Movie Scenes from the Aughts

This site lists the Top 25 Movie Moments of the 2000s

25. Neil Patrick Harris tripping in 'Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle' (2004)
Didn't watch it, since unfortunately I'm not a roachspray-sniffing idiot  :(   On a side note however, after spending weeks shuffling around NYC after I first moved here pounding the pavement for a job, I did spend the last $7 to my name at White Castle. And that was BEFORE the wizards in the lab really started firing on all cylinders.
24. Uma Thurman fights off the Crazy 88 in 'Kill Bill, Vol. 1' (2003)
Didn't see it. Must've come out on "Ball-Scratching Day." But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “EVERY day is Ball Scratching Day for you!!" To which I cleverly parry by asking seriously, why are black people so scared of dogs?
23. The parkour scene from 'Casino Royale' (2006)
Didn't see it. Is this from Pulp Fiction's "cheeseburger royale" riff? Cause you know, Uma was in that too. She was the first celebrity I spotted when I moved here; I saw her walking up 6th Avenue in sunglasses and a scarf that covered almost her entire face, which I assumed was because as a country we were only four years removed from her then-husband's turn in Reality Bites. "Too soon", I quietly acknowledged in agreement as our paths crossed. Years later, she found herself a Mrs. Xmastime, thereby fully rehabilitated.
22. Jim Carrey's memory mind trip in 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (2004)
Didn't see it. Christ, how much ass WAS I getting during this fucking decade? Did I even come up for air?
21. The Bamboo Forest fight scene in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' (2000)
Saw it, but I think I fell asleep halfway through. Though when I woke up, my shirt was cleaned and pressed BOOM!!!!!!!!!  Oh, relax, the Chinese know I ruv 'em!
20. Abigail Breslin's dance in 'Little Miss Sunshine' (2006)
Fucking hell - the one part of an otherwise pretty great movie that sucked. Anyone else ever masturbated while driving a car? Yes? No?
19. The 'Tiny Dancer' sing-along on the bus in 'Almost Famous' (2000)
This was, actually, a great scene even though as I wrote HERE Kate "Hey, Look at Us All Pretending My Mom Isn't STILL Hotter Than Me!" Hudson ruins it at the end. Also, helped me with my own immigration relations on the bus. Which, of course, made for my first great bus moment since the humiliation of having to ride the bus even as a hotshot 3-sport letterman in 11th grade:

(Cue voice of Daniel Stern)
And that wasn't even the worst - as punishment, my parents took away my car and I had to do THE single-most humiliating thing a 3-sport varsity athlete in his junior year can possibly do: ride the bus home. Wow. Banned from baseball practice, thereby becoming the one white academic casualty in the history of the school, my gf would walk me to the bus everyday to say goodbye. Unreal. I'd kiss her goodbye, then get on the bus with a bunch of 7th and 8th graders. Ouch. It wasn't ALL bad I guess - they reminded me of youth and innocence, and I showed them you can't get pregnant from anal. Xmastime 101.
("to everything turn, turn, turn...") 

18. Russell Crowe's heartfelt concern for the audience in 'Gladiator' (2000)
Didn't see it. I prefer to keep the "number of movies made for gay dudes that I watch" down to a bare minimum.
17. Ennis and Jack reunite in 'Brokeback Mountain' (2005)
I'm not sure which scene they mean - do they mean the one when Ennis' purpled, turgid member was straining to be reunited with Jack's perfumed receiver that was trembling with want?

