Monday, April 30, 2007
The War, Dating Cats, Neil Young
I saw the other day that 27% of those polled approve of the way Iraq has been handled and how the war is progressing. The tv dude was lamenting how low this number is for Bush; all I can think of is how the fuck is it that HIGH - who the hell are these 27%?? I mean, camon....you’re a Bushie mouth-piece on Hardball okay, I know you have to sit there and toe the company line. But a random, anonymous poll in the streets? I find this number astounding. Really – do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody that knows anybody that is dating a cat? Whoops, I mean that actaully thinks this, that the war is going well and has been handled correctly? I’m flummoxed.
Also. I’ve fucking had it with this nonsense re: any public discussion on the war will make the troops over there upset, that they’ll lose their morale and turn from the incredibly brave, freedom-loving righteousness-bearing GI Joes that we like to call them into hamsters in a corner pissing themselves crying because they overheard someone saying that we want to bring them home. Hmm. Not even just dissension, mind you - mere TALKING about it will send the troops into a tizzy. First of all, as much as we’d like to believe that after 14 hours of baking in the sun while picking up exploded body parts and trying not to get shot at by little kids the troops immediately hunker down for a few hours of C-Span, I doubt it. But the point is, if you were stuck in a shitty situation like that, wouldn’t you WANT there to be discussion of 1) should you be there in the first place 2) when you’re getting the fuck out of there? I don’t understand this; do prisoners think like this?
“Yo Mac, your lawyer’s on the phone with the governor. Talking bout gettin you outta this shit.”
”What?? NONONO!! They’re talking about me, my morale! My morale!!!” (sodomizes self, refuses to lift weights for a week.)
Are there really troops over there that dammit, just wish we'd all shut up about it and let them do their thing!! "We'll let you know when we're done, you go back to your lives and families goddammit! Don't MAKE us have to come back and occupy your candy asses!!!"
Of course, the GOP would like you to believe that the troops would be furious/insulted if we ended this nonsense and brought them home; that their sense of duty and knowing what’s right, something we can’t even begin to understand, makes them refuse to come home until the war is “won”; ie about 17,000 years from now. That’s a lot of school plays and Little League games missed. Luckily, Bush et al know this and grant them what they crave: extending their tours of duty. You’re welcome, troops!
I mean, do people really fall for this shit? Unreal. Quit with this nonsense that the troops are crying in the sand cause we’d like them to get out of this fake war they were put in and get on with their lives. So I’m not in love with extending John Q. Public’s tour AGAIN AND AGAIN until he finally gets a leg blown off and can come to Walter Reed and have a rat gnaw on his stump while the righties from the old Congress desperately try to figure out a way to cut his Veteran’s Benefits for a fourth time. I guess that makes me a troop-hating non-Patriot. Yeah. That makes sense.
Also. I can’t fully wrap my head around just how egregiously irresponsible/stupid/childish/offensive/ironic Rudy’s remarks re: the terror that will completely engulf us if a Democrat becomes president. But isn’t this as close to yelling “FIRE!” in a crowded movie theater as someone in his position can come? I’ve touched on the irony of Rudy running on protecting us from terrorism many times here. Why doesn’t he just come out and say “If a Democrat wins the election, I will personally blow us all to shreds”? I mean, camon. No gov’ner!!!!!
On a side note, after about 20 years of people furiously trying to force him on me, I finally have 3 Neil Young songs I like. "Rocking in the Free World", "Helpless" and "After the Garden." Congratulations, Neil. We're all thrilled for you.
Also. I’ve fucking had it with this nonsense re: any public discussion on the war will make the troops over there upset, that they’ll lose their morale and turn from the incredibly brave, freedom-loving righteousness-bearing GI Joes that we like to call them into hamsters in a corner pissing themselves crying because they overheard someone saying that we want to bring them home. Hmm. Not even just dissension, mind you - mere TALKING about it will send the troops into a tizzy. First of all, as much as we’d like to believe that after 14 hours of baking in the sun while picking up exploded body parts and trying not to get shot at by little kids the troops immediately hunker down for a few hours of C-Span, I doubt it. But the point is, if you were stuck in a shitty situation like that, wouldn’t you WANT there to be discussion of 1) should you be there in the first place 2) when you’re getting the fuck out of there? I don’t understand this; do prisoners think like this?
“Yo Mac, your lawyer’s on the phone with the governor. Talking bout gettin you outta this shit.”
”What?? NONONO!! They’re talking about me, my morale! My morale!!!” (sodomizes self, refuses to lift weights for a week.)
Are there really troops over there that dammit, just wish we'd all shut up about it and let them do their thing!! "We'll let you know when we're done, you go back to your lives and families goddammit! Don't MAKE us have to come back and occupy your candy asses!!!"
Of course, the GOP would like you to believe that the troops would be furious/insulted if we ended this nonsense and brought them home; that their sense of duty and knowing what’s right, something we can’t even begin to understand, makes them refuse to come home until the war is “won”; ie about 17,000 years from now. That’s a lot of school plays and Little League games missed. Luckily, Bush et al know this and grant them what they crave: extending their tours of duty. You’re welcome, troops!
I mean, do people really fall for this shit? Unreal. Quit with this nonsense that the troops are crying in the sand cause we’d like them to get out of this fake war they were put in and get on with their lives. So I’m not in love with extending John Q. Public’s tour AGAIN AND AGAIN until he finally gets a leg blown off and can come to Walter Reed and have a rat gnaw on his stump while the righties from the old Congress desperately try to figure out a way to cut his Veteran’s Benefits for a fourth time. I guess that makes me a troop-hating non-Patriot. Yeah. That makes sense.
Also. I can’t fully wrap my head around just how egregiously irresponsible/stupid/childish/offensive/ironic Rudy’s remarks re: the terror that will completely engulf us if a Democrat becomes president. But isn’t this as close to yelling “FIRE!” in a crowded movie theater as someone in his position can come? I’ve touched on the irony of Rudy running on protecting us from terrorism many times here. Why doesn’t he just come out and say “If a Democrat wins the election, I will personally blow us all to shreds”? I mean, camon. No gov’ner!!!!!
On a side note, after about 20 years of people furiously trying to force him on me, I finally have 3 Neil Young songs I like. "Rocking in the Free World", "Helpless" and "After the Garden." Congratulations, Neil. We're all thrilled for you.
Dead Girls. Must Be Monday.
Coupla days ago I was trucking round Graham Avenue; taking in the sights of a brand new spring while gracefully accepting catcalls from the young ladies out on the streets. Yes it’s gauche on their part, but it’s finally warm out, they’re a bit randy and, as I’ve explained many times before, women are made up of hormones and water, so they can’t help themselves.
Anyway. I was at this moment walking down the street, FUMING about a menu I had just seen in a window wherein I read that if you want to add a piece of cheese to your precious fucking hamburger it costs you A FUCKING DOLLAR. A FUCKING DOLLAR??!?!?!? FOR A SINGLE SLICE OF CHEESE ON YOUR ALREADY $8.00 HAMBURGER!??!?!!!! ARRRGHHHH!!! So I’m bopping down the street, as I’m want to do, and I casually notice that I’m rolling up on a tombstone store. Which I don't think I've ever encountered before, big window, right on the street. Big storefront, with monuments in the window. Little weird, I’m thinking. But then I see something very strange. One of the tombstones they got there for show:
LISA PANELLI
June 20, 1991 – April 3,1999
BLESS OUR BABY GIRL
AND on the stone is a picture of the freaking girl!! What the fuck? Am I crazy, or is this a little weird, having a kid’s tombstone out to shill for customers? Who is this even for; the scrappy 7 year-old saving up her allowance for “my stone”? Are there parents strolling around looking at it, saying “you know baby, if little Suzy gets raped by some thugs and then left for dead in a stairway with her head severed, wouldn’t this stone be freaking PERfect?”
Who’s the brainiac behind this one? “You know what might be great for business? Cute little dead girl in a pink sweater. Get my markers, I’ll sketch it out.”
Christ.
Anyway. I was at this moment walking down the street, FUMING about a menu I had just seen in a window wherein I read that if you want to add a piece of cheese to your precious fucking hamburger it costs you A FUCKING DOLLAR. A FUCKING DOLLAR??!?!?!? FOR A SINGLE SLICE OF CHEESE ON YOUR ALREADY $8.00 HAMBURGER!??!?!!!! ARRRGHHHH!!! So I’m bopping down the street, as I’m want to do, and I casually notice that I’m rolling up on a tombstone store. Which I don't think I've ever encountered before, big window, right on the street. Big storefront, with monuments in the window. Little weird, I’m thinking. But then I see something very strange. One of the tombstones they got there for show:
LISA PANELLI
June 20, 1991 – April 3,1999
BLESS OUR BABY GIRL
AND on the stone is a picture of the freaking girl!! What the fuck? Am I crazy, or is this a little weird, having a kid’s tombstone out to shill for customers? Who is this even for; the scrappy 7 year-old saving up her allowance for “my stone”? Are there parents strolling around looking at it, saying “you know baby, if little Suzy gets raped by some thugs and then left for dead in a stairway with her head severed, wouldn’t this stone be freaking PERfect?”
Who’s the brainiac behind this one? “You know what might be great for business? Cute little dead girl in a pink sweater. Get my markers, I’ll sketch it out.”
Christ.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Today's Nangulance Awards
Nangulance: n. the minor turbulances of life that, while small and nebulous, can collect to make your head explode.
Bronze Medal: The Motherfuckers Standing at the Door So I Can’t Get off the Fucking Train. An oldie but a goodie, this is a classic that I’m sure started with the Mayor of NYC, after completing the initial symbolic subway ride, being met at the door with dipshits standing directly in the doorway, panting and sweating “camon bro! off the fucking train!” The thing I don’t get about this shit is it’s never the just-off-the-farm corn-fed farmboys getting-on-the-train-for-the-first-time dudes who make this mistake, it’s the born-in-Brooklyn pants-down-to-the-ankles-NorthFace-wearing-doo-rag wife-beater-wearin dude who’s standing there as I’m trying to get off. Here’s a guy that has ridden the train every day of his life, but it still hasn’t occurred to him to get out of the way so people can get OFF the train, therein letting him get ON the train. Hell, not only are there signs everywhere to step aside, but they announce it constantly on the PA. Hey dumbass, I know you can’t read, are you fucking deaf too? Actually maybe you are - your buddies too, since as I’m weaving my way around you’re screaming to them standing behind you on the platform, “CMON NIG-GAH, NIG-GAH CMON NOW NIG-GAH!” Very smart on your part to use my face to create an echo so that your boyz hear you screaming. Much easier than turning around. Bravo, fuckwad.
Silver Medal: The Motherfuckers That Get to the Top of the Subway Steps and Decide to Stand There and Look Around. Again, maybe this is a health issue: did you simply not see the thousand people on the train with you? Did you not notice the sounds of the people behind you? Did you not see the ass of the very person you were walking behind on the steps? No? You can see/hear fine? Oh, then you’re just a fucking douchebag then? Great. I wish I had your parents when I was growing up, someone to let me know that I am the ONLY person in the whole world and life on this planet stops if I wanna take a second to inhale some fresh air and slowly look around, taking in the scenery. Must be nice. I’m flattered you even rode on our humble subway, surely you are destined for better rides:
Bravo, fuckwad.
