Thoughts. I Have Them.

Coming up with the anagrams for the Fawlty Towers signs before the internet existed must’ve been hard af.

We all laughed when Snoopy announced he wanted to dance. But goddammit, that beagle could fucking dance.

Tiger’s Ali Moment.

Trump is apparently now going to award Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. 

I know it won’t happen. And I wouldn’t blame him. But wouldn’t it be great if Tiger told Trump to stick the award up his ass?

Just Sayin’

Paris

The King

Rough year for Lebron (if going for 28/8/8 can be a "rough year"), but this is great:

Nearly one year after LeBron James officially opened the I Promise School in Akron, Ohio, the early results from the inaugural class are very promising.

Per Erica L. Green of the New York Times, 90 percent of the 240 third- and fourth-grade students "met or exceeded individual growth goals in reading and math, outpacing their peers across the district."

Heartbreak in Paris. #Paris2015

If You Didn't Laugh, You'd Cry

Notré Dame

THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS.

Authorities are responding to a massive fire at Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral, where video posted to social media shows the historic monument appearing nearly engulfed in smoke and flames.
 

Firefighters responded to the scene around 7 p.m. local time on Monday, Le Monde reported.

The gravity of the fire is still to be determined, but firefighters told the local news outlet that the blaze was in the cathedral’s attic.

I don't know how bad it'll turn out; right now I'm just grateful I got to visit it a few years ago. Go down my Paris memory lane here.

I only have a pic from outside, I assume there was a 'no photos" policy. I do remember being shocked to learn they still held church services in it, thinking wow can you imagine going to ND for Sunday mass just because you happen to live nearby and it's no big deal?!?!?!

White Bread, Please

After wasting years & years of thinking I had to use a more rustic bread for my beloved Bumblebee tuna fish sandwiches, I recently went back to the ol' faithful of white Wonder Bread, so I’m down with squishy white bread being on the uptick.

State du Moi

The older i get, the more I seem to like Colin Quinn.

OFAH du Jour

John Sullivan, who created and wrote every word of every episode of Only Fools and Horses, died at the age of 64. And the number of OFAH episodes?

64.

Is your mind blown, dear readers?

Can't Wait for Season 2!!!!

Lie and How to LIve It

TV world about a creative agency:
Boss: hey, if we need to reschedule -
Creative: I’ll be ready!

A real world creative agency:
Boss: hey, if we need to reschedule -
Creative: Wait, we can do that??!

Gunning the Rock with Paddy Mac

Because when my nephew swishes one then by God, it STAYS fucking swished.

Black Hole Photo

Me: the first-ever photo of a black hole is a stunning achievement of man and a reminder of our insignificant relationship with the universe.

Also me: I have no idea what the fuck I’m looking at.

Me again: kinda wonder if the NSF is just fucking with us.

THIS MAKES ME HAPPY

Season 5 of Cuckoo, a superslice, is almost upon us! Sadly Taylor Lautner, who was shockingly funny in seasons 2-4 won't be returning as Dale, but anything with the brilliant Greg Davies is still gonna be good. Pumped!

Watch this upcoming season's trailer. HERE.  (Fingers crossed for more Steve!!!)

UPDATE: bit here about the shows being the "Doctor Who of comedy." :)

UPDATE 2: OMG Ken's newly-found sister, played by Andie McDowell, is named Ivy Mittlefart!!

MJ Hustle 25 Years Later

8 years ago on these humble pages I pointed out that Michael Jordan's baseball career wasn't the joke people tried to say it was:

I never understood everyone's beef with Michael Jordan trying to play baseball. I thought it was pretty awesome that someone considered to be the greatest ever in his field of choice decided to try a completely different field, and with the entire world watching. And of all sports to pick, he picked the one that least depends on pure athleticism, you can't run or jump to first base without hitting the ball, and nothing in sports can be as humiliating as trying to hit a baseball. Sure he was probably gonna fail, but 99% of minor leaguers fail. And of course the purists squealed that he was taking the spot of some noble baseball player who had scrapped away his whole life, but camon. There's a zillion minor league teams; if you're that good they'll find you. And hell, looking at his stats now, I'm pretty shocked he did as well as he did (for a AA team, to boot.)

FINALLY, the rest of the universe has caught up with me:

Nowadays, sports fans look upon his foray into baseball as a whim, and when they look up his numbers and see that he batted .202, they conclude that his baseball career was a bust. Just like that opening night crowd in '94, they walk away from the memory mildly disappointed.

