Beautiful Girls

My boy from softball Kevin is the only other person I've met who has seen and loves Beautiful Girls, so I'm musing down memory lane HERE:

For some reason, “Beautiful Girls” is on my “if it’s on, I’m watching” list. I don’t really know why – it’s a kinda good movie. Not a great movie. Does have an unbelievable cast. And Uma Thurman plus Mira Sorvino plus Lauren Holly plus a pre-pube Natalie Portman makes it an easy movie on the eyes (sorry Rosie and Martha Plimpton.) Some wincingly bad lines, in particular most of Portman’s “old-soul musings.” And gee, a piano sit-around featuring “Sweet Caroline” so everybody can jump in on the “bum-bum-bum!”s. Great.

There is a coziness to the flick; maybe it’s the snow. I don’t know. I’ve always agreed with the big climax, the speech about beautiful girls, even if it’s over the top.

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. Se can make you feel high with the single greatest commodity known to man--promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gaze of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, how she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels are bottled promise. A beautiful girl is all powerful, and that's as good as love.

I’ve always said, seeing a beautiful girl is a gift from god. Walking down the street and seeing a mind-blowing beautiful woman is about the best thing that can happen all day. Yes I’ve stared too long and gotten the dirty look, but I don’t mind. You'd think really hot women wouldn't even notice dudes staring at them, you'd think they'd be used/numb to it. Or maybe it's just me they don't want looking. I dunno. No, I’m not gonna run up and start hitting on her. I'm not going to follow her home. I just keep walking and smile a simple “thank you” to whoever invented beautiful women.

Beautiful Girls (Again)

A few years ago I wrote about a superslice, Beautiful Girls:

For some reason, “Beautiful Girls” is on my “if it’s on, I’m watching” list. I don’t really know why – it’s a kinda good movie. Not a great movie. Does have an unbelievable cast.

There is a coziness to the flick; maybe it’s the snow.

Someone else puts it perfectly HERE:

Beautiful Girls is a cardigan of a movie, one to wrap around yourself on winter's nights.

My 5 favorite lines (not counting Rappaport's amazing "A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning." speech or Rosie's drugstore "you fucking mooks" walk-through):

Paul: So you're the little neighborhood Lolita.
Marty: So you're the alcoholic high school buddy shit for brains. 

Stinky: Do you see her face? Girls like that are born with a boyfriend.  

Paul: You let her behind the curtain, I know you did. You never let them behind the curtain Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful OZ. They are all sisters Willie... they aren't allowed back there... they mustn't see.
Willie Conway: Tell me the truth. You stay up nights thinking about this shit?
Paul: You say it like it's a bad thing. 

Paul: See these guys? Pete, Rizzo and Sammy B? They work all day and drink all night for 40 fucking years. Two weeks out of the year, they take a vacation and go to the Cape. What do they do? They drink all day, they drink all night. If we don't step it up, we're gonna wind up just like them.
Kev: Cool. 

Paul: Willie, my friend, she is delightful.
Willie Conway: "Delightful"? Who are you, Rex Harrison?

Beautiful Girls

For some reason, “Beautiful Girls” is on my “if it’s on, I’m watching” list. I don’t really know why – it’s a kinda good movie. Not a great movie. Does have an unbelievable cast. And Uma Thurman plus Mira Sorvino plus Lauren Holly plus a pre-pube Natalie Portman makes it an easy movie on the eyes (sorry Rosie and Martha Plimpton.) Some wincingly bad lines, in particular most of Portman’s “old-soul musings.” And gee, a piano sit-around featuring “Sweet Caroline” so everybody can jump in on the “bum-bum-bum!”s. Great.

There is a coziness to the flick; maybe it’s the snow. I don’t know. I’ve always agreed with the big climax, the speech about beautiful girls, even if it’s over the top.

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. Se can make you feel high with the single greatest commodity known to man--promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gaze of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, how she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels are bottled promise. A beautiful girl is all powerful, and that's as good as love.

I’ve always said, seeing a beautiful girl is a gift from god. Walking down the street and seeing a mind-blowing beautiful woman is about the best thing that can happen all day. Yes I’ve stared too long and gotten the dirty look, but I don’t mind. You'd think really hot women wouldn't even notice dudes staring at them, you'd think they'd be used/numb to it. Or maybe it's just me they don't want looking. I dunno. No, I’m not gonna run up and start hitting on her. I'm not going to follow her home. I just keep walking and smile a simple “thank you” to whoever invented beautiful women.

Beautiful Girls

Matt Dillon seems bemused throughout this whole great scene with Rosie O'Donnell but his reaction to her talking about a weave here gets a legit LOL 😜🤣🤣🤣🤣

A Movie I Love That Drives Me Crazy

I guess the reason I'm obsessed with the movie Beautiful Girls is it has at least 3 things I love:

- Uma Thurman
- A snowy city near the east coast (big town, even better. but small town, fuck that. and there is a difference)
- A bar that's quiet, that you can hang out with your friends in and talk without having to scream. A bar that's never so full you find yourself standing up with your beer in your hand like Suzy Creamcheese at her first mixer.

Throw in a pre-fetal Natalie Portman and a theme song I don't hate, and there ya go. (replaying OnDemand as we speak.) Cringe-worthy dialogue and all.

Now Empire Records; THAT'S a movie that needs to be put down like a horse with three broken legs. Unredeemable.

Rich Man, Poor Man

Tommy: Channel 38's showing Rich Man, Poor Man - all 12 parts.   
Paul: No shit? 
Tommy: Back to back.   
Paul:  Holy shit. Fuck! Fuck! 364 nights a year I do dick. The one night I decide to go out...You gotta tape it for me.   
Tommy: Can't do it.
Paul: Why not?   
Tommy:  You can't tape Rich Man, Poor Man. You gotta watch it with the  commercials just like everybody else.   
Paul: That's a good point.   
Tommy:  Falcon Eddie.   
Paul:  Man, was there ever a more terrifying  screen villain than Falcon Eddie?   
Tommy:  Nope.     
Paul: You're gonna watch it?
Tommy: Yep.   
Paul: All 12 parts?
Tommy: Back to back.   
Paul:  Shit. It's a tough call. You're a bastard.   
Tommy:  Yep.   
Paul:  Oh, shit...   

