Garfield du Jour

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME”

PREVIOUS HILARIOUS WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME POSTS HERE 

The Difference Between Youth & Age

When I was young I was passionate about wishing that other people could love the same music I did; now with age I find myself wishing that I could love the same music other people do. 

Hahahahaha Stay Funny, Wegmans!

You've Been Warned

I mean hey I already released Season 2 of Xmas Your Enthusiasm a few days ago SO GO LISTEN TO IT HERE PLEASE but hey life I mean amirite guys?

Xmastime TV Recommendation

I can't recommend this show enough; ridiculously hilarious with British National Treasure Noel Fielding playing a character that you'd create if you were in a lab creating the absolute perfect character for British National Treasure Noel Fielding to play.

5 STARS!!!! GO WATCH NOW!! 🤗🤣🕺🇬🇧

Is My MAD MEN Moment Upon Us?

I was renewing my passport & it turns out I didn't realize you had to mail your old one in; ever since losing my driver's license in the bushes after an office after-after Christmas party a decade ago my passport has been my only real official photo i.d. so now I'm kinda wondering hmmmm if this thing gets lost in the mail can I pull a Dick Whitman & just become someone else? 🤔

Rolling Stones Announce Ron Wood Getting Full Employee Discount

When You Find & Crack Open Your Laptop from 100 Years Ago

Hmmmm....

...and me with my birthday a mere 50 weeks away....

Strange Moments in Branding History

Is this from the same people who gave us the IQUEAF? How does this name make it past the first meeting?

Oh FFS BBC

I make it two letters from spelling out BBC SITCOM and you're still holding out "hey, maybe he wants more about the Nazis"? Grrr. 😡😡😡😡

“HELLO 9-1-1 I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME”

Ummmmmmmmmm I know I'm not a genius cereal scientist & all but how can Cheerios with almonds have LESS protein than Cheerios without almonds? 🤔🤷‍♂️😡😡😡😡

PREVIOUS CRIMES HERE

These Things Happen

Hey, Quint promised he'd kill the shark. 🤷‍♂️

Oh Gee, What Do You Know...

....yet another big fat whiff for my NRA gun-loving amateur Constitutional lecturers but thanks again for keeping the Golden Coral buffet safe by letting everybody see the gun strapped to your cargo shorts. 👍 🇺🇸

Random Scooter Time!! 🤗🐶

Questions. I Have Them.

15 years later, an eager nation still awaits the debut Crucifictorious album. 😔🎸 - XMASTIME, 2023

Crucifictorious notwithstanding, is there even a close second to Friday Night Lights re: best-scored tv show of all time? Best score AND best soundtrack, all the way through? 🤔🤷‍♂️

MAKE SODOMY GREAT AGAIN

Am I Bananas...

...or are there not one but TWO movies coming out in the same decade year month that I can actually see me getting myself up off my fat ass to go see in a real live movie theater???!??!?!? CUE AUDIBLE GASP FROM EMPTY CROWD!!!!

(And possible redemption for Seth Rogen???) 

Cover Moi

I give the Stones a lot of stick but they did do two of my all-time favorite covers of all time, both of which the original is an Xmastime hallowed superslice of Xmastime hallowed superslices.

Just My Imagination - Some Girls
Love in Vain - Let it Bleed

Just My Imagination in particular is in running for absolute greatest cover of all time. 🤗❤️🕺

 

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE I GIVE UP KING TRUMP YOU WIN

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Sydney Sweeney Has Bad Jeans

What's lost in all the Sydney Sweeney jeans/genes drama is that they seem to be the most unflattering jeans of all time other than every pair of jeans I've ever worn.

STANLEY Debuts Water Bottle for Women Working from Home

Two Things I Refuse to Be Stingy About as I Age

Paper towels and hand soap.

Surprises. I Have Them.

I'm surprised The Office didn't do an annual Dundie Awards episode, making it a faux holiday of sorts that fans could look forward to every year. 😲🤷‍♂️

SPOILER ALERT: the answer is “yes”

Garfield du Jour

College Was Right

Anything you drink really does taste more fun from a pitcher.

I'll Say This.

I remember going to the movies to see a Pink Panther movie & then being FURIOUS to realize it wasn’t the pink cartoon cat; what I'm really trying to say here is I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather see follow in the (non-pink, non-cartoon, non-cat) footsteps of Peter Sellers than Eddie fucking Murphy.

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME” Special Edition with Queen Elizabeth

PREVIOUS HILARIOUS WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME POSTS HERE

Brilliant du Jour

I've been in a Peep Show zone lately for the first time in years, and Mark's reaction to the Miracle of Life here is just 5 stars, no notes. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Questions. I Have Them.

Is this because they've never had a black men's basketball head coach? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Scooter! 🤗🕺🐶❤️

I seem to want Scooter to be very impressed with my knowing how to make the stuffed animal duck I gave him quack by squeezing it & yet I don't seem to care if he'd be impressed to know that I can read or that I've flown six miles high in the sky or that I can make an omelette.

