The Only Gang Who Would Ever Have Me as a Member 🤗🥲

Ideas. I Have Them.

They should take all of Susie's Curb Your Enthusiasm outfits from over the years & make a Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover out of them.

Current Events, with Xmastime

"The cruelties and the obstacles of this swiftly changing planet will not yield to obsolete dogmas and outworn slogans. It cannot be moved by those who cling to a present which is already dying, who prefer the illusion of security to the excitement and danger which comes with even the most peaceful progress. This world demands the qualities of youth: not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease."

Yeeeeeeeep.

I demand nothing less than 100% judicial process for all of Trump's trials to the point of exhaustion - I'm not one of these "fuck it why bother, let the people determine if he goes to jail or not in November at the ballot box!" idiots - but I also think it's healthy for fellow liberals to remember that right now Trump has 6 people sitting on the Supreme Court just waiting for all of the cases to arrive at their feet and they happen to be 6 people who will eat Trump's farts if that's what he wants, so.

Leave Home & Road to Ruin

The Ramones would have had "Burger King" mentioned on three straight albums had they not dropped the ball between those two albums on Rocket to Russia.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you say the same thing about the Celtics and the Lakers?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did: 

One of the greater tragedies in the history of the NBA is that the Lakers inexplicably didn't make it to the 1986 Finals, where they would've faced the best team I had ever seen, the Celtics. That would've meant that after 1987 they would've met four straight times, and probably splitting at 2-2 and spinning the argument into more of a fever re: who was better, Bird or Magic etc. Playing the Rockets was an anti-climactic, blah affair for that Celtics team.

Why Not

Here's an outtake from the world's greatest grilled cheese sandwich, ever.

Movie Idea.

Billy Preston walks into EMI Recording Studios for his next recording session and finds four English dudes sitting there, hilarity ensues.

Questions. I Have Them.

Where's my 10-part Netflix series KISS, the Non-Makeup Years (and ONLY the Non-Makeup Years!?

I Can't Believe I'm Helping the GOP, but...

...maybe if Kristi Noem shoots another dog and brings it to Trump in her mouth like the birddog she always wished Cricket could be then all will be forgiven? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Questions. I Have Them.

What’s the record for longest time someone’s gotten up during an important business meeting without saying a word, went and took a dump, and then came back and sat down in the meeting without saying a word?

MY KING

 

MAGA Is a Cult of Idiots

The only difference between Trump’s cult & Jim Jones' cult is that Jim Jones killed himself along with his followers.

OOOOOOH Yeah!!!

Oh oh looks like there's only 16 24-hour diners left in The Great Diner State of New Jersey. 😬

And YES, dear readers, this DOES sound like a case for the WAKE UP NEW JERSEY! crew!! 🤗🕺

HERE'S THE LINK IF THE VIDEO BECOMES UNAVAILABLE, YOU'RE WELCOME VERY MUCH!

Standup Comedy

Nobody’s ever held more contempt for their chosen profession while being terrible at it who was then rewarded by getting millions of dollars to talk about it like Marc Maron.

Two Things About Taylor Swift I'm Mildly Curious About

I don't wanna be the old man screaming off his porch "you kids don't know music!" and I don't begrudge Taylor Swift anything, but:

1. for a woman as objectively good-looking as she is there's no sexual heat to her

2. does she have have a song that's transcended her own fan base? Does she have a Hungry Like the Wolf or You're So Vain, where you don't hafta know or care about the artist but you know every second of the song anyway?

🤔

Current Events, with Xmastime!

Maybe someone can give him an Ipad so he'll be quiet & behave? #ToddlerInChief

Office Goals. I Have Them.

At some point today I wanna look like I'm totally overwhelmed with exhaustion so someone asks “wow, big night last night?” and I can instantly & solemnly answer “got into some crazy pussy” before just continuing on doing whatever I was doing.

See Deez Nuts

Is it weird that we use 14 out of the 26 letters in our alphabet individually as complete words? That seem high to anybody else? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Grilled Cheese Update

As per HERE, may I now introduce you to Virginia Before West Virginia Broke Off.