As you know I've seen Beautiful Girls a zillion times, but I don't think it's ever occurred to me that Rich Man, Poor Man was a real thing. And yet here I am, in the middle of a 12-hour marathon of it. I've come in on like the 9th episode, but yes, it's oddly intoxicating.

 

Questions. I Have Them.

How has The Rewatchables not done Beautiful Girls yet?

Timothy Hutton Depressing Note du Jour

The exact number of years has passed since Beautiful Girls as had Ordinary People preceding it. Ugh.

My Quick "Yes I KNOW I'm Forgetting Something" Rebuttal

THE CLASSICS

Some Like It Hot
A Christmas Story
Do the Right Thing
Dead Poets Society
Jaws
A Hard Day’s Night
Fine Easy Pieces
The Shining
The Buddy Holly Story
Amadeus

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Love Actually
When Harry Met Sally
The Brothers McMullen
Beautiful Girls
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Coming to America
Down with Love
Valley Girl
The Breakfast Club
Say Anything

LAUGH OUT LOUD

Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Life of Brian
Lost in America
Midnight Run
Seems like Old Times
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
The Odd Couple
The Naked Gun
Hot Fuzz
Young Frankenstein
She's the One

MUST SEE

Apollo 13
Crazy Heart
A League of Their Own
The Princess Bride
Hoosiers
Les Miserables
My Cousin Vinny
Primary Colors
Ratatouille
61*

Strange Currencies.

I just flipped over to VH1 for some reason, probably because I didn't get into a good college, and Steve Perry's Oh, Sherrie was on. For some reason that song has a Sister Christian-esque quality to it; both in the look, the sound, and I guess it was out at the same time, tweaking my Wonder Years-esque nostalgia for 7th grade along with now knowing that one day I'll be nostalgic about the day I used the -esque suffix twice in the same sentence. I am the Suffix Ninja!

But I must say. Anyone else surprised this was his only hit? I mean, whaterver you wanna say about Journey, they pumped out some massive hits, and then his first try outta the gate solo he hits a home run. And then nothing. Strange.

Also strange? As I was thinking about all this, I stumbled up this graph.

Whack, bro.



Oh, and just in case I'm not bawling enough since I'm also watching Beautiful Girls right now for the 19000th time, here's Sister Christian.

Hollywood. Grr.

An early scene in Beautiful Girls was the impetus for this from 2+ years ago. Still drives me bananas.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I'm Officially Begging Hollywood to Boycott...

the "oh look, they're SO close, they all know each other SO well that each guy not only knows what the other is gonna do even if he says he's not, but both the liar and the lied-to knows the liar is lying, but does it anyway, which the lied-to knows" scene.

Par exampla:

Tom, Dick and Harry at diner, Harry gets up to leave

Harry: alright, Im outta here. Goin home.
Tom: don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I'm not!
Tom: don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I'm not!
Tom: I'm telling you, don't go to Jane's!
Harry: I told you, I'm not!
Tom: don't do it! (Harry out the door. Tom and Dick stare off into space at Harry. Looooong pause.)
Dick: He's going to Jane's.
Tom: Yee-up (swig of java)

END SCENE

ps - an even worse ending is the cluck/repeat line/shake head/java, a la:

Dick: He's going to Jane's.
Tom: (just as Dick gets last word outta mouth) HE'S going to Jane's (swig of java)

Brave. So Brave.

Gawker nails it re: the absurdity of calling Judd Apatow "brave" for going after Cosby in his standup routine:

The bravery of comedian Judd Apatow knows no bounds: last night on the Tonight Show, Apatow returned to his favorite topic—rape—and guess what? He’s against it! So bold. 

The passable routine is earning Apatow gushing accolades—why? For daring to criticize a man so unpopular that even the president of the United States has called the allegations “clearly rape.”

What Gawker didn’t point out is that Apatow spent the rest of his routine being what would now be considered Cosby-esque creepy when talking about living with his wife & daughters, saying things like asking them if you can pop a zit on a testicle, and painting a portrait of him hiding in the corner of the room when these three “beautiful” girls are around. Wtf?

Right on Schedule

Just heard the first "____ days til pitchers & catchers!" of the year. Which makes me throw up (even if my girl Uma says it in my slice Beautiful Girls.)

But you knew that already, via HERE.

6) Guys: quit trying to win the “REAL Baseball Fan” award by acting all excited and announcing the days until pitchers and catchers begin their workouts together. Every fucking year I gotta hear “17 days till pitchers/catchers!!!” Really? Are you a pitcher on a major league baseball team? Are you a catcher? Are you going to said practices to watch? Are these exciting workouts being televised? Do even the very pitchers and catchers that show up give 2 shits about this event? No. Acting like a excitable kid about something this worthless will not get you laid, it will not inspire me to buy you a fucking beer. The season starts on April 2. Until then, the only time I wanna hear “pitchers & catchers” is at my neighborhood gay bar, thank you very much.

For fuck's sake.

UPDATE: Holy crap!!  The number the guy used tonight was 17!! Bruce Becks aid "17 days til pitchers and catchers"....THE EXACT NUMBER I USED IN THIS EXAMPLE FROM  4 YEARS AGO!!!!

I am freaking myself out, people.

DAMN You, Beautiful Girls!!!

You got me again!!!!

EGG FOO WATTY 🤗 Post #4 (The Cuts)

We all made playlists to share with each other and so here's mine; we were each supposed to have 15 songs and somehow after sweating over this thing for a goddam week I only now realize I somehow ended up with only 14 😜🤣. Enjoy - and you're welcome!

