One thing you should know about me is I do not play "Celebrity" without using Bill Cosby's name.
Wednesday, May 31, 2023
The Bullshit Money Grab That Has Become "Running for President"
And we still have Cruz, Lake, Kasich, Rubio and on & on & on to go this cycle... (eyeroll emoji)
Xmatime 12 Years Ago Today
12 years ago today I wrote the greatest song of all time (warning: NSFW...or home, if I'm being honest).
Enjoy!
I'm Jerkin' Off at the Office
I’m jerkin’ off at the office,
Can you believe that I’m doing this?
It’s the best part of being in business,
I beat my dick like I’m Peter Criss.
I’m jerkin’ off on the copier,
I’m like Joe but I’m even sloppier
My nuts are banging on the START button,
You better listen like they’re E. F. Hutton.
I’m jerkin’ off on the fax machine,
‘Bout to cum a blizzard like I’m Dairy Queen,
My hand’s a doctor and my dick’s the patient,
Can I get a SENT confirmation?
I’m jerkin’ off at the water cooler,
Come on over and bring a ruler
Measure every one of my inches,
My dick is bigger than Jane Lynch’s.
I’m jerkin’ off in your cubicle now,
Your screensaver is beautiful, wow!
Is that a photograph of your children?
Ah shit, I feel something building.
I just shot a load on your post-its,
It ain’t white-out it’s my jizz mimosas
Let’s head over to the daily meeting,
Then I’ll give my dick another beating.
I’m jerkin’ off at the office,
Can you believe that I’m doing this?
It’s the best part of being in business,
I beat my dick like I’m Peter Criss.
Broadway Joe!
Me on him and Mickey:
There are also some parallels between him and the Mickey Mantle HBO doc: strapping young bucks with insane athletic ability and Southern drawls who hit the New York City nightlife like hurricanes, both on injured knees which to this day makes those who saw them run at 100% feel sorry for those who never could, and both with a physical toughness and willingness to play through obscene pain that their teammates absolutely loved them for, despite both being placed on pedestals by fans and media (and both funny as hell.)
A Preview into Tonight's EGG FOO WHAT?! Recording
First of all, I've been eating Chinese food for over 40 years now & this is the first time I've ever run into what I guess is a miniature version of their iconic containers? ADORABLE!
Aaaaaaaaaand here's a video of my latest genius sandwich creation the "Pork & Broccoli without the Broccoli on French Fries" - The Pork Fry Sandwich, everybody!!!! Okay the video sucks because I was in my work cafeteria and self-conscious about looking stupid, but you get the gist of the sandwich's brilliance.
State du Moi
I’ve mentioned the ladies who make the sandwiches in my work cafeteria making me feel like I’m a big shot by knowing my order so well that they just start making it when they see me walk in the cafeteria but I just watched one of them say to the guy behind me “hi Jason” and so now I am shook.
You're Welcome.
Based on recent events, can't Democrats just make an ad declaring AR-15s to be "woke" so then Republicans will hafta throw a big hissy fit about boycotting them?
There ya go. America's gun problem, solved.
Questions. I Have Them.
Why does Jesus get so much credit for dying for everybody’s sins when he just got up and carried on 3 days later like nothing happened and has been chirping away at us for over 2,000 years? Pretty sure anybody would sign up for that, no? 🤔🤷♂️
Tuesday, May 30, 2023
Ramones Regrets. 😔
Friends, there was a time I considered Howling at the Moon and Chasing the Night from 1984's classic Too Tough to Die were equals. I was wrong.
New Xmastime Series!
I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!
Fucking Idiots, II
McBullshit (Trademarked!)