Enjoy, people!

State du Moi

Bringing your lunch from home means there is a monumental shift that happens when the clock goes from 11:29am to 11:30am.

MUST Be Nice...

One of the many, many, MANY incredible benefits of being in the The Beatles was not only getting to meet your idols but then watching them cover your songs, and of course Elvis was THE # 1 idol for them so it’s not hard to imagine how thrilling this must have been for Paul McCartney, even by 1970.

Elvis Presley rehearsing The Beatles’ song “Yesterday” in 1970 pic.twitter.com/MwMZpgpIaR

— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) April 30, 2024

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

Any Kristi Noem public appearance that goes by without someone making cricket noises should be considered a betrayal to all the dogs we’ve loved and all the dogs who have loved us.

Questions. I Have Them.

Is Frank Costanza's voice message on Jerry's phone the funniest off-screen line delivery in television history?

Insta du Jour

Piccadilly Circus Underground Station - Miroslav Sasek, 1959

Hollywood Questions. I Have Them.

Have these two guys ever worked together, and why not?

Good News for Good People! And You!

If you LOVED my genre-shattering grilled cheese video last week then you'll love that I am now offering a service in which I will send you a grilled cheese sandwich I've bitten into the shape of your home state. First up: Virginia!

Okay I’ll Say It…

…pretty proud of this one. YOU’RE WELCOME EARF!!

Newest Entry into the “Moment You Realize the Book You’re Reading Rather Incredibly Belies the Frame You Just Happened to Freeze the TV On” Hall of Fame

 

Close Call du Jour

If David Lowery had gotten this job as (checks notes) (checks notes again) fucking math nerd then we would never have gotten Telephone Free Landslide Victory, one of the greatest debut albums of all time (and part of my Magical 1985!).

That's some scary shit, ya'll.

Get Back (to Goddam Font Colors That Makes Goddam Sense)

I've only ever had two beefs with Peter Jackson's beyond-brilliant Get Back, and one of them is his super-curious decision during the dramatic John & Paul cafeteria discussion to choose font colors for the subtitles so that they're super-easy to get lost in the background. I mean dafuck Peter Jackson??

Dad Jokes. I Have Them.

I'd be a terrible father because I'm almost 52 years old and nobody fucks with the thermostat more than I do. NOBODY.

The Role of Xmastime as Curmudgeonly Father Played Here 

by Marley, 3-Time Father of the Week Winner

Copycats

 In the year 2008, I wrote brilliantly & thusly:

I still can record my "Album of Iconic Titles." I record an album, whatever the songs themselves may be, and then just make all the titles names of songs that are already ridiculously iconic and timestamped into the planet's brains. It might look like this:

1) She Loves You
2) Like a Rolling Stone
3) Blue Suede Shoes
4) Like a Virgin
5) Louie Louie
6) Paradise by the Dashboard Light
7) Born in the...READ MORE

Aaaaaaaaaaaand now according to the New York Times - or as I call it, The Times - it looks like they're doing the same thing with novels now:

"My name being Blithering Idiot..." dafuck???

God & Life & Art

A few days ago I wrote brilliantly & thusly:

When I was a younger man I wondered if when I got older I'd still care about art in its many forms; now I'm 51 & that's ALL I care about.

Aaaaaaand now of course we see an article in The New Yorker has stolen straight from me 😡😡😡😡:

Growing up, Wiseman says, he was taught that earthly love could distract you from God. Later, as an agnostic artist, he arrived at an analogous conclusion: that life was a distraction from art.

I mean okay it was from the December 11, 2023 issue and mine was just from Saturday but still.

10 Years Ago Today on Xmastime

 

Asshole du Jour

Guy who's walking jjuuuuuuuuust far enough behind you in your journey leaving a large office building, you hold each door open for him as he trails along in your wake and when you finally get to a double set of doors at the end you're like "oh good now this guy's just gonna go to the other set of doors and stop following me so we hafta do this fucking door dance again" but of course he keeps fucking walking right behind you and so one last time you've gotta stand there holding the fucking door for this asshole like you're walking the goddam Queen of England through a parade.