They could not be more wrong.

Don't look at his batting average. Look at his 51 RBIs -- he was never overwhelmed by the moment. He could fly -- look at the 30 stolen bases. He hadn't played since high school, and he was holding his own in Double-A, which is filled with prospects. By August, those routine fly balls in BP were starting to go out. I'm not sure I've ever seen something as beautiful on a baseball field as the time Michael Jordan hit the ball into the gap and raced around to third for a triple. Two more seasons, he would've been a legitimate extra outfielder for the White Sox, maybe even a starter.

Fantastic must-read.

Major League at 30, Please Kill Me Now

My very first date as a young buck with my future first girlfriend took place 30 years ago this week, which is totally depressing. Not depressing? On the date we saw Major League, which also debuted 30 years ago this week. Enjoy the guys over at The Rewatchables podcast as they talk about the movie. Oh, even more depressing? They spend almost zero time on Bob Uecker, which I must say is very strange. Tho they do ask what I've been asking for 30 years - why the pennant? Why not just go ahead and have them win the World Series? Wtf?

Five Favorite Bob Uecker Quotes from Major League:

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor."

"JUST a bit outside."
"So, here is Rick Vaughn, the one they call the "Wild Thing". So, he sets and deals.
[Vaughn throws a wild pitch]
Just a bit outside, he tried for the corner and missed.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Ball 4.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Ball 8.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Low, and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close?"

Harry Doyle: "So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score. Funny game ain't it Monty?
Monte: Well at least the bird survived.
Harry Doyle: Who cares? It's a rat with wings."

"If that's not Shaquille O'Neal in left, that baby's outta here."

My personal favorite:
[after Hayes calls a shot to left field and flies out to left for the second time]
"You know, he could be pointing at the left fielder."

I've also stolen his "dynamite drop-in, Monte" a billion times since then. :)

Fawlty Hiring?

It certainly made for comic hilarity throughout the entire series but it's also true that Basil's stress levels, general lifestyle and business itself would've been much better if he'd just have shelled out a few more bucks for an employee who could speak English a little better.

INteresting...Curious, Even...

Magic and Bird both played their first NBA games on October 12, 1979. An interesting fact to me is that of the two, Bird had more assists and Magic had more points.

OFAH du Jour

The three best 3-consecutive episodes runs of Only Fools and Horses. You're welcome.

Yuppy Love/Danger UXD/Chain Gang
The first three episodes of the best season, Season 6, and the first episodes that went from being only 30 minutes to 50, allowing John Sullivan to stretch out the characters and give them depth with more dramatic scenes. Yuppy Love has what's generally considered to be the funniest BBC scene of all time, and it’s also the episode in which Rodney meets Cassandra. A kind of overlooked great moment is the scene with Del Boy explaining to Rodney to never be ashamed of where he comes from. Danger UXD is maybe the most brilliant premise of the whole series (Del buys a load of inflatable sex dolls that turn out to have propane in them), and is brilliantly played out by Del/Rodney/Uncle Albert. There’s not actually a ton going on before the big reveal, but it’s still so great you don’t mind. And I love Chain Gang because while it features a ton of great lines as does a usual episode, it’s the first time we really get to see all the main and secondary characters together in scenes; maybe the only time until the next season’s great Class of 62.

Heroes and Villains/Modern Men/Time On Our Hands
Coming 3 years after the most recent Christmas episode, Fatal Extraction, this was the incredible triumvirate that Sullivan planned on being the end to the show, culminating with the Trotters finally becoming the millionaires Del had always told them they’d be. And while all three are hysterical, particularly the iconic Batman & Robin scene (the subsequent scene of them showing up at the fancy dress party only to realize it's now a wake is, to me, actually funnier but I can't find a clip of it) and Rodney unwittingly calling in to apply for his own job (sorry no clip grrrr), what’s most remembered are the dramatic scenes – Del Boy talking to Rodney after Cassandra’s miscarriage (which incredibly ended with a top 5 comedy moment), Del Boy pretending the elevator was broken so he can finally get Rodney to talk about the miscarriage, and the three Trotters saying goodbye to their flat for the final time (but not before a tear-jerker of a scene when they get a standing ovation at the Nag's Head after becoming millionaires, in which John Sullivan was an extra because he thought it'd be the end of the series). OF COURSE it only takes them a coupla years to lose all their money and hafta slink back to Nelson Mandela House, all because of so much public outrage over the show ending and Sullivan agreeing to write three more specials. While I agree that the FINAL FINAL! three specials aren’t up to snuff as the Heroes and Villains/Modern Men/Time On Our Hands run, and the whole thing should’ve ended with the first ending, I’m more than happy to get 3+ more hours of the show any way I can.

