In Case You've Missed Me...

I'm in London!  Will fill you all in when I get back :)

Viva la Joe Strummer!

Joe Strummer is a good pianist by GO-GO-STALIN

RIP Joe Strummer

Xmastime from 2011:

But to this day I cannot believe that Joe Strummer died. There's no fucking way. Maybe because it happened when I was down home in Tappahannock, instead of New York, for Christmas, but whatever. It's been 8 years, and I refuse to believe he, of all, people, up and died. Goddamn. If Joe Strummer can't live, what the fuck are the rest of us doing?

“It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead.” 

 

Only Fools and Horses

Newspaper ad from the day of the first episode. The internet, I mean amirite?

Only Fools and Horses By the Numbers

Since I love you people even though you've treated me like a rented mule for 10 years, letting me mercilessly pounds away millions of words for no thanks, I've compiled my Only Fools and Horses season ranking. This was done very scientifically, meaning I looked at a list of the episodes and took maybe 2 seconds to give each one a number from 1-10, 10 being the best. Then I calculated the average score for each season. (NOTE - I didn't include all 19 Christmas specials.)

The results. And you're welcome:

Season 5: 8.83
Season 6: 8.67
Season 3: 8.26
Season 7: 8.00
Season 2: 7.71
Season 4: 7.71
Season 1: 7.67

Avg for the 30 minute shows (Seasons 1-5): 8.03
Avg when they switched to 50 minute shows (Seasons 6-7): 8.33

Lowest rated:
               Cash and Curry (4)

Highest rated:

Big Brother (10)
Go West Young Man (10)
A Touch of Glass (10)
Healthy Competition (10)
Friday the 14th (10)
Happy Returns (10)
Strained Relations (10)
Sleeping Dogs Lie (10)
From Prussia With Love (10)
Video Nasty (10)

Yuppy Love (10)

Danger UXD (10) 

Three Men, a Woman and a Baby (10)

Season with most 10s: Season 4 (3 10s)
Season with least 10s: Season 2 (1 10) Season 7 (1 10)

Each episode, graded:
Season 1

Big Brother (10)
Go West Young Man (10)
Cash and Curry (4)
The Second Time Around (9)
A Slow Bus to Chingford (7)
The Russians Are Coming (6)

Season 2

The Long Legs of the Law (6)
Ashes to Ashes (8)
A Losing Streak (8)
No Greater Love... (8)
The Yellow Peril (7)
It Never Rains... (7)
A Touch of Glass (10) 

Season 3

Homesick (9)
Healthy Competition (10)
Friday the 14th (10)
Yesterday Never Comes (8)
May the Force Be with You (8)
Wanted (6)
Who's a Pretty Boy? (7)

Season 4

Happy Returns (10)
Strained Relations (10)
Hole in One (6)
It's Only Rock and Roll (6)
Sleeping Dogs Lie (10)
Watching the Girls Go By (6)
As One Door Closes (6)

Season 5

From Prussia With Love (10)
The Miracle of Peckham (9)
The Longest Night (9)
Tea for Three (9)
Video Nasty (10)
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (6)

Season 6

Yuppy Love (10)
Danger UXD (10)
Chain Gang (7)
The Unlucky Winner Is... (7)
Sickness and Wealth (9)
Little Problems (9)

Season 7

The Sky's the Limit (7)
The Chance of a Lunchtime (7)
Stage Fright (7)
The Class of '62 (8)
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle (9)
Three Men, a Woman and a Baby (10)

Only Fools du Jour

David Jason on a classic episode; what's amazing to me is how he instantly slips into Del Boy's voice with the "Barretts" line.

Husker du Jour

I can still remember the day I got the live album The Living End, on which all the songs from Warehouse sounded 10x better than they did on the album (mostly due to Grant Hart's unequaled backups).

Xmastime Wanteth, Xmastime Getith

Years ago I asked for:

Since my food-as-porn addiction has made the leap from internet trolling to walking over to Foodtown and gawking at the prepared meals without planning on buying one, the equivalent to making the jump from YouPorn to a Live Girl Peep Show, I've decided I should do a Williamsburg Food Porn Walking Tour.  We'll start at Foodtown, the mosey over to the Bedford Cheese Shop and wind our way up and down Bedford Avenue, obviously finishing by standing in Kam Sing trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing in the kitchen.  Only $15 a head!

