To celebrate watching the first season reunion, here are some old Xmastme posts you're welcome!!
* Was treated to the newest installment of “The Real World” this weekend, this time MTV is really sticking it to them and making the kids rough it out in…Key West. Hey, is “The Real World” the most ironically named show of all time? A few things that bother me about “The Real World”:
a. Unless you grew up under a rock in Siberia or, worse, Kansas, you’ve seen the fucking show. Every year they get some humungous, tricked-out fantasy house that’s amazing – has a pool, big aquarium, John Candy stuffed and mounted on the mantle, whatever. But EVERY FUCKING YEAR we gotta spend half the first episode watching these idiots sprinting from room to room shrieking “OHMYGODLOOKITTHISHOUSEITSAMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!” no shit, dumbass. So were the first 16 houses. Knock it off and hurry up to the obligatory first-episode hot tub scene so we can find out which chick is the one with the “serious boyfriend” who of course ends up fucking everybody in sight for 5 months – all part, of course, of her “learning to grow and like myself as a person, and learning to live all by myself.” Hahahaha!! I love how there’s always that one chick who decides she’s gonna “take time off” from her bf so that she can prove to herself and everybody else that dammit, she can be independent!! Ahhhmmm, sweetheart…you’re being propped up by MTV for 22 weeks- sleeping til 4pm every day, drinking a ton of free booze and fucking everything in sight while wearing a band aid over your titties in the hot tub. I’m not sure that’s considered “making it on your own” as much as “being a complete, filthy slut.” But hey, what do I know.
b. I also love these “jobs” they give these assholes. My two favorites were the cast of Las Vegas - “hosting” parties, wherein the girls would dress like sluts and get drunk and the boys would grind on said “employees”, and last season in Austin where they have to…fuck, did anyone ever catch what they were supposed to do? Something like photograph a band from SXSW. Hmm. Tough one. Other classics of course include San Diego (“Your job is to learn to ride around in a big boat”) and Paris, where they acted as “travel writers” meaning they went to bars thoughout the city and “wrote reviews” about them. Hmm. Has anybody seen this collection of works published? Yes? No? Does it really matter anyways, when Adam’s dad knows Lionel Richie? Just once I’d like to see where all the kids are sitting together all fired up about finding out what there job is gonna be, and then it’s revealed…ta-da! Slaughterhouse! For the next 4 months you’ll be pulling out pig rectums!! Welcome to the real world, fuckheads!!!! Ironically, of course, there’s always at least one douchebag that has to get fired from these “jobs” because he just cant get his ass out of bed after a night of pounding vodka and crying into his roommates shoulder how much he has grown to love/respect him over the last 4 weeks. Between that and puking, who the fuck’s got time for work? Hall of Fame Award here goes to Montana, who got fired for actually giving wine to children. God bless you, Montana. You’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re worthless but you have managed to find yourself in the RW HOF for both “Best Reason for Getting Fired” and “Best Phone Conversation”, ie of course the one where she goes out on a date on Valentine’s Day and then pretends to be shocked/chagrined when her boyfriend Vaj screams at her on the phone for 15 minutes merely repeating the word “whore!!!” over and over while she tries to butt in with “but…but I…but…”
c. Enough with the token gay dude. We get it. Yes, you can start out a season of “The Real World” as a homophobe and after 141 nights out at the local bar pounding blue drinks you can be the big man and announce that you’ve decided to respect his gay lifestyle. Great! Shouldn’t we be past this now – wasn’t Pedro, the Babe Ruth of gay Real Worlders, all the way back in 1993 or some such? 13 years later and all I’ll learned from these idiots they send up every year is that gay dudes are incredibly boring, they smile a lot, and they all seem to know tons about girls eating disorders. Great.
* Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.
* So MTV puts 7 twenty year olds in a house halfway around the world, and they spend the whole time hooking up with only each other? What the fuck is this? Do these people even leave the house? “Ooooh, I’m in Australia…seems like I should spend the whole time hooking up with this dude from Alabama; when’s the next time I’ll get to fuck an American?!?” You’re practically on another planet, wouldn’t you be at least a little curious what dating one of the natives would be like? For fuck’s sake. It’s like Bush, who has more money than God and every opportunity possible throughout his life but keeps giving jobs to whatever 4 people he knows from the Fuddruckers in Texas. Camon. Take a look around, people.
*Within hours of meeting his new roommates and being filmed 24/7, Ty from this season's Real World cast tells the 2nd-hottest bitch his story about being an orphan, how he was abandoned by his mother, and how that's made him feel, like at any moment for the rest of his life he'll be abandoned again, and how all of that feels etc etc etc.
Then we overhear him narrating to the camera, and he says that he's built up walls around himself, and has a hard time opening up to people.
Umm...what? I don't wanna be "old crusty guy,"but that seems pretty fucking "open" to me. I mean, did you shoot JFK; is that what your hiding?
Watching isn't making me nostalgic for the 90s but it is making me nostalgic for a time when people my age apparently ate spaghetti three meals a day.
November 18, 2009 (my RW ladies!)
I'm almost serious re: why isn't there some sort of definitive
documentary on this series? As goofy as it's become, it WAS a pioneering
show, and there must be some value in it somewhere. And I don't mean
some stupid fucking MTV one; I mean some 8-hour in-depth joint with Leiv
Schrieber narrating. Let's make this happen!
Right now I've gotta work on
1) Top 5 Mrs. Xmastimes from the show (Colie, a lá HERE, still #1? Hmm.)
2) Top 5 Bitches I fucking hate
3) Top 5 Dudes I like, seem like would be cool to hang out with
4) Top 5 Dudes I fucking hate
5) Top 5 Chicks I'd love to bang, but wouldn't buy white bread for
6) Least Surprising Chick who comes into the show with a SERIOUS
boyfriend, but wants to be "her own woman," and turns into a raving
whore within a week
7) REALLY Least Surprising Chick who comes into the show with a SERIOUS
boyfriend, but wants to be "her own woman," and turns into a raving
whore within a week
8) Hottest Overall, Chicks-Wise (PROBABLY Vegas vs. Australia, but I gotta do my research on this one, can't go shooting my mouth off like an idiot here.)
9) LEAST Hottest Overall (ie whichever cast Montana was in)
10) Favorite Moment
And now that it's dominated by reality shows, people will try to blame The Real World for MTV's artistic plunge; but again, it's hard to believe how different that show was when it started. Young, idealistic, curious people thrown together and spending hours on end talking about what they thought the world was or could be, just like any of us was doing at the same time in the halls of our dorms. Of course it fairly quickly morphed into "outrageously hot people hooking up underneath rivers of free booze, all very aware of which character they were to play, be it angry black guy who does not wanna be "the angry black guy," girl taking break from boyfriend to "show she can have her independence!" who fucks everyone in sight and then gets pissed when he bf isn't thrilled with that, the gay guy who won't come out to his family but doesn't mind doing it in front of the world, the "musician" who is excited because gee, all of a sudden record labels/industry people are interested in his "music," the girl who cries a lot and then leaves, etc etc. I mean, looking back, those first few seasons play like Masterpiece Theater to today's Jackass IV.
What's funny is every Elizabeth Gaskell short story is like a season of The Real World to me. As I start each story, at page one I'm like "oh, this one's gonna suck, I'm not gonna care about these people" etc. By page three I'm pissed re: "what the fuck is going on, nothing's happening, I'm completely confused, this is stupid fuck this..." and then of course by page 5 I'm completely hooked on the characters, I think they're my real friends and by the end I'm heartbroken it's over and already insisting there's no way I'll care about the next story as much as this one. Kicking off the cycle again, of course.
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