EGG FOO WHAT?! for You Nice People

RE: MY MENTION ON @EggFooWhat:

For 23 years I've blathered re: when I threw my shirt at Joe Strummer at Irving Plaza. This is the exact moment, at 1:05. The internet's scary & now there's video of him reacting to me taking my shirt off (0:39) @APMike https://t.co/REetQzxdCE

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) April 29, 2024

What's the Deal with Bullshit?

I love Jerry Seinfeld but this whole thing he's doing now of courting piece of shit Republicans after a half-century of fucking cereal jokes by trying to hitch a ride on the current "canceled!! PC!" crap is absolute & total bullshit on his end.

His fantasy of dirty hippies singing Kumbaya being the ones making the decisions re: what goes on tv is absurd, it's rich, old, white motherfuckers in charge whose entire raison d'etre is squeezing any life out of a creative project if it means saving one more penny. So he can go fuck himself w/this shit.

Also, Happy 70th Birthday today Jerry Seinfeld.

Statements. I Make Them.

I understand he may not be "your guy" but anyone who wasns't blown away by Joe Biden & his story on Howard Stern is just a fucking asshole.

A Compendium of My Tweets as I was Watching the Bon Jovi Doc on Hulu This Weekend

11 minutes in and if I hear the words “work ethic” one more time I’m pulling this fucking Internet off the goddam road

I have no beef with Bon Jovi but watching him work so hard trying to show you that he deserves his success is fucking E. X. H. A. U. S. T. I. N. G.

Does he have AIDS? He keeps alluding to some hospital stay did I miss something? I’m like bro I know you're perfectly fine today are you trying to make me feel bad? Dafuck Bon Jovi?

This Bon Jovi doc makes Some Kind of Monster look like Get Back I mean ffs guys

Wait did I miss something are we supposed to believe that Bon Jovi himself still has no idea why Richie quit the band he’s all like 🤷‍♂️ I mean come the fuck on already guys

The new guitar player just made a big defiant “this is OUR house!” and I was like ok cool then he said “and all of you guys are in the house!!” so now I’m like wait what?

Bon Jovi seems to be under the impression that people have historically bought music based on their impression of how hard the artist worked on said music. 

How’s this thing end? Bon Jovi blows his brains out because he can’t hit the high note anymore? I mean come the fuck on already

And, of course:

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME” pic.twitter.com/VPc3BbRSBx

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) April 28, 2024

EGG FOO WHAT?! du Jour

Welcome to THE EGG FOO WHAT?! STUFFING WARS!!!

Wegmans vs. StoveTop - who will reign above all others in the stuffing realm?!?! 🤗🕺😎

Questions. I Have Them.

How awesome would it have been if the entire final episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm was all about the dramatic return of Harry Hamlin as “Dog”?

Long Story Short...

...yes, I've been dating again.

Xmastime Worlds Colliding! 🤗

Earlier today I was listening to the Bon Jovi episode of Smartless - believe me, I will have more to say about that trash doc sometime later today - when I heard Will Arnett say this:

Xmastime · WA 2

Which thrills me because  now I get to wonder if Arnett's a big fan of Only Fools and Horses - it's possible, since he's from Canada! - based on this line from Del Boy in 1990's Rodney Come Home:

No Big Whoop...

...but apparently there's someone trapped under my hall rug. 😮😳😬

Asshole du Jour

The asshole standing in front of the elevator but hasn't pushed the button yet so now I hafta look like an asshole for walking by and hitting the button myself in front of them. 😡😡😡😡

It's a Butter Life

One of my favorite episodes of Kitchen Nightmares has always been The Fenwick Arms, due to Gordon's THE CAMPAIGN FOR REAL GRAVY. So much in fact it's inspired me to start my own campaign, THE CAMPAIGN FOR KEEPING BUTTER OUT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE SO IT'S BEAUTIFULLY SOFT WHEN YOU'RE MAKING TOAST:

And YES people of course I recommend only with a butter dish, I am not an animal who is fueled creatively by stupid dairy decisions.