So this popped up in my Timehop app today:
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you tell the fucking wizards in the Mickey D's laboratory to fuck of with all then fanci-fying of their burgers all the way back in 2007?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did:
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you tell the fucking wizards in the Mickey D's laboratory to fuck of with all then fanci-fying of their burgers all the way back in 2007?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful reader
I just saw that documentary about the McDonald's corporation on CNBC and they made a huge fucking deal about how laborious and thorough Mickey D's is when coming up with a new menu item. They couldn't stop patting themselves on the back for testing out 1800 new items a year, of which MAYBE one gets through to the menu. Tested over and over all over the country for 2 or 3 years, they remind us. Are you kidding me? 1800 new items, and the one that makes the grade is ... a big cheeseburger? Really? What are the other 1799 losers - the McShitcicle? Daddy's McDick on a Sesame Seed bun? This is the best these McWizards can come up with? and who are these fucking idiot test subjects who are excited enough that this thing gets pushed to the front? If I know I'm part of the decision as a test subject, wouldn't I kinda be unimpressed? Who are these people? "Wow...a bigger cheeseburger...you McDid it!!!!"
Fucking Idiots.
Long Live The Kinks!!
I love how this "London Kinks Tour!" is 95% "here's the house Ray & Dave grew up in and the pub across the street". 😜
The Kinks tour of London by @johnlionmusic 🇬🇧 which of these places have you been to? pic.twitter.com/vrYFCdQjY0
— The Kinks (@TheKinks) May 30, 2023
Questions. I Have Them.
Why is I'm Alan Partridge never streaming anywhere?!?!? 😡 You can't even buy it on Apple 😡 GET IT TOGETHER OUT THERE, TV STREAMING PEOPLE!!
Monday, May 29, 2023
A Questions About The Sopranos "Pine Barrens" Episode
Why didn’t the Russian just hack away at Christopher and Paulie for about 3 seconds with the shovel instead of running off?
Dying
The "word from our sponsor" bit got a legit howl out loud. 🤣
Never gets old! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/pZamdfyu2m
— Karli Bonne’ (@KarliBonnita) May 29, 2023
Sunday Declaration. I Have Them.
There are two types of people in this world: people who know the line is "It's not hard, not far to reach", and idiots who think the line is "It's not far, not hard to reach".
In Case It'd Been More Than 10 Minutes Since You'd Been Reminded of the Absolute Genius That is Jay Cartwright
Never before has one character been tasked with delivering so much bullshit and then delivering it in spades. As he’s constantly bullshitting about being “up to my nuts in guts!” he knows he’s bullshitting, his friends know he’s bullshitting, and he knows his friends know he’s bullshitting, and yet he simply cannot stop! It’s small wonder the producers of Rock & Chips thought of him when they were looking for a 16 year-old Del Boy. - XMASTIME
Jay’s bullshit compilation #TheInbetweeners pic.twitter.com/nWGnDutAnE
— The Inbetweeners (@InbetweenerVidz) May 28, 2023
BREAKING NEWS:
Pavel tried to live like the rest. He did all a young lad should do: bought himself an accordion, a shirt with a starched front, a loud-colored necktie, overshoes, and a cane.😳😳🤣🤣
New Xmastime Series!
I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!
Fab 4 du Jour
Sunday, May 28, 2023
Saturday, May 27, 2023
Friday, May 26, 2023
New Xmastime Series!
I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!
Who Ate My Lasagna!?!?
Declarations. I Have Them.
Within the first 100 days of an Xmastime presidential administration I promise to make it illegal for Amazon to sell books that have passed into public domain & can be printed out by any shithead with a printer without making it clear on their site 😡😡😡😡
EGG FOO WHAT?! Update
Fans are wondering if I took Mike's advice on the office laptop situation so this is it. 😬
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE HERE
WATCH THE EPISODE HERE
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE HERE
WATCH THE EPISODE HERE
HOT TAKE ON ROCK
Pinball Wizard should be skipped the moment Townsend's dramatic acoustic intro is finished and the actual song begins.
Thoughts. I Have Them.
Just once in the streaming era of prestige tv with incredibly anticipated series finales can’t we have a horrific scandal in which a bitter writer spills the beans about a show’s ending before it airs?
More BIG SANDWICH!