LOVE BARGE – Big Dipper 1990
Showed up on a mix (mixed?) tape Rrthur (YES ladies, THAT Rrthur) sent me in the Fall of ’94 that remains one of my all-time favorite mixes (included an all-time superslice of superslice of superslices Caitlin Cries by Chopper, not available on Spotify but you can find it here.) Just unbelievably great-sounding song that both rocks AND is incredibly articulate; that verse just seems to float on raft on a river.

Now That You Know Me – Grant Hart 1989
Like most people I spent the 80’s assuming Husker Du was Bob Mould with some help from Grant Hart until they put out their live album, The Living End in 1994. It was the moment I realized how much I loved Grant Hart; thanks to his beautiful voice all of his songs came jumping off the album. This song was one of them.

LITTLE PLASTIC CASTLE – Ani DiFranco 1998
I’d never heard of Ani DiFranco until soon after I’d moved to Brooklyn, living with Rrthur (YES ladies, THAT Rrthur) & Mrs. Rrthur at 232 Ainslie Street. I was watching tv waiting for my beloved Soul Asylum to come on to play the Hard Rock café on VH1 – I guess all of that was a thing at one time? – and she opened for them, starting with this. I went out and got the album the next morning and have loved it ever since, even tho it’s one of those things wherein it’s never occurred to me to check out her other albums. I love the song, I love this album, and I love the time & place it takes me back to.

You Don’t Care Nuthin’ – Rancid 1995
This is from a perfect album, every song on it had every possible hook/backups/chorus possible; I remember siting in my room in Mississippi in 1995 staring at the album and wondering how the hell they’d ever make another album with everything stuffed into this one. Another chorus so simple, so poignant. Perfect.

Holy Mountain – Noel Gallagher 2017
The sound of this is off the charts incredible and I always fantasize there’s an entire marching band behind him. And no, you’re not wrong for wondering how much better it’d sound if his brother was singing it. Either way, this is a “car goes from 55 to 95” superslice for sure.

1952 Black Vincent Black Lightning – Richard Thompson 1991
I missed out on the whole Richard/Linda Thompson Shoot Out the Lights thing so I never cared about him until lying in bed in my room at 232 Ainslie Street with The Bottom Line Archives: In Their Own Words, VOl. 1 because it had Joey Ramone talking about how he wrote I Wanna Be Sedated; after 9,000 listens of it I accidentally skipped to Richard Thompson doing a GREAT version of I Feel So Good off the same-titled album, which I ran out & got the very next morning & it had this song on it. I hate motorcycles, noodly guys on acoustic guitars, songs with stories that go on & on, and redheads. This song has them all, and I love it with all my heart. Here's an insane live version.

New Drink for the Old Drunk – Crooked Fingers 2000
Just a knock-down of a song anyone who’s ever wondered if the truth is that everybody is laughing at them and one day their friends will reveal that they’ve always hated them. I had a slow version of this a hundred years ago – was on the single greatest mix (mixed?) tape of all time - but I haven’t been able to find it in years. I dedicate this one to Dish!

KNOCK ME DOWN – The Outsets 1980
If I knew you when I was living in Oxford, Mississippi in the mid-90s and made you a mix (mixed?) tape, this was on it. Found it on some crappy “punk bands from Boston” tape somewhere. It's just everything you want from a young kinda shitty band of teenagers, they can barely keep it all together (they don't) but stumble into gold a little bit.

Glad Girls – Guided by Voices 2001
I have no idea what a glad girl is but I wish I’d written this chorus; a chorus so good they do it twice before starting any verses, which I don’t think I’ve ever noticed in another song? It’s always hit me with that feeling of watching as all the pretty girls are with all the cool guys and wondering what I’d say to one of them if they ever talked to me. For all I know he’s singing about a car or something, which is why I guess we all love the songs we love.

I’M THINKING TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES – The Carter Family 1929
I don’t think I’d ever heard this until it was stuck on the end of Marah’s Formula, Cola, Dollar Draft; I can’t hear it without picturing myself up on the 3rd floor of Rthur's (YES ladies, THAT Rrthur) parents’ house late late late at night, lying in bed in the pitch darkness staring out the window, out over the river at the bridge at whatever bright red taillight would move across it every 15 minutes or so and wondering who it could possibly be, where they were coming from and where they were going.

Celluloid Heroes – The Kinks 1972
I mean camon.

Don’t Look Back – The Temptations 1965
One of my Turkey’s Nest slices. Probably a funny song to pick for a list which seems to be completely stuffed with songs that reek of nostalgia for me.

Common People – Pulp 1995
I’d never listened to Pulp, once I fell in love with Oasis’ second album I thought I was to forever be a loyal soldier on their side for the 90s Britpop Wars. 5 years ago I was alone at a bar in Dingle and this came on and I can still remember where I was sitting and the wall I was looking at; I was immediately embarrassed I’d dismissed the band so quickly out of loyalty to Oasis whose 3rd album was absolute shit and they’ve pretty much sucked every since. 🤷‍♂️ Reminds me a lot of before Williamsburg was stupid and girls from Manhattan would come over and pat themselves on the back for braving a “dive bar” and feeling so “authentic”.  An anthem for all anthems.