And now it has appeared (albeit a kinda fancier version...doubt Kam Sing is on this one...).

Republicans

Missed most of the debate last night but I did pick up on 1) right now there is some non-white person outside my door desperately trying to chop my head off and 2) Chris Christie is playing the role of Rudy Guiliani in this year's episode of 9/11.

Charles Pierce has a great line about the ridiculousness of it all:

Marco Rubio postured and promised us (again) a 500-ship Navy to keep us safe from the people who drive their pick-up trucks across the ocean to attack us.

The Odd Couple

Interesting bit HERE on how the Little Drummer Boy (my fave Xmas song, tho not really this version) duet between David Bowie and Bing Crosby came to be.

“Justice Scalia captivates audience with story about seeing Gina Lollobrigida in line at the airport.”

Happy Birthday Paul Simonon

Today The Clash's Paul Simonon turns 60. Let into the band despite not knowing how to play bass pretty much just because he looked really cool, he of course has become one of the most iconic images of rock, smashing his bass on the cover of London Calling. I'd say my favorite Clash song of his is Guns of Brixton but then I'm pretty sure it's the only one he wrote - he never really was interested in being Harrison to Strummer/Jones' Lennon/McCartney.

He did put out an album in the 90's with Havana 3am; I hadn't listened to it in about 20 years, but remember it being surprisingly good. Here's the best track.

Unfortunate Truth du Jour

Terrorism is a distraction from things that are actually harming us. Via Salon:

With all that prognosticating going on, some obvious themes emerged. First and foremost, according to these pundits, the entire country is in a full-fledged panic over the violence that’s tearing our society apart. They are not referring to the daily bloodletting we face day in and day out from uncontrolled firearms killing people by the tens of thousands, of course. That’s just the natural price citizens pay for someone else’s freedom to carry lethal weapons. No, according to these commentators, Americans are hysterical over the extremely remote possibility that the bullet that might kill them could come from a gun fired by a Muslim. Evidently, the unique awfulness of that possibility has the whole country hysterical with fear.

Annnnnnnnnnd here:

Terrorism, which involves guns, is exciting, and will always win the battle of airtime with, say, “establishing a viable public health care system” or “creating rules for shared economic prosperity with poorer nations.” But it is not more important than those things. It does not affect more people. It is a real world sideshow of marginal importance, able to lend a fulfilling sense of patriotic purpose to our lives which is mostly dependent upon our own imaginations. And while the public is indulging in the fantasy of a world in which they must be part of an amorphous fight against the terrorist enemy of the moment, the real issues are being dealt with by powerful people who are quite happy to be allowed to make choices without the public’s attention.

The only sense in which terrorism is the most important issue facing America is this: it has the power to distract us from the real issues and cause us to divert our efforts and resources towards less important and beneficial causes. By that standard, the terrorists are indeed winning.

We'll see how calmly tonight's GOP debate handles these things. And by calmly of course I mean each candidate desperately trying to sound louder & scarier than the next one. Though I will say, I'm pleased they've embraced the modern sitcom by not supplying a laugh track.

Mind Blown.

The world's oldest person is in the Bronx, and was born in fucking 1899. That's astounding. I think I'm old; when she was my age we had just started WWII. Man.

Bruce Thoughts. I Have Them.

Can we PLEASE get a Springsteen making-of documentary in which the general consensus is "Yeah I dunno, he kinda mailed it in for a coupla days and then cashed a big, fat check"?

Thoughts. I have Them.

I think those brave, noble people who claim that teachers should come equipped with guns and the expertise to repel attackers in their classrooms should become teachers.

"Shut Up."

This list of movies Roger Evert hated includes Clifford, which means 1) Ebert was, respectfully, a fucking idiot, and 2) it's an excuse to break out a vintage clip of me & The Short Bus re-enacting the film's best scene.

Enjoy!

State du Moi

This weather's too depressing. It ain't Christmas if they're ain't no snow.  :( 

Mind Blown du Jour

Just realized 30 states don't have the letter "E" in their name. Whack.

Carson

 A coupla months ago Bill Maher joked that Ben Carson was polling so well so that he could "win Thanksgiving", ie your racist uncle at Thanksgiving dinner could claim he couldn't be a racist because he was a big fan of Carson, putting you hippie liberals in their place; as soon as Thanksgiving was over they'd immediately ditch him as their favorite candidate. I laughed at this line, thought it was clever but didn't really take it seriously, but now looking at the sudden timing & trajectory of Carson's free-fall from leading the polls it doesn't seem so funny anymore.

