Thanks for OJ!

Before I get into my post, which is about Thanksgiving, I just wanted to drop in my 2 cents about OJ’s book and interview nonsense. This indeed was one of the creepiest things to come down the pike in a while…”no, I didn’t do it, but if I had, here’s what I would have done…” Obviously like everyone else I’m happy they decided to drop this whole thing, and ashamed to be part of the human race that it was even possible in the first place. So that’s that, OJ please shut up and go away.

When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was a bigger deal in my house than any other holiday, even Christmas. I don’t really know why, but my brother and I took to this one with extreme force. Maybe cause by the time we were 10 or so Christmas kinda blew toys-wise cause it was all about our little sister and brother. Maybe cause Thanksgiving dinner was like a Major League version of the Sunday dinners we always loved, I don’t know. But it became, over the years, the one….hold on. I just got word of something weird….

Oh, goody.

(Associated Press) “OJ Simpson has professed an interest in explaining how he might have kidnapped and killed Jon Benet Ramsey. ‘Hey, I’m not saying I DID it, but if I was gonna? Why not – did you see her prancing around in those little outfits, smooth satin bathing suits pressing against her young, tender butt? I would slip in as a judge, invite her backstage for some ice cream, then take her to my basement….as for killing her, let’s say, well let’s say she was showing no respect for The Juice, was not interested in my Heisman Trophy or that I can do 500 pushups; let’s say for a moment that she didn’t appreciate the Juice taking her over his knee, you know what I mean? I’m The Juice, dammit!!! If that little white bitch isn’t gonna do what the Juice tells her to do, maybe I get angry, maybe I get REAL angry, maybe after me and AC are done I get pissed at her nonstop crying and decide to, you know, snap her neck and bury her in the yard, know what I mean?....hey, of course I didn’t do it, but IF I did, that’s how I would….stupid little bitch….’ Fox News has reported that they will not show the interview on television due to public uproar.

ANYways. Hell, one year as kids I got sick with the flu about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, had it real bad. With incredible vision for an 11-year old, my brother decided that I had to make him sick as quickly as possible so that he would have recovered by Thanksgiving, and therein would be able to stuff his face with turket et al. We did the ol’ breathe in my face trick, and it worked …. Oh oh, just got another email…what the fuck?

(Associated Press) “OJ Simpson, in a letter to Fox boss Rupert Murdoch, has outlined how he would have killed Martin Luther King: ‘…of course I DID NOT do it. But let’s say, let’s say you happen to be a very popular black man in America at the time, maybe, oh, I don’t know, maybe you were about to win the Heisman Trophy….if I was in that position, I might be getting tired of being overshadowed by another black man, know what I mean? How the fuck can this dude think he’s the HNIC – I’m The Juice, dammit!! So I might make friends with some old, white redneck dude, maybe cause white folks love The Juice you know, place him near MLK at that hotel, then from across the street BLAM!!!!!...looks like The Juice is back to being an important black man, know what I’m saying??!?!...anyways, that’s what I’d do…IF I did it…” Mr. Murdoch has not commented on the letter.

Jesus. Sorry, but I had to pass that one along. Anyways so yeah, for some reason my brother loved the Macy’s Parade too, so that was a big deal. The one thing that sucked about the day was our Dad would pull out our “classy” silverware, the fancy stuff hidden away and we’d have to polish it all morning. And, just like whenever we’d paint a room, no matter how great we did the first coat, we’d always have to do two. I remember how we…oh, man. I’m so sorry, but this just popped up –

LONDON DAILY MAIL: ...American football star OJ Simpson has called the London Mail editors with a story claiming that, although of course he did NOT do it, he would like to say how he WOULD HAVE killed Princess Diana: “...Hey, of course I didn’t do it, I mean, who in their right mind would kill a real princess? Even if she had been snotty to me when I hit on her at the premiere of “The Naked Gun”...and for what, to sleep with that big-eared cake-boy? Prince who? I’m the Juice, dammit!!!! I played REAL football bitch!! Yeah, I could’ve made things real difficult for her, could’ve loaded me and AC into my Bronco and just flat out drove her off the road, you know? Hell, get into a group of those paparazzi nazi freaks, they’ll never know! Course, I’d feel bad for those boys, but fuck ‘em, they’re rich and white, just like me....”