GOLD MEDAL: You Motherfuckers on the Sidewalk. This should be a lifetime achievement award, as it happens EVERY FUCKING TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE. But especially if I’m running just a liiiiiiiittle late and kinda wanna book it to the train; this is when the “Total Fuckwad Bat-Signal” goes out and people swarm the sidewalk to slow me down. But it’s not the number of people, it’s how they somehow cleverly fill up the sidewalk JUST enough so I can’t pass them. They’ll spread out 3 or 4 wide, seemingly passable, slooooooowly dithering along as I’m bobbing and weaving behind them, looking for a hole. Four hipster motherfuckers looking around like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen bricks and windows, and I’ve gotta be fucking Gale Sayers to get by them. They’re really brilliant – I try to go left and they JUUUUUUUUUST ease over to the left so I can’t get by. At any step I’m perfectly, geometrically hemmed in by any combination of trees, garbage, cars and fuckwads. Unreal. The hand signals these people must have. “He’s going right!! Use the Happy Hour sign to cut him off!” Takes 20 minutes to walk two blocks, and by then I’ve actually walked about 18 miles, darting back and forth left and right trying to pass these motherfuckers. Unreal. Bravo, fuckwads.
Bronze Medal: The Motherfuckers Standing at the Door So I Can’t Get off the Fucking Train. An oldie but a goodie, this is a classic that I’m sure started with the Mayor of NYC, after completing the initial symbolic subway ride, being met at the door with dipshits standing directly in the doorway, panting and sweating “camon bro! off the fucking train!” The thing I don’t get about this shit is it’s never the just-off-the-farm corn-fed farmboys getting-on-the-train-for-the-first-time dudes who make this mistake, it’s the born-in-Brooklyn pants-down-to-the-ankles-NorthFace-wearing-doo-rag wife-beater-wearin dude who’s standing there as I’m trying to get off. Here’s a guy that has ridden the train every day of his life, but it still hasn’t occurred to him to get out of the way so people can get OFF the train, therein letting him get ON the train. Hell, not only are there signs everywhere to step aside, but they announce it constantly on the PA. Hey dumbass, I know you can’t read, are you fucking deaf too? Actually maybe you are - your buddies too, since as I’m weaving my way around you’re screaming to them standing behind you on the platform, “CMON NIG-GAH, NIG-GAH CMON NOW NIG-GAH!” Very smart on your part to use my face to create an echo so that your boyz hear you screaming. Much easier than turning around. Bravo, fuckwad.
Silver Medal: The Motherfuckers That Get to the Top of the Subway Steps and Decide to Stand There and Look Around. Again, maybe this is a health issue: did you simply not see the thousand people on the train with you? Did you not notice the sounds of the people behind you? Did you not see the ass of the very person you were walking behind on the steps? No? You can see/hear fine? Oh, then you’re just a fucking douchebag then? Great. I wish I had your parents when I was growing up, someone to let me know that I am the ONLY person in the whole world and life on this planet stops if I wanna take a second to inhale some fresh air and slowly look around, taking in the scenery. Must be nice. I’m flattered you even rode on our humble subway, surely you are destined for better rides:
Bravo, fuckwad.
GOLD MEDAL: You Motherfuckers on the Sidewalk. This should be a lifetime achievement award, as it happens EVERY FUCKING TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE. But especially if I’m running just a liiiiiiiittle late and kinda wanna book it to the train; this is when the “Total Fuckwad Bat-Signal” goes out and people swarm the sidewalk to slow me down. But it’s not the number of people, it’s how they somehow cleverly fill up the sidewalk JUST enough so I can’t pass them. They’ll spread out 3 or 4 wide, seemingly passable, slooooooowly dithering along as I’m bobbing and weaving behind them, looking for a hole. Four hipster motherfuckers looking around like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen bricks and windows, and I’ve gotta be fucking Gale Sayers to get by them. They’re really brilliant – I try to go left and they JUUUUUUUUUST ease over to the left so I can’t get by. At any step I’m perfectly, geometrically hemmed in by any combination of trees, garbage, cars and fuckwads. Unreal. The hand signals these people must have. “He’s going right!! Use the Happy Hour sign to cut him off!” Takes 20 minutes to walk two blocks, and by then I’ve actually walked about 18 miles, darting back and forth left and right trying to pass these motherfuckers. Unreal. Bravo, fuckwads.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
David Halberstam
David Halberstam dying really sucks. An amazing author, plus a great tv guest who everything he said was right, profound, and right. Shocking death as well; you never think of someone 73 and so accomplished dying in, of all things, a car crash. Don't seem right. The Best and the Brightest should be taught in every college as well as every incoming adminsitration. Though who would care if he also wasn't such a great sports guy? RIP. One of the all-time greats.
The Rich and Beautiful
So, this is how the absurdly rich and beautiful talk/hang out when they're together. "You have nothing to say, I have nothing to say, let's text everyone we know while the cameras pop and then go leak a fuck-tape of ourselves." Had no idea. Doesn't seem as thrilling as I'd thought. Seems a waste. Is this the saddest picture you've ever seen? You're that young, good-looking and rich, at a Lakers game and the best you can come up with is to stare at your fones? I'm old, ugly and poor and within minutes of walking into a bar I have commanded the crowd into performing my own re-write of "Tartuffe." Christ.
and yes, I know THIS picture is actually sadder
But you get my point.
But what a superfan, dressed up in the Lakers' regala!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Why Not
I don't know why, but it just occurred to me that the woman I am looking for is probably British. No idea why, just hit me. So maybe when I go to Europe this summer, I don't come back. Wouldn't that be something. Me, with a British woman. Fascinating.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
"Lookit My Ass!"
I would think sometimes women get a little fed up with the red carpet treatment; ie dress up in something sheer and sexy, showing your wonder-bra'd rack so that the world can ogle you. You're a brilliant actress/director/producer, you spent a year working on the script working 16-hour days developing a story, you've reached deep into your own soul to pull out emotions you didn't even know you had...and now your shining moment at the end of all this comes when you paint on something that shows us if you wax and you smile your face off while the cameras pop and we all sit back and judge "hot" "not hot" "fat." Do women really like this? I understand wanting to see the fashions, but the parading?
But the best part is I also notice that at some point every woman is asked to turn around, take a spin so we can see the back. What? So she turns around, basically saying "look at my ass." How do we pull this off? Brilliant. No where else can I say "It was nice meeting you, that presentation was great and we'll definitly crunch the numbers, now why don't you take a lil spin so I can check out them hind parts?" I mean, are women okay with this? Obviously I fucking love it, but still.
I mean, are you spraying me with your sex scent like an animal? Can I stick my head in there? "Hold my camera, I gotta whiff some territorial scent gland."
Seems odd, am I crazy? Asking the womenz out there.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Before the inevitable angry comments come in YES, I am aware that I am an amazingly hideous 800lb bed-wetting baby-dicked sorry excuse for living that shouldn't even dream of even looking at or talking about women like this, so you can keep those comments to yourself. Fuckwad.
But the best part is I also notice that at some point every woman is asked to turn around, take a spin so we can see the back. What? So she turns around, basically saying "look at my ass." How do we pull this off? Brilliant. No where else can I say "It was nice meeting you, that presentation was great and we'll definitly crunch the numbers, now why don't you take a lil spin so I can check out them hind parts?" I mean, are women okay with this? Obviously I fucking love it, but still.
I mean, are you spraying me with your sex scent like an animal? Can I stick my head in there? "Hold my camera, I gotta whiff some territorial scent gland."
Seems odd, am I crazy? Asking the womenz out there.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Before the inevitable angry comments come in YES, I am aware that I am an amazingly hideous 800lb bed-wetting baby-dicked sorry excuse for living that shouldn't even dream of even looking at or talking about women like this, so you can keep those comments to yourself. Fuckwad.
Say What?
Flipping through the channels, as I’m want to do on Hump-Day Night, I click on the guide and see that coming up is “Untamed Heart.” Mmmmm my libido thumps on my vas deferens like it’s playing speedbag, Marisa Tomeii! An all-time Xmas girl. Then I see the program description:
“Quirky”? Really?
I don't know if being a retarded mute with, oh yeah, a BABOON'S HEART qualifies as "quirky." A great pick-up line with the ladies? Maybe. But quirky? Nyet.
"Yo! Throw me one of them magazines!"
“Minneapolis waitress falls for quirky busboy.”
“Quirky”? Really?
quirky – adjective “having a peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy”
I don't know if being a retarded mute with, oh yeah, a BABOON'S HEART qualifies as "quirky." A great pick-up line with the ladies? Maybe. But quirky? Nyet.
"Yo! Throw me one of them magazines!"
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Proud to Be an American
My thoughts on the Va Tech massacre are pretty much you know what, I give up. I’m not shocked, I’m not surprised, I give up. The gun lobby has too much power and too much money; to even sit here and think we’re gonna have serious change re: the gun laws is silly. So let’s stop with the “national grieving”, let’s stop with the utter shock. Let’s go about our day, shrug our shoulders and say “well, that’s the price someone else pays so that I can stock my house with a ton of guns.” You know, to “protect my family.” I don’t want one goddam politician or NRA dude onscreen crying, using some air time to squeeze out some tears about this “tragedy.” I want Charlton Heston on the screen with an AK-47 shouting “from my cold, dead hands!!” Cause that’s what we’ve chosen. We keep hiding behind the Constitution (which, if I recall from school a million years ago, has something ironically enough called “amendments.” Hmm.) so that my getting blown away on the street by anyone who has waited thru the 11-minute waiting period and “background check” is worth it so that we can all fortify ourselves. Being able to buy as many guns as I want is way more inportant than most anything in this country; certainly more valuable to us than these 33 (so far) people that were executed. So stop crying, stop whining. We still get to stock up on guns. We should be more fucking shocked this doesn’t happen at least once a week. And the NRA’s stance on “well, all the kids at the school should’ve been equipped with guns” is, in a word, brilliant. What better mix than guns, kids and alcohol? The price of being an American. Don't like it? Move to Canada, you fucking pussy; I'm buying a gun store.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Do I Have to Beg?
Obama. Clumsy at best. Still doesn't realize he's the one candidate that can say "fuck it", run the table and either hit a game-winning walk-off granny in the 7th game of the World Series or completely whiff at the plate - either way, lion hearted. For once can we have a candidate that says hey, unless I have a chance at fucking knocking out this list of shit I care about, I don't care about becoming President. Instead, we get "I demand health care for everyone, pulling outta Iraq and stem cell research....oh, to become Prez I have to bomb abortion clinics, disavow evolution and send more kids into Iraq? You got it! Whatever it takes!!!" Do we even have the "swing away" sign from the 3rd base coach's box anymore? Hey, guess what - you're running for President. You're in the game. Even if you lose, I doubt you'll be collecting aluminum cans after little league softball games for chrissake. You made $991k this year; if you're gonna have your income cut in half you might as well get shit done that means something to you, no? Otherwise, why bother?
Well. Unless you're this guy.