Hell, as I wrote HERE: just fuck the sheep, fellahs. Sheep can't talk, or beat you up when they've caught you with their Coldplay albums. Camon. Do the right thing.
16. "I drink your milkshake!" rant in 'There Will Be Blood' (2007)
That was pretty great, although I think if I was so rich that I had a bowling alley in my house and could eat steak with no utensils and nobody seemed to mind, I wouldn't be as angry as Daniel Day-Lewis was. Lighten up, bro. It's like they tell starving kids in Africa: "Hey, it could be worse, you could be Xmastime!...of course we're kidding, he's not black."
15. Bill Murray whispers in Scarlet Johansson's ear at the end of 'Lost in Translation' (2003)
Great flick, was still too early in the "Bill Murray sleepwalks through a movie" canon to be truly annoying. Of course he probably whispered something ironic like "They're gonna be trying to figure out what I'm saying right now forever." You're probably waiting right now for a SECOND thing for me to list as I'm usually want to do, such as "They're gonna be trying to figure out what I'm saying right now forever", or "One day you're gonna marry that guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, but right now that doesn't matter because if I don't get a broken-off chicken bone up my ass in about 4 seconds I'm fucking flipping out on you people," but that's the old Xmastime, and I just don't do cheap gags like that anymore. You're welcome.
14. Wall-E and Eve's first date in 'Wall-E' (2008)
I guess Mamalizza and I had walked out before this point in the movie, but who can tell with that piece of shit. Hey, I gotta movie to shoot - here's a picture of a calculator!! Hold the camera on it for 90 minutes, then watch the fucking movie critics do somersaults trying to out-do each other with how much they "get it" and you just don't understand movies with no dialogue, action, plot, characters, or reason for existing. Right now spell-check is telling me it's "dialog" and not "dialogue" but they can suck my big fat fucking hawg bawls.
13. Will Ferrell streaking in 'Old School' (2003)
That was pretty good, and, like with BillMurray, was before the Will Ferrell character became the Will Ferrell character, ie a horrible, horrible thing to happen to people. One weekend in college my fraternity thought about having a fish fry, but we didn't, so.
12. Introduction of Jack Sparrow in 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl'
Didn't see it. But remember when Yogi Bear was a hard-ass pirate, robbing you mothafuckahs blind? Ha ha ha!!! But seriously, pirates are just fags who can swim.
11. The song-and-dance performance to 'Jai Ho' at the end of 'Slumdog Millionaire' (2008)
Didn't see it, but I would like to get up in some of that Freida Pinto. Hell, if I did then that would complete my "Continental Ass Sweep," meaning I will have tagged at least one chick representing every continent except for South America, Europe, Australia, Antarctica, and Africa, not including a chick I banged who could be declared her own continent. Yeesh. (banged a continent, pissed an ocean, heh heh heh)
10. The waxing scene in 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin' (2005)
This scene is okay, but I certainly wouldn't put it on any "Best of the Decade" lists. I have, however, noticed that porn sites now offer the chance to load their video onto your iPhone or cell phone. What? I'm sorry, who is this for? "Hey, this screen in front of me is too big with a clear picture, can I possibly get it onto a screen that is barely big enough to read letters on?" Why not just paint the goddam scene onto the inside of my fucking eyelids, can it get any smaller than that, please? And I'm already sitting here looking at the "film," what the fuck do I need to do anything else with it for? "Oh man, mother and daughter anal  piledriver team, this is fucking awesome....yeah, I'll save that on my phone for later. Gotta finish these bills" What? You mean, when you're out and about? Got some time on the train to kill, why not whip out the cellphone porn? This is like people that buy porn mags at the airport. Fucking hell. And watching porn is a HANDS-FREE  activity!!  Have I been doing it wrong this whole time, or is it true that the best possible scenario is one that I don't have to be holding onto anything in my hands other than my "life thermos"? What the fuck?
9. Tom Cruise's cameo in 'Tropic Thunder' (2008)
ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY.
8. Mike Tyson's love of Phil Collins in 'The Hangover' (2008)