What the fuck...chirst. I had a nice, sappy Thanksgiving story to tell, but now I’m a little freaked out...what kind of world do we live in? Dispicable. Hold on, someone’s knocking at my door...hey, it’s OJ! Juice, what’s up buddy! How’re you? Me? Yeah, I was writing something bout you, just riffing buddy, you know, having a laugh...what’s that in your hand buddy? Hold on, what are youasbcusgbasdc jdjdsj cbuiweuweb buiwbuipwbuipeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuwhi[wweiowecfioehwiofweuicfoeiwoufuiofbuiocebwcf923489234893y34y9342378 789789(^ujhjg&*(uihjjobjbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbu{oJWEUhehbNNNNNNNNNNBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

Oh, KKKramer

Yes, like everyone else I was shocked at Kramer’s outburst the other night (though to be honest the Letterman apology creeped me out even more. Weird guy.) Yes, I wish the n-word didn’t exist and we all lived in a color-free world of non-hatred.

But, as do so many incidents like this in the public eye, to me this incident reveals more about us as the spectators/judges than it does about Michael Richards. I’m tired of how every coupla months someone says something stupid and we all have to react with such violent chagrin and faux disgrace about someone from our own race – be it the Duke lacrosse players, Mel Gibson or now Michael Richards. White people LOVE to race to the tv if they’re famous or their non-white friends if they’re not and try to break the world record for utter mortification. We looooooooove to go to our black friends and seethe with rage and disgust about such narrow-mindedness; dammit! we say; we don’t even SEE color in others!!! After all, you’re my black friend!!!

All that’s fine and maybe some people even mean it, but a very telling moment to me is every time in the last few days I’ve seen someone on tv hang their head in disgrace, shake it slowly and lament that Kramer said such a thing in public. In public. Get it? I’ve noticed nobody cares about what he actually said, nobody cares whether or not he really is a racist, but they can’t believe he said it out loud in public. Nice. If only he had kept his racist comments/jokes to himself like the rest of us, dammit!

So give me a break, white people - let’s not pour on the faux chagrin too thick, let’s not sprint so quickly to show off how amazingly “tolerant” we are. You’re not going to get a fucking award for “Understanding Black People.” Everybody has a heart of gold and everyone’s an asshole; one man’s idiotic moment is not your "one shining moment."

And black people, I’m talking to you now. I’m tired of your pretending to be outraged whenever a white person says ‘n---er’ anymore. Yes, I know how offensive the term is supposed to be. And if you told me you never ever wanted to hear the word again, I’d have no problem respecting that. But good lord, can we get through 8 seconds of a hip hop song without hearing it 3 times? Can I walk ½ a block without some 12-year olds saying it 14 times without even realizing they’ve said it once? But oh, then you hear it from someone else and get enraged. Enough. I don't hear women walking around calling themselves cunts, or Jews calling each other kikes. You’re as hypocritical as the white people I spoke about above - how bout a little of the ol' practice what you preach? And one last thing – I’ve heard for most of my life that black people keep using the word so that eventually it will lose its negative connotations, that its sheer repetition would render it neutered. Really? When is this gonna finally happen? I can’t go 10 seconds without hearing it either on tv or in the street; what is the magic number until it finally means “nothing”?

That word is yours to "own"; perhaps you can lead by example and tuck it away if you wish, never to be seen or heard again. Naive on my part? yes. But so are things like "racial harmony" and "color blindness" and "Xmastime solves racism in one post." Baby steps!

I know I sound like "Old White Guy", but enough. Hell, if we don't put aside our outrage over this, how are we gonna have any left over for the next time the powers that be let black people die because they're not white and rich?

Paddy Mac Attack!!!!

Got to spend last weekend with my nephew Paddy Mac!! You might remember him from this post ages ago. I'll see him in a few weeks for Christmas, so until then I'll hafta settle for some pictures from the visit....