The Dark Horse

I did not know my generation was hung up on George Harrison but Salon is now telling us to chill the fuck out about him:

Harrison was the first Beatle to release a solo album – “Wonderwall Music” came out in 1968 – and he’d been restless for years. McCartney said that the guitarist’s songs, after lagging, had become “at least as good as ours.” In the ‘80s, Michael Palin of Monty Python described Harrison as “recovering from being a Beatle.” But with the exception of the posthumous “Brainwashed” album, Harrison got less interesting the further he got from the group that purportedly held him back. And he allowed a lot of his work to be hellishly glossed up by ELO’s Jeff Lynne.

More interesting to me is that he's the original Tea Partier.

And his weird non-reason for hating being in The Beatles.

Marahsteen

Longtime Xmastime buddies Marah are rocking the Stone Pony, which means everyone's gonna be watching for Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen to show up since they're pals:

The Bielankos have enjoyed dinner at Springsteen’s Rumson home.

“I remember one time having a great time there with Bruce when (producer-drummer) Steve Jordan was there,” Bielanko said while calling from his Lewisburg, Pennsylvania home. “We were just talking music and having a blast. I remember being out with Bruce and him being so cool with us. ‘Let’s make sure the boys from Marah eat.’ ”

Marah is responsible for one of my favorite moments ever.

Minneapolis II

I guess this is Minneapolis Music Week; here's interviews with Tommy Stinson and Peter Jesperson, the mayor of the scene who discovered The Replacements, on NPR.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Great video from 2004 of my old friend Christine helping Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen out at the mic for Christmas.

"Justice Scalia wows audience with spot-on review of pepperoni stromboli."

The Wrong Man(s)

Shitty video but this is one of my favorite scenes from a great show.  Catch it on Hulu!

Christimastime is Coming

...and if someone wanted to get me a personalized message from Boycie himself, I wouldn't say I'd be upset about it...

#onlyfoolsandhorses

THE THREE STAGES OF CHOCOLATE SLICE GRIEF, IN 6 SECONDS:

1. OMG! Finally! This is amazing! What took so long?!?!
2. Wait, what - who puts chocolate on sandwiches?
3. This is the dumbest thing I've heard all day.

This Is the Season of The River

In an interview at Backstreets Springsteen mentions one of his biggest regrets is not filming more shows back in the day:

I was always concerned with, you know, the show is about this moment, it's about you, it's about tonight. This moment belongs to the people that are in the room, and that was my first and foremost concern. And anything that got in the way of that, I was against at the time. So consequently, we didn't film very much.

Oh, Mary

Colbert has some Downton Abbey actors do a scene with American accents. Pretty funny, except Hugh Bonneville seems to think that an American accent simply means talking louder (then again its probably just how the Brits think of us anyway.)

Foughts. I Have Them.

It is inconcievble to me that this time last year I had no idea what Only Fools and Horses was. Wow.

The Minneapolis Sound

Short doc from the mid-80s on the music scene in Minneapolis; remarkable if for nothing else than at one point there's a black guy talking about The Replacements, which I'm pretty sure has never happened otherwise.

Great Story

Trigger du Jour #onlyfoolsandhorses

Chicken Porn du Jour

Ride that train, fellas!

Previous Xmastime chicken porn HERE.

(Image courtesy of the wonderful, comically understated Brand Eating.)

Oh Good Fucking Grief

1) Who’s the fucking wizard at ABC who, at the Christmas movie scheduling meeting, came up with kicking things off by showing "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on November 28? What the fuck? THE number one Christmas show to watch, Xmas nostalgia rivaled only by "It’s a Wonderful Life", and you know what…why don’t we get this thing outta the way before December even hits so we can make room for new classics like "Christmas at the Mall 3" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (The Quickening)"? Who signed off on this – I looked and saw that tv has over 75 Xmas movies to fucking show in the next month; how the FUCK could the Charlie Brown one not be the goddam climax to all this?!?!?!?! Why is this not shown on Xmas Eve? Should be the "Christmas Story" marathon up til 7:30, then Charlie Brown followed by "It’s a Wonderful Life", bam! Christmas!!! Who even watches these other steaming piles they throw out every year? I’m baffled. November 28??!!?! Are you kidding me? I can live with them kicking off the Xmas season early, but why not save the best for last instead of vice versa? This is like fucking Jessica Alba before you’re even horny or hard so that you can hurry up and get to jerking off to the Sears catalog. - XMASTIME

Tonight's the 50th anniversary of the first time A Charlie Brown Christmas aired:

Mendelson said each animator was given a character and told to draw it doing a famous or distinctive dance step.