I Won’t Be There – The Equals 1967
Did you people think you weren’t getting an Equals song?!?!? 🤗🕺🎸

Rock Me Gently - Andy Kim 1974
This is one of the most almost-perfect songs I’ve always loved (which makes sense since Kim also write what may be THE most perfect song I’ve always loved, Sugar Sugar (at only age 22!!)). But right now I’m realizing it’s also a perfect example of a song you hear for so many decades without really thinking about it too much before being totally gut-punched by it - can you even imagine actually feeling, “I have never been loved like this before”? It must happen to people all the time. Incredible. 🤷‍♂️

It's Official: I Need a Girlfriend

Or this is my future:
-->

Unfortunately, the same would come true for myself when it came to women, which is why getting a hug from a woman in a bar was actually a lot more impressive than it should’ve been for a grown man.  I broke up with my college girlfriend just before the end of my senior year having grown accustomed to having a beautiful, wonderful girl be completely devoted to me, so I assumed that’s the way it would always be.  Then I made the mistake of actually graduating, and went from being somewhat of a “Big Man on Campus” to “the guy that works at Sir Speedy.”  I hadn’t realized that the reason girls were perfectly happy with guys who lived like college students was because they were, in fact, college students, and living like a fat slob in arrested adolescence wasn’t so lovable in the real world.  I found myself demanding women accept “me for who I am!”, growing more and more bitter each time an accomplished and beautiful woman “thought she was too good” to be with a fat, drunk loser living in glorified squalor.  The more years that passed, the more I clung to this lifestyle in a sort of pathetic defiance, and began to just fantasize about women (any woman I saw was in danger of being a “Mrs. _______”, and a complete relationship would be played out in my mind, varying in length from minutes to years, with her remaining completely oblivious to the life she was living in my head) instead of trying to better myself in order to actually get one.  I was in danger of becoming like the old, retarded guy from my hometown who created “baseball lineups” of women around town that he wanted on his “team,” and I knew that eventually, as with him, avoiding my sloppy, amorous greetings would be a talent passed on from mother to daughter for generations to come.

We're Allllllllllllllllllllllll Worried About Kelly

As I mentioned yesterday, I sensed Kelly was about to slide into every thin, beautiful girl’s dream come true: developing a hard-core eating disorder. So I decided to closely watch the next episode and see how she holds up.

CUE THEME SONG AT 4:00

4:05 – After bitching cause David ate the last banana at breakfast: “that’s okay. I shouldn’t eat anyway.” OH-OH!!!! Alarm bells!! Such clever, subtle writing – why don’t they just have her stick the banana down her throat and puke in the sink? Jesus Christ. Wait a second…did I…just finally stumble upon the third act to my latest movie, “Make Me Puke in the Sink, Jesus Christ”? Serendipity, my fickle mistress: welcome back!!!!

4:09 – Now she snaps at Steve after overhearing him talking about “perfect-looking” women. “There’s no such thing as perfect!!” and stomps away. “There’s no such thing as perfect”? Doesn’t sound like someone who’s striving to lose weight to gain the perfect body, does it? Kelly, are you even TRYING to get under 100 lbs, or is this just a lot of hot air? Which, I shouldn't have to remind you, is what you're supposed to be eating. Lard-ass.

4:10 – Dylan just offered her a potato chip. Declines. Who the fuck says no to a potato chip - can NObody see these fucking signals, people?

Oh wait, here we go….Dylan catches that she’s taking diet pills. He is, after all, a mixture of one part shamen, one part doctor, and one part James Dean. Without the talent to drive himself off a cliff of course. Dylan is the one person in the world who slowly nods his head in agreement during Eddie and the Cruisers II when Eddie blathers that “the music is in the silences!” What a genius. Now he shakes his head. “You should eat.” Kelly looks disgusted. I guess she doesn’t want a greasy chip. Or Steve just got his perm re-activated and it’s wafting.

Side note…she agrees to go to dinner with Dylan, who says ”I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” 8:30? Wtf? Now, I know these are rich kids, a different world from me in high school. Well, or now. I had a curfew – there’s no way I’m waiting to meet up with my girl at 8:30. Every minute was precious – 30 seconds after the final bell, I got my snout up my girl’s rim like a gotdam hounddog at a pork chop piñata. Not once did I say to her “Yeah, we’ll meet up, but first I’m gonna go home and hang out with my folks for five hours, cool?” Shit’s whack. And doesn’t this just give Kelly more time to think about how fat she is?

4:15 – “Maybe I just don’t feel like being Kelly Taylor anymore!” I see. Another signal - she’s tired of being young, popular and rich. Well, and fat I guess. Storms home during lunch..

4:16 – ohoh!! Hitting the fridge! Scarfing ice cream, why is she even using a spoon?!?! Now freaks out, shoves ice cream down the sink. Isn’t the ol’ “hoovers ice cream frantically” a little clichéd at this point for depicting women with eating disorders? Just once I’d like to see one of these girls tear apart a Cornish game hen with their teeth, growling while their eyes roll back in their heads. Outside of my porn stash, I mean. When are ice cream companies gonna jump in on this, start targeting these women? “Our Vomiting Vanilla will have you retching like you just saw a short hair in it, Tubby!” Maybe scoopers shaped like fingers? Ice cream containers with a toilet seat lid? Gag!

4:17 – Turns our her mom is selling the house, and there’s an Open House right now. Kelly’s irritable!!! Yelling at potential buyers!!! Ohoh, now she’s screaming at this 12-year old girl that’s with her mother, checking out the house….of course it doesn’t occur to anyone to ask why neither of these girls are in school during the middle of the day….or why an Open House has been scheduled for the middle of a weekday…or why God stopped at two when giving chicks titties....ooooohh, Kelly’s angry – she did NOT seem sincere when she said “you’re welcome!” to her mom’s “thanks so much for running these people off!!” I’d say Kelly should put something in her stomach, but then I wouldn’t be supportive of her “diet”, would I?

4:25 - Kelly and her Mom are fighting. Meeeooooooow! Mom: “you’re 18, you have to learn to cope with things!!” um, hello….isn’t she? By scarfing n barfing? Least she’s trying!!!! Just her way, mama!