JOIN ME, PEOPLE, ON THE CAMPAIGN FOR KEEPING BUTTER OUT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE SO IT'S BEAUTIFULLY SOFT WHEN YOU'RE MAKING TOAST!!!!

Dead Letter Office

Yesterday was the 37th anniversary of the release of R.E.M.'s odds & sods catch-all Dead Letter Office. It's a throwaway album but it's always meant a lot to me; as a brand new 14 year-old R.E.M. fan it had some great shit along with some not-so-great shit, it slammed home to me what an incredible singer Michael Stipe was and maybe most importantly, gave me the same introduction to the Velvet Underground as with thousands of other college rock fans of my generation.

It also will always be remembered for having some of my favorite liner notes from the always delightfully loquacious Peter Buck:

'I've always liked singles much more than albums.  A single has to be short, concise, and catchy, all values that seem to go out the window as far as albums are concerned.  But the thing I like most about singles is their ultimate shoddiness.  No matter how lavish the packaging, no matter what attention to detail, a '45 is still essentially a piece of crap usually purchased by teenagers.  This is why musicians feel free to put just about anything on the b-side; nobody will listen to it anyway, so why not have some fun.  You can clear the closet of failed experiments, badly written songs, drunken jokes, and occasionally, a worthwhile song that doesn't fit the feel of an album. This collection contains at least one song from each category.  It's not a record to be taken too seriously.  Listening to this album should be like browsing through a junkshop. Good hunting." -Peter Buck

  My favorite, and a comic structure I've personally stolen many times over the last 25 years:

Burning Hell: Sometimes you write a song without even trying to.  Sometime those songs are the very best ones.  That's not quite the case with this one however. 

The two other greatest liner notes of course are from Husker Du's Warehouse Songs and Stories and The Replacements' Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash. (Bob Dylan of course holds the record for the most fucking pointless liner notes of all time.)

My 5 Favorite Songs on Each Beatles Album

[NOTE: songs not listed in order of preference, just by track listing on their respective albums]

PLEASE PLEASE ME

I Saw Her Standing There
Misery
Please Please Me
P.S. I Love You
Twist and Shout

WITH THE BEATLES

Hold Me Tight
Not a Second Time
It Won't Be Long
All My Loving
Don't Bother Me

A HARD DAY’S NIGHT

I Should Have Known Better
If I Fell
I’ll Cry Instead
Things We Said Today
You Can’t Do That

BEATLES FOR SALE

No Reply
Baby’s In Black
I’ll Follow The Sun
Every Little Thing
I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party

HELP!

Help!
The Night Before
You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away
You’re Going To Lose That Girl
Ticket To Ride

RUBBER SOUL

Drive My Car
Nowhere Man
Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
The Word
In My Life

REVOLVER

Eleanor Rigby
And Your Bird Can Sing
For No One
Doctor Robert
Tomorrow Never Knows

SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
Getting Better
She’s Leaving Home
A Day In The Life

THE WHITE ALBUM (yes it’s a double album & I’m still keeping it down to Top 5 instead of Top 10 because that’s just the kind of real American badass I am, funk you very much)

Dear Prudence
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
I’m So Tired
Birthday
Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey

LET IT BE (that’s right I’m doing this & Abbey Road in the order they were recorded, not released; if that’s just too much for your little candy ass to handle then I suggest you move on along down the road apiece to another blog, funk you very much)

Two Of Us
Across The Universe
Let It Be
I’ve Got A Feeling
Get Back

ABBEY ROAD

Something
Oh! Darling
Here Comes The Sun
She Came In Through The Bathroom Window
Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End

AC Baby!

 Incredible thread here on the effects modern air-conditioning have had on architecture, politics & culture (to say nothing of my fucking sanity). Enjoy! And you're welcome, Earf!

It sounds like a boring topic, but air conditioning is more important than you realise.

First: there are 2 billion air con units in the world and they account for 10% of all electricity we use.