What is it with these people? They think that they'll drop from "Democratic Nominee for President" to "Star Jones' Skin Caddy." Camon.
Obama. Stop with the generic vagueness, the ambiguity, the...whatever else thesaurus.com feeds me. You have people who have never voted before registering just so they can vote for you, you have people who voted for Reagan swinging over to you even without a real reason yet, only because they're begging for a change. People begging for clarity, a reason to believe. Grab it and say "I want a,b,c,x,y,z" and go down swinging. Otherwise, we'll happily settle for Hillary or whatever centrist candidate is sprinting to please everybody and nobody just so they can do absolutely nothing. Hope you'll feel good showing up on Russert's show the rest of your life cranking out books that mean nothing when you could've been the Beatles of American politics - raw excitement that ends up being even better than you ever dreamed possible.
And don't fucking quote Robert Kennedy if you're not going to go to the mat with no guv'ner:
1968. Boy, have we changed.
Well. Unless you're this guy.
What is it with these people? They think that they'll drop from "Democratic Nominee for President" to "Star Jones' Skin Caddy." Camon.
Obama. Stop with the generic vagueness, the ambiguity, the...whatever else thesaurus.com feeds me. You have people who have never voted before registering just so they can vote for you, you have people who voted for Reagan swinging over to you even without a real reason yet, only because they're begging for a change. People begging for clarity, a reason to believe. Grab it and say "I want a,b,c,x,y,z" and go down swinging. Otherwise, we'll happily settle for Hillary or whatever centrist candidate is sprinting to please everybody and nobody just so they can do absolutely nothing. Hope you'll feel good showing up on Russert's show the rest of your life cranking out books that mean nothing when you could've been the Beatles of American politics - raw excitement that ends up being even better than you ever dreamed possible.
And don't fucking quote Robert Kennedy if you're not going to go to the mat with no guv'ner:
"Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded....Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire."
1968. Boy, have we changed.
Sports Girls. No Thanks.
And enough with dudes who are thrilled whenever a woman who loves sports pops up. "DUDE, she fucking LOVES football, isn't that awesome?"
No. It's not. Not a good selling point. These are the same idiots who are thrilled when they find out a girl is a lesbian. Oh goody, one MORE subject she's better at than myself. I mean, can I have one fucking thing to myself; can I at least have sports for fuck's sake? Do we have to know the same EVERYthing? Plus, it at least gives me ONE thing to be mysterious about, my sports life is something about which she should be in the dark - can I at least be a TINY bit of an enigma to this person? Please? I'm a simple man, just please give me this much. You be clueless about sports, and I'll be the same about what my asshole tastes like. Deal, baby?
No. It's not. Not a good selling point. These are the same idiots who are thrilled when they find out a girl is a lesbian. Oh goody, one MORE subject she's better at than myself. I mean, can I have one fucking thing to myself; can I at least have sports for fuck's sake? Do we have to know the same EVERYthing? Plus, it at least gives me ONE thing to be mysterious about, my sports life is something about which she should be in the dark - can I at least be a TINY bit of an enigma to this person? Please? I'm a simple man, just please give me this much. You be clueless about sports, and I'll be the same about what my asshole tastes like. Deal, baby?
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I May Be Sleeping with Snakes
I don't truck much with the let's-get-a-pretend-laugh stereotypes we all throw about on a daily basis re: men and women: men are dullards who forget anniversaries & would rather scream at "Sports Center" with their buddies than commit to a woman; women are nags who want to talk feelings 24/7 and are, of course, "crazy." Blah blah blah. I always assume in the end people are all kinda the same, we all wanna be nice, we're all a little crazy, we all want the same things.
But then I think of Halle Berry, and it occurs to me you know what, maybe it's the dudes who are crazy? I mean she's been married & divorced TWICE and both times it wasn't because she realized "hey wait a minute I'm Halle Berry for fucks sake, I can do better than this idiot"; both times it's because of the dudes acting like complete lunatics. David Justice was married to her and one day he decided "I get to sleep with arguably the single hottest woman in the world every night, and all she asks in return is that she be able to devote herself to our lives together...hmmmmmm, sounds like it's time to start slapping her around." Sure makes sense to me, David Justice!
And then the next dipshit, Eric whatshisname. This dude's a complete nobody, somehow gets plucked outta the nothingsphere to be Mr. Halle Berry. And so what does he do? Run hot baths for her, you say? Rub her feet all night while baking her sugar cookies? Nah. Our guy Eric decides "you know what...this is probably a good time to start fucking other women." Brilliant.
And then of course he blames it on his affliction, his being "addicted to sex." Oh no, poor Eric! He has a medical problem! It's called "Ihaveadick-itis" dumbass, and guess what: we're ALL sex addicts, and you're married to the woman we all wanna have sex with!! I mean, what the fuck is wrong with these dudes?
I've been sitting here wondering what it would take to make me leave Halle Berry, or even remotely rock the boat to fuck things up. So far I've come up with a scenario in which if she insists I have to sleep in a room filled with King Cobras every night, I'd leave her. But even then I'm hesitating, even then I'm confirming with a friend:
And then the next dipshit, Eric whatshisname. This dude's a complete nobody, somehow gets plucked outta the nothingsphere to be Mr. Halle Berry. And so what does he do? Run hot baths for her, you say? Rub her feet all night while baking her sugar cookies? Nah. Our guy Eric decides "you know what...this is probably a good time to start fucking other women." Brilliant.
And then of course he blames it on his affliction, his being "addicted to sex." Oh no, poor Eric! He has a medical problem! It's called "Ihaveadick-itis" dumbass, and guess what: we're ALL sex addicts, and you're married to the woman we all wanna have sex with!! I mean, what the fuck is wrong with these dudes?
I've been sitting here wondering what it would take to make me leave Halle Berry, or even remotely rock the boat to fuck things up. So far I've come up with a scenario in which if she insists I have to sleep in a room filled with King Cobras every night, I'd leave her. But even then I'm hesitating, even then I'm confirming with a friend:
"I mean, that's fucking crazy, right? I can't do that."Along with the standard "hotness/crazy" ratio we all work under within the physics of the known Universe, is there’s somehow a level at which the “how crazy does she have to be for him to leave her?” get flipped to “she’s so hot that even if she’s not crazy at all, somehow the men end up being the ones who are revealed to be batshit crazy”?
"Dude. She's crazy, you gotta get outta there."
"Yeah...I mean, that's crazy, right? (long pause) right? I mean...there's no way I could make friends with the snakes, right? Would you do it? No, right? Yes? No?"
"Dude."
"No no no, I'm just saying, I mean...you'd leave, right? Right? Sure you would, yeah, me too...yeah, I'm definitely breaking up with her (slooooooooooowly dialing digits to call her, closing phone, rethinking, slooooooooooowly dialing again, closes phone again....)...but I mean I dunno, how dangerous ARE King Cobras, really..."
Monday, April 16, 2007
Weird.
DON Imus gets in deep shit for using the word "HO." Days later, Don HO dies. Hmm. I'm just saying.
Little TOO dead-on to suggest this mf had a hand in this?
Little TOO dead-on to suggest this mf had a hand in this?
An Ironically Named Grocery Store (It Was a Dark and Stormy Night)
I don’t even know why I bother with Topps anymore. My local grocery store, when I first moved here it was a bit of a dump – first time I went I walked out with 21 hot dogs and 5 lbs of potatos for $2. I was elated. Star Jones in shit, as they say. But over the years they changed as more and more trust fund hipsters flooded in and wanted their artichoke heart fronds sorbet with foie gras drizzle, and poor people like me whose parents hadn’t invented coffee were kinda priced out. But I could always find a deal in there, somehow. Bout a year ago I got into a groove where they had a bag of potatoes for $1.39, down from the usual $3.99. Got them a few times, then of course they disappeared. Guess they got tired of the 4000% profit they were still getting. This happened with a few other items, but tonite was the final straw. Rolled in to get some popcorn – you can usually get a jar of popcorn for 79 cents. Awesome. Makes about 5-6 good sized batches. Hell, you can bout find 79 cents on the 5-minute walk to Topps; if not you can get it by walking up alongside an elderly lady, wheelchair bound even better, distract her with some pleasant conversation and a smile, and crack her windpipe in half. As she’s gasping for air/life, grab a dollar from her purse. Tonite? None on the shelf. I’m searching, digging past the Orville/Jiffy Pop whatever stuff, digging into the back. Nada. Now I’m pissed and do something I never do – tip a black waiter. Hiyooo! I’m kidding. I asked a girl that was working there. She listened to my beef, looked at the shelf and happily exclaimed “oh yeah – we replaced it with this!” and shoved a box of microwave popcorn in my hands. 3 bags. $6.99. $6.99!!!!!! Repeating the price here would’ve been more effective if you could capitalize numbers. Are you kidding me? $6.99? I looked at the box and could see why - apparently this shit is made out of flax and rainbows, Orville Reddenbacker’s niece comes to personally cook it for you while her older, more experienced sister on a break from private school in the Alps reads Camus to you while dipping your balls in the melted butter and swabbing it off with her soft, nubile double-jointed tongue. Unfuckingbelievable. Fucking Topps. Why do I bother??!!
Every Freaking Time
I’ve noticed the more shit I have in my hands, the more stuff I’m lugging as I’m walking up to my door, the higher the odds that my keys are not in the pocket nearest my free hand. “Oh God, please” I’ll murmur as I wiggle my hand down into my pocket, balancing a box between my elbow and hip, 14 bags etc on my other side, “please let my keys be in THIS pocket...”
Sigh.
Gotta stop, put down the 300 fucking pounds of cargo I’m carrying, fish out my keys from my OTHER pocket and spend another 5 minutes cracking logorhythms to pick everything up again to make one trip. Every fucking time. FUCK!
XMASTIME PROVERB: The sun is always in my eyes, the wind is never at my back, my keys are always in the wrong pocket, and at this point I don't even know if a vagina goes in or out.
PS - I had at first typed "woman's vagina." ha!
PPS - I just used "vagina" and "in or out" in a sentence.
PPPS - My life is a tiny, black, empty kernel of nothingness and sometimes I wish I had the guts to get a gun, stick it in my eye and spray my brains all over my ALF poster.
PPPPS - I have never stuck with my favorite "Friends" girl for very long; I've gone from Monica to Rachel back to Monica to Phoebe to swearing off Monica forever to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel to Phoebe for a good two years then back to Rachel then catching myself before letting Monica back into my faux boudoir back to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel's Mom to Rachel to Rachel's Mom to Phoebe and now I think I'm gonna make a serious, adult effort to stick with Rachel from here on out. Time to grow up, goddammit.
Sigh.
Gotta stop, put down the 300 fucking pounds of cargo I’m carrying, fish out my keys from my OTHER pocket and spend another 5 minutes cracking logorhythms to pick everything up again to make one trip. Every fucking time. FUCK!
XMASTIME PROVERB: The sun is always in my eyes, the wind is never at my back, my keys are always in the wrong pocket, and at this point I don't even know if a vagina goes in or out.
PS - I had at first typed "woman's vagina." ha!
PPS - I just used "vagina" and "in or out" in a sentence.