"In that one scene you're seeing six iconic dances," Mendelson said.

As for the music, Mendelson went with a unique choice, eschewing the typical light cartoony music of the time and suggesting they bring in jazz musician Vince Guaraldi. 

"Without that music, that show may have never had the notoriety that it has," Mendelson said. "We thought the music was as important as the story, and the acting and everything else."

And so of course they fucking aired it a week ago instead of tonight. What. the. fuck?!!?!?

This Is the Season of The River

Vulture looks at what The River was originally meant to be, a single album until Bruce pulled it for what would become the double:

The Ties That Bind was closer to accomplishing Springsteen’s stated goals than he was willing or able to recognize at the time. Everything he wanted to achieve had been captured by material that the band had already recorded, and throwing the album out just opened the door for Bruce to get bogged down in the recording process. The songs that got written or introduced later in the process would have had more room to breathe on the next album, if they weren't usurped by even better songs. There are fans — including Bruce’s main man Steve Van Zandt — that swear the best material from The River is sitting in some of the boxed set’s outtakes.

I agree with Little Steven re: some of (or a lot of, really) the outtakes being better than some of the album. 

They also valiantly try to pare it all down to a single album again.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “don't you already have a definitive list of what should have been on The River as a single album?"?"

Sigh. OF COURSE I ALREADY HAVE A DEFINITIVE LIST OF WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE RIVER AS A SINGLE ALBUM!!!!

The Ties That Bind
Two Hearts
Independence Day
I Wanna Marry You
The River
I'm a Rocker
Fade Away
The Price You Pay
Wreck on the Highway
Roulette
Dollhouse
Where the Bands Are
Living on the Edge of the World
Take 'em as They Come
I Wanna Be With You

Parker Brothers

Punishing success since 1935.

My Year According to Spotify

Del Boy at His Bullshitting Best

12/8/80

Slightly cheesy, but interesting take on the fact that most people learned of John Lennon's murder thanks to Howard Cosell.

12/8/80

The band took the stage, most of them wearing black. Springsteen went to the mic. "If it wasn't for John Lennon," he said, "a lot of us would be in some place much different tonight. It's a hard world that makes you live with a lot of things that are unlivable. And it's hard to come out here and play tonight, but there's nothing else to do."

I've seen people digging firebreaks to save their homes, and I've seen some desperate fist fights, and God knows, I've seen hundreds of rock & roll shows, but I have never seen a human being exert himself the way Springsteen did that night in Philly. - XMASTIME

More Dickens!

Article says Charles Dickens' books mean more now than ever:

Food banks, the lack of state support for children’s services and the attack on the health service has made the work of Charles Dickens more relevant than ever before, according to the author’s acclaimed biographer Claire Tomalin.

Tomalin, who wrote Charles Dickens: A Life in 2011, told the Radio Times that Dickens’s focus on the parlous living conditions of the urban poor was just as important more than 200 years after his birth. “Dickens is very relevant at the moment in England. Because we are producing Dickensian conditions again,” she told the Radio Times. 

Not sure if any social/political reason is why you should read Dickens, but as someone for whom Great Expectations and A Tale of Two Cities are in his Top 10 and it's looking like David Copperfield is currently on its way as well, I think you should simply read more Dickens because its pretty great.

John Lennon + PBS = Yes Please

Footnotes

I'm often fascinated by uber-footnotes in history; either in pictures (ie. who's the woman in the picture they always show kneeling over the body at Kent State?) or otherwise (ie Raymond Jones - to quote Wikipedia: The Beatles had recorded the 'My Bonnie' single with Tony Sheridan in Germany...Epstein's version of the story was that a customer—Raymond Jones—walked into the NEMS shop and asked Epstein for the "My Bonnie" single, which made Epstein curious about the group.") Who are these people? Has anyone ever interviewed them? That should be a whole book, interviews with these footnote people. There's millions of 'em.

