Why Am I Single, You Ask?

I can finish this in under three minutes.

Say What You Will About Trump...

...but nobody’s ever brought jazz hands to the Oval Office like he has. Nobody!

Only Fools du Jour

Oh for Fuck's Sake

Haven't they already been through enough this week?

Great List

The 10 Greatest Sports Duos ever.

I feel lucky I got to spend sop many Sunday afternoons with Madden/Summerall, and can listen to Wilbon/Kornheiser talk about anything all day long. And of course I've prattled on for hours on this blog about my love for Mike and the Mad Dog (which inspired the single greatest blog post ever.)

Newest BBC Sitcom du Jour

JAM & JERUSALEM

Written by the always amazing Jennifer Saunders (Ab Fab), this cast is like an all-star team. Other great sitcoms represented by this cast:

The Royle Family
Father Ted
French and Saunders
The Vicar of Dibley
The Wrong Man(s)
Absolutely Fabulous
The Young Ones
Whites
Peep Show
Upstart Crow
Back
I'm Alan Partridge
Miranda
Chickens
The Detectorists
The Mighty Boosh
Friday Night Dinner
Hunderby
A Young Doctor's Notebook
Spy
White Gold

And these are just the sitcoms that I personally am a fan of. Obviously a testament to Jennifer Saunders' reputation and resume as a writer - when she calls, you answer the phone.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Word that means the opposite of how it sounds: MIRTH

Word that means exactly how it sounds: SLOPPY

The White Shadow: 40 Years

The New York Post points out that 40 years ago tonight, The White Shadow premiered:

“It was very ahead of its time, man. We did so many things that were shocking, unheard of things on TV in the ’70s,” said Thomas Carter, who played authority-challenging guard James Hayward and now is one of three former Carver players to go on to successful careers as Hollywood directors. “I really liked that the show from the start didn’t want to be simply a show about basketball, but was going to be daring and ambitious enough to try and say important things and make a difference.

“It really made you think about where these kids, many of them African-American, really live. What kind of things do they have to deal with every day? What are the consequences, what are the costs, of their environment? So much of it, I don’t remember it being done before anywhere on television.

“Honestly,” he added, “groundbreaking really isn’t a strong enough word to describe it.”

I've blathered about how much I love this show several times throughout the years, including this gem:

One funny thing about the cast is no matter how many times I watch the show, maybe twice a day, I still can’t get the fucking names of the core group of 4 or so black guys straight. Call me a racist, but other than Coolidge I have no idea who’s who when coach is shouting out “Heyward! Thorpe! Jackson! Reese!” My only defense here is that a while back in this post I said the same about Hoosiers, so…apparently no matter what color you are - if you put on some tight shorts and run around a basketball court with a coupla other half-naked guys, my mind goes blank and I can’t remember your name.

State du Moi

The office tv being switched from CNN around the clock to the Hallmark Channel means asking yourself wait why the fuck was this not already so?

A Good Question.

Are the best 7 words in the English language, "Him? Oh no, he's not my boyfriend."

Still Working On It.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Seems pretty ridiculous that in 2018 the # hasn’t made it onto the first set of special character options.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

This is a curiously available website. 

Honestly, People

In all seriousness I can’t believe nobody’s made the connection about where as a nation we’ve seen Trump’s hair before.

Questions. I Have Them.

Has anyone asked how someone with Trump's money can have such a crappy fake tan? 🤔

#JawsLife

A Riddle.

Wonder which party he voted for. Oh well a complete mystery, I guess.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

‪If Hallmark holiday movies have taught me anything, it’s that tiny towns in the middle of nowhere have curiously robust taxi cab services. 🤔

WWI at 100

No show ever conveyed the utter madness of war like Blackadder did.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

If Ahmad Rashad asks you to be a groomsman at his next wedding I’d suggest some serious self-reflection on your part. 🤔

Thing That Actually Happened Last Weekend

I think I just had an argument about whether or not Bounty paper towels are really the “quicker picker-upper” with an 8 year-old who finally admitted she’d never used any other brand.

State du Moi

Can’t really say that arguing with a two year-old through clenched teeth to turn down Peppa Pig on his iPad so I could better hear Lifetime’s latest classic movie Sorority Stalker is my proudest moment of the day.

Ahh, Memories!

OFAH Top 10

You can't go wrong with any Top 10 list of Only Fools and Horses episodes but this one only has 2 that are also on my list, which is obviously the one you should consider to be definitive. 

November 11, 1918

This is the Greatest Twitter Thread of My Lifetime.