PPPS - My life is a tiny, black, empty kernel of nothingness and sometimes I wish I had the guts to get a gun, stick it in my eye and spray my brains all over my ALF poster.
PPPPS - I have never stuck with my favorite "Friends" girl for very long; I've gone from Monica to Rachel back to Monica to Phoebe to swearing off Monica forever to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel to Phoebe for a good two years then back to Rachel then catching myself before letting Monica back into my faux boudoir back to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel to Phoebe to Rachel's Mom to Rachel to Rachel's Mom to Phoebe and now I think I'm gonna make a serious, adult effort to stick with Rachel from here on out. Time to grow up, goddammit.
And the Final, Last Fucking Word...
...every article that comes out, the writer insists on going out of his way to make sure we know how great these Rutgers girls are - they're great students, they play musical instruments, yada yada. Isn't that missing the point? Wasn't the problem that Imus issued a racial and sexist slur, period? If upon inspection we found out the girls were bad students with no hobbies, would we have shrugged our shoulders and let it go? Enough with the fucking painting pictures. The suggestion that the better we can make these girls look makes his comments that much worse neuters the original comment in and of itself. So knock it off. If you were on board with calling them nappy-headed hos until you found out one of them knows origami, then you're part of the problem.
Women Dating?
What's the deal with women and dating? Buddy of mine mentioned the other night that all the girls we know, they never have dates. Really? I guess I always assume any decent-looking chick I know is out on 4 dates a week. But I do hear women moaning and groaning that nobody asks them out. Then in the same breath, rolling their eyes re: some dude hitting on her etc...so what gives? Are good-looking women really being passed over by dudes, or are women not counting the dudes that they reject? And is this whole "men don't approach beautiful women" a bunch of nonsense? Are hot women really sittin at home on Friday nights with their tivo humming? Should I just play the odds and myths and ask out every single woman I know? As I type this is it large on a tv screen a la "Sex and the City"? Can I please stop typing before I officially hit "gay"?
Sunday, April 15, 2007
For Fuck's Sake, Say SOMETHING
What’s striking about the whole Imus fiasco is that not a single person, in my eyes, came out having even remotely done or said the right thing. Imus, white people, black people, Al/Jesse, the corporate big wigs, the dudes who had peddled their books on his show for years, the Rutgers coach, Snoop Dogg, etc etc. I’ll give a slight pass to the players, but I’ve already lamented how I feel they dropped the ball. AND absolutely no good has really come outta this; we’ve learned nothing, and does anyone feel like the gap between races has closed at all? Nyet. Hell, even 9/11 gave us a brief time of warm fuzzies, the world loving us. This episode? Nothing. And the timing of it, right between the death of Eddie Robinson and the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's debut, coupled with the Duke case teaching us that "innocent til proven guilty" is only another lie spoonfed to us ("please sir, may I have another?!") makes me wonder if there has been another collective psyche-damaging week like this in recent history. And this dream of completely rinsing rap of misogyny and violence is a pipe-dream distraction right now, so don’t even try that one on me...
And one man in particular let me down. The Gladness Rowdies will pounce on me, but Barack Obama jumping onto the “fire him!” bandwagon? Really? Where’s the fresh, new look on race relations, where’s this outside-the-box thinking borne from a lifetime of tolerance and worldliness? Where’s the “hope”, where’s the “optimism” he’s cast a spell on us with? Nowhere to be found. When it was his turn to speak up, nothing new, nothing thoughtful, just “yeah, fire him.” Doesn’t sound like the unprecedented, brand-new type of leader we’ve been sold on, does it?
Of course, the main problem is that right now, Obama is a politician who is running for president, and that takes precedence over all else. The funniest thing I’ve heard is a few people grumbling that why isn’t Obama taking over Sharpton’s role. Are you kidding me? Obama is running for president, which means for the next 18 months he can say absolutely nothing that isn’t bland, planned and....I’m at a loss for a third word that rhymes with "and", but you get my point. We’ve created a system where the person we elect to lead us is the person that raises the most money and says absolutely nothing that might ignite a spark of controversy or even thought. He and every other candidate has their hands in every misogynist/racist rapper’s pocketbook because dirty money and saying nothing trumps new ideas and taking a stand on ANYTHING. Not very inspiring, is it?
I like Obama. If my horse in the race Edwards drops out tomorrow I will turn to him as my guy. But I don’t wanna hear anymore about this “hope” and “optimism” and “new kind of leader” if he’s just gonna say the same old shit as everyone else so he can be grabbing fistfuls of dollars. Am I being unfairly harsh on him? Maybe. But only for expecting more from him, hoping for a higher standard. Which I’m tired of thinking is a crime when choosing the next President of the United States.
And one man in particular let me down. The Gladness Rowdies will pounce on me, but Barack Obama jumping onto the “fire him!” bandwagon? Really? Where’s the fresh, new look on race relations, where’s this outside-the-box thinking borne from a lifetime of tolerance and worldliness? Where’s the “hope”, where’s the “optimism” he’s cast a spell on us with? Nowhere to be found. When it was his turn to speak up, nothing new, nothing thoughtful, just “yeah, fire him.” Doesn’t sound like the unprecedented, brand-new type of leader we’ve been sold on, does it?
Of course, the main problem is that right now, Obama is a politician who is running for president, and that takes precedence over all else. The funniest thing I’ve heard is a few people grumbling that why isn’t Obama taking over Sharpton’s role. Are you kidding me? Obama is running for president, which means for the next 18 months he can say absolutely nothing that isn’t bland, planned and....I’m at a loss for a third word that rhymes with "and", but you get my point. We’ve created a system where the person we elect to lead us is the person that raises the most money and says absolutely nothing that might ignite a spark of controversy or even thought. He and every other candidate has their hands in every misogynist/racist rapper’s pocketbook because dirty money and saying nothing trumps new ideas and taking a stand on ANYTHING. Not very inspiring, is it?
I like Obama. If my horse in the race Edwards drops out tomorrow I will turn to him as my guy. But I don’t wanna hear anymore about this “hope” and “optimism” and “new kind of leader” if he’s just gonna say the same old shit as everyone else so he can be grabbing fistfuls of dollars. Am I being unfairly harsh on him? Maybe. But only for expecting more from him, hoping for a higher standard. Which I’m tired of thinking is a crime when choosing the next President of the United States.
No Justice!!!!
After whining a while back bout never finding my hero Jeff Lamp on the internets, I found this clip....of all things, the final minutes of the 1981 Virginia Cavaliers (my squad of all squads, went on to the Final Four that year) having their 28-game winning streak snapped by ND. And to pour straight nacl in, it's my #1 superguy throwing the ball away just as Al McGuire remarks "the right man got the ball." sigh.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Noise. Noise. Noise. Noise. Noise.
Yesterday I touched on being enraged by noise, be it in bars or even at the ballpark. I have written before in this blog about the absurdity of loud, screeching music in porn. Drives me insane. And this being Naked Weekend at my loft, I settled in earlier for some adult entertainment and VOILA!! As soon as the fucking starts, Steve Vai comes crawling outta my tv speakers and into my eardrums, drowning out any aural erotic pleasure. I still haven't figured out why the fuck they do this, why they insist on drowning out one of our senses that can add to the sensuality. Why not fucking scramble the picture too? What more can these fucking people do to lesson the erotic experience; how bout the next dvd I buy comes with a guy whose job is to walk in and chop my fucking dick off too? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAArrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!
The fucking 35 year old hipsters on my street playing on skateboards, the 25 year olds in bands obsessing with the 80s music just before their own time, the fucking idiots my age blathering on about their H & R Puffenstuff lunchbox. All been driving me crazy lately, and this guy just about nails it.
Tarantino and I are the same age — we were both born in 1963 — so I'm speaking middle-aged guy to middle-aged guy when I say that it's time to put away childish things. Manic jags of hyperbole about vintage crap start to wear thin once you're only a couple of Presidential elections away from your AARP years.
I Promise I Have a Porn Post Coming Up Next
I see the last image we’re gonna have of the Rutgers’ women is, according to reports, being driven to sobs by an old white “shock jock” while holed up in the governor’s mansion before leaving him twisting in the wind overnight while they consider his 199th apology, this one after getting the final axe from radio. Which, to me, is a sad ending.
At the same time, every channel on tv is ranting and raving re: we need to get rid of such language (hos, niggers etc) within the rap culture that permeates the airwaves and floods the streets. Are we high? Some old white guy gets shit-canned and 50 Cent is gonna turn off the dollar faucets? Excuse me? No. Won’t happen. Snoop Dogg has already said he ain't changing shit. And he's the Doggfatha for chrissake!
However. I know I’m being naive here. BUT. We’ve spent the last few days tripping over ourselves about how “amazing”, “classy”, “intelligent” etc etc these young women are. But now that Imus is fired, as I said before, they will slip into the ether as soon as someone else says something stupid and we can uprise again, newly frenzied. Nothing having changed. No real legacy. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to keep Imus on and, as I remarked yesterday, let these women CONTROL part of the show? If these women are so incredible, and we do know they are 1) black (mostly) 2) young enough to be hip, but old enough to be looked up to, wouldn’t it make sense to give them a segment of Imus’ show - be it I don’t know, once/twice a week, whatever - where some of them appear and not only talk to Imus and guests about race (or whatever they want to, actually) but, for the benefit of youngsters, tell the audience what they would prefer young boys and girls listen to? Instead of listening to yet another cut about glocks and bitches, here’s what I like, try this; I like this book you might too, check out his flick opening on Friday etc etc. Some old white guy getting fired is not gonna make any young black kid care about anything; but if every Thursday morning at 7am they can tune in and really learn something from young women they can relate to, wouldn’t that be something? No, I wouldn't expect a youngster to listen to Imus any other minute of his show, they can change the channel when McCain comes on, but if they tune into these girls on a regular basis and like what they hear, that could make for a big difference, no? If these girls are the paragon of excellence we’ve said they are, how are they gonna make a difference on such a grand scale any other way? Or should we just cast them off, now that we're done using them for our latest episode of outrage du'jour?
And yes, they could get their own show somewhere else, but what could be better than this setup – they roll into the very house of hatred that had attacked them and own part of it. They can discuss things, they can argue things, they can influence from inside the very place that was the grain of sand that rolled into a ... boulder? Fuck, I was on a roll. All at the same time, as I said earlier, showing BY EXAMPLE tolerance and forgiveness. Or are these just empty, rote words we throw around?
This is unprecedented - young, black woman that can take hold of a national, white stage and affect real change. We always say if you wanna change something, you gotta do it from the inside. Well, here’s our chance.
At the same time, every channel on tv is ranting and raving re: we need to get rid of such language (hos, niggers etc) within the rap culture that permeates the airwaves and floods the streets. Are we high? Some old white guy gets shit-canned and 50 Cent is gonna turn off the dollar faucets? Excuse me? No. Won’t happen. Snoop Dogg has already said he ain't changing shit. And he's the Doggfatha for chrissake!