Oh my. Mom has just seriously quoted the Bible: “this too shall pass.” Wow. Though I have a feeling Jackie has used that one before, peut-etre after swallowing too much during another “bukkake for blow” session. And I think the writers blew an opportunity here for a real, open dialogue: Kelly should’ve retorted to the Bible quote with “Ooooh, that’s heavy!” to wit Mama could’ve snorted back “Not as heavy as you fat-ass!!” Then they both turn to the camera for a 60-second PSA on “eating disorders and why they work.”

4:30 – Kelly’s having a fit, not going to dinner cause she cant find a shoe! Dylan: “youre not going just because of a lousy shoe?” Ohoh. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan….3 things you don’t say to a woman: 1) something about their weight, 2) “why don’t you pay for dinner, you KNOW I got fired for not knowing how to read you heartless bitch!! And I’m into shit-play!!” and 3) something that doesn’t take their shoes seriously. You’d think D-Man would know this. Disappointing.

4:32 – ohoh…looking in a mirror, this cant be good…frowning…spinning, more frowning, silent disgust with herself….oh yeah! Break out the pills!! Suck em down, fatty!!! Yes!!! Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!!!

4:40 - Now she’s in a convertible complaining about overheating. Dr. Dylan: “its prolly the diet pills, Kel.” Now she says her heart is beating a mile a minute….Dylan shakes his head, drives on to the surprise birthday party for Kelly. He knows she’s been popping pills and not eating, now she’s complaining about being too hot even though he says it’s freezing, and her heart is dangerously racing….I gotta agree with the doctor here, what she needs is the calming, soothing act of everybody she knows jumping out from behind the furniture and screaming “SURPRISE!!” at her. This guy is, in a word, good.

4:42 – Well, she survived her own entrance. Ooooohh, frosty hug from Brenda…guess if Kellys gonna start eating now, it's not gonna be Brenda’s Golden Palace of the Himalayas. And who is this black dude Andrea’s with? I’ve never seen a black person on this show, now all of a sudden he’s hanging all over Andrea while everyone calls him Jordan. The Walsh’s must be furious, thinking they moved to the one place in the country whiter than Minnesota and now this guy shows up!

4:45 – Kelly going to the bathroom! This is gonna be good!! PLE-E-E-E-NTY of mirrors and toilets to get her juices flowing!!! Her own version of me walking into a Fuddruckers with….well, Fuddruckers would be enough, actually. She’s at a sink, throwing cold water on herself. Wtf. How does NOT eating make you overheat? Think it would be the opposite, no? My body temperature rises 20 degrees if I fucking walk by a Burger King. Okay, Im lying, it rises 20 degrees if I WALK. Oh wait, is this the body recognizing that Kelly wants to lose weight? “hmmm…she’s upchucking on purpose…let’s turn up the heat, help her sweat some off... good for her!!” wow…the female body, eh - is there nothing it can’t do? I mean other than orgasm during intercourse, obviously. Poor things.

4:46 – Sucking down water…room spinning…oooh Kelly, you are an ugly bitch!!!! This is gonna be good…..

4:47 – Brenda walks in KELLY’S ON THE FLOOR! UNCONSCIOUS!! DAMN YOU, COMMERCIALS!!!! Now we gotta wait to see what happens….if I didn’t already know Kelly was later gonna sleep her way thru the cast and get hooked on crack while joining a cult, I’d worry she might be dead.

4:52 - Kelly’s at the hospital. Dylan’s taking it hard, beating himself up for not throwing her pills out earlier. But not for 8 Seconds, I see. Interesting – is it even possible to figure this guy out? He’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in another enigma with a Sphinx colostomy bag. Now the gang is going over what they’ve seen over the past few weeks. Gee, turns out they’ve all seen Kelly not eat and pop a ton of pills. What a group of friends. They could watch OJ buying a case of leather gloves and he wouldn’t get an intervention from this bunch. “Come to think of it, he DID email us every day for two weeks he was gonna kill her…hmmm….” And seriously, who is this black guy with his arms around Andrea??

4:53 – Kelly’s mom is now bitching at the doctor that she don’t understand how the pills went wrong. “They’re supposed to be safe!” Nothing like a coke addict yelling this at a doctor. This is like someone's dick screaming at the cops “hey, she said she was 16!!!”

4:54 – Why does she have 2 black eyes? Doesn’t it seem like every time someone’s in a hospital bed on tv, their eyes are black? What’s going on in these fucking ambulances?

4:56 – Brenda and Kelly making up. Awww. Hearts melting all over the US. Leaving, Brenda says “call me tomorrow, i'll take you out for ice cream.” Brilliant move, Brenda! Fatten the bitch up so Dylan will dump her! Yes!!!!

Show ends Dylan in room as she falls asleep. Obviously the lesson is that if you get skinny enough you’ll end up in the hospital, reuniting with your best friend and sleeping with your ridiculously rich boyfriend. One to grow on! Whoops...too soon?

Ah, Well.

Was sittin at Starbucks last night sipping on my mocha choca lave we must we must we must increase our bust latte vente cinno and I started watching two of the workers behind the counter. One a tall skinnier-than skinny girl, maybe 19, the other an everyman 18 year old boy with that constant, vacuous look only a teenage boy can have. Each incredibly awkward, gawky, all nervous smiles and bumping into things. I was so jealous. At my age, unless you walk into a room and completely own it with your confidence and self-assurance due to your having the most money in the world and having invented the computer, you're a complete loser who repels women by the sackful. One whiff of awkwardness, someone comes out from a closet and blows your fcking brains out to great applause. But these kids, they were allowed to be normally awkward, each trying to smile coolly at the other. Everyone in the room could tell he was desperatley thinking "whatdoisaywhatdoisaywhatdoisaydidiputondeoderantwhatdoisay???!!?!?!" including the girl, but nobody minded. The girl was terrified at how much she towered over him. But they kinda liked each other and didn't mind or notcie the awkwardness. Very sweet. And more real than the blowhard that storms in braying like a donkey that we all applaud and are being told to emulate. ah well

Also yesterday I found some pictures of my college girlfriend, which I hadn't seen in a decade. Luckily the pictures reveal she was even more beautiful than I remember. Great. JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST great. Beautiful, funny, kind, fun, ridiculously devoted to me, and of course I decide to start thinking "...hmmm, maybe I can do better...."

