Apparently today is
National Cheeseburger Day, and Xmastime fans
couldn't give two shits what I think about this have flooded my inbox that'swhatshesaid asking for my thoughts, so
HERE'S THE LINK to my post about the different types of burgers. And yes, I also think it's odd that Obama brought up his
millionaire tax bill
today, and he calls it The Buffet Bill, after Jimmy Cheeseburger in
Paradise Buffett. Nice!I will now list my five favorite lines from this
post
even though nobody gives a shit and are sorry they started reading this post in the first place:
1) Megaburgers: Like my college girlfriend: uneatable.
2) Extreme Burgers: Like the Republican party, these
always seem like an exercise in stupidity done by people who have way
too much money. Tho if one of those grilled cheese-as-buns joints fell
into my lap, I think I would enjoy it. Thumbs down on any burger
involving a glazed donut; I do not need to be looking at Rosie
O'Donnell's face when I'm trying to eat a gotdam cheeseburger.
3) Steamed Burgers: I do not want my cheeseburger to be
such a fucking mystery that it has to be an "acquired taste." Living
with the bitter disappointment of complete failure and having no hope,
that's an acquired taste. A burger should not be.
4) Butter Burgers: Now THIS is more like it!! This is a burger I could fucking get into (not a burger I could get into fucking.)
Also, the owner of Solly's Grille in Milwaukee presumably naming the
restaurant as a joke re: how Pat Morita from Arnold's would apologize to
his girlfriend = priceless.
5) Deep-fried Burgers: Just like the female orgasm or
black people that can swim, when I first heard of this I thought "if
this actually existed, wouldn't it be EVERYwhere?" In theory it sounds
amazing, but why are these hard to find? There's burgers everywhere.
There's deep-fried food everywhere. Why don't they just make the fucking
airplane outta the deep-fried burger then? Weird.
Also, here's my post about
The 16 Pearls of Wisdom. Wht's that, you ask? Why yes, of COURSE I'll pat myself on the back with some faves!! No, thank YOU!!!!
1) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek.
I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means
"addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with
cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger
problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef."
Not sexy, brah.
2) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red
Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate
since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a
chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the.
But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time I'll switch
the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at the DQ
once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting? Yes?
No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian
sidekick?
3) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY
AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's
all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a
default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about
getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be
thinking about.
4) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
5) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I didn't
know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers.
Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course
not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had
already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.
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