I never seem to have watched it all the way through at any one time, but the one scene below from the 1988 documentary Imagine I never seem to miss is when some hippie wanders up to John Lennon's house, and instead of releasing the hounds Lennon not only talks to him but invites him in to eat!

Who the fuck is this guy? Is he alive? He's probably about 60 now. Has anyone ever found out who this guy is? Wouldn't it be great to ask "what was it like to find yourself sitting at a kitchen table eating toast with one  of the goddam Beatles?"?

See other Xmastime footnotes HERE

12/8/80

Most people think of December 8, 1980 as the day John Lennon was shot (AND Brothatime!!'s 10th birthday - happy birfday Brothatime!!); I didn't realize until today it's also the day Bloom County debuted.

Aaaaaaayyyyyyy!

A quasi-defense of the very episode of Happy Days that spawned the phrase "jumping the shark":

...the show ran for 164 more episodes after “Hollywood: Part 3” (which was Happy Days’ 91st), and that it remained in the Top 25 for five of its six remaining seasons. In two of those, seasons five and six, it finished the year in Nielsen’s Top 5. I’d also note that after the shark jump, there are 12 more minutes left in “Hollywood: Part 3,” wrapping up all the rest of the story that fills up this three-parter. Really, the jump is just a cliffhanger introduced at the end of part two and then fairly quickly resolved in part three. It’s not really the main driving action of “Hollywood,” and to focus on it exclusively is to misremember what these episodes were actually about....The “Jump The Shark” worldview ultimately strains to transform every misstep into an outrage, which is a habit that becomes easier and easier, if that’s all a person wants to do. It’s a sour legacy.

John Lennon

Not sure why this guy feels the need to post an "hey, Lennon was no angel!" article on the 35th anniversary of his death, but I'm glad he mentioned this:

...much of the band’s adventurous side – from the interest in contemporary art to the influence of experimental music – came from McCartney. Many of us thought of Paul as the square Beatle, and John as the arty one. But much of what’s come out since Lennon’s death shows how crucial McCartney was to pushing the band forward. John, meanwhile, was nursing a drug habit in the suburbs for some of that time.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you mention this exactly 10 years ago?"
Sigh. Of COURSE I did:

Mostly, I've always been pissed at how because he got shot, he became a martyr, while Paul became the "pussy Beatle", a "lightweight fop." In a lot of people's eyes. John IS the Beatles, which is totally ridiculous. Paul could have a tendency to get a bit mawkish at times (one song about your sheepdog is one too many, Paul), but he also CRANKED plenty - witness his bone-shivering cover of "Long Tall Sally", or his heavy metal "Helter Skelter." On the very same day he recorded "Yesterday", Paul also ran through his Little Richardesque number "I'm Down", so don't tell me he's a pussy (twas his 23rd birthday, and he ALSO recorded "I've Just Seen a Face" - quite a fucking day. jesus.) John and Paul were both great because of each other. Yes, John probably helped Paul steer from his sentimental show tune side sometimes, but Paul also kept John from completely going off the deep end too with his "artsy primal scream feeling songs" - or, as I call them, "crap." So everyone, drop the Lennon is the Jesus Beatle and Paul sucked nonsense. Open your ears, listen to the albums and love them both.

More River!

Bruce Springsteen famously lamented on Ronald Reagan's election November 5, 1980, a concert which has been released along with his box set of The River:

But it would be right before “Badlands” that Springsteen got to the heart of the matter: “I don’t know what you guys think about what happened last night, but I think it’s pretty frightening….you guys are young, there’s gonna be a lot of people depending on you coming up, so this is for you….” There’s an audible gasp, and loud applause, as well as murmurs that sound disapproving, or maybe just surprised that Bruce would be so publicly outspoken–this is the same man that headlined two shows against nuclear energy without making a public statement. With that, the band marches into “Badlands.”

This is the Season of The River

Bit over on Salon on the difficulty of making the album:

In March of 1979, Bruce Springsteen would begin work on his fifth album, the follow-up to 1978’s “Darkness On The Edge of Town.” A year and a half later, after having written (or rewritten) and recorded (and re-recorded) over 50 songs, accumulating hundreds of master tapes, preparing three different album track listings, and trying the patience of everyone around him both personally and professionally, the record was done. “The River” would finally be released in October 1980.