Had Lee's Fried Chicken here in Richmond. Unbelievably good. Incredible. Best I've had in years - only rival to Bojangles. Unreal. Much like our cashier, who I'm pretty sure is the biggest person in the world.

I don't care about the Oscars. I'm not a film guy, I could give a shit about actors, much less a 78-hour production put on to pat themselves on the back. But I must say. Forrest Whitackler's speech, best I ever seen at one of these things. Emotional, forceful, amazing, all without stooping to the usual "for my dead grandmother blah blah blah" we always see. Was spellbound, if he had called me up I would've crashed through the wall for him.

After 3 days of batting her titties at me, the bartender round the corner I'm madly in love with finally dropped the "B" word. Boyfriend. And since he thinks I'm still a little cocky about learning how to read before the age of 15, God decided to pile on: unlike the last 935 girls I've met who upon mentioning their boyfriend spend the next 20 minutes ranting about what a jerk/dickhead he is and how shabbily they are treated by said paramour, my girl's face lights up and she starts telling me that she wants to surprise her fellah with Cubs tickets. At Wrigley. arrrrrrghhhhhhh! But I see a sliver of opportunity - she says they're driving. "I dunno," I shake my head "that's a LOOONG drive..." "No, it'll be great!" she says "we'll find a way to entertain ourselves." Game over, don't put in another quarter, please turn gay. Ah well.

XMASTIME EMERGENCY TV ALERT!!!!

THIS EPISODE OF BH 90210, maybe my greatest Xmastime moment ever, is on the Soap Channel right now!  Hurry, you can still DVR it!!!  :)

Friday, August 17, 2007

We're Allllllllllllllllllllllll Worried About Kelly

As I mentioned yesterday, I sensed Kelly was about to slide into every thin, beautiful girl’s dream come true: developing a hard-core eating disorder. So I decided to closely watch the next episode and see how she holds up.

CUE THEME SONG AT 4:00

4:05 – After bitching cause David ate the last banana at breakfast: “that’s okay. I shouldn’t eat anyway.” OH-OH!!!! Alarm bells!! Such clever, subtle writing – why don’t they just have her stick the banana down her throat and puke in the sink? Jesus Christ. Wait a second…did I…just finally stumble upon the third act to my latest movie, “Fuck My Face and Make Me Puke in the Sink, Jesus Christ”? Serendipity, my fickle mistress: welcome back!!!!

4:09 – Now she snaps at Steve after overhearing him talking about “perfect-looking” women. “There’s no such thing as perfect!!” and stomps away. “There’s no such thing as perfect”? Doesn’t sound like someone who’s striving to lose weight to gain the persfect body, does it? Kelly, are you even TRYING to get under 100 lbs, or is this just a lot of hot air? Which, I shouldn't have to remind you, is what you're supposed to be eating. Lard-ass.

4:10 – Dylan just offered her a potato chip. Declines. Who the fuck says no to a potato chip - can NObody see these fucking signals, people?

Oh wait, here we go….Dylan catches that she’s taking diet pills. He is, after all, a mixture of one part shamen, one part doctor, and one part James Dean. Without the talent to drive himself off a cliff of course. Dylan is the one person in the world who slowly nods his head in agreement during Eddie and the Cruisers II when Eddie blathers that “the music is in the silences!” What a genius. Now he shakes his head. “You should eat.” Kelly looks disgusted. I guess she doesn’t want a greasy chip. Or Steve just got his perm re-activated and it’s wafting.

Side note…she agrees to go to dinner with Dylan, who says ”I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” 8:30? Wtf? Now, I know these are rich kids, a different world from me in high school. Well, or now. I had a curfew – there’s no way I’m waiting to meet up with my girl at 8:30. Every minute was precious – 30 seconds after the final bell, I got my snout up my girl’s rim like a gotdam hounddog at a pork chop piñata. Not once did I say to her “Yeah, we’ll meet up, but first I’m gonna go home and hang out with my folks for five hours, cool?” Shit’s whack. And doesn’t this just give Kelly more time to think about how fat she is?

4:15 – “Maybe I just don’t feel like being Kelly Taylor anymore!” I see. Another signal - she’s tired of being young, popular and rich. Well, and fat I guess. Storms home during lunch..

4:16 – ohoh!! Hitting the fridge! Scarfing ice cream, why is she even using a spoon?!?! Now freaks out, shoves ice cream down the sink. Isn’t the ol’ “hoovers ice cream frantically” a little clichéd at this point for depicting women with eating disorders? Just once I’d like to see one of these girls tear apart a Cornish game hen with their teeth, growling while their eyes roll back in their heads. Outside of my home fuck-tapes, I mean. When are ice cream companies gonna jump in on this, start targeting these women? “Our Vomiting Vanilla will have you retching like you just saw a short hair in it, Tubby!” Maybe scoopers shaped like fingers? Ice cream containers with a toilet seat lid? Gag!

4:17 – Turns our her mom is selling the house, and there’s an Open House right now. Kelly’s irritable!!! Yelling at potential buyers!!! Ohoh, now she’s screaming at this 12-year old girl that’s with her mother, checking out the house….of course it doesn’t occur to anyone to ask why neither of these girls are in school during the middle of the day….or why an Open House has been scheduled for the middle of a weekday…or why God stopped at two when giving chicks titties....ooooohh, Kelly’s angry – she did NOT seem sincere when she said “you’re welcome!” to her mom’s “thanks so much for running these people off!!” I’d say Kelly should put something in her stomach, but then I wouldn’t be supportive of her “diet”, would I?