Kind of like with dogs & money, I guess:

8) For some reason I always catch myself being surprised at how dogs just aren’t interested in the same things we are. I was dog-sitting last night and dropped $40 on the floor (that’s right ladies, Xmastime is flush right now!!!) and for a split second I thought oh shit! I’d better grab it before he does!! But of course he just blankly looked at it and walked away. I thought wow, that’s funny, he could care less about money. But then again, I’m not into eating other dogs’ shit, so I guess we’re even. 

 

Peanuts du Jour: Mind Blown Edition

America Gently Warns Women It's Running Out of Murders to Podcast About

"Rupert Murdoch About to Deliver Devastating 'Lay Off the Big Macs & You'll Be Fine, Mr. President' Retort to Donald Trump"

Official XMAS YOUR ENTHUSIASM Podcast Announcement

SEASON 2 OUT TODAY MOTHERSCRATCHERS! 🤗🕺🤣

Listen HERE on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Or watch it HERE on YouTube.

Now on to Season 3! 🕺

Sock Fucking Thrilled to Be Named Kid's New #1 Jizz Rag

Life with Scooter!

Earlier today I started choking on something, okay it was a bite of a glazed donut, and it was pretty gristly for a few seconds but it was one of those where you know it'll be fine you just hafta ride it out for a few seconds.

I saw Scooter instantly move to be near me and just as I was at peak overwhelmed-by-his-empathy-for-me feelings I realized his beady little eyes were about an inch above the kitchen floor, waiting to pounce on any piece of food that may drop if it didn’t choke me to death. 

DOCTORS STUNNED TO REALIZE MICHAEL J. FOX HAS JUST BEEN REALLY FUCKING COLD THIS WHOLE TIME

CALLING DR. XMASTIME, Genius Script Doctor

You people know how much I've always loved the 3-epiosdes only Britcom Freezing with my bff Tom Hollander, and the final scene to the entire series is absolutely brilliant - you know EXACTLY what Leon means and the entire time I was PRAYING nobody would say anything, as most shows would stomp all over it by spelling it out, kind of like I'm doing right now with this ironically enough, and then when the screen went black I practically pumped my fist with joy. 🤗🕺🇬🇧

PREVIOUS XMASTIME SCRIPT DOCTOR GENIUS HERE 

Current Events

With an AR-15 like a real fucking American they coulda slaughtered 25, 30 people here easy-peasy; what happened to my country? 😔

The Fellas! 🤗🐶🕺

ChatGPT Hilarity du Moment

Based on a certain somebody's seismic-shifting legendary ep: 

Trump Signs Executive Order Banning ChatGpt for Saying Anna Kendrick’s Still an 8

Sooooo....

...can we assume the Zapruder film starring Barack Hussein Obama is up next?

Local Toddler Scanning the News Really, Really Hoping This Epstein Shit Gets Cleared Up in the Next 12-15 Years

What the Hell, Wegmans?

What the hell, Wegmans - what's the hell's up with your shark cookies either being sharks drowning in a panic or sharks already dead & up in the clouds? Why all the shark death stuff Wegmans???!!? 😡😡🦈

You Are Freaking Me Out Now, Apple

Nine days ago, I mentioned how strangely fresh an apple in my fruit bowl was looking:

Ever since Super Size Me first came out everybody wants to push some crazy story about how fake the Big Mac is based on it supposedly never rotting away - "OMG Ben Franklin put a Big Mac on his counter and now just two weeks ago the fucking thing learned how to drive a stick shift!!!" - but meanwhile I bought this apple so many weeks ago I can’t remember when and it looks the exact same as when I bought it. 🤔🤷‍♂️

Here's that apple then:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand here's that same apple right now:

🤔🤷‍♂️

Goddaughter Memory du Jour! 🤗❤️ (with a Side of "What the Hell Happened to Your Hair Bro???!!?" )😜🤣🤣

The Metamorphosis

The other day about a block from my building I walked past some sort of bug, about the size of a quarter (remember those?) in circumference, and saw he'd been flipped on his hard-shell back and was frantically spinning himself in a slow circle, desperate to flip himself upright before getting eaten by the next bug that came strolling into town. After a few steps I turned around, grabbed a nearby stick & flipped him back over to what looked like his great relief as he scampered a few tiny bug steps away before stopping to look back at me, turning around for a nice moment like Mean Joe Greene.

Okay I don't know if the bug guy that but he sure seemed happy; anyways, walking just outside my building this morning I walked by what looked like the same kind of bug. I stopped and stared, hoping for some sort of recognition, and still felt compelled to speak out loud to this thing like a fucking lunatic even though no sign of recognition came.

I have no idea if it was the same bug, or even the same species, but I've decided it was and you're goddam right I'm gonna be looking for that guy from now on.

Well, or however long bugs usually live.

Say What You will About the Nazis...

...but at least they only voted for Hitler once.

Brothatime! Engineering Genius

Finally, the 2-pizza 1-box solution is upon us! 🍕🍕📦🤗🕺🤣

In America, II

This Epstein stuff has me depressed about all the money I may have wasted on tampons last summer. 😢

In America.

So apparently it took getting all the way to “was he fucking teenagers?” for MAGA to start wondering if maybe Trump’s not the Second Coming.

Garfield du Jour