Homesick/Healthy Competition/Friday the 14th
The only run of 30-minutes episodes on this list, these three opened season 3 with a bang. Homesick featured classic Del manipulating Rodney while showcasing how much he cares for Grandad, Healthy Competition has one of my favorite scenes, when Rodney and the finally-seen-on-screen Mickey Pearce are duped into buying broken lawnmower parts from, of course, Del, and features what is considered by the actors to be the biggest laugh of the whole run.

The line "What you got, Rodney? A Wendy House?" got an enormous laugh from the audience. The laugh went on so long, it threatened to run into the next episode. David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst had to ride with it and try not to join in. Later, Jason said "That's it. I'm resigning. Nick Lyndhurst and myself have worked our socks off all evening for this show. Lennard Pearce hasn't said a bloody word - and then he just says "Wendy House" and he gets the biggest laugh I've ever heard in my life." After that, a new ratings system for laughter on the show was invented, based on its Wendy-ness. A decent laugh was a mini-Wendy. A good laugh was a sub-Wendy. An all-out Wendy or a full-blown Wendy was the best to hope for, like the Holy Grail. Jason admitted whenever a Wendy came, it was Pearce's line when he was on the show. 

Tho you hafta be British to get the joke at first. And Friday the 14th is just flat-out one of my favorite episodes of the whole series – just laugh out loud funny, and there’s a warmth to the cabin setting.

Happy National Siblings Day

Here's some advice from Del Boy to Rodders. Enjoy!

Smithy & Smithy

According to Twitter today is National Siblings Day, which is as good an excuse as any to post this. Enjoy!

Trump and Having to Win

Rick Reilly has written a book on how much Trump cheats at golf, and what it says about him as a person. Here’s an excerpt:

He cheats. He lies. He kicks. And not just his ball—yours, too. He props up a 2.8 handicap that’s faker than WrestleMania 35. He wins tournaments he never even played in. He wins tournaments that weren’t even held.

He does all of this because he has to win. A loss is to Donald Trump what a shower is to the Wicked Witch of the West. He has to win no matter how much cheating, lying, and pencil erasing it takes. He has to win whether you’ve caught him or not. Maybe it was his father beating into his kid brain, Win, win, win. Be a winner, over and over.

I believe this idea that Trump has to win, has to be a winner, is misleading. The point is literally the opposite.

Look, Michael Jordan was famously competitive – he had to win. But how he did that was by killing himself practicing and bugging you to keep playing him until he actually won. Trump does none of this – he either blatantly cheats so it’s impossible for any other outcome or worse, he simply SAYS he won even though no such thing occurred. That’s not someone who “has to win”, that’s just someone who has to SAY he won. This is misleading, and by repeating such a thing actually makes Trump seem like he is a winner, when he’s clearly not.

Sceenplay Idea

Screenplay idea: girl sees a guy's arm bruised from a needle, thinks he's a heroin-addicted "bad" boy with a dark side and falls in love with him. 50 years after they're married she finds out it was just from him getting routine bloodwork done. ka-CHING!!!!

OFAH du Jour

Episodes I recognize as referenced in the painting:

Dates
The Unlucky Winner Is…
Sleeping Dogs Lie
Cash and Curry
Time On Our Hands
Heroes and Villains
A Losing Streak
The Jolly Boys’ Outing

Oh Camon People

You know I love me some Best British Sitcom of All Time lists, and another one just dropped. I don't love Fawlty Towers as much as a lot of folks but I don't have a problem with it winning, but Only Fools and Horses at #6? THAT gets an eyeroll!

Here's the order I'd put them in. You're welcome.

Only Fools and Horses
Gavin and Stacey
The Vicar of Dibley
I'm Alan Partridge
Blackadder
Fawlty Towers
Peep Show
Porridge
The Royle Family
Detectorists
The Good Life
Absolutely Fabulous
Father Ted
The Thick of It
Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

Haven’t watched enough to rank:
The Young Ones
The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin
Dad's Army
Dinnerladies
The Office

OFAH Tournament...aaaaaand the Winner Is....

Strained Relations!