4:25 - Kelly and her Mom are fighting. Meeeooooooow! Mom: “you’re 18, you have to learn to cope with things!!” um, hello….isn’t she? By scarfing n barfing? Least she’s trying!!!! Just her way, mama!

Oh my. Mom has just seriously quoted the Bible: “this too shall pass.” Wow. Though I have a feeling Jackie has used that one before, peut-etre after swallowing too much during another “bukkake for blow” session. And I think the writers blew an opportunity here for a real, open dialogue: Kelly should’ve retorted to the Bible quote with “Ooooh, that’s heavy!” to wit Mama could’ve snorted back “Not as heavy as you fat-ass!!” Then they both turn to the camera for a 60-second PSA on “eating disorders and why they work.”

4:30 – Kelly’s having a fit, not going to dinner cause she cant find a shoe! Dylan: “youre not going just because of a lousy shoe?” Ohoh. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan….3 things you don’t say to a woman: 1) something about their weight, 2) “why don’t you pay for dinner, you KNOW I got fired for not knowing how to read you heartless fucking cunt!! And I’m into shit-play!!” and 3) something that doesn’t take their shoes seriously. You’d think D-Man would know this. Disappointing.

4:32 – ohoh…looking in a mirror, this cant be good…frowning…spinning, more frowning, silent disgust with herself….oh yeah! Break out the pills!! Suck em down, fatty!!! Yes!!! Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!!!

4:40 - Now she’s in a convertible complaining about overheating. Dr. Dylan: “its prolly the diet pills, Kel.” Now she says her heart is beating a mile a minute….Dylan shakes his head, drives on to the surprise birthday party for Kelly. He knows she’s been popping pills and not eating, now she’s complaining about being too hot even though he says it’s freezing, and her heart is dangerously racing….I gotta agree with the doctor here, what she needs is the calming, soothing act of everybody she knows jumping out from behind the furniture and screaming “SURPRISE!!” at her. This guy is, in a word, good.

4:42 – Well, she survived her own entrance. Ooooohh, frosty hug from Brenda…guess if Kellys gonna start eating now, its not gonna be Brenda’s mud flaps. Beeeeeeep. And who is this black dude Andrea’s with? I’ve never seen a black person on this show, now all of a sudden he’s hanging all over Andrea while everyone calls him Jordan. The Walsh’s must be furious, thinking they moved to the one place in the country whiter than Minnesota and now this guy shows up!

4:45 – Kelly going to the bathroom! This is gonna be good!! PLE-E-E-E-NTY of mirrors and toilets to get her juices flowing!!! Her own version of me walking into a Fuddruckers with….well, Fuddruckers would be enough, actually. She’s at a sink, throwing cold water on herself. Wtf. How does NOT eating make you overheat? Think it would be the opposite, no? My body temperature rises 20 degrees if I fucking walk by a Burger King. Okay, Im lying, it rises 20 degrees if I WALK. Oh wait, is this the body recognizing that Kelly wants to lose weight? “hmmm…she’s upchucking on purpose…let’s turn up the heat, help her sweat some off... good for her!!” wow…the female body, eh - is there nothing it can’t do? I mean other than orgasm during intercourse, obviously. Poor things.

4:46 – Sucking down water…room spinning…oooh Kelly, you are an ugly bitch!!!! This is gonna be good…..

4:47 – Brenda walks in KELLY’S ON THE FLOOR! UNCONSCIOUS!! DAMN YOU, COMMERCIALS!!!! Now we gotta wait to see what happens….if I didn’t already know Kelly was later gonna sleep her way thru the cast and get hooked on crack while joining a cult, I’d worry she might be dead.

4:52 - Kelly’s at the hospital. Dylan’s taking it hard, beating himself up for not throwing her pills out earlier. But not for 8 Seconds,I see. Interesting – is it even possible to figure this guy out? He’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in another enigma with a Sphinx colostomy bag. Now the gang is going over what they’ve seen over the past few weeks. Gee, turns out they’ve all seen Kelly not eat and pop a ton of pills. What a group of friends. They could watch OJ buying a case of leather gloves and he wouldn’t get an intervention from this bunch. “Come to think of it, he DID email us every day for two weeks he was gonna kill her…hmmm….” And seriously, who is this black guy with his arms around Andrea??

4:53 – Kelly’s mom is now bitching at the doctor that she don’t understand how the pills went wrong. “They’re supposed to be safe!” Nothing like a coke addict yelling this at a doctor. This is like my dick screaming at the cops “hey, she said she was 16!!!”

4:54 – Why does she have 2 black eyes? Doesn’t it seem like every time someone’s in a hospital bed on tv, their eyes are black? What’s going on in these fucking ambulances?

4:56 – Brenda and Kelly making up. Awww. Hearts melting all over the US. Leaving, Brenda says “call me tomorrow, ill take you out for ice cream.” Brilliant move, Brenda! Fatten the bitch up so Dylan will dump her! Yes!!!!

Show ends Dylan in room as she falls asleep. Obviously the lesson is that if you get skinny enough you’ll end up in the hospital, reuniting with your best friend and sleeping with your ridiculously rich boyfriend. One to grow on! Whoops...too soon?