Here’s our guy!!!


Here he is showing off, doing some squats....



..AAAAAND he drops it. What an asshole.


The Littlest Mad Cow!


On the floor, Paddy Mac whispers into Chester’s ear “...and STAY the hell down, or I will cut you...bitch”


God bless him, even at 14 months Paddy Mac knows that cows belong in the oven. “Load me up! Moooooooooooooo!” (excuse me, I’m welling up with tears of pride....)


Our hero bravely fights off another would-be rescuer. "Get off me!!!... and get the A-1 Sauce"


“...mmmm, steak...I’m whats for dinner!”


“They’re renaming Shea Stadium WHAT??!?!?!”


Paddy Mac’s diaper. No words.


Good times! Stay tuned, as there are rumors floating around about a certain somebody and his nephew wearing matching Santa suits....

Xmastime for President (You Could Do Worse)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rummy Finally Fucking Quits

Poor fella, he must be aghast at the prospect of actually having to account for his reckless actions and incredibly thoughtless "war-planning." Insulted, even. Is the idea of this totally foreign to him? Does this guy not have a wife?

and believe me, no one is dumber than me, I'm no political genius, but wouldn't it have made sense to jettison Rum-nuts BEFORE the elections? Hmm. Just another example of just how how flat-out unbelievably stupid this administration can be. I expected them to be liars and crooks; their sheer stupidity throughout the years has surprised me. Blame it on hubris, I reckon.

...wait a second...Rummy quits the day after it looks like K-Fed will be looking for new work....am I dreaming, or will our next Secretary of Defense be the guy who wrote 'PopoZao'?

Election (can a brother get back to talkin bout titties, please?)

Well, it looks like we won, which is good. Though I am curious as to how close every race was; each one seemed to be seperated by a few thousand votes. So while I'm thrilled we did win, I'm FASCINATED by the millions of people who stepped up after years and years of this shit and said "you know what, I'd like MORE hypocritical wars, MORE unbelievably reckless spending so that my children live in cardboard boxes, MORE homophobia and let's face it...the super-rich aren't gonna get even richer without my help!"

Baffled. But hey, a win is a win. And anyone who wants to watch Xmastime have a stroke, be with me the first time news comes out that Bush "extends an offer of bipartisianship!" REALLY???!! Wow, what a guy! we should work together!! yyyeaaayyyy, 8 more years!!

Fuck you, you had no problem steamrolling everyone else while you had unfettered power all these years, so don't bother "reaching out" now. Just go back to being a drunk and sit in the attic of the White House till you leave office and let people who actually have brains take care of things. And no, by that I don't mean Jesus.

One thing that has to change are these ridiculous televsion ads. Not just in their absurdity, but that they exist at all. And again, I'm talking to the PEOPLE here, not the politicos who pull the trigger on these - they just use what works on us, cause we're fucking idiots. I'm asking the people to not fall prey to such stupidity. Seriously, if there is a major election that could change the way your country is run and your voting choice is based upon some 30-second ad on television that is obviously trash, then maybe you shouldn't be voting. If you haven't bothered to check into which candidate is best for you via reading and/or the news etc, then don't fucking vote. Yes, it's your "right" but if you vote simply because you gagged on your cheese puffs during 'Desperate Housewives" when an ad came on that said "Candidate X owns a clown suit!!!" then you're a jackass and get what you deserve. So please, for the love of christ stop watching these ads. They'll keep running them as long as they work, but please turn on your fucking brains here.

Also, even though it's not over yet, I'm glad to see George Allen might be jobless soon. Another rich white dude with a famous daddy who has the brains of a bowl of ice cream and is in office simply because he's in that good ol boy network. "I'm rich, I wear duck boots and I'm a fratboy lifer." He's a fucking idiot and I know he's BAFFLED at the fact that he even had to run; shouldn't the job automatically be his for being Superman Rich White Guy? Fuck you too, macracker.