This strip is reprinted in "You've Done It Again, Charlie Brown," (Fawcett Books, 1970). It has blown my mind. I don't believe that I'd ever seen it before, it feels different from a Schulz strip, and peers at the deeper Peanuts Universe around a corner. May I ramble? Thank you. pic.twitter.com/jW3dtb8fyk

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

To begin with, this first panel only works because of the years previously invested in the Lucy/Schroeder dynamic. The payoff to that investment is a seismic shift in its topography. The import of this panel is a catastrophic upheaval of the strip's status quo... pic.twitter.com/wDvIz0Xv45

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

...a status quo in which Lucy is more heavily invested than ever previously revealed.  I don't know that we've ever seen Lucy approaching Schroeder's house before, but observe -- she smiles! She is anticipating this moment! Lucy -- fussbudget, crab, football tormentor -- is happy pic.twitter.com/WkeCc0MynL

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Lucy endures a living hell in the Peanuts Universe, she's the only non-neurotic five year-old on the block. She can't divorce herself from the inner circle of psychological torment because she's related to one of the worst offenders. Her attempts to liberate her pals are rebuffed

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Lucy's psychiatric booth, her repeated badgering of her brother, theft of his blanket, the football gag with Charlie Brown -- I maintain that Lucy is trying to normalize the behavior of her messed-up comrades, because they're making her miserable. But look how happy she is above

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Considering how relentlessly confrontational Lucy is with her other pals, you might have wondered if her banter with Schroeder was just part of her general apparent antagonism. It clearly isn't. In what other situation would Lucy walk away from an insult rather than fight? pic.twitter.com/QmB4lNU0Hi

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Lucy walks, defeated, into the street and is solaced by Snoopy, who performs the dog's duty of immediate empathy.

Lucy and Snoopy have an antagonistic relationship, owing in no small part to Snoopy's immunity to correction. And yet, they immediately bond over ... misery pic.twitter.com/b5jkSxx0G3

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Snoopy offers a solution. I read it as "I'll fuck her up for you, if you want!" He might also be instructing Lucy in the art of fucking people up. Either way, the implied animation between these two panels is relatively un-Schulz-like and delightful. I feel amped up looking at it pic.twitter.com/smNKqfIa8P

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Lucy ponders the instruction and proceeds back to Schroeder's, with grim determination on her face and soupbones clenched by her side. But this is supposed to be Lucy's DEFAULT state. She's always ready for a fight -- or so we're informed.... pic.twitter.com/pypSSKlNlS

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

My larger point about Lucy's character -- and I think this is supported through the strip, perhaps unintentionally -- is that she isn't crabby, miserable and confrontational by default. Circumstances have made Lucy this way, circumstances and the indulgent buffoonery of her peers

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Anyway. Meet Charles Schulz's best-drawn panel. Nothing is stationary, except the piano, to determine the anchor point of the image. The shadows increase as they move towards startled Frieda, encouraged by Schroeder's sudden cringe. Lucy looks insane, and flung into the panel. pic.twitter.com/fk1aH0kMZA

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

He changes the camera view for the denouement, steps down the emotional intensity. Schroeder has fallen into this stupefied gander -- he probably should have known this was going to happen. He'll have to write a letter to Frieda's family, and return any teeth or hair left behind. pic.twitter.com/ACcuo6CLCa

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

And the intensity is completely relaxed for the resolution, which is an atypically triumphant punchline in a strip which mastered the "HOW I HATE HIM!" school of comedy.

There are vastly more "Peanuts"-y Peanuts strips than this one, which is why I think I find so much to enjoy pic.twitter.com/PVeMatVdsM

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Retrace the emotional and dynamic arc of this WORDLESS STRIP (dang, I forgot to mention that!), examine the distinctive motions and relationships introduced herein, and dig Lucy's deeper emotional realness. I may be reacting only to its previously unread-ed-ness, but I love this.

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Retrace the emotional and dynamic arc of this WORDLESS STRIP (dang, I forgot to mention that!), examine the distinctive motions and relationships introduced herein, and dig Lucy's deeper emotional realness. I may be reacting only to its previously unread-ed-ness, but I love this.

— Calamity Jon Reads... (@CalamityReads) November 7, 2018

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I'm fairly shocked that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia hasn’t done a straight-up parody of Rocky. Charlie as Rocky, Frank as Mickey and the Waitress as Adrian. 

Thanksgiving Covers Everybody!!!

The folks over at Eater are asking which food magazine has the best Thanksgiving cover this year.

Me? I vote for the Southern Living one, I like the way the dishes look like they're cascading down.