However. I know I’m being naive here. BUT. We’ve spent the last few days tripping over ourselves about how “amazing”, “classy”, “intelligent” etc etc these young women are. But now that Imus is fired, as I said before, they will slip into the ether as soon as someone else says something stupid and we can uprise again, newly frenzied. Nothing having changed. No real legacy. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to keep Imus on and, as I remarked yesterday, let these women CONTROL part of the show? If these women are so incredible, and we do know they are 1) black (mostly) 2) young enough to be hip, but old enough to be looked up to, wouldn’t it make sense to give them a segment of Imus’ show - be it I don’t know, once/twice a week, whatever - where some of them appear and not only talk to Imus and guests about race (or whatever they want to, actually) but, for the benefit of youngsters, tell the audience what they would prefer young boys and girls listen to? Instead of listening to yet another cut about glocks and bitches, here’s what I like, try this; I like this book you might too, check out his flick opening on Friday etc etc. Some old white guy getting fired is not gonna make any young black kid care about anything; but if every Thursday morning at 7am they can tune in and really learn something from young women they can relate to, wouldn’t that be something? No, I wouldn't expect a youngster to listen to Imus any other minute of his show, they can change the channel when McCain comes on, but if they tune into these girls on a regular basis and like what they hear, that could make for a big difference, no? If these girls are the paragon of excellence we’ve said they are, how are they gonna make a difference on such a grand scale any other way? Or should we just cast them off, now that we're done using them for our latest episode of outrage du'jour?
And yes, they could get their own show somewhere else, but what could be better than this setup – they roll into the very house of hatred that had attacked them and own part of it. They can discuss things, they can argue things, they can influence from inside the very place that was the grain of sand that rolled into a ... boulder? Fuck, I was on a roll. All at the same time, as I said earlier, showing BY EXAMPLE tolerance and forgiveness. Or are these just empty, rote words we throw around?
This is unprecedented - young, black woman that can take hold of a national, white stage and affect real change. We always say if you wanna change something, you gotta do it from the inside. Well, here’s our chance.
Fatty Fat Fatterson
I see scientists have found a gene that can add up to 15% more body fat on certain people. In today's world this means they will work to isolate the gene, and use this as a quick fix to make fat people skinny again. Now, me of all people should be banging on the door for this, and very quickly before my heart seizes the next time I wrap a piece of buttered bread around a raw hot dog during "Rosanne." And by "wrap a piece of buttered bread around a raw hot dog during "Rosanne", you know I mean "taking a piece of Wonder bread, laying on some Krasdale spread, only $1.99/bucket, wrapping said bread around a chicken/pork/beef frankfurter that I can't even be bothered to wait til it's cooked, and stuffing it down my gullet, along with it's 4 other heroic brothers while sitting absolutely still on he couch as Becky and Mark move back into Dan and Rosie's house for the 9th time." Oh, did you think that was a euphimism for jerking off? You KNOW if you try to fire off a round to Becky, you have about 15 seconds before Rosanne wanders onscreen; it's impossible. Where was I? Oh yeah.
Yes, I know some people are just born fucked when it comes to obesity and it will never change, so that's one side of it. But I think it's safe to assume the mass of us are like me: just fucking lazy. Now if I can just easily have this gene manipulated, doesn't this just unfairly level the playing field? If I can't get off my fat ass, exercise and lay off the buttered croissants deep-fried in leftover fois gras grease and dipped in chocolate, isn't that a real character flaw that SHOULD keep me from scoring with the supermodel of my dreams? What's next, removing somebody's "asshole" gene? Someone's "cheating with your sister in a Cub Scout uniform soaked in urine" gene? Our various pros and cons are what we use in the jockeying for women's attentions; how long til we're just the exact same guy? And at the point of absolute conformity, ironically, every dude on the planet could then make an agreement to let themselves get fat, eschewing the gym for chicken mcnuggets, since if we're all the exact same anyways, chicks have to accept it....hmm...maybe I'll just let everyone else catch up...(warming up frozen tater tots in my armpits)
Yes, I know some people are just born fucked when it comes to obesity and it will never change, so that's one side of it. But I think it's safe to assume the mass of us are like me: just fucking lazy. Now if I can just easily have this gene manipulated, doesn't this just unfairly level the playing field? If I can't get off my fat ass, exercise and lay off the buttered croissants deep-fried in leftover fois gras grease and dipped in chocolate, isn't that a real character flaw that SHOULD keep me from scoring with the supermodel of my dreams? What's next, removing somebody's "asshole" gene? Someone's "cheating with your sister in a Cub Scout uniform soaked in urine" gene? Our various pros and cons are what we use in the jockeying for women's attentions; how long til we're just the exact same guy? And at the point of absolute conformity, ironically, every dude on the planet could then make an agreement to let themselves get fat, eschewing the gym for chicken mcnuggets, since if we're all the exact same anyways, chicks have to accept it....hmm...maybe I'll just let everyone else catch up...(warming up frozen tater tots in my armpits)
Warning: Kerfuffle Ahead
Lost in all of this kerfuffle is that I've fund a new favorite spice: Cumin. Had no idea this was the base of so much, to borrow the title of Chapter 14 of my memoirs, "Chili and Beef Have I Loved." Looking forward to many, many, MANY good times ahead.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Chop Chop
Well, there you have it - CBS is "revulsed" by Imus' words and have given him the axe. Of course, it took them almost 9 days to be "revulsed." And their "revulsion" coincided with sponsors pulling the plug.
As I feared earlier, this is too much, this is an overreach and now you can feel it swinging back in the other direction. Instead of using this as an opportunity, we have screamed and stomped our feet with such fervor that such a chance for possible change is dead and buried and, like an eyewitness shot dead before testifying, of no use.
Is this right? Is this the direction to take? Or, instead of bringing us together and creating meaningful dialogue is this going to be a flashpoint for white people to look at the next black person they see with resentment, shaking their heads and causing even more distance?
Great article by Jason Whitlock here.
As I feared earlier, this is too much, this is an overreach and now you can feel it swinging back in the other direction. Instead of using this as an opportunity, we have screamed and stomped our feet with such fervor that such a chance for possible change is dead and buried and, like an eyewitness shot dead before testifying, of no use.
Is this right? Is this the direction to take? Or, instead of bringing us together and creating meaningful dialogue is this going to be a flashpoint for white people to look at the next black person they see with resentment, shaking their heads and causing even more distance?
Great article by Jason Whitlock here.
Quiet For Fuck's Sake
I'm officially jealous of the bars I see on tv. At the Lobo Lounge (Rosanne) and of course Cheers, people can sit and have a beer in a QUIET bar and chat with their friends. Me? Every fucking bar I go to, I have to scream in my companion's ear and then strain to hear their response. Every fucking bar, no matter what night or time or even IF THERE'S ANYONE ELSE IN THERE!!!!! I may be getting old and cranky, has it always been this bad? Seems to be getting worse. Fucking hell. Is this a NYC thing? Then again, you can't even goto the fucking ballpark anymore and relax and talk without having to scream. And at worst I guess I have to live with cuts coming from the jukebox via paying customers, but these fucking bartenders that CRANK their iPOds to fucking 10 on me?? I know I'm old. I just want a nice, quiet bar I can sit and have a fucking conversation in. Two rules I'm adopting from now on: if I have to stand up while drinking a beer or scream to be heard, I'm leaving. Enough.
If We're Not Gonna Hear about the War or Why On Earth Gonzales Hasn't Been Fired, We Might as Well Talk About This...
Will Ian Ziering pose for Playgirl? The “90210” star is hot again because of his moves on “Dancing With the Stars,” and was offered $100,000 to pose for the skin mag, according to In Touch Weekly. But even if he accepts the offer, Ziering will have to wait until his gig on the dance show is over
My blood runs cold, CLAP CLAP! my memory has just been sold...
Fired. Blew it?
Now that total and complete victory (well, once the Radio complies as well) has been achieved, ain’t no use bloviating bout the usual at this point. No, Imus shouldn’t have used those words, even in jest. Nor is there any truck with the argument “well, black people say it, it’s a double standard.” And don’t bore me re: “maybe now rappers et al will re-examine their language about young women”; much like the real impetus behind MSNBC’s decision, as long as talking about young women being pieces of meat makes $$$$$, it will not stop. Period.
But I am bothered that the punishment does not fit the crime. In my eyes. We have evolved into a culture now when someone messes up, we’re not happy until total and complete action is taken; it is not enough to rail on you publicly and suspend you and hang the tag of “racist” on you for the rest of your life, we are not happy until you have been completely destroyed. Fired, sent to your ranch and no matter what you’ve done in your life you will be remembered only for a few words you foolishly said one nebulous morning.
I feel that the Rutgers Ladies, as classy and great as they’ve been, have misused the opportunity (strange word to use here, but stay with me) they were given. Instead of themselves controlling what happens, they’ve let themselves become pawns in a game bigger than themselves. They could have spoken up and instead of letting him be fired, really taught the world AND Don Imus, maybe an old dog who could still learn a few tricks, about forgiveness, tolerance. Turning the other cheek, taking the high road. Yes, it’s easy for me to say this, that when a white guy fucks up a black person should forgive etc. But whats the legacy here? What’s been won? Imus will either just slide away into oblivion or end up on satellite radio, where he can be as malicious as he wants. These girls, who were pushed by the media into thinking this is their Rosa Parks moment, will be immediately forgotten as soon as the next incident like this occurs. I guarantee this. Instead, they could’ve insisted on forgiveness/tolerance. They could say don’t fire him, make him be on the tv everyday reminding people what he did, make him REALLY atone. Maybe they could’ve been remembered as the young ladies who turned the Imus program into a more thoughtful, meaningful show. He’s already said he wants more black people on the show, some gentle prodding from these girls re: more daily content on the subject of racism could make a huge difference. Remember, Imus’ show is HUGE. Teaching him lessons on forgiveness and tolerance is a hell of a thing, passed on to millions of viewers every day. Instead, they will be remembered as the girls who were the “nappy hos” that got Imus fired. Is this conclusion even a battle in the war? I don’t think so.
Let’s be honest. There’s awful racism every day. Black people mishandled by cops, passed over for jobs. There’s entire nations of people being slaughtered that we couldn’t care less about because their skin is dark. Now here comes a moment that while offensive and abusive, blew up into a maelstrom of publicity that ironically could’ve resulted in better words and deeds than the thoughtless words that started it. REAL change and dialogue could have been borne out of mere words, not 41 or 50 bullets or even worse. But no. We’re not happy without “total victory.”
It’s not fair for me to be hard on these girls, I know this. They didn’t ask for this. They’re young. All they’re trying to do is go to college. But I’m bitter that they’re not trying a route other than “fire him.” It’s like torture – it might seem like it works for the moment, but in the end doesn’t move us forward.
I understand the anger. I also understand our celebrity/culture/media’s intense need to sensationalize, drive ourselves into a frenzy, each trying to out-outrage the other. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something eerie about the coincidence of the Duke Lacrosse fiasco closing the books this week. Lives ruined because of our need to go crazy.
I know my white guilt is supposed to make me horrified at anyone who doesn’t want Imus attacked by wolfpups right now. But at this moment, and I know I’m wrong and will regret this tomorrow, at this moment I could care less if Imus meets with these girls. What’s the point? More groveling, more “I know I’m an idiot” etc etc. We will all run each other over to proclaim how classy and amazing these girls are. Which I’m not saying isn’t true. But if he said you know what, enuff, fuck this I’m done meeting and apologizing when I’m just gonna get buried even more, I can’t say right now I’d go crazy on him.
