Office Crush Thursday, You're Welcome

In honor of my earlier Office Crush post today, here's 5 random lines from The Golden Era of My Office Crushes, during my InTouch Magazine days of 2008-2012. Enjoy! 🤗🕺

Just found out that Pizza Office Crush's boyfriend plays for the New York Rangers...I'll be honest - I do not like my chances at this moment. Grand gesture time - stand in front of her cubicle and eat a live mouse? Suggestions welcome.

Innnnnnnnnn walks My Office Crush. I freeze like a deer in headlights, praying she doesn't come near the microwave and see what I'm "cooking," which of course means she walks right over to it and stands, patiently waiting for my plastic wrapper of turds to slightly warm up so she can heat up the half-cup of whole wheat penne pasta she'd thoughtfully brought from home.

Pizza Office Crush: hey, voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus is voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus. Looks Italian, which is probably why she enjoyed my talk about food on the bus ("what the hell is 'warm salad'? Rich people - they'll eat anything you put in front of them.”)

My Office Crush left me a post-it with a smiley face on it and my backup office crush and I are have now reached "nodding our heads and smiling at each other" status, so you'll excuse me for patting myself on the dick.

I think I have a little crush on a kinda chunky girl. We'll call her Chunky Crush. I'm not sure which animal she is, possibly a bunny rabbit, although I can't see her chompers since she doesn't appear to smile a lot. Presumably because she's 1) chunky 2) reading this.

If Office Turtle Crush thinks making sure I overhear her talking on the phone about an infection she has in her mouth will make me end our relationship that doesn't actually exist, she is gonna be sorely disappointed.

The office kitchen area is near my desk and my Office Crush walked over to it, from which I could hear the sounds of her squeezing out some mustard or mayo or whatever to apply to a sandwich. The sounds from the plastic bottle were QUITE queefy; I was tempted to say, through the wall of my cubicle, "Hey, are you playing with your pussy?"

Is there anything worse than debuting a new shirt at the office and your Office Crush is out for the day? 😡

I just told my Pizza Office Crush an anecdote about Yogi Berra and pizza. If this doesn't get me into her pants, I am officially out of ideas.

I have no greater fear than trying to insert a crumpled-up dollar bill into a vending machine while my Office Crush waits behind me. The fumbling, bumbling sweatiness while trying to insert something into a hole surely does not signal greatness to her, and my pantomime bullshitting of pretending to have inserted the bill and gotten what I wanted probably doesn't help either.

She just came over and asked if anyone had an envelope; I said no but offered crackers that were in my desk. Say hello to my web, little fly!!!!

Friday Office Crush Roundup

Original Office Crush: way outta my league.  is nice to me but would be disgusted by me in real life.  I'd hafta watch my language around her; the Phylicia Rashard of the group.
Turtle Office Crush: newly married. to a doctor.  and looks like a Turtle. Not conventionally pretty, but does it for me.  Her huge tits go in the "plus" column.
Pizza Office Crush: new to the office, mighta just warmed up to me cuz I'm friendly. But voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus is voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus. Hottest/sexiest of the four. Husky voice helps. Looks Italian, which is prolly why she enjoyed my talk about food on the bus ("what the hell is 'warm salad'? Isn't that 'salad that's sat around too long'? Rich people - they'll eat anything you put in front of 'em.")
4th Office Crush: a slightly lesser version of Pizza Office Crush.  Most attainable as of this moment.  Lights up when she sees me.  Leading in the Wink department (so far.)

Office Crush Friday Update

Office Crushes I've spoken to today:
Office Turtle Crush
4th Office Crush

40%.  Not too shabby!

Office Crush History HERE.

Office Turtle Crush Update

Found myself walking side by side with Office Turtle Crush; we exchanged pleasantries and a bit of small talk, all while both knowing we were each going to the bathroom to do god knows what.  Sexy.

Office Crush Update

I'm feeling Office Turtle Crush is closing in on Original Office Crush's for the #1 spot.

Alas, she's married, but still.  Hmm.

Office Crush history HERE.  THAT'S the niche subject I should stick to instead of this blogging shit; I'd have a goddam coffee table for sale within a year!!

EMERGENCY OFFICE CRUSH ALERT!!!!!!!!! CODE RED!!!!!!!!

There is now a THIRD Office Crush in the mix!!!!!!  I first saw her last week and she was all smiley/chatty, and then on the bus today she plopped right down next to me, jabbering, and then after reminding her today was Pizza Friday she said, and I quote, "you made my day!"

Office Crush and Turtle Office Crush, you are warned: there's a new crush on the scene, Office Pizza Crush!  Younger and hotter than both of yall (and with an amazingly hot husky voice), so I'd "suggest" you two pick it up today!