So now it's in our hands, and we have to clean up this mess ourselves, let's not fucking blow it. And my next drinking game is drink every time a "frustrated" Dubya pops up on tv crying about his hands being tied thanks to Congress. OOOoh, he had AMAZING plans for the next two years, Im sure!! If only the evil Dems would let his ideas get through!!!! Golly, it was gonna be ice cream and parades from here on out!!! Fuck. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.

XMASTIME

ps - K-Fed, my sister is single! Call me!

Coincidence? oh, HELL no!

November 4, 2006
Xmastime: "Britney is still Mrs. Xmastime #1. I will give her a 6-mointh probation period to lose all her baby weight, but I will hold her spot till then. She will NOT be known as the Wally Pipp of Mrs. Xmastimes.

November 5, 2006
Britney shows up on Letterman, apparently having lost all the weight and looking incredible.

November 7, 2006
K-Fed? Cheererio!


a LOT of Mrs. Xmastimes must be quaking in their pudding this morning. Hey girls, look...I would never say give up, but, I mean, camon....

Don't Be a Fucking Idiot

Thank god the election is tomorrow; then I can go back to listing Mrs. Wilsons and food. Well, if I don’t have a fucking stroke by then.

In my mind, this election is more about the voters than it is the candidates. If we vote the same fuckwits back into power that have done everything they possibly can (well, so far anyways, we’ll see what the idiots come up with today) to completely destroy what once was the greatest country in the world, then we really have to step back and wonder what the hell is wrong with us. Seriously, somebody has to explain to me why he or she would vote, in the year 2006 Anno Dominos Pizza, to keep these people in power. Unless you’re a rich white male, how on earth can you pull the trigger for those guys? Name one issue that even used to be a Republican rallying cry. Fiscal responsibility? Please. I’ve been more responsible with money after waking up under the pool table at the Nest soaking in my own urine. Well. SOMEbody’s urine anyways. Now, if you’re super-rich and are one of the wealthiest people in the country, then it would make sense since you’d be the one getting all the tax cuts. Lucky you! Odds are however that you’re one of the other 297 million people in the country, so unless you own an NFL franchise or have a lawsuit cookin against McDonalds, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican.

Defense? (had to stop typing, tears from laughter were shorting my keyboard.) It’s been the notion forever that Republicans are strong on Defense, we’ve always taken it for granted. But boy, it’s hard to even come up with a scenario wherein they could’ve botched this whole thing this badly, right? Maybe if they had accidentally sent in puppies instead of troops? Flapjacks instead of body armor? Man. I’m surprised we didn’t invade Chinatown by accident. “Herro, twoops! Is that a framefrowa? Aaaaaiiiggghhhh!!!!” We are less safe that we were on 9-10-01 and that is all on Fuckwit and his boys Cheney and Rummy et al. Unless your name is Osama Bin Laden, you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. And if your name is Osama Bin Laden and you’re reading this blog, might I suggest for your next video throwing my name out? I could use some heat with the ladies, I would think a shout-out from the world’s most wanted man would really up my “bad boy” status. Just something to think about.

Even though like I have said before that if they really wanted to stamp out abortion they probably already would have, and I hate even bringing it up because it’s such a smokescreen non-issue used to rile up people for nothing, the fact that they’re on that side of the issue as well as South Dakota is voting to ban abortion altogether would make me believe that if you were a woman, you would not want to even take the chance that the right to choose would be taken from you. I am not a woman, but one spoke to me once and I feel it’s safe to say that if you’re a woman, then you’re a fucking idiot if you vote Republican. I realize this might cost me some future Xmastime groupies, but let’s face it - unless you’ve learned how to survive on radiator paint and boxer-sweat, you probably wouldn’t wanna be “with me.”

If you don’t want scientific research done on globs of goo in labs so that cures can be found for diseases that one day could kill you or your loved ones, then by all means vote Republican. Because then you’re such a fucking idiot that you deserve to die by the very disease that you would not allow to be cured. Funny, these Christians et al are appalled by the thought of curing Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s etc but they sure don’t mind impotence being worked on, do they? Hey, maybe it’s God’s will that you have a limp dick, buddy! Let it lie! “What would Jesus do?” you ask? Well, first of all I guess he’d try a cock ring; after that he would NOT vote Republican cause HE’S NOT AN IDIOT!!