35 years later, Columbia Records brings Springsteen fans “The Ties That Bind: The River Collection,” a deluxe box set that chronicles not just the music created during the sessions for “The River,” but also documents the fascinating and frustrating journey behind the recording process...it also presents the original single-album version of the record that was submitted to Columbia before Springsteen changed his mind, called “The Ties That Bind.” This is accompanied by a new video documentary featuring an in-depth interview with Springsteen very candidly telling the story about the making of the album, where one learns that the rumored difficulties around the making of record were not overstated.

Springsteen’s perfectionist tendencies in the studio were nothing new. He’d pulled similar agonizing stints with “Born To Run” and “Darkness On The Edge of Town,” and was quoted as saying, “That’s me, that’s what I do, I work slow, and I work slow for a reason: to get the results I want,” when it came to his approach in the recording studio.

Guns In America

At some point in the far distant future, fools will realize they’ve been played beautifully by the NRA, who aren’t noble custodians of an absolute right handed down to Americans as if from some god, but rather a group interested in doing one thing: selling guns. If they could produce more money pushing rubber ducks they’d switch in a heartbeat.

Not So Cushty

The company that made Del Boy's iconic coat went out of business after almost 170 years earlier this year:

Nursey and Son, one of the UK’s oldest sheepskin specialists, based in Bungay, Suffolk, is best known for the coat worn by legendary sitcom character Derek Trotter.

However, the company, which has been run by the same family since opening in 1846, was forced to close in March as a a result of falling sales and reduced profits.

OFAH du Jour

EXCLUSIVE!!! Find out just what Boycie and Marlene think of Del’s new book ‘He Who Dares’…
Posted by Only Fools and Horses on Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Smell of Bullshit

Republicans sure don’t seem to mind taking real action when it comes to something like tax cuts for the super-wealthy; I have yet to hear one of them ask people for “thoughts and prayers that money magically stays in rich people's bank accounts instead of going to the government.”

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Remember: guns don't kills people, people do. Usually with guns.

San Bernardino Update

Almost 8 1/2 hours since the last mass shooting in America. Suck on THAT, anti-gun losers! #SameBullshitDifferentDay

#SameBullshitDifferentDay

The American male seems to have a childish fantasy of one day being John McClane from Die Hard; personally, if I must be a Bruce Willis character I'd choose David Addison & his relentless pursuit of Maddie Hayes any day of the week. #moonlighting

#SameBullshitDifferentDay

If God is one of the 8 people left who reads newspapers he's not going to like this at all. #truth

Summer Is a Christmas Time of Year

What makes a great Christmas song? Partly, the ability to record it in summer:

One of the hardest things about recording Christmas songs, says Nick Lowe, is the time of year you have to make them.

In summer.

"We thought, 'We'll never be able to do this. We'll have to put all this junk up in the studio to get ourselves in the mood -- Christmas trees and fake presents and all that sort of stuff,' " says Lowe, the "Cruel to Be Kind" singer who released an album of holiday tunes, "Quality Street," in 2013. 

The idea, Lowe has said, was to "do a record which ... gets into the spirit of Christmas -- that was not cynical and was big-hearted and warm-spirited."

This sounds true to me; in the summer of 2005 Marah hunkered down in my loft to make one of my all-time favorite Christmas albums. I'd come home from work and we'd all be drenched in sweat, but thanks to ornaments and lighting and the motherfucking Christmas spirit the recording got done. And it was great.

Buy it HERE!

Thoughts. I Have Them.

When it comes to Cheers I always thought Sam's office was curiously large for a bar (but still cooler than The Fonz' being in the shitter)

#SameBullshitDifferentDay

Either Republicans are terrible at prayers, or God is.

Only Fools and Horses du Jour

Jim Broadbent, who would play the evil cop Slater in two episodes, famously turned down the role of Del Boy, to the relief of every fan and Broadbent himself:

“I would not have wanted it enough to do it long-term,” he says. “And the BBC would have pulled the plug, because it would not have been successful.

“David Jason was the right man at the right time, like a marriage made in heaven. It was a narrow escape – for them and for me. Del Boy would have been long forgotten by now whereas he is still an institution.”

Classic bit from when Slater tried to put ol' Del Boy away:

Inspector Roy Slater: Remember Del? All us lads down the river playing pirates! Boycie was the first mate, Trigger was Long John Silver... What Part did I play Del?
Del Boy: You played the bloke what walked the plank.
Inspector Roy Slater: Ye that's right... I was always the bloke that walked the plank! I was in and out of that water more times than a ducks head! I always wanted to be BlueBeard!
Del Boy: Well you should have asked!
Inspector Roy Slater: I did lots of times but you'd never let me!
Del Boy: I did once.
Inspector Roy Slater: Oh yes I remember, that was the day that BlueBeard had to walk the plank!