I just have a bad feeling these girls are gonna look back as they get older and think maybe they coulda done things differently. Which we all do anyways, looking back at our youth. But in the upcoming weeks, I for one don’t wanna hear these girls pepper their speeches with “Jesus” and “the Bible” etc etc. Cause when they had a chance to affect REAL change as Jesus would have, they said nothing and allowed this execution. And on a side note, I don’t wanna hear MSNBC (and surely CBS radio) self-righteously proclaim they’ve dropped him because of the words themselves and not the fact that sponsors have pulled out along with their ta-da! Moolah.
Anyways, that’s that. Imus was wrong, he’s been wrong many times with his mouth. But he also could’ve become an (ironic) instrument of great change. Again, I know I’m prolly being unfairly harsh on the young ladies, but just feels like we blew a big chance here.
But I am bothered that the punishment does not fit the crime. In my eyes. We have evolved into a culture now when someone messes up, we’re not happy until total and complete action is taken; it is not enough to rail on you publicly and suspend you and hang the tag of “racist” on you for the rest of your life, we are not happy until you have been completely destroyed. Fired, sent to your ranch and no matter what you’ve done in your life you will be remembered only for a few words you foolishly said one nebulous morning.
I feel that the Rutgers Ladies, as classy and great as they’ve been, have misused the opportunity (strange word to use here, but stay with me) they were given. Instead of themselves controlling what happens, they’ve let themselves become pawns in a game bigger than themselves. They could have spoken up and instead of letting him be fired, really taught the world AND Don Imus, maybe an old dog who could still learn a few tricks, about forgiveness, tolerance. Turning the other cheek, taking the high road. Yes, it’s easy for me to say this, that when a white guy fucks up a black person should forgive etc. But whats the legacy here? What’s been won? Imus will either just slide away into oblivion or end up on satellite radio, where he can be as malicious as he wants. These girls, who were pushed by the media into thinking this is their Rosa Parks moment, will be immediately forgotten as soon as the next incident like this occurs. I guarantee this. Instead, they could’ve insisted on forgiveness/tolerance. They could say don’t fire him, make him be on the tv everyday reminding people what he did, make him REALLY atone. Maybe they could’ve been remembered as the young ladies who turned the Imus program into a more thoughtful, meaningful show. He’s already said he wants more black people on the show, some gentle prodding from these girls re: more daily content on the subject of racism could make a huge difference. Remember, Imus’ show is HUGE. Teaching him lessons on forgiveness and tolerance is a hell of a thing, passed on to millions of viewers every day. Instead, they will be remembered as the girls who were the “nappy hos” that got Imus fired. Is this conclusion even a battle in the war? I don’t think so.
Let’s be honest. There’s awful racism every day. Black people mishandled by cops, passed over for jobs. There’s entire nations of people being slaughtered that we couldn’t care less about because their skin is dark. Now here comes a moment that while offensive and abusive, blew up into a maelstrom of publicity that ironically could’ve resulted in better words and deeds than the thoughtless words that started it. REAL change and dialogue could have been borne out of mere words, not 41 or 50 bullets or even worse. But no. We’re not happy without “total victory.”
It’s not fair for me to be hard on these girls, I know this. They didn’t ask for this. They’re young. All they’re trying to do is go to college. But I’m bitter that they’re not trying a route other than “fire him.” It’s like torture – it might seem like it works for the moment, but in the end doesn’t move us forward.
I understand the anger. I also understand our celebrity/culture/media’s intense need to sensationalize, drive ourselves into a frenzy, each trying to out-outrage the other. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something eerie about the coincidence of the Duke Lacrosse fiasco closing the books this week. Lives ruined because of our need to go crazy.
I know my white guilt is supposed to make me horrified at anyone who doesn’t want Imus attacked by wolfpups right now. But at this moment, and I know I’m wrong and will regret this tomorrow, at this moment I could care less if Imus meets with these girls. What’s the point? More groveling, more “I know I’m an idiot” etc etc. We will all run each other over to proclaim how classy and amazing these girls are. Which I’m not saying isn’t true. But if he said you know what, enuff, fuck this I’m done meeting and apologizing when I’m just gonna get buried even more, I can’t say right now I’d go crazy on him.
I just have a bad feeling these girls are gonna look back as they get older and think maybe they coulda done things differently. Which we all do anyways, looking back at our youth. But in the upcoming weeks, I for one don’t wanna hear these girls pepper their speeches with “Jesus” and “the Bible” etc etc. Cause when they had a chance to affect REAL change as Jesus would have, they said nothing and allowed this execution. And on a side note, I don’t wanna hear MSNBC (and surely CBS radio) self-righteously proclaim they’ve dropped him because of the words themselves and not the fact that sponsors have pulled out along with their ta-da! Moolah.
Anyways, that’s that. Imus was wrong, he’s been wrong many times with his mouth. But he also could’ve become an (ironic) instrument of great change. Again, I know I’m prolly being unfairly harsh on the young ladies, but just feels like we blew a big chance here.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Welcome to the Mrs. Xmastime Senior Division
Am I the only guy out there with liiiiiiiittle bit of a crush on Nancy? a lil bit? just a lil bit? camon. rich, powerful, always wearing silk shirts. I'm just saying.
Fatherhood 101
I don't have a child of my own, but it seems to me that the most important part of being a father is never let your children see you sleep. Don't let 'em see you sleeping on the couch, don't let them be up and about while your ass is still in bed dreaming that your ex-girlfriend gets eaten by a shark, but her pussy and titties are found by the authorities and presented to you in a ceremony (I'm thinking emotional trumpets and ham biscuits.) What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Don't even let 'em see you in the morning struggling, unshowered/in a robe etc. Not once as a kid was my father in bed while I was up. Even back when he was a state trooper and didn't get in til after midnight, he'd still be up and looking at me with disgust when I'd "finally" roll into the kitchen at 6:30am. This adds to a father's mystique, which I think is very important. My father never laid a hand on us in anger (other than the before-mentioned once a year belts), but he didn't have to - we had it in our minds that if he did, that would be it; they'd find us years later in paint chips, still weakly saying "I'm sorry!" This mystique partly due to us thinking "jesus christ...does this dude sleep? Is he human?" The only time we'd ever see my dad in his robe was Christmas morning, the one time of the year he'd allow himself to have a cold, always timed perfectly with opening presents. He'd look like a bomb had gone off, wearing a robe that looked like a dog had just dug it up from the backyard and went at it with a cheese grater. Other than that, we never saw indication that the man slept. I'm telling you: don't let your kids see you sleep, it's all easy-peazy.
Yankee Haters
As much of a huge Yankees fan I am, I also love Yankee haters. I love to hear them lose their minds to the point of irrationale, and I even understand it. I've been yammering that someone should do a documentary (hosted by of course Leiv Shrieber) about the culture of the true Yankee hater, and I think I would start with the King of All Yankee Haters at what surely is a Top 10 Yankee hater's day, the day after the Yankees tanked it against the Tigers last year. Mad Dog, killin me. And ooooh, creepy picking on the soon to be dead Cory Lidle!
Imus, Ima, Imum
I hate to be a racist here, but is there ANYTHING else the news is talking about other than Imus? We're in a war, the Justice Departments nose is growing by the day and (insert the 119th Xmastime "Nathalie Holloway isn't gonna find herself" joke here.) Every channel. CNN, MSNBC, all Imus. Five hours of Mike and the Mad Dog yesterday, all Imus. On the Today Show Al Roker kept having to pull out his "appropriately solemn" look. fucking christ. I barely squeezed off a round within the first 4 minutes of "Anal Fuckpigz IV", worried that all of a sudden they'd cut to Imus if I didn't issue quickly enough. Enough is enough, we all get it, now get back to pretending to report the news.
There are some people that might be thankful for all this, though.
Pet Food People
Snoop!
Citigroup
Dubya. Just cause. I’m sure he’s massively fucked up SOMEthing today.
Say It Ain’t So, Joe!
The Colonel
PacMan Jones
Roberto Gonzalez
There are some people that might be thankful for all this, though.
Pet Food People
Snoop!
Citigroup
Dubya. Just cause. I’m sure he’s massively fucked up SOMEthing today.
Say It Ain’t So, Joe!
The Colonel
PacMan Jones
Roberto Gonzalez
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Live Blogging I: The Rutgers Women's Basketball Team Press Conference
11:50 First thing I notice is the backdrop – a big canvas advertisement for car insurance. Hmm. Seem appropriate? “Let’s introduce a serious dialogue with these young women re: racism and sexism...and let’s try to move some car insurance while we’re at it.” Interesting.
11:51 I see there’s two white players on the team. And of course these two white girls are in the first five chairs, so they’re on screen the whole time. I know I’m being overly sensitive here, but in the brief glimpses we’re given it looks like the last 5 or so black girls on the end are sharing two chairs while the two white girls are auditioning for the next season of “The Hills.” Interesting. Ooooohh, whoa - first white girl looks just like Winnie Cooper! Hot damn. Makes me think of my childhood. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder. (cue “Turn! Turn! Turn!”)
11:53 Why are these girls in their warmups? They have a game right after the press conference? Wouldn’t it be a bigger “eff you” to show up in their best pantsuits? Classy dresses? Doesn’t showing up in their warm-ups make it seem like they’re kept in a box til gametime? Wtf?
11:54 Who’s the white woman behind them, kinda running the show? The coach? Public affairs office? No idea.
11:56 One of the girls just stated she didn’t know exactly what they’d say to “Doug Imus.” Sigh.
11:57 Where's all the outrage from women? Are black women on their own here? Being called a whore doesn't matter?
11:58 As each girl stands up, they’ve started listing “interesting facts.” Isn’t this precious. Essence plays 4 musical instruments. Heather was second in Big East in blocked shots. Emily hates white people and will do anything to destroy them. Do they do this on Court TV? “I hope they put this dude away for fucking life, he’s a ...oh, wait...he likes puppies and ‘Little House on Plum Creek’?!! Fuck...this is harder than I thought...” Yes that’s a bad analogy since the girls aren’t the accused here, but I’ve had a thing lately about gettin up in Ma Ingalls’ creek-washed pantaloons, so get off my ass.
11:59 I’m reminded of 40 minutes earlier on “The View” when Elisabeth Hasselback reminded herself that it had been a while since she dropped something beyond numbingly fuck-dumb on us and screeched that Imus should be punished “until Black History Month.” Again, Elisabeth, congratulations – you’re the blackest dumb blonde in the world! Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Black people LOVE you!! No word yet on her thoughts re: murderous vampires being punished til Halloween, or racist bunnies til Easter. Fucking christ.
12:00 One of the girls just followed up her indignant statement that Imus has not personally contacted her with saying that she has turned her phone off since the outcry began. Hmm. When the fuck will white people learn to make calls on phones that are not turned on? I hate my race!!!
12:01 The white woman behind them (Coach? Still no idea....let’s call her Belinda just so I don’t hafta keep saying “the white woman behind them”) has just informed the reporters they have time for “one more question before they go to class.” Again...in their warm-ups? What classes are these? What’s going on here with the 24/7 uniforms; are they from the future?
