Suicide Etiquette for Fellas

What is it with dudes who commit suicide killing their girlfriends first? How many times do we read about this happening. Can't you be a gentleman about the whole thing, and just kill yourself? I suppose the thinking is "This way we'll be together in heaven." Hmm. If you do meet up in heaven, do you really think this girl is gonna wanna be with you after you've pumped her full of lead? "Oh HELL no..." Plus, let's face it, you're in heaven now, doesn't that mean now you're competing with every dude who has ever died? Now you're up against some of the all-time greats - instead of competing against the fucking fry cooks at TGIFridays, you've got Sam Cooke sending over bottles of wine while the smooth sounds of "You Send Me" glide out of Heaven's stereo. Camon. And don't think you're gonna do well with the beautiful ladies of the past; now you're just the asshole dude who shot his young girlfriend 8 times. Princess Di might not be interested in you after hearing this. That might be the all-time bad dating story: you've killed yourself and your girlfriend so you can be together in the afterlife, but when you get there you get the "I wanna see other people..." speech. Ouch! So think it through next time, fellas. If you think you can compete against Valentino, Chamberlain, Presley et al, go ahead and kill her too. Otherwise, do the right thing and leave her alone before you blow your own brains out.