GREAT EXPECTATIONS, a Super Slice

First serialized 155 years ago today.

Oh For Fuck's Sake

If you're gonna have a ton of fucking notes throughout the book, can you please have them on their corresponding pages, and not at the back of the book so I gotta fucking spend all goddam day flipping back and forth?

Also, how bout making sure it's gonna be a RELEVANT footnote? i.e., maybe I don't necessarily need to know if a certain rank in Russian civil service is 5th or 6th in rank. Grrr. - XMASTIME

David Copperfield, I'm now looking at you.

Onion du Jour

Dying.

The 3 Stages of the Internet

1. Wow, she's pretty hot.
2. Oh shit, she's 15.
3. Goddamit. It's a dude.

I Can't Say

...this was anywhere near as enthralling as I thought it would be.

Finally...

...we may be approaching the end of fucking Black Friday et al:

That data confirms that brands don’t need to have employees show up to stores to generate holiday sales on Thanksgiving Day — they can simply offer discounts online. Stores can also generate good will by staying closed on the holiday, preserving their employees’ ability to spend it with family and friends, and avoid the hundreds of online petitions that sprung up this year protesting holiday hours. 

Oscar Wilde's Death

The more I read the more I realize there's a list of the most interesting people who've ever lived, and Oscar Wilde is pretty much the list.- XMASTIME
Oscar Wilde died 115 years ago today, and it probably wasn't from syphilis. This bit in particular is fascinating:

Perhaps most ironic is the fact that Oscar’s father, Sir William R.W. Wilde was one of Ireland’s most eminent ear surgeons and who often treated ear infections like the one that killed his son. In his well-received 1853 textbook, “Practical Observations on Aural Surgery and the Nature and Treatment of the Diseases of the Ear,” Sir William warned of the infectious and deadly power of discharges from the ear: “…so long as otorrhoea [ear discharge] is present, we never can tell how, when, or what it may lead to.” His son’s course of illness proves this morbid observation all too well.

I've never actually read one of his books, but Oscar Wilde was a fucking quote machine.

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

I find it harder and harder every day to live up to my blue china.

Of course a quick Google search finds a ton more.

Whoa.

Ringo's auctioning the very first copy of The Beatles White Album.

Apparently Starr’s kept the record in a bank vault in London for over 35 years and has finally decided to bring it out for auction. The starting bid? $20,000. 

As Dangerous Minds explains, it’s widely accepted that copies one to four are in the possession of the four Beatles’ members. But it’s also been assumed that No. 0000001 belongs to John Lennon. It’s even an assumption shared by Paul McCartney, who said Lennon “shouted loudest”. As it turns out, Ringo owns the copy and And now a well-heeled Beatles’ collector has the chance to buy it. 

Starts at $20k??!  Now THAT'S a joke.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “don't you have a 14-song single album version of the White album?"

OF COURSE I HAVE A 14-SONG SINGLE ALBUM VERSION OF THE WHITE ALBUM!!!

Back In The U.S.S.R.
Dear Prudence
Birthday
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Sexy Sadie
Happiness Is A Warm Gun
I'm So Tired
Piggies
Rocky Raccoon
Don't Pass Me By
Mother Nature's Son
Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey
Helter Skelter
Good Night

Well Hello There, My Monday Night Plans!

 #onlyfoolsandhorses

RIP Jimmy the Barber

I've gotten many haircuts in the 25 years since I left my hometown, but you never forget your first barber. Mine was Jimmy the Barber, and today was the first time I'd gotten my hair cut since he died a few weeks ago.