This was fucking awesome. How would've ever pictured Mike Tyson rocking out to Phill Collins? Or, as Mike himself calls him, "the drummer for Genesis that replaced Chris Mayhew which opened for a more accessible, more balanced sound based on metrical space combined with ecliastical timbres of tone and less-spacey lyrics before Mike Rutherford, the real heart and soul of the band, all REAL fans know this, left the band and went solo." One thing that bugs me though is how careful they are to walk the raw steak over to the tiger; we gotta go through that entire "scary" scene of Ed Helms carefully walking up to the tiger with the thing. It's a fucking tiger; is he gonna be pissed there's no gravy boat? You could wipe the steak on your ass and throw the thing in there and he'll fucking eat it. BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING TIGER! WHO EATS ASS!!! LIKE MY NEXT EX-FIANCEE!!!!
7. The upside-down kiss in 'Spider-Man' (2002)
Didn't see it. Though in looking at that fugly Kirsten Dunst, I'd say I'm not surprised that some dude pumped full of so much radioactivity he thinks he's a spider is the best her disgusting ass can do. Curtains match the drapes? Not the hair, but definitely the skin. Ugh.
6. Javier Bardem's fateful coin toss in 'No Country for Old Men' (2007)
Didn't see the whole movie, but I've seen that part. It's pretty creepy. "Hey, lookit me, I have a shitty haircut. BOO!!"  Peut-etre whatshisface should've gone to "MY GUY" for a better cut?
5. Gollum falls into the lava in 'The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King' (2003)
I have a penis, so I have not seen this one. Sorry.
4. Edward saves Bella from a car accident in 'Twilight' (2008)
I have a penis, so I have not seen this one. Sorry.
3. Harry Potter is introduced in 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' (2001)
When this movie came out I was teaching a class in some Bed-Stuy projects, real crack-babies cum crazed, uncontrollable delinquents, and I don't mean "stealing candy from the counter." I had a class of 6th graders and I spent most of my time yelling and screaming "shut up!!!  shut up!  sit down and shut up!!!" (some of you sexier readers might recognize that as my "go to" move when I'm in "the home stretch", heh heh heh.) So one day the principal tells me we're taking the kids to see the Harry Potter movie. Since, you know, if the NYC public education system cant help a kid from the projects learn to read or write or add 2+2, maybe a mystical story of a wispy little faggy white kid from England with magical powers wearing a robe can do the truck, right? So we get to the theater, and I'm thinking there's no WAY these kids are gonna sit down and be quiet for one second - they don't do it in the classroom, and now they're gonna be quiet when the light go out? I'm expecting a massive orgy of pre-teen sex and drugs to break out before the goddam previews start. We all sit down and as the movie starts I'm on the  edge of my seat, crouched and ready to spring up and start shouting at the kids to sit down and shut the hell up. All of a sudden, after a few minutes, I realize you can hear a pin drop. I look around - every single kid is sitting in their seat, not moving a muscle, staring at the screen hanging on every word from these fucking wizard kids. I slowly slide back into my seat thinking "...what the fuck..." Finally after a few minutes I relaxed and figured shit, they're behaving. So then I start watching the movie, and I realize I had missed the first coupla minutes and had no idea who was who or what the hell was going on. So I started trying to ask the kids around me, who recoiled in horror that their attention was being taken away from the screen, and with every question I asked I got buried more and more underneath a flurry of "SSSSHHHH!!!  Mr. Wilson!! Be quiet! SHHHHHHHHH!" I was stunned, and sat there in silence, happy as a clam for the next hour and half. Until, of course, the lights came back up and all hell broke loose and I got shivved. Looking back now, maybe we shoulda just had all the lights turned off in the classrooms? Maybe these kids' batshit buttons were controlled by light?
2. The naked wrestling scene in 'Borat' (2006)
Didn't see it. I enjoyed the first few moments of this flick, but I'm always a bit uncomfortable with this "let's put a camera on someone and wait for them to say something stupid and then show it for all of America too see" style of filmmaking. I mean it's bad enough we have Republicans for that, do I really need it in my cinema?
1. Heath Ledger's performance in 'The Dark Knight' (2008)
Didn't see it. I'm sure he was great, although I'm sure his performance has become somewhat inflated by his death. Which was, I believe, on Op's birthday. Hey look at me, I'm tired of typing.