Second: it has revolutionised architecture and totally reshaped global politics... pic.twitter.com/3rivYWOzbC

— The Cultural Tutor (@culturaltutor) April 28, 2024

WHAT'S the Deal with the Edges of Greatness?

Watching all-time classic sports highlights, truly great moments of surprise and miracle, is a tremendous thing to behold. I've come to love watching not only the moment itself, but the seconds just beforehand. On film you can see the athlete standing there, nonplussed, his name so far not a household name. Even if he's a great player already he may not have had a single, defining moment that will be replayed on televisions until the end of time. I love these moments; in particular the truly desperate ones. While in hindsight we see the player as a hero who simply would not give up etc etc, you know that as the play begins he has no more of an idea that his own life is about to change as you may your own. Doug Flutie's a great example. Here's a play that ... - XMASTIME

Looks like Jerry Seinfeld agrees with me, but then it's probably just him copying me like when he stole one of my jokes.

A Few Thoughts on the Seinfeld Season 6, Episode 6 “The Gymnast”

They really shoulda sprinkled a few more of these "George tries to be sexy oh look Jerry flirts back with him OH MY GOD THEY'RE A COUPLA FAGS!!!" scenes throughout the series, if you ask me.

She gets a lot of attention for the Lloyd Braun scene - and rightfully so - but is this a tragically overlooked entry into the “Where the Fuck Was This Hot AF Elaine Hiding for Nine Goddam Years?” sweepstakes? 😡😡😡😡

 

 

This scene is famous for - and rightfully so - George eating an eclair out of the trash but meanwhile you can say what you will about George being an idiot and all but this is just a fucking Master Class in Comedy, a hang-his-retired-number-from-the-rafters performance that should be in the goddam Smithsonian. (Maybe a close second to a British cousin????!!)

And since we were speaking of hot af Elaine earlier I mean Dafuck I don’t remember having scenes like this in which her entire role is to just stand around being a fucking smoke show?????!?!

Statements. I Make Them.

Trying to make us believe he'd even heard of Party of Five much less was a fan of it is definitely the most absurd thing Larry David ever did on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Something You People Should Know About Me

In all my years of trying to do creative shit, the most pure form of feedback in any form was always whenever I'd show my band a new song I'd just written for the first time; for remember, there are no poker faces in rock.

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME”

Let Me Tell you People Something

This Doc motherfucker has more integrity in his stupid about-to-be-glue face than any of you people do in your entire goddam bodies.

Things I Think About

It's surprising that with as forgettable as most of his solo albums were Paul McCartney didn't spend more time putting his incredible gifts as a producer to use with other artists, which he pretty much never did. 🤔🤷‍♂️

My Latest Idea for a Country-Western Song Hit

"Say What You Will About Boy Meets World but That Eric Matthews Motherfucker Was Funny As Hell"

So Jealous 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Kristi Noem as a guest star on Paw Patrol. pic.twitter.com/oAH3yp61Nx

— Frank J. Fleming (@IMAO_) April 27, 2024

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLet's Get Ready to Rumblllllllllllle!!!!!

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

When I was a younger man I wondered if when I got older I'd still care about art in its many forms; now I'm 51 & that's ALL I care about.

Incredible du Jour.

Same.

Curb Your Fucking Trail Mix

Turns out that Larry David really gets me when it comes to Trail Mix. 😡😡😡😡

A Note on Music Theory

I don't think a lot of people understand how dramatically jumping right back into the verse after the first chorus can help a song go from a 7 to a 9, easy as pie. I'll use these two examples to demonstrate my thesis; the first from legendary British band The Kinks and the second by legendary 100 Metropolitan Avenue band Hayday.

[NOTE: grrrrrr....I had to remove The Kinks' Dead End Street due to copyright bullshit grrrr)

Xmastime · MS- Hayday 2

Unbelievably Believable

Kristi Noem [FULL DISCLOSURE: I would do her] has big plans for national office as a young GOP superstar which means of course she just put out a memoir, and in it she includes a story of shooting her 14-month old dog because it wasn't doing a good enough job as a hunting dog:

She was roundly condemned as a “sadist” and “puppy killer” on social media as news of the story spread. But she seems to be tapping into the controversy to peddle copies of her book, writing on X: “If you want more real, honest, and politically INcorrect stories that’ll have the media gasping, preorder ‘No Going Back.’”