I don't know why my fellow Wings fans have been obsessed with The Big Sandwich all week but friendS let me tell you one goddam thing I 👏 am 👏 here 👏 for 👏 it👏 !
Thursday, May 25, 2023
Speaking of The Beatles...
Happy Birthday Ian McKellan!
I'll never watch any of those little drawf shit movies he does but man he absolutely CRUSHED it on Vicious 🤣🤗 🤣🤗 🤣🤗 🤣🤗
The Beatles are Just Too Amazing.
You can read about them for the next hundred years and still find out new stuff. This is an excerpt from Bono's memoir. Wow.
NEW XMASTIME SERIES!
I call this one, "Shitty Comments I Make in My Head That I Don't Actually Post Because I Don't Wanna Put Such a Thing Out into the World". Enjoy, everybody!
A Note of Worry About the TED LASSO "Finale"
If Ted teaches Nate his Biscuits for the Boss recipe before moving back to the United States I am going to LOSE. MY. GOD. DAMN. MIND.
EGG FOO WHAT?! Episode 47
Tina Turner Would've Loved Herself Some Xmastime
As we commemorate the passing of the Queen of Rock & Roll 😢😢, let’s take a moment to point out she would have agreed with Xmastime in last night’s EGG FOO WHAT?! episode re: her biggest hit.
Wednesday, May 24, 2023
A Brief Note on the Penultimate Episode (Maybe) of Ted Lasso
1) Again, just like last season, Nate has not earned his character arc in any way, shape of form and it's really fucking baffling.
2) I can't remember the reason now but one of the characters mentioned the London neighborhood of Tooting so that means one thing to you people and one thing only: Smiffy!!! 🤣🤗🇬🇧
2) I can't remember the reason now but one of the characters mentioned the London neighborhood of Tooting so that means one thing to you people and one thing only: Smiffy!!! 🤣🤗🇬🇧
The Queen of Rock & Roll
🎥: Tina Turner, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Eric Clapton, Bono, and many more play The Beatles’ “Get Back” live at the Prince’s Trust Concert in London, 1986. ✨ pic.twitter.com/HDX51cBpX6
— The McCartney Archive (@page_sirpaul) May 24, 2023
Thoughts. I Have Them.
Some human being has to have been the first person to ever die. I wonder who that was.
American Idiot
Trump refusing to leave E. Jean Carroll alone after getting away with just a slap on the wrist is giving me some 2006 OJ vibes.
But then, that's what his crowd likes. When you think about Republicans' faux outrage at the word "deplorables", remember how the crowd howled with laughter with Trump that night on his CNN town hall.
It's All Going to Be Alright, Everybody
Thank You for the Days
I've mentioned several times over the years that a tentpole moment at my funeral will be a playing of The Kinks' classic Days. Gee, you ask, who else of great importance in the history of rock music would like Days to be played at his own funeral WELL GOLLY GEE ME it's only Ray Davies himself, people!
“Thank you for the days, those endless days / Those sacred days you gave me,” Davies sings in this chiming farewell that he wrote for (but ultimately cut from) the first of the Kinks’ several concept albums, “The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society.” “But that’s only if I have to pick one of my songs,” he says. “If not, I choose ‘SOS’ by ABBA.”
Eyeroll du Jour
How many times we gotta hear about an actor loving to play a bad, evil role and saying "the role allows me to be a real creep, to be a complete jerk and mean, which is so different from real life." oh, cause in real life Im sure you're a fucking saint, douchebag. Just once I'd like to hear the opposite "what an experience playing a nice, normal guy. As you and the girls at Scores already know in real life Im an asshole, sleazy douchebag. Man. what a change for me!" Fuck you. And your movie sucks.
Loud Sigh.
Happy 74th Birthday Jim Broadbent!
Cheers to the man who turned down playing Del Boy, which led to the beyond-iconic portrayal by David Jason. He was only in 3 episodes, but each moment he was onscreen was golden as the thorn in the guys' side since they were wee lads. Boooooooo, Slater!!! 😡🤗🤣
Opinions. I Have Them.
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