And so on, and so on...I had a list of issues to spray on about, but jesus fucking christ. Enough is enough. There is NOTHING, NO ISSUE that you can use to convince that your vote to keep these people in power is the right choice. Unless you are a rich white man, then you’re a fucking idiot to let them back in power on Tuesday.

XMASTIME

ps...just to show I'm still an old softee, here's a lil treat:








"hahaha!! he bought the meth, then threw it away before one of his 'massages'!!!! Rusty, you're KILLING me!!!!!!!"

Cheaper by the Dozen

The author of "Cheaper by the Dozen", easily one of my top 3 or 4 books of all time, died on Saturday. Do NOT confuse the book with that godawful, embarrassing movie that took its name but none of its warmth, poignancy or humor. Do yourself a favor and read this, I can promise you will laugh out loud and choke back a few tears all at once. Slice of slices.

A Post Named Sue

November 3, 2006

Xmastime
100 Kino Plaza
Tappahannock, VA 22560

The Law Offices of Coen, Sheffield & Shemp, Esq.
221 Park Ave Suite 422
New York, NY 10012

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to inquire about a lawsuit I may pursue as per your counsel. I see the “President” George W. Bush is now saying that Democrats WANT the terrorists to win. We (Democrats) are hoping that the terrorists blow up a few American cities, maybe take over the whole country, and we are here to help them by, of all terrible things, disagreeing with the current administration and having the gall to wish to vote in a different set of leaders. While my first reaction to his comments was a laugh at the absurdity of such a thought, upon further rumination and some transitive reasoning I realized that this man, the “President” was calling ME a terrorist. As a proud American who loves baseball, apple pie and cheese out of a can I take GREAT offense to this and know that my only option at this point is to sue for slander. How can I be labeled as a terrorist by the man who holds the most powerful position in the world and expect to get a job? “Sorry mister, but you’re a terrorist. We’ll keep your resume on file...Al Queda fuck.” I’m overweight, dress like a 12 year old, don’t have a job and now I’m supposed to find a girlfriend with this “terrorist” label looming over me? How can I teach my godsons and nephew how to throw a baseball when the whole time I know they’ll be thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this, he’s a terrorist, I shouldn't be doing this...” I believe you see my point.

As this is my first lawsuit, I don’t know how or what to ask for damages, so I thought I’d throw a few things out there and you tell me what you think is fair compensation for this terrible crime upon me.

1) Perhaps if I win, I could get the car that Laura was driving when she killed her high school boyfriend? I figure it’s gotta be worth TONS on ebay – not only since it’s the actual car, but we might be able to assume that was the moment she turned into a robot with a fetish for retards, so there’s some historical significance there.

2) Or maybe as penance Dubya would have to finally attend the funeral of one of the troops he sent over to Iraq. And I don’t mean he flies in, pretends to look sad during the service and then says some trite words about the soldier being a hero before jetting off to Arby’s; he has to stay with the family throughout the 2 or 3 days from the wake to the funeral to the day after. He has to live with them, he has to hear them talk and cry, he has to make potato salad. I will give extra credit if he makes it through the whole thing without saying “Are we in Africa?”

3) I would also settle for that flight suit he wore during the “Mission Accomplished!” photo op and use it as he did. When my Celtics leap out to a 2-0 lead I’ll put it on and say “Mission Accomplished!”, not caring about the last 47 minutes or that we lose 124-78. Or maybe if I’m at the bar and as soon as I say hi to a woman, I zip up, “Mission Accomplished!” before she slaps me, throws a drink in my face and tells her friends my breath reeks. I do look good in green, must say.

4) Or maybe he can explain the irony that the most vociferous opponent to the theory of evolution, the single most powerful man who refuses to think that we descend from apes looks like this:

















5) I’ll take $100. Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.