I have 100% faith that not a single Republican will spend even a second of self-reflection to consider what kind of asshole you have to be such that someone brags about a story of themselves willfully shooting a puppy to death because they think it will impress you. Incredible.

Hope's a Wonderful Thing.

For the three days of the week I go into the office for work I take the Metro, which is about an 8-minute walk from my apartment building. Throughout almost the entire walk you can see when the train comes pulling up to the station, and I've learned that unless I'm about 20 steps from the escalator down to the train I'm not gonna catch it, so there's no point in bothering to panic & speed up if I do see it while I'm walking.

The other day about a minute into the walk I sensed someone walking up behind me, and became greatly annoyed as he seemed to want to sidle up next to me and start fucking chatting. Before I could do an oh HELL no and quickly disabuse him of such a terrifying notion, we both saw the train coming towards the station. We're not even close to halfway there so it didn't even occur to me to speed up, and besides that I was focused on working up enough Jedi mind control steam to make this motherfucker disappear.

Which, incredibly, is exactly happened:

Just as I was about to declare my entire day officially ruined, I heard him shout "oh shit!" and just like that he took off like a jackrabbit, presumably expecting to catch the train despite not being able to run at the speed of light. I felt a mixture of relief, "fuck you!", and mild bemusement in a "go get 'em, kid!" way even though I knew that when I finally ambled down into the station to wait for the train he'd be standing right there waiting for it too.

A Day in the Life, with Xmastime

Here's an inside peak into what a day in the life of me in a work meeting looks like. You're welcome, Earf!

USA! USA! USA!

In only about 120 years as a society we've sprinted from the concept of noblesse oblige (I was born into great wealth & therefore it is my duty to take care of those less fortunate than me) to American Dream success stories like Joe Kennedy (I will use this great country to make a kazillion dollars and in return will demand my children commit themselves to public service with the intention of helping those less fortunate than themselves) to today where we have Super Shitheads (it is our duty under God to do whatever we can to make the incredibly super-rich slightly more incredibly super-rich by doing everything we can to convince the least fortunate among us to transfer what little wealth they had upwards into the hands of the incredibly super-rich).

Way to go guys. Awesome.

Oh FFS du Jour

Whenever a black guy gets shot to death for no reason by the cops we eventually find a "reason" like oh he sold a joint once or he was late returning a library book eight years ago so we can tell ourselves the cops were justified and meanwhile Trump is stomping around whichever one of the 100 courtrooms he's supposed to be in at any given moment flopping his genitals everywhere daring someone to punish him for crimes we have perfectly documented on video & audio and it's all all we can do is twist ourselves in knots desperately trying to find a way to keep him from being punished. It's insane.

Happy 91st Birfday Carol Burnett!!

There are a few people who have done nothing but make the entire world a better place, and Carol Burnett is one of them. 🤗❤️🤣🤣

I Miss You, China Taste

Here's what I wrote 15 years ago about China Taste, my first go-to Chinese restaurant when I moved to Williamsburg, that I talked about with Mike on this week's episode of EGG FOO WHAT?!

Kinda crazy how many things from the post are still hot topics for me on he show.

Enjoy! 😜😜🕺🥡🥡

So today let's all raise a pork bun to my #1 all-time greasy Chinese joint in all of NYC. Godspeed, China Taste. You're going to that Great Wok in the Sky. Every time I hear a knock on the door, I will secretly pray it's you. And I will have my pants on. For the love of god and all I know sacred, I will have my pants on...CONTINUE READING

XMASTIME 15 Years Ago Today #XOTD2009

Ahhh yes, the Swine Boy Origin Story! 