12:03 Just like during Rosa Parks’ funeral I flipped over to BET to see their take. Hmm. Dude blingin’ bout the latest issue of “King” magazine which I can see has a pic shot from behind of a young lady in a thong, bent over with no shirt on looking over her shoulder, licking her lips. Amazingly enough overshadowed by the host guy who’s wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m Absolutely Stupid.”
12:07 Belinda just snapped at a player who had started talking while sitting down to “STAND UP!!” yowzza!! Crack the whip!! Ouch.
12:10 Winnie’s talking!....nothing. Be funny if Imus only apologizes to her, wouldn’t it? “Winnie...I’m so sorry (sincere hug)...who brought the Pointer Sisters?” I know, I know....I’m going to hell.
12:11 Belinda’s got her mitts all over these girls. On their shoulders, on their backs. Lotta same-sex touching. This isn’t “Stand by Me” for fuck’s sake, ease up lady. This isn’t your locker room after you’ve slipped a wine spritzer into the team Gatorade.
12:13 Anyone else going to hell for noticing that the backdrop at a press conference about racism and sexism is black and pink? Anyone?
12:17 A reporter just asked Team Captain Essence Carson what programming she thinks will replace Imus for the 2 weeks he’s suspended. Good lord.
Anyways. Maybe Imus can offer lifetime passes to the girls to his ranch for as many children as they wish. Now that I think about it, what the fuck DOES go on at the ranch?
11:51 I see there’s two white players on the team. And of course these two white girls are in the first five chairs, so they’re on screen the whole time. I know I’m being overly sensitive here, but in the brief glimpses we’re given it looks like the last 5 or so black girls on the end are sharing two chairs while the two white girls are auditioning for the next season of “The Hills.” Interesting. Ooooohh, whoa - first white girl looks just like Winnie Cooper! Hot damn. Makes me think of my childhood. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder. (cue “Turn! Turn! Turn!”)
11:53 Why are these girls in their warmups? They have a game right after the press conference? Wouldn’t it be a bigger “eff you” to show up in their best pantsuits? Classy dresses? Doesn’t showing up in their warm-ups make it seem like they’re kept in a box til gametime? Wtf?
11:54 Who’s the white woman behind them, kinda running the show? The coach? Public affairs office? No idea.
11:56 One of the girls just stated she didn’t know exactly what they’d say to “Doug Imus.” Sigh.
11:57 Where's all the outrage from women? Are black women on their own here? Being called a whore doesn't matter?
11:58 As each girl stands up, they’ve started listing “interesting facts.” Isn’t this precious. Essence plays 4 musical instruments. Heather was second in Big East in blocked shots. Emily hates white people and will do anything to destroy them. Do they do this on Court TV? “I hope they put this dude away for fucking life, he’s a ...oh, wait...he likes puppies and ‘Little House on Plum Creek’?!! Fuck...this is harder than I thought...” Yes that’s a bad analogy since the girls aren’t the accused here, but I’ve had a thing lately about gettin up in Ma Ingalls’ creek-washed pantaloons, so get off my ass.
11:59 I’m reminded of 40 minutes earlier on “The View” when Elisabeth Hasselback reminded herself that it had been a while since she dropped something beyond numbingly fuck-dumb on us and screeched that Imus should be punished “until Black History Month.” Again, Elisabeth, congratulations – you’re the blackest dumb blonde in the world! Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Black people LOVE you!! No word yet on her thoughts re: murderous vampires being punished til Halloween, or racist bunnies til Easter. Fucking christ.
12:00 One of the girls just followed up her indignant statement that Imus has not personally contacted her with saying that she has turned her phone off since the outcry began. Hmm. When the fuck will white people learn to make calls on phones that are not turned on? I hate my race!!!
12:01 The white woman behind them (Coach? Still no idea....let’s call her Belinda just so I don’t hafta keep saying “the white woman behind them”) has just informed the reporters they have time for “one more question before they go to class.” Again...in their warm-ups? What classes are these? What’s going on here with the 24/7 uniforms; are they from the future?
12:03 Just like during Rosa Parks’ funeral I flipped over to BET to see their take. Hmm. Dude blingin’ bout the latest issue of “King” magazine which I can see has a pic shot from behind of a young lady in a thong, bent over with no shirt on looking over her shoulder, licking her lips. Amazingly enough overshadowed by the host guy who’s wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m Absolutely Stupid.”
12:07 Belinda just snapped at a player who had started talking while sitting down to “STAND UP!!” yowzza!! Crack the whip!! Ouch.
12:10 Winnie’s talking!....nothing. Be funny if Imus only apologizes to her, wouldn’t it? “Winnie...I’m so sorry (sincere hug)...who brought the Pointer Sisters?” I know, I know....I’m going to hell.
12:11 Belinda’s got her mitts all over these girls. On their shoulders, on their backs. Lotta same-sex touching. This isn’t “Stand by Me” for fuck’s sake, ease up lady. This isn’t your locker room after you’ve slipped a wine spritzer into the team Gatorade.
12:13 Anyone else going to hell for noticing that the backdrop at a press conference about racism and sexism is black and pink? Anyone?
12:17 A reporter just asked Team Captain Essence Carson what programming she thinks will replace Imus for the 2 weeks he’s suspended. Good lord.
Anyways. Maybe Imus can offer lifetime passes to the girls to his ranch for as many children as they wish. Now that I think about it, what the fuck DOES go on at the ranch?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
5 Cuts You Need to Hear Right Now
(Note: on some of these yes, you have to click on the song if it doesn't automatically go to the cut I have chosen.)
(Suckahs.)
"4th of July" by Shooter Jennings
"Live Forever" by Billy Joe Shaver
"Eve of Destruction" by PF Sloan
"They Don't Know About Us" by Tracey Ullman
Any of These by Juice Newton
"Way Down Now" by World Party
Trumped by Alanis. Wow.
Boy. When Alanis Morrisette, not generally known for being funny in any way shape or form rags on you, it might be time to step back and think "Maybe I'm an even worse piece of shit Xmastime had even given me credit for after we dropped this steaming pile of crap on the listening world a year ago." fuggin christ.
btw I have no idea if I've spelt Alanis right. and dont care.
btw I have no idea if I've spelt Alanis right. and dont care.
Out of Bounds?
.....to watch one of those help a starving kid in Africa by sending money commercials and think to yourself "well, if I can get one that's really hot." is that bad?
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I Can't Even Keep Up with the Comedy Gold, I Need Radio Tivo
Some dipshit just called up Hannity and asked if Pelosi's trip to Syria was, get this, legal. Cause yeah, I'm sure what with her being the Speaker of the House there's not a lot of lawyers running around; no one to say "hey, you can't do this it's illegal." Is this guy retarded? The most publicized trip to Syria in history, and nobody on either side has noticed it's illegal. This guy's gonna be a hero when one of the 90,000 lawyers on Capitol Hill hears him call in and thinks hey, hadn't thought of that, now we can bust her!!!!!
Fucking idiot.
Fucking idiot.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!!!
Coupla years ago some buddies and I went to Central Park to see the Drive By Truckers. As a goof we stuck around for Charlie Daniels; it was free and besides who can pass up a chance to see him wail on "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"? Of course, Charlie saves the song he knows everyone's there to hear for the very end, so we got treated to his newest American flag-waving cuts and, we were to find out, his ruminations on the current state of our country.
Really, Charlie? Flying planes into buildings is bad, is it? Hmm! How bout that! hadn't thought of that!
We're looking at each other, confused. Is there a group here who's....FOR stealing little girls and molesting them? "Sorry Charlie but we're still cool with that; how bout crankin up 'Wichita Jail'?"
So now him being on Seansy's show got me remembering all this, and with a little searching, found the Holy Grail: Charlie Daniel's Soapbox!
Come on over, take a look at what's on Charlie's mind. Though a quick perusal allows that Charlie's solution to any problem that pops up, be it domestic or foreign, is the same: stop talking, start kickin some A-S-S!!!
"I don't know bout ya'll....but I'm a gettin REEEEEAL tired of people flying airplanes into our buildings!"
Really, Charlie? Flying planes into buildings is bad, is it? Hmm! How bout that! hadn't thought of that!
"I don't know bout ya'll...but I'm a gettin REEEEEAL tired of people takin away little girls, stealin them from their mommas n daddies and messin with 'em..."
We're looking at each other, confused. Is there a group here who's....FOR stealing little girls and molesting them? "Sorry Charlie but we're still cool with that; how bout crankin up 'Wichita Jail'?"
So now him being on Seansy's show got me remembering all this, and with a little searching, found the Holy Grail: Charlie Daniel's Soapbox!
Come on over, take a look at what's on Charlie's mind. Though a quick perusal allows that Charlie's solution to any problem that pops up, be it domestic or foreign, is the same: stop talking, start kickin some A-S-S!!!
Why I Love right-Wing Radio
Sean Hannity, spending the first ten minutes of his show screaming, pleading, writhing on the floor in agony imploring the American people to realize that the Democrats are being complete pussies, that we don't understand how their default to appeasement plays perfectly into the hands of the terrorists who are, and I quote, "about to SWARM into this country and destroy each and every one of us!!!"
Wow. Sounds serious.
Til.
"After this first commercial break we'll be back with our guests Oliver North and Charlie Daniels."
Really? Did I mishear that? Oliver North and Charlie Daniels? Such serious times, and we get a guy who's claim to fame is lying about the Iran-Contra affair and another guy who is...Charlie Daniels. Hmm.
I'm telling you guys, get on this. Hysterical stuff. The unintentional comedy is amazing.
"I, solemny swear, that the chicken was in the bread pan pickin out dough..."
Wow. Sounds serious.
Til.
"After this first commercial break we'll be back with our guests Oliver North and Charlie Daniels."
Really? Did I mishear that? Oliver North and Charlie Daniels? Such serious times, and we get a guy who's claim to fame is lying about the Iran-Contra affair and another guy who is...Charlie Daniels. Hmm.
I'm telling you guys, get on this. Hysterical stuff. The unintentional comedy is amazing.
"I, solemny swear, that the chicken was in the bread pan pickin out dough..."
I Can't Believe I'm About to Use the Word "Fitful"
I would NOT wanna be any brush in Crawford Texas right now; your ass is FUCKED.
I mean, the Chimpster had BARELY gotten to stick his nose in the situation to completely fuck things up (am I fucking dreaming, did we even get any countries at all to hate our guts?? Wtf? is he even trying any more?), probably thinking that while in Crawford this week clearing brush he could think up ways to bloviate about bombing Iran back to the Stone Age, completely terrify us into thinking that Iran was coming to get us over here in the very boat they had seized, and we would have to deploy the KISS Army along with the 3 people in the National Guard who haven't already been on 4 tours of duty to break the collective American foot off in their ass. I.E. What Jesus Would Do. All, of course, to the soundtrack of a brand new Alan Jackson rush-release single "Iraq, Iran, Whoever!" And now Britain has gone behind his back and peacefully ended the crisis without us having a chance to be scared into giving up our rights to wear white socks with khakis. Dammit!! Today's 5-hour nap will be fitful, at best.
