website where you can upload a photo of a woman you have a crush on, and it gives you the name of the porn star she most closely resembles. 

And ta-DA! Welcome to DopelBangHer!

McStupid

Almmost a decade ago, I pointed out that the Angus burger SUCKS.

Then I applauded when they got rid of it (SWEET, HORRIBLE VINDICATION!)

Now, because apparently they're desperate, McDonald's is bringing it back.

The point is, it’s a little strange for a chain ostensibly trying to pare down its offerings to now be bringing back an option that failed after four years on the menu. But hey, you can’t be a “modern, progressive burger company”—one that earns back market share from, say, Five Guys and Shake Shack—without a modern, progressive burger. Maybe 2015 will be the Angus Third Pounder’s year to shine.

WTF?

Portland, USA

Almost 30 years after a Portland show that was such a disaster Pual Westerberg wrote a song about it to apologize, The Replacements are playing Portland, once again with the Young Fresh Fellows:

I'll be honest—I just don't remember a lot of that night. I know the dressing room couch went out the window, and in my mind's eye I can still see Paul swinging from a chandelier and falling flat on his back when it came out of the ceiling and landed on top of him.

Luckily an amazing song came out of it.

Anniversaire du Jour

I go back and forth re: which Monty Python flick is better, Holy Grail or Life of Brian, but they're both incredible and today marks the 40th anniversary of the release of Holy Grail.

" 'Grail' is a bit like 'A Hard Day's Night,' " Idle observed in the Pythons' autobiography. "It's got a joie de vivre that's very infectious, it's very hard not to like."

Here We Go Again

One of the more interesting things I’ve noticed in the latest white cop shoots black guy story is that apparently, the people who most vociferously defend the cop seem to have absolutely no confidence in a cop’s competence. The cop’s incapable of chasing a 50 year-old man down. He’s incapable of getting help from other cops to chase him down. He’s incapable of quickly figuring out well, eventually this guy will want o come back and collect his car, or the fact that losing one’s car for a broken taillight is an incredibly harsh punishment. No, he is simply capable of lazily pulling out his gun and shooting not once, but eight times. Interesting.

Williamsburg Rats

Get it yourself HERE.

State du Moi

I think I just sat through a 15-minute presentation from a 5-year old on how to work a ceiling fan.

41 Years Ago Today

Wildcats

While not really loving or hating them, one way or the other, I spent the entire basketball season assuming Kentucky was just some factory-made machine of robotic freak athletes who were probably dicks and coached by History's Greatest Monster. Then last week I stumbled onto this article about Karl-Anthony Towns and was blown away, omg, this is the greatest kid in the world. And just now I saw Jay Bilas on Charlie Rose in the day before this past weekend's Final Four paraphrasing what he said a month ago about Kentucky's selfless players:

Bilas saluted UK players for sacrificing playing time, the chance at eye-catching statistics and places in the starting lineup this season. Yet, he noted a "narrative" that questions whether Kentucky's reliance on so-called one-and-done players is good for the sport.

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2015/03/06/3730403/espns-bilas-says-cats-sacrifice.html#storylink=cpy 

"If we really believe it's virtuous to sacrifice for the good of the team ... what have these guys done that's been anything but what we claim to love about college sports?" Bilas said on an ESPN teleconference. "The answer is nothing."

Bilas took it a step further by saying the same kind of sacrifice by players in another program would be applauded.

"If they were wearing different uniforms, they would be celebrated for these things," Bilas said. "You kind of what to wonder . . . when we say we want something, then why aren't we accepting it because we're getting it from Kentucky. We don't seem to want it from them. We seem to want it from someone else."

Like everybody else, I was wrong all season long.

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2015/03/06/3730403/espns-bilas-says-cats-sacrifice.html#storylink=cpy

Double Standard?

I saw the Scientology documentary and yes, it's batshit scary insane. But unlike how we're demanding celebs to leave it, I don't remember any Catholics being challenged to renounce their religion during all the priest-diddling years.

Newfound BBC Show du Jour Via Hulu

Chickens

Via:

Chickens is a comedy about three young men who avoid combat in the First World War: George is a conscientious objector, Cecil would love to be fighting for queen and country but his flat feet mean the army won't have him - and then there's Bert, a philandering scaredicat on the run.
In the eyes of their neighbours they're all the same: Chickens. So in a world of (quite sexy) women, children and the infirm these twenty-something chaps have only each other for company - and nothing else in common.
The women of the village are bound to treat them with the contempt they deserve - any man worth their salt should be doing their duty for the war effort abroad. But with pretty much every other man away, can George, Cecil and Bert claw themselves back into the good books of the ladies on the home front?
Chickens is a sitcom about three young guys in a woman's world, trying to prove their manhood. Every day they live in fear of being labelled as cowards - an argument they've already lost in the mere act of still being in England.

Bunnies!

The Huffington Post ask gee, wouldn't it be great to have a 4-foot bunny for a pet?

Which yes, reminds me of this little shit.

A-Rod Intro

Michael Kay just pointed out how surprised he is that 70% of the crowd noise when A-Rod was introduced were cheers. As I said last week, I think people are ready to move the fuck on already.

I wonder if part of it is exhaustion. You can only hate on somebody for so long before you hafta move on a little bit at least.

VIA:

UPDATE, 1:15 p.m.: The fans in the right-field bleachers included Alex Rodriguez in the roll call, despite Rodriguez being on the bench as the DH. Rodriguez tipped his cap.

Questions. I Have Them.

How often do opening Day and the NCAA title game happen on the same day?

Opening Day

This is my first ever Opening Day as a Yankees fan without Derek Jeter. Which makes me fucking sad.

Mind Blown du Jour #MadMen

Peggy Olsen's date last night was played by Devon Gummersall, a.k.a. Brian Krakow from My So-Called Life

Happy Easter!

Don't worry, I'll Photoshop the kids out of it later on.

Coupla handsome dudes! And Op!