When I moved to NYC over 11 years ago, the first job I had was graphic designer for a string of copy shops in mid-town. Coming from Virginia was bad enough, but I had just come from living in Mississippi for 2 years, so the people I worked with got a kick out of me being the resident Jethro straight-off-the-farm; they were probably mildly amused I was familiar with indoor plumbing.

For some reason, my first week there I literally broke every thing I touched. Computer, printer, 2 copy machines, the fax. My beefy paws touched it, it broke, finally prompting Parish, the copy machine tech guy who was from Trinidad and every single thing he said was funny, to blurt out "Dammit, you hafta be careful with the equipment, you're not back on the farm wrestling hogs Swine Boy!!" From then on, I was "Swine Boy."

🐷🤗🕺🤣

OK I Really Wanted to Let This One Go But They Pushed Me Goddammit 😡😡😡😡

Interviewer: Which breakfast cereal mascot would you most want to punch in the face?
Sarah Cooper: oh my God you know, Count Chocula because I don't like math

I know it's a light "who cares?" interview but her hack joke about Count Chocula is beyond hacky; I know it's an easy go-to for comedians to do the ol' "don't make me do math!" trope but Count Chocula has nothing to do with counting, that's the Count from Sesame Street (my favorite Sesame Street character!), and I'm putting the other 2 guys on blast for not jumping in and pointing this out. 😡😡😡😡

Seinfeld on Comedy

Earlier today I mentioned getting to hear Joe Strummer talk about The Ramones being pure magic & I have to say the exact same thing about Jerry Seinfeld talking about the role of comedy & class in America. Fascinating.

Comedy really defined the first moment in American culture where we really created a context for upward mobility. I mean, that was the whole idea of America. Let's have a place where you rise and fall based on your ability and eliminate the class system. So people were encouraged to kind of step up, and let's see what you have, and that is the comedic metaphor, really, is if you think you can do this, go ahead. Standup comedy is wide open. You don't have to know anybody. You don't have to have connections. You don't have to be trained. They just go, well, get up there. So, and I think Americans kind of like that. That's our country. That's what we love about it. It's like, you wanna do something? Go ahead, try it. If you can do it, you're in, you can't, you're out.

Enough is Enough Already

I wanna believe it was always said earnestly and I am not shitting on any drummers out there, including Stewart Copeland, but can we declare a fucking moratorium on the whole "drummers wanting to show you how adorkable they are by claiming Animal from The Muppets is an actual drumming influence" thing? I mean can we just stop it? It's cute & sweet but it's completely played out and now completely reeks of bullshit & I think we should all just move the fuck on already, can we do this please? Thanks!

O. M. G.

I'VE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE: I used both cold & warm butter to make the single greatest grilled cheese of all time!! Don't believe it? Hear it for yourself!! #eggfoowhat 🤗🧈🧈

A Quick Note of Worry for You People (You're Welcome)

I really wanna see it but the desperate needy marketing of the new Seinfeld pop tart movie has me worried; I sniffed that bullshit out with Anchorman 2 and I don’t mind saying it would break my heart a little bit if I start sniffing it a little too much here. 😔 Fingers crossed!

Questions. I Have Them.

Why is it that when some old motherfucker tries to explain how begrudgingly they're okay with gay people or any other "nontraditional" sexual relationship they dismiss their intimate relations by always using the phrase, "get up to", as in "hey, I don't care what they get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom"? The hit rate for this is like 100%, and I've literally never heard any of them refer to heterosexual activity in such a way, so...dafuck? 🤔🤷‍♂️

OH COME ON WORDLE I WAS JOKING!!!! 😲😬

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME”

One Thing You People Should Know About Me

I was never what would you call a Sonic Youth fan other than Teenage Riot as you already know but you're goddam right I was totally 1000% madly in love with Kim Gordon because hey - breaking news - I have eyeballs.

A Probably Too-Hot-For-You-People Take on Michael Scott

I mean I understand he’s history’s greatest monster and of course he instantly became horrible right after but let me be a beacon of light in letting the record show that he DID make sure Phyllis was okay first, so.

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

Joe Strummer talking about The Ramones is exactly one thing, and that one thing is "pure magic".