6) Maybe he can work it off; he can come by and clear all the brush in my yard. He seems to be good at it, he does it all the time. Maybe while he’s doing it he can “mull over important things” like stem cell research, or why Principal Belding never explained how Kelly and Jesse disappeared for a season and then came back all of a sudden. I can use the steam coming out of his ears to make popcorn.

7) Or maybe a night with Ann Coulter…Democrats may be godless Ann, but we also know that “G Spot” doesn’t mean “a thousand dollars.”

8) Maybe he can treat me to the buffet at Pizza Hut, I miss that thing. And while there, as I’m confused about this, he can explain what he means when he repeatedly says that the terrorists want the Democrats to be in charge. Why? Has watching this administration bungle the whole operation while their own numbers have grown begun to bore them – do the terrorists want a challenge? Do they feel like their outlandish success plus howling with laughter whenever Bush talks has become an embarrassment of riches? I’m confused. It’s like a game of hide and seek where you get tired of hiding; is Bin Laden gonna show up on the White House lawn “Jesus fucking Christ, I’m right here! Are you people even trying?” Would seem to me that the day Bush & Co. leave office will be a saaaaaad day in JihadLand. Like the day the substitute teacher leaves after an extended stay and you have to go back to knowing how to read.

9) But I will settle for the Pizza Hut buffet.

Anyway, as I said, I’m not familiar with how these things work, so I look forward to your counsel. Please call me and let me know how I shall proceed, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
XMASTIME

Votergate '06 (Updated Nov 2)

Can't say it much better than this well, first few paragraphs anyway.

I'm furious at Kerry for apologizing, and for letting his fellow Democrats push him under the bus (can we retire that phrase after Tuesday? please?). When I first saw what he had said the next day about the Republicans who hadn't served could go fuck themselves (I'm paraphrasing) I was like where was THIS fire in 2004? Where was THIS guy when those Swift Boat idiots had everyone believing Bush was a war hero and Kerry a coward??!?!!?

But now he's gotta apologize cause we Democrats are COMPLETE PUSSIES. This is exactly the slight crack in the window the GOP was looking for (I'm sure we've all gotten that email from Ken Mehlman already, no?) But as mad as I am at Kerry and the Republicans who will turn this into KerrySpeechGate, I'm even more pissed at the people that will let this nothing moment affect their vote on Tuesday. "That's silly Xmastime!" you say. But lets not forget these are the same voters that a few weeks ago, after Foley got busted being a gay kiddy-monger had FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!!! Really? A false war with thousands of lives ruined, billions in misappropriated funds, etc etc etc I'm too tired to list the atrocities here anymore, and NOW they've had enough!!! This tells you what the voters let affect them – war? Nah. Lies? Nah. Desperately hurtling the Earth towards complete destruction on our dime? Nah. But whoa whoa...some dudes hitting on 18 year olds? No sir! Not on MY watch!

How many times have you been watching tv, some debate, and the GOP dude will say something absolutely ridiculous, something asinine, and as we’re screaming at the tv and what do our heroes, the Dems do? Nothing. Somewhere, somehow along the way the game plan for the Democrats became “oh, let’s take the high road!” What? We invented the mantra “oh, the American people are smart, they’ll figure it out.” Well guess what, asshole THEY’RE NOT. Christ, by the end of the last election they had ME thinking Bush was a war hero, not Kerry – the fuckwad Dems assumed people would go to their local library, read books or at least listen to the right news to discern that gee, Kerry was in fact a war hero who got wounded at least 3 times. Kerry et al wanted to rise above, to let the facts speak for themselves. Well, tough shit, when it comes to facts the American people just aren’t interested. So next thing you know, there’s a bunch of “Swift Boat” assholes spouting off at the press and lo and behold, not only do we question Kerry’s war service, but we COMPLETELY disregard the fact that, to this day, a year and a half of “Lieutenant Bush”s record in the Texas Air Guard is missing. I hate to digress for a moment here, but a good case in point with how stupid the Democrats are rests here...remember back when CBS broke the story, that Bush had received favored treatment in the Guard, remember when Dan Rather reported that and OH GEEZ! ... turns out he didn’t report the story correctly. Fuck. Oh no, bad information.