Office Crush Friday Update

Office Crush MVP today is (so far) Chunky Crush, who breezed in this morning with her hair up in a sweeping, playful way. Usually I hate it when women have their hair up because nothing softens my dick more than a woman's forehead (or squirrel bullies in the local bath houses, I reckon), but somehow this works for her. Hey, to be honest it's just great that she's making the effort for me; I get the feeling that if we were to hook up she'd make sure to have her drawers match her bra. Meanwhile Pizza Office Crush and Turtle Office Crush would just be rolling their eyes re: how lucky I was they were doing it with me. As for Official Office Crush, if I'm banging her it means I'm in a race against rigor mortis setting in, so.

Office Crush Friday Update

If Office Turtle Crush thinks making sure I overhear her talking on the phone about an infection she has in her mouth will make me end our relationship that doesn't actually exist, she is gonna be sorely disappointed.

OFFICE CRUSH ALERT, CODE BLUE, I REPEAT, CODE BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!

Office Turtle Crush's desk is gone. Wtf?  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

How You Like Them Apples?

Walking in from the parking lot I noticed an apple in the parking garage; I think I made a wisecrack to GodIHateYourApples, but I'm not sure, and he was busy thinking about how to tell me that Smile is better than Pet Sounds anyway, because he's a fucking idiot.

Suddenly, about an hour ago, I saw Office Turtle Crush dig into an apple.  What the fuck. Okay, okay, I thought; what're the odds it's THE apple?

Just now I saw Official Office Crush chomping into an apple!!  I mean, come on now...one of them's GOTTA have eaten the one from the parking garage, no? I man camon, people just go around fucking buying apples and actually eating them, right?

Ugh.  What am I dealing with?

ED. NOTE: Eating trash is in no way a deal-breaker for Xmastime, nor does it come close.

Office Crush Friday Update

Had a great exchange with Office Turtle Crush: she came bounding over to my area to ask my neighbor something, big fat tittays a-blazing to the point I actually thought Jesus, yes, I see them!!, I made a quip that got a laugh, then she said she had to pee so bad and off she was, gone as quickly as she had appeared. Sigh.

Office Crush Update

So my Pizza Office Crush who blathered away at me a week and a half ago but then surely found out about the other office crushes last week and gave me the silent treatment, was all atwitter to talk to me this morning. Meanwhile, Turtle Office Crush is sitting quietly at her desk working.  I think I'm right in assuming some scheme between them is in the works.  Hmm.  I am become either wildly uncomfortable or wildly aroused.  Hell, what's the damn difference.

Office Turtle Crush Update

Talked with her the entire seven-minute walk from the bus to the office; mostly about a roast chicken she undercooked.  Nom nom nom!

Hmm. Interesting. CURIOUS, Even.

Office Turtle Crush went out of her way to make sure I knew the new office security code to get in.  Dang baby, relax.  I'm here.

Life. It's Really Happening.

A coupla weeks ago I mentioned a new Office Crush, and referred to the way she looked as "an anteater." And now I have another crush, and one glance at her and you can't help but think "turtle." And of course we all know my well-documented love of ladies who slightly resemble horses (in the face, not the penis.) - XMASTIME

For the first in the three years I've been here Turtle Crush, unprovoked, just starting chatting to me as we were old buddies.  This was the first time we had ever spoken to each other.  Unabashed, too - she might hafta leave early cause she was hungover, or sick, or both etc etc.  Hmm.

Xmastime New Office Crush Alert

Not 100% certain, will hafta confirm on Monday, but I think there might be a Turtle Crush doppelganger at my new office.

Obviously, I've pre-ordered a pony keg of Canoe Cologne.

Office Turtle Crush Update

Well well well...GUESS who just "happened" to show up at the bus stop just as I did?  Hmmmmm...IT'S  a mystery!!!

Signs of Trouble Ahead In My Pretend Relationship?

The characters on Seinfeld were famously ultra-picky when it came to dating, missing no opportunity to jettison a potential mate at the first quasi-bad sign (she's got the jimmy legs/man hands/he's a close talker.) As you might have picked up on Tuesday, I am nowhere near anything like that.

BUT.

Now that I'm sitting near her, I've noticed Office Turtle Crush is a dramatic sneezer. Throughout the day she's as quiet and unassuming as a mouse, yet when she sneezes she's Liza Mifuckinelli. This bugs me.

Oh Oh - Shitz Aboutsta Get For Realz

I can't tell, but I think I might have given Office Turtle Crush a look of longing.

Office Turtle Crush Update:

She just came over and asked if anyone had an envelope; I said no but offered crackers that were in my desk.  Say hello to my web, little fly!!!!