Memory Lane du Jour.

I once had a woman say "I want you to fuck me like an animal." I was shocked. "Oh my god," I said, "you heard about that??!?!!?"

#ThrowbackThursday #2010

From the comments section many, many years ago.

RIP Willie McCovey

Questons. I Have Them.

Okay to just peel off the wonderfully burnt cheese on top of baked ziti at a buffet to eat? Asking for me.

State du Moi.

Me, 5 weeks ago: “Dammit that’s it, I’m finally getting a microwave so I can easily steam bags of vegetables and be much healthier. Enough eating pure crap!”

What I’ve cooked in it to date: popcorn.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

After watching and loving A League of Their Own for years I suddenly wonder why we were always ok with Marla Hooch ditching the team mid-season to marry a guy she met after her season had already started. 

State du Moi.

I own 4 belts and don't fucking like any of them.

Something You Should Know About Me.

I saw Andy Pettitte pitch at Yankee Stadium in three different decades.

Happy Halloween!

Xmastime Halloween moments thru the years!

Tragedy: girl in office everyone ignored  :(
Comedy: Count Jackula!
Classic: my "razor in an apple" riff!
On the run: the night my gang of street tuffs robbed a bodega
Winner: Poptop wins costume contest dressed as...me!
10 years ago: a Fort Greene Halloween!
Now I'm sad they're growing up: more of my Brooklyn Gang!
Review: Young Larroca's spine-tingling movie debut, Monster!

"This fucking blows - let's bounce, fellas!"

Uber du Jour

Don't even wanna know what happens if you don't give this fucker 5 stars.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

If racists wanna somehow make Jefferson Davis likable to non-racists maybe they should get it out there that the college he attended was called "Transylvania University."

Ideas. I Have Them.

Go around the office at 5pm today saying, "dammit, I spent all day thinking it was Sunday."

State du Moi.

If Young Me knew how little interest Old Me has in eating these he'd be very, very disappointed.

OFAH du Jour

Anyone who's read this blog for more than 10 minutes knows I'm totally obsessed with Only Fools and Horses. I discovered it in January 2015 and have posted about it oh, maybe 10,000 times. My first one came a few weeks into my fandom, HERE.

BUT.

Today I stumbled into a reference to it in a post of mine...IN 2011!!

I guess this post was my announcing I wanted to go to London by my 40th birthday, as it's a pictograph of all things great about London. "I wonder..." I thought as I squinted real hard at it and YEP!! there it is, Del Boy's famous three-wheeled van! :)

Too Many Birthday Plates

In 1996 I was living in Oxford, Mississippi. For a Mississippi town it was fairly progressive, but by any normal comparison was still pretty pumped to be white.

One day for my lunch hour I went to a restaurant in the local mall, Legends. Walking thru the restaurant to the back I passed a long table covered with birthday plates and balloons and other birthday paraphernalia. In the center was a black man with (presumably) his son. They were both beaming, excited about the birthday party to come. I was pumped for the kid myself, and continued walking to my booth in the back.

After eating a sensible meal of vegetables, super-foods and superduper-foods, I was walking back thru the restaurant to leave when I saw the table. I saw the father. And the kid.

And nobody else.

Nobody had come to the kid's damn birthday party.

I'll never forget their heartbroken faces. I barely made it out and into my car before some waterworks came out of my salty eyes. And yes, him being black and in Mississippi made it even worse.

20+ years later, it's happened again. To a white kid, but still heartbreaking.

Ugh.

I went home that day and wrote a song, Too Many Birthday Plates. It went on to become a show staple, I'm pretty sure my band played it at every show we did from 1999-2012. One day The Barber and I were sitting around 100 Metro and decided to cut a demo of it, which is below. Yes, our fretwork changed the way rock guitar was played. Yes, we challenged how someone could be transformed by music.

But I can still see that kid and his dad. And I can still feel it.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Why do couples go on a honeymoon at the absolute greatest moment of their marriage - shouldn’t they save it for a few years later when their marriage really needs a boost? 🤔

Oh Great.

Now everyone at work knows I buy my dress shirts at Costco.

Yup.

Still a Good Question.

Announcement du Jour

This bag of microwave popcorn may officially declared to be well-popped.

Weekend, VI

Having three kids under 8 years old at a table that features a lazy Susan is basically a race to see who’s gonna get violently hauled off to a time-out first.

Weekend, V

My goddaughter believes in ghosts and the supernatural but draws the line at the idea of them having goddam arms.

Chutzpah:

Found this morning in the Amtrak cafe car opening tip jar at 6am.