Documentaries I'd Watch, Vol. XVII

A documentary on the really young kids who fell in love with The Office & then started their first real job after college thinking that's how offices really are and are shocked on Day 1 to learn otherwise; I'd totally watch that shit.

Goals. I Have Them.

I want to matter-of-factly drop "Camden Town" into regular conversation.

Oh No.

Okay even as someone who grew up worshipping Bill Cosby and had his heart broken by his offscreen raping stuff I hafta say I draw the line at him teaching Rudy how he was doing it to these poor women the whole time. 😡

Felt Good a Year Ago, Feels Good Now. 🥲🤗❤️

I Mean This Just Seems Incredibly Unlikely, Right? 😡😡😡😡

Fantasy Time, with Xmastime!

Today was BRING YOUR KID TO WORK DAY! which was a lot of fun, especially because there's an entire room of free retro arcade games in the building but there was one kid gong on & on bragging about all the video games he won against all the other kids & all the free donuts he housed all the day long & it was all I could within my own strength to chop down on my tongue & not say "yeah well they pay me $_______ to be here so I'm not sweatin' it either you little shit."

Something You Should Know About Me

Over on Insta they know me as "edgy", so.

KILL ROCK CITY ONLY AT #11?!?!??!!?

UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaand....

...we have 6 people who are just sitting & waiting to be able to agree with him. 😡

"And Just Like That, Paul Knew How He'd Get Revenge on Michael Jackson"

Yep...

...you're goddam right that if it’s a Ralph-centric episode I’m legally obligated to watch.

Grrrrrr.

If fugly Season 14 Michael Scott looks at me one more time I swear to Christ I will pull this goddam train over. 

YASSS PLEASE! (Except the shitty tv, obvs)

Keep It Up, Rock & Roll

The correct answer would normally be the Motörhead classic R.A.M.O.N.E.S. which takes this question onto a whole new level since it not only includes spelling out a name in the song but it's THE CHORUS of the song and THE TITLE of the song!!

But of course the only level up remaining would be if The Ramones did their own version of a song about themselves so of course they did and of course it rocks (I remember CJ singing lead on this when they rocked Farmville, VA back 1995).

Grey is My Least Favorite Color

I don't like being the "things were better back in my day!" guy but after staring out the goddam window at the endless chain of the same grey cars all along any road you've been on for so many years now you can't help but look at something like this and think you know what, maybe some things really were just a little bit better back then.

Goals. I Have Them.

I want to matter-of-factly drop "Reg Varney drank one of them in Holiday On the Buses" into a regular conversation.

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

The biggest danger of only being in the office Tues/Wed/Thurs every week is that when peple are starting to leave on Thursdays you get a lot of (presumably) innocent “see you next Tuesday!” goodbyes. 

Semi-Obscure Music Video Hall of Fame Mrs. Xmastime

I've never thought much about the Flaming Lips one way or another but I loved this song the second it popped up on MTV back in my old Joe College Days, and I instantly fell 100% absolutely in love with this chick:

Not a great photo, but you get the gist. I have no idea who she is, and I would've married her by the time the song ended and I'd probably do it today too.

Sigh. Heart emoji.

Also - I'm still single, baby!

OH FFS I Give Up

If you've listened to this week's episode you know I've found a new kind of asshole, THIS ONE, and yet here we are not even 12 hours after recording and the world has somehow presented an even WORSE asshole:

THE RARELY-SEEN-IN-NATURE TRIPLE ASSHOLE:

1. Fucking bag taking up seat
2. STANDING next to fucking bag taking up seat
3. ARMS CROSSED LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! 😡😡😡😡

My Latest Idea for a Country-Western Song Hit

"The Worst Whuppin' I Ever Got Was From Sittin' in a Mud Puddle in My New Toughskins Which is Kinda Funny 'Cuz Daddy Won't No Fancy Pants"

(Hug Emoji Goes Here)

There are so many ridiculously talented people out there doing incredible things and 99.999999% of them will never make as much as a dime from it and mostly nobody will ever care and I fucking love each & every one of them.

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