BAM! The Republicans jumped all over it, and before you know it Dan Rather was issuing an apology AND setting a retirement date. “hey, I fucked up...”

What? Hey, maybe you did fuck up, but this will be interesting...lemme see a hand of Democrats that, after the Dan Rather nonsense, stood up and said “You know what, that’s great copy, I hate Dan too, but the fact of the matter is we did not get to the bottom of Bush’s military record.” NO one stood up and said you know what, Dan Rather does not work for the DNC, Dan Rather is just a tv anchor; at NO point did a Democrat stand up and say “...but seriously...what the fuck DID Bush do during those years?” No, we all crawled under our rugs and felt like losers cause gee...we are.

I’ve had it. This is a party of pussyism, a party of “oh, the people will do whats right.” THE PEOPLE???! are you crazy? This is “A PEOPLE” that, after eight years of unprecedented economic growth, after two terms of peace and a decade where everyone got rich decided you know what...let’s try something else. After Dubya's first 4 years, wherein if he had been up for a review at any other company in the country would've gotten a "YOU'RE FIRED" critique, we roll into the polls and say "May I have some more, please?" I'm sorry, I know it's insulting, but you have to spell it out for people, you HAVE to pound it into people that, for instance, "no, W is NOT some ranch-hand Washington outsider who is the type of guy you'd have a a beer with...he's the ultimate insider who is spoiled beyond belief in a world outside of reality and would not cross the street to spit on you and yours." And when the Republicans hit you with a knife you have to hit them with a flamethrower. Christ, haven't we learned from them at all? I have a bad feeling about Tuesday, I have no faith in the Democratic Party and once again we'll wake up the next day having voted in people who hate our guts and only care about padding the coffers of the Almighty Halliburton.

Part of what I keep thinking the problem is is that, ironically enough in this day and age, people walk into the polls and aren’t selfish enough. We spend every second of our day being as selfish as possible, but for some reason we walk into the voting booths and decide that we should vote for “What’s best for our country and its values.” What does everyone in America want? Each person wants healthcare, I would think, no? Each and every individual wants to be safe, wants an education. We all want a fair tax system, each person wants to be given a chance to compete. And yet the dude in Iowa votes for so and so because he doesn’t want other guys kissing in New Jersey, the South Dakotan votes based on terrorism, the Indiana farmer votes so that his land will be taken away from him, but that’s okay as long as we can’t advance stem- cell research. Why? Because they like to feel good about themselves as Americans, they’re doing what’s best for America and it’s “values.” They like to feel warm and fuzzy, that they've done their patriotic duty...yet what they really have done is make the very country they love so much even weaker, ever more corrupt. So the same people get elected that are making the rich richer and the poor deader, and guess what? They haven’t really helped you, have they? They were so steamed up about the right to life, about the importance of the fetus and you were too, but now it’s a while after the election and gee...they haven’t stamped out abortion, and you’re working a second job to make up for the taxes you’re paying so Kenny Lay et al don’t have to while you pay $3 a gallon for gas. Another state just went for boys kissing, and yet you don’t have healthcare, do you? Hmm. So it’s not even like you’re giving up things that are actually important AND the government’s responsibility (your health/education/environment etc) in exchange for these “values” you got all emotional about. We are in such a hurry to completely destroy ourselves so that the few in power can give themselves even more senseless power and wealth, it’s amazing. But it’s our own fault – they barely even pretend to disguise their utter contempt for us, their hubris is overwhelming and they spend every second of the day thinking not of us but of themselves, but come voting time, WE have to step back and think gee....what’s best for a coupla rich guys in, say, Washingont, what can I do for THEM?

Remember, YOU decide what "American Values" are, they're not whatever the dipshits in power tell you they are. Maybe we find out American values include beating up puppies and cussing in church; que sera sera. Let the values chips fall where they may; in the meantime vote for fucking things that matter and are tangible - or, ta-DA!...you might be stuck in Iraq.