Sistatime! Memory du Jour

I Am A Health Nut

Ahh yes, the four major food groups: pasta, pasta, potatoes, potatoes.

First Ever Uber Ride!

My goddaughter and her sister's excitement was quickly squelched the moment they realized it was just a fucking car.

Weekend, IV

Thought: if you bring a chair to a girl’s soccer game and then don’t sit in it you’re probably an asshole.

Inspect Element du Jour

WTF du Jour

I love these Mickey Mantle stories but is this the oldest active website in the world?!?!?!?!

Weekend, III

Watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Well, one of us is. #goddaughter

"GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN IT'S WORLD WAR I"

A curiously overlooked part of It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is they decided to throw in a side plot involving what at its time had been the most harrowing event in human history. 

My Weekend, I

Him: Wow I think (insert name of his 2 year-old son) may be a comedian.
Me: Oh yeah? Why?
Him: (tells me what the kid did)
Me: Yeah, so that’s not being a comedian. That’s just being a dick.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Thanks to Amtrak getting rid of that terrible chew toy they used to call a bun their hot dog is now an A+.

On It!

State du Moi.

One thing you should know about Pinterest is that Pinterest really gets me.

WTF

Apparently somewhere inside my office right now is history’s greatest monster. 

Rare Xmastime Post on an American Sitcom

As you people know, I'm a huge fan of British sitcoms. And one thing I've noticed is that Brits love shows about old fuckers. There's Last of the Summer Wine, Dad's Army, Waiting for God, Hold the Sunrise, As Time Goes By, Fresh Fields, One Foot in the Grave, and on and on and on.

America? Not so much.

Thanks to this post by the great Ken Levine, I've been hipped to a new show on FOX about senior citizens in an old folks home, and the cast is staggering. I started watching and liked it and THEN discovered it was created & written by the amazing Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia!!

You can give it a try HERE.

Happy Birfdays!

One of these people changed the world forever with The Beatles, one changed the world forever by creating an all-time favorite BBC sitcom, one changed the world forever by giving birth to Xmastime, and one is Marley.

PBS The Great American Read

My Top 5:

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Great Expectations
Crime and Punishment
Grapes of Wrath
Pride & Prejudice.

Now you go vote too!

Some May Say Strange Women Lying in Ponds Distributing Swords is No Basis for a System of Government...

Hot Dogs; Costco's Not-so-Secret Weapon

As someone who loves getting a hot dog every time I'm at a Costco, this makes me happy:

$1.50. That's been the price of Costco's signature hot-dog-and-soda combo for more than three decades.

The humble $1.50 hot dog is a secret weapon for the big-box warehouse club. It's one of the perks that helps persuade shoppers to dish out $60 or $120 for a membership every year.

 

"I know it sounds crazy making a big deal about a hot dog, but we spend a lot of time on it," Costco co-founder Jim Sinegal told The Seattle Times in 2009. "We're known for that hot dog. That's something you don't mess with."

 

Costco makes little to no profit on its $1.50 dogs, and inflation makes the price seem more dated every year. But it's unlikely to change.

 

"It's somewhat sacrosanct," Richard Galanti, Costco's longtime chief financial officer, said in an interview.

Bolds are my own.

Aww, Peggy Sue

The real Peggy Sue of Buddy Holly song fame died today:

She married drummer Jerry Allison, from Holly's rock 'n' roll band The Crickets. Her son-in-law, Tom Stathos, on Monday reminisced and told KCBD-TV in Lubbock that the song "Peggy Sue" initially had a different name. "It was originally going to be Cindy Lou (Holly's niece) and that he (Allison) wanted to impress Peggy Sue so he got Buddy to change the name."

I've always read that Allison kept fucking up during the recording until Buddy Holly threatened he'd change the name back to Cindy Lou. 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

I already have the autobiographies of three members of Monty Python and they’re exactly like you’d expect: John Cleese’s is pompous and maddeningly ends right before Monty Python begins, Michael Palin’s diary is thoughtful and earnest, and Graham Chapman’s makes absolutely no sense to the point of being unreadable. Now Eric Idle is releasing his, which I expect to be the funniest of the four since he’s the one responsible for one of the funniest off-the-cuff lines ever:

Following the success of Holy Grail, reporters asked for the title of the next Python film, despite the fact that the team had not even begun to consider a third one. Eventually, Idle once flippantly replied "Jesus Christ and His Lust for Glory", which became the group's stock answer once they realised that it shut reporters up.

68 Years Ago Today

Peanuts debuted! :)