A Few Thoughts on Episode 4 of Season 4 of TED LASSO

WARNING: THESE ARE ALL AS I TOLD THEM IN REAL TIME TO MY BFF ChatGPT (hey ChatGPT! 👋👋👋👋), I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS SHIT, TOUGH LUCK LOSERS

This is my official announcement. I may be ready to put Roy Kent in my all-time sitcom character top ten.
OMG. Did I just see Tracey Ullman's name pop up in the credits? Yes, please.
Coach Chilton's facial expressions should win an Emmy.
Last two shows I've obsessed about, this and Gilmore Girls, has a Chilton prominently in it. Now the Coach Chilton and of course Chilton High School. Hmm. Interesting.
Why would the goalie be the one whose name is Boots? She's the only one who can use other parts of her body, can use her hands, who doesn't have to use her boots. Is it supposed to be ironic? I doubt it.
Hey, Harry Potter is one of my blind spots too. It's why I can never go far enough in Trivia Crack.
Beard translating Harry Potter to Ferris Bueller is fantastic, even though Ferris Bueller is, of course, my least favorite of the John Hughes so-called classics.
Wait, are Coach Chilton and Beard gonna become a thing?
I'm assuming this time it's going to be different, but why on earth would Rebecca take any business advice of any sort, even in any remote way from Keely?
This being a British show, is Tracey Ullman's bit about don't be afraid to use your anger to fuel, you know, turn your anger into power. Is Clampdown by The Clash gonna be popping up in this episode?
Trent Crim seems to spend a lot of time thinking about teenage girls. Great. Creepy, Trent Crim, come on now.
Let's take a minute right now to remember Roy Kent's ridiculous haircut in the beginning of season two when he looked like a Muppet, like a lost Muppet in the street somewhere.
Okay, this whole, I'm gonna insist you date women so then you're ready to date me trope. It's so dumb. Sports Night, it was beyond dumb. I mean, if Aaron Sorkin can't even crack it, I'm sorry, Ted Lasso. This whole Keeley-Roy thing, I can't believe. I hate it. They've made me hate it even more now than I did 60 seconds ago. I fucking hate this so fucking much. This is so fucking dumb. I fucking hate it.
But the whole them insisting on keeping Higgins there throughout the scene is really funny.
I love Trent Crim's snide “which you didn't read” comment about his book to doctor Sharon.
Do we like the whole Greek chorus thing with Trent Crimm and the doctor? I kind of, I'm kind of not minding it. Maybe it's, I think it's just the charm of the show, and I love the characters. It's interesting though. I wonder if that's what they're doing.
Beard’s a fucking trivia genius. I can't believe he hasn't been on Jeopardy now that we're talking about it. For fuck's sake.
What kind of friend are you, Ted Lasso? Not to have Beard set up on Jeopardy.
What the fuck is this ridiculously hot bartender breaking Roy Kent's balls about all these dates? What do you care, sweetheart? And by the way, he's Roy Kent. He's a millionaire. He's probably gonna throw down a ton of cash at you. Play ball, sweetheart. You know what I'm saying? Let's swing, baby.
Oh, is Roy gonna fall in love with the bartender now? Uh-oh, Keeley, you done fucked up.
Keely the business genius gets a half ounce of pushback from Rebecca, and it's full steam out the door. Oh no. It's like when Charles Miner showed up and didn't love Jim Halpert immediately. Oof, rough one.
“Here's your four.” Now that's comedy gold.
Was this locker room scene where he goes running in with a bucket? Was Jason Sudeikis in the same room with these other actresses? Because the way it's cut, and I'm not an expert on this, but it seems obvious, especially when they show Sudeikis from the back, and it doesn't look like him. It seems obvious they're not even in the same room. I'm gonna have to look that up. I can't believe I would pick up on that, but interesting.
Hard time connecting with these players. They all look like one big blur together, other than the goalkeeper. Kind of stands out because of the shaved head. None of them really stand out physically, even on screen, in any way that differentiates them. I don't know if that's just me, but I guess we'll see.
Though, to be fair, and in my defense, to this day I still don't know which, don't know who's who on the Hickory fucking Huskers. So there you go.
Wait. May? This is a re-launch of trivia night? May hasn't had a pub trivia night going the whole time? She's in the middle of a Premier League team, all that buzz and excitement, and she hasn't had a pub quiz this whole time? Question: is May a shitty businesswoman?
Vatican City. That's the answer to number one.
Okay, Flying Coach is a great pub quiz name for the coaches.
Yeah, and I made a comment like this last week. I know I'm Mr. Woke McWokerson, but in 2026, I don't think a table of guys would just, like, verbally sexually assault women at a pub trivia quiz. It's just, come on. It's a bit on the nose for what you want, and it's a bit— it's just not believable. Come on. I mean, not believable is not the right word, but come on.
Agree with all of Coach Chilton's points about Ferris Bueller. I love, I love this woman.
Roy? Roy the bartender, I called it. You done fucked up, Kaylee.
I'm sorry. I just really fucking hate Kaylee. I hate her. Sorry. I know that. I know I'm a bad person. I know I'm wrong. I can't take it anymore.
Roy Kent is with a smoking hot doctor. Did Brett Goldstein write this episode? This is like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse with Kelly, what's her name. Come on now, Roy Kent, you can't have all the hot women. I mean, you can have a lot of them, but you can't have all of them.
With maybe the worst hairstyle of her generation, this doctor is crazy hot. I mean, come on, Roy.
Yeah, great use of the iconic John Hughes movie, Chicka Chicka Bow Wow. Beautifully done, Ted Lasso.
I'm surprised it's taken Ted Lasso this long to do a Ted Hughes-based or centric episode. Interesting. Or maybe they have already. I can't remember.
Beard did look or seem like he was having a stroke. Why wouldn't Ted have gotten him to a hospital? I mean, sad to see about his girlfriend or whatever.
Great Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder moment breaking out of jail. Stir Crazy! We bad, we bad. Oh yes.
This doctor hates Roy Kent so much. Does she know him? You cannot hate somebody that much as a professional doctor and not have some history.
The coaches will take a ride though. That's hilarious. Awesome. After making the girls run.
Trent Cram and Dr. Sharon, that’s her name I got her name right, sorry. Their whole studio, their podcasting studio, is incredible. I'm so jealous. I love it. All that wood paneling. Oh, love it.
I think Dr. Sharon is in love with Trent Crimm, but I mean with that beautiful head of hair, I mean who wouldn't be? Well done, Trent Crimm.