As the show's first episode Big Brother is fantastic, but Strained Relations just had too much going for it: opening with Grandad's funeral mere days after Lennard Pearce's actual funeral, introducing the world to Uncle Albert, and Del's monologue to Rodney below, which may be the best scene of the entire run. So many of these match-ups were hard as hell, but I'm content with the final match-up. :)

OFAH EPISODE TOURNAMENT - Final is Set!!!

We made it all the way, people - it’s Big Brother vs. Strained Relations in the battle of the century! The last few rounds were brutal, and so is this one. The winner to this classic will be revealed.... tomorrow!!!

Only Fools du Jour

David Jason famously decided to leave Only Fools and Horses after Season 5, making Who Wants to Be A Millionaire the final ever episode. Creator/writer John Sullivan was crushed at the thought of ending the show but respected Jason’s decision to move on. THANKFULLY, Jason changed his mind, opening the door to 2 more seasons and 14 more Christmas specials. Incredibly, here are some of the the super-classic episodes that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t changed his mind:

Dates (Del Boy never would’ve never tried a dating agency and met Raquel!!)
Yuppy Love (Rodney never would’ve met Cassandra, and we would’ve been denied the most famous scene in sitcom history.)
Danger UXD
Chain Gang
Little Problems (no wedding for Rodders!)
The Jolly Boy’s Outing
Heroes and Villains (no classic Batman & Robin scene!)
Modern Men (would’ve missed the greatest instant switch from poignancy to comedy in the series)
Time on Our Hands (Trotters never woulda become millionaires!)
If They Could See Us Now (Trotters never would’ve instantly lost their millions!)
Sleepless in Peckham (mystery re: Rodney’s father would’ve never been solved!)

AND we'd never have gotten to see this gem with David Beckham!

OFAH Episode Tournament - Final Four is Set!

This Elite 8 was brutal. Every matchup was a classic. This is draining me!!

Xmastime Memory Lane

Let's go back to 2007, where we met....Corey!

I've cried and bitched before on this blog about the numb-fuck retardedness of every bagger I seem to encounter at the grocery store these days; vacant eyes of indifference dimly lit as these chutterfucks stare ahead, barely bothering to seperate my Breyer's vanilla ice cream from a log that is on fire, all while wondering why they have three pennies in their "tip jar." I've given up even dreaming of getting a "hi howareya" from any of them, or being given the vague pretense of giving two shits if my stuff got bagged at all.

That's changed.

I got a favorite bagger! My last coupla trips to Topps Grocery I've had the pleasure of having my groceries bagged by Corey. Corey is a chubby little black kid, looks like he's maybe 10 or 11, smile always beaming, always happy to see you. Oh, and I have no idea what his name is, but Corey fits for me. You walk up and Corey's all "hi, how ya doin mister?!" You're caught off guard by his friendliness, and you watch him pin his ears back as he is determined to have all your stuff bagged JUST right. He hustles, and then he beams again "Have a great day!!" as he hands the bags to you and you're helpless not to drop in every penny you've ever earned in your life in the tip jar - if this kid ever gets a hold of seperate credit card machine he can use for his tips, he's wiping out the neighborhood, I'm telling you. Just the other day I did the once-unimaginable: finishing up my shopping, I was counting up what I was gonna be paying and what I had in my pocket when I found myself thinking "well, and I'm gonna wanna have enough left over for Corey of course." Kid's a genius!

Another thing I like is that a little kid whom I've picked up to be Corey's little brother sometimes bags the line next to Corey, and Corey is almost constantly talking out of the side of his mouth barking at the kid, and it sounds like some 1950's company man at the office. "Customer's always right!" is the message he is always pushing, and it's a crack-up to watch him lambaste his little brother the whole time. "Speed up!" "Stand up straight!" "I don't care what happened, it's your fault! Get it right next time!!!" etc etc. Kills me. But what's REALLY funny is Corey thinks he's being sly, thinks only his brother can hear his out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth whispers. But you can stand about 15 feet away and hear everything he says perfectly, which makes for pure entertainment. Corey should be the owner of a hardware store in 1952. "We don't have the right size!??!? I'm outraged! We'll have it tomorrow, on the house!!!"

The world needs more Coreys. I know the job sucks, most do. But by exerting just a bit of extra effort at the job, Corey's gonna end up buying the whole damn store. I fucking hope so. 

I wonder what happened to that kid. I'll never know. But I've always remembered this post.

OFAH Episode Tournament Update

Lotta tough picks this round. A Touch of Glass vs. Modern Men could be the final. Now onto the Elite Eight!!!!