"Throughout we have taken a measured approach: firm but calm, not negotiating but not confronting either," Blair said in a brief statement to reporters. "And the disagreements that we have with your government we wish to resolve peacefully through dialogue. I hope, as I have always hoped, that in the future we are able to do so."
I mean, the Chimpster had BARELY gotten to stick his nose in the situation to completely fuck things up (am I fucking dreaming, did we even get any countries at all to hate our guts?? Wtf? is he even trying any more?), probably thinking that while in Crawford this week clearing brush he could think up ways to bloviate about bombing Iran back to the Stone Age, completely terrify us into thinking that Iran was coming to get us over here in the very boat they had seized, and we would have to deploy the KISS Army along with the 3 people in the National Guard who haven't already been on 4 tours of duty to break the collective American foot off in their ass. I.E. What Jesus Would Do. All, of course, to the soundtrack of a brand new Alan Jackson rush-release single "Iraq, Iran, Whoever!" And now Britain has gone behind his back and peacefully ended the crisis without us having a chance to be scared into giving up our rights to wear white socks with khakis. Dammit!! Today's 5-hour nap will be fitful, at best.
RIP Coach Robinson
Some people are lucky to live 56 years; Eddie Robinson had the same job that long. Probably every young man could use someone like Coach Robinson on his ass - every clip I've seen so far today isn't on the football field, but him rolling through the dorms waking dudes up and patrolling the cafeteria barking at them. Who doesn't love this guy? I can still recall my one phone conversation with Coach, me being angry I hadn't gotten a scholarship offer after I had sent in my highlight reel.
"Coach, camon! This is crap! You need me!"
"Son, this is a black school."
"That's discrimination!!"
"Okay. I saw your tape. You suck."
(long pause)
(more long pause)
"you...saw my blocked kick at Lancaster?"
"I gotta go. Good luck." (click)
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"Which one of you ^%$#@#!!* gave Xmastime my digits?"
"Coach, camon! This is crap! You need me!"
"Son, this is a black school."
"That's discrimination!!"
"Okay. I saw your tape. You suck."
(long pause)
(more long pause)
"you...saw my blocked kick at Lancaster?"
"I gotta go. Good luck." (click)
.gif)
"Which one of you ^%$#@#!!* gave Xmastime my digits?"
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
We Get It!!! Enough!!!
Everyone’s all abuzz about the fact that finally, after 5,443 weeks since the last one, the powers that be are letting us mere mortals get another Sopranos episode. Thanks guys. We’re so lucky!!!!
So I’ve been catching an episode here and there on reruns to “catch up”, and I gotta say...can these people eat ANYthing that’s not fucking uber-Italian? Wtf? Every fucking piece of food, its pasta, it’s bruschetta, blahblahscotti. I understand pasta et al is your culture’s go-to meal, I’m cool with that – big celebratory meal, break out the spaghetti bolognese. But Tony comes waddling down the stairs in his robe, peeks his head in the fridge, and asks for what – piece of pie? Leftover meat loaf? No, of course he’s screaming “what happened to all the fucking Gnocchi di semolino??!!!” And Carmen never shoots back with “Sit down and shut up, I’ll make you a tuna fish sandwich”, she’s always like “I’ll make some pansotti alla genovese, go get dressed!” to wit he grunts. Or whit. Wichever.
Enough; every fucking scene they gotta prove how Italian these fuckers are. Here’s Pauly slicing proscutto in the shower, here’s Chrissy eating pizza with 2 spoons. We get it. You’re Italian: you like pasta, you live at home til you’re 40 and you’re the loudest braying ass in whichever room you’re in. You’re more Italian than me, congratulations, you win. Just once, just once can we get one of these mfs burning his hand pulling the frozen tater tots outta the oven with a Little Debbie Fudge Round stuck in his mouth?
So I’ve been catching an episode here and there on reruns to “catch up”, and I gotta say...can these people eat ANYthing that’s not fucking uber-Italian? Wtf? Every fucking piece of food, its pasta, it’s bruschetta, blahblahscotti. I understand pasta et al is your culture’s go-to meal, I’m cool with that – big celebratory meal, break out the spaghetti bolognese. But Tony comes waddling down the stairs in his robe, peeks his head in the fridge, and asks for what – piece of pie? Leftover meat loaf? No, of course he’s screaming “what happened to all the fucking Gnocchi di semolino??!!!” And Carmen never shoots back with “Sit down and shut up, I’ll make you a tuna fish sandwich”, she’s always like “I’ll make some pansotti alla genovese, go get dressed!” to wit he grunts. Or whit. Wichever.
Enough; every fucking scene they gotta prove how Italian these fuckers are. Here’s Pauly slicing proscutto in the shower, here’s Chrissy eating pizza with 2 spoons. We get it. You’re Italian: you like pasta, you live at home til you’re 40 and you’re the loudest braying ass in whichever room you’re in. You’re more Italian than me, congratulations, you win. Just once, just once can we get one of these mfs burning his hand pulling the frozen tater tots outta the oven with a Little Debbie Fudge Round stuck in his mouth?
Hurricane Xmastime
I see now that hurricane season is a 'comin, and will be a "special" one. Great. More 3-hour segments of watching Anderson Cooper standing in the rain. When the fuck did this start? Might've been kinda cool the first time years ago. "Oh wow, dude's gettin blown around. Cool." Now it's like hey, I fucking get it....it's a lot of rain and very windy. Got it. You can come inside now, dipshit. Do we need to see hours and hours of this shit? Is a shark gonna come flying by? At least make it interesting, have him sit there at a card table trying to play Monopoly. That's better than "...so yeah, I'm standing here...it's wet...ooohh, windy!....ahhh..." Or a contest with Death Row inmates - first one who can stand in the hurricane and wrap a Christmas present, you're free to go.
And don't get me started on these names they give these things...just saw a list of the names in the que for 2009....Ana? Bill? DANNY? We don't even call it "Daniel", we go for the boyish nickname, "Danny"? Why not "Poptop"?...GRACE??? Is "Serene" unavailable?...Larry. We're actually calling a hurricane Larry. Unreal. Oh, and Rose. Cause if there's a freakish hell-storm about to land on a city and demolish buildings and kill people, you wanna name it after a flower. Christ. Not really names that make me think "maybe I should get outta town for a while." Can we do something about this? How bout instead of "Hurricane Claudette", we use "Hurricane Your ex-Wife Is Back in Town, Has Lost the 50lbs and Is Looking to Fuck the Phonebook", or "Hurricane What the...Which One of You called Me the N-Word?" Wouldn't these be a bit more intimidating? Camon.
But seriously, enough with the fucking footage. We know what a hurricane looks like. And we don't care.
Well. There are exceptions of course.
And don't get me started on these names they give these things...just saw a list of the names in the que for 2009....Ana? Bill? DANNY? We don't even call it "Daniel", we go for the boyish nickname, "Danny"? Why not "Poptop"?...GRACE??? Is "Serene" unavailable?...Larry. We're actually calling a hurricane Larry. Unreal. Oh, and Rose. Cause if there's a freakish hell-storm about to land on a city and demolish buildings and kill people, you wanna name it after a flower. Christ. Not really names that make me think "maybe I should get outta town for a while." Can we do something about this? How bout instead of "Hurricane Claudette", we use "Hurricane Your ex-Wife Is Back in Town, Has Lost the 50lbs and Is Looking to Fuck the Phonebook", or "Hurricane What the...Which One of You called Me the N-Word?" Wouldn't these be a bit more intimidating? Camon.
But seriously, enough with the fucking footage. We know what a hurricane looks like. And we don't care.
Well. There are exceptions of course.
Reverand Al
I'm getting fucking tired of all the (white) people I see bitching and griping whenever Al Sharpton pops up in the news. "Goddammit" they say, so angry, "every time something happens to someone black he goes running over to them." Shaking their heads, furious. Know what? Fuck you. He's one man. Looks like he's the only one offering help sometimes. White people love to stamp their feet and cry about black people doing shit for themselves and not expecting handouts; then the second one black person tries to help another black person, we're incredibly threatened and insist it ain't right. Cause in the end, I guess only white people have the right to help each other out and try for a better place. Yes, you can make a case he preens for the cameras. So did Jesse. So did MLK. Sometimes you have to. But at least he's showing some leadership in the black community, trying to help those whose voices otherwise would not be heard at all. Meanwhile, something happens to a (blonde, good looking) white person, the fucking media cranks into 8th gear, horrified and never relenting til they find out what happened. Black people have Al Sharpton. White people? White people have the president, Congress, the Supreme Court, the entire government, the police, etc etc etc. So fuck you. God forbid Al Sharpton comes to someone's defense when none of us will. Don't pretend to watch or care, just flip back to your Everybody Loves Raymond reruns and let Al worry about it.
Monday, April 02, 2007
In Love!
Are you kidding me?!?!?!? Kim Kardashian Xmastime! Where has this girl been all this fucking time?!? Up til now, I knew her as the non-celebrity with the celebrity sex tape. But then I stumbled upon some pictures and at this current time I have already had a fantasy whirlwind romance with her - we got married, three days later she fucked all of my friends, I'm crushed, I forgive her and take her back even though she doesn't really care to, I catch her the next day in bed with the guy that wrote "Who Let the Dogs Out?", she vaguely says "oh, I thought it was you", I try to convince myself she's telling the truth, finally can't after accepting that by saying "in bed with the guy that wrote "Who Let the Dogs Out?" it was really "in bed with the team from The Waterboy", run away and spend a year on the road as a country-western singer, crying all day and singing songs about her in every Holiday Inn bar in the country at night, inventing a Philly Cheesesteak powdered flavoring for Ramen Noodles, then hanging myself at a Wal-Mart in Tacoma. After some more research, I can't imagine her probationary period not ending with her at Mrs. Xmastime #1.BRITNEY: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! SHIT'S FOR REAL NOW! I CAN BARELY SEE YOU, FADING AWAY!!!
Your 2007 New York Yankees
One game in, I am now ready to make my Yankee predictions.
110-52
A-Rod 52 dingers. MVP. Hits .459 in postseason, 4 World Series homers. Traded the day after World Series after being voted “Worst Yankee Ever” with 98% of the votes. The other 2% of course reserved for Aaron Boone who, as a result of hurting his knee back in 2003, is the reason we got "stuck with this fucking loser A-Rod!"
Bernie flown back in after Damon has some "dicey cheese”
Abreu 95 doubles. August before we hear what his speaking voice sounds like.
Mo 44 saves. Despite being on vacation in July, when replaced by Danny Almonte as a goof.
Giambi big year, and will be getting up in Cory Lidle's widow's tongety tong tong. Camon. I saw that walk to the mound for the first pitch. You can't include "widow" and "mound" in the same scene and not get some Jordache jeans crumpled on the bedroom floor, right?
Matsui huge year. But will be eaten by a shark before playoffs. Just saying, I got a feeling. Will miss him.
Jeter comes to terms that yes, A-Rod is better looking than him and gives up his feud. “A-Rod will always be better looking,” he tells Michael Kay on Centerstage “but he’ll never be half-white.” Bear hug photo-op at Chuck E. Cheese, no more drama.
Pavano