From 2007:

On Saturday morning my dad would drop my brother and I off at Jimmy the Barber's for our haircuts, loudly proclaiming to Jimmy each time "Jimmy, I want them to have BOY haircuts." I don't know what he was scared of; I never once heard of Jimmy pissing off a father in town by giving a kid a beehive or something. Not once did I hear Jimmy look at a young buck and say "I'm gonna cut your hair like Strawberry Shortcake!" Then my brother and I would sit amongst the dozen or so 50 year old farmers in there, reading Reader's Digest while the old codgers shot the shit about tractors and crops and other shit we had no idea what they were talking about. After about three hours of waiting you'd get waved over to the chair by Jimmy (until I went to college I thought his last name was in fact "Thebarber") who would chop it all off in about 17 seconds, all while getting in what was a clinic on small talk "how you boys been playing ball this year how the team lookin saw your daddy rollin overB attery the other day yeah he's a good ol boy which one are you, part or no part whatchu say whatchu say bout it boy" BAM! taking off the shower curtain wrapped round your neck, you're outta the chair. I'd wonder what went on over at some girl named Robin's shop, where all my rich friends got their hair cut. Sorry, styled. I'd picture over at Robin's there's a real-life Pizza Hut buffet set up while girls in pajamas would come over and dance along to J. Geil's "Centerfold", wildly applauding each snip of the scissors and spreading all the 5th grade gossip while dancing the watusi and eating baby egg rolls. Meanwhile I'm sitting for three hours listening to Field & Stream come to life during mudbogging season, each old cuss more ornery than the last re: what pussies the military has become, unlike when they were fighting the Japs outfitted with only some shoestring and the knowledge of the difference between right (us/jesus) and wrong (them/slant-eyed jesus.)

During my haircut career as a kid, Jimmy the Barber got married maybe, oh, 76 times. I'm not even kidding, every other fucking time you'd try to go by his shop there'd be a sign on the door "GONE ON HONEYMOON, BACK NEXT WEEK." And what do you know, the next time you'd be there during lunchtime some new woman would breeze in with a bag lunch for him, give him a big sloppy kiss on the lips and leave him beaming.

Cap. Doffed.

RIP Jimmy the Barber, have fun standing behind that big barber chair in the sky...oh wait you're probably off on your honeymoon anyway  ;)

Just a Coupla Kids Who Love America

Take THAT, terrorists!! Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!

JAMC

I've long said that The Jesus & Mary Chain's Psychocandy is not only one of the best debut albums of all time but one of the best albums of all time, and here's a reason why:

Thirty years have passed since The Jesus and Mary Chain’s Psychocandy first enveloped and challenged adventurous ears, and the album still sounds just as fresh and vital, equal parts of mercurial grandeur and danger. A new generation of millennials first heard “Just Like Honey” high in the mix at the poignant climax to Sofia Coppola’s 2003 existential dramedy Lost In Translation, soundtracking the moment when Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson reunite in Tokyo to realize that they love each other. It’s the perfect love song for a film about strangers out of place, both warm and alien.

I love love love this album, but there's one song that introduced me to it.

Nous Sommes Americains!

Nice, succinct primer HERE on why we pretty much our our existence as a country to France:

Plainly stated, if France hadn’t supported the United States during the American Revolution, there wouldn’t be a United States today. George Washington was a great general, but the Continental Army simply didn’t have the money, men, training, or seafaring vessels necessary to defeat the British. At the war’s outset, France secretly provided to the Americans trained officers, money, ammunition, and gunpowder. This contributed directly to the staggering victory of the Continentals over the British at the Battle of Saratoga in 1777. Upon news of the British defeat, Louis XVI of France decided to go all-in. France signed the aforementioned Treaty of Alliance and the Treaty of Amity and Commerce, and started sending serious firepower to the colonies.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you point this out 6 years ago?"

Sigh. OF COURSE I FUCKING DID.

The Sports Guy Presidential Interview

While waiting to do whatever he's gonna do next Bill Simmons sat down with Obama for an interview at GQ:

What’s the most entertaining conspiracy theory you ever read about yourself?
That military exercises we were doing in Texas were designed to begin martial law so that I could usurp the Constitution and stay in power longer. Anybody who thinks I could get away with telling Michelle I’m going to be president any longer than eight years does not know my wife.

OFAH du Jour

#paris2015

I know this is terrible timing after last night, but I've been meaning to post about my trip to Paris for 2 weeks. First of all, it's the first place I've ever been out of the country, so that in and of itself is amazing.

As for Paris itself, there's probably not much I can say that everybody else doesn't already know. It is, simply put, amazing. I was blown away by the sheer size of it, as well as how beautifully it's managed to sew the old (ancient, really) together with the modern in a way I've never seen before. It constantly reminded me of New York. It's amazing, and I can't wait to go back.

I'm too lazy for new comments so let me take you along on the trip as it happened via my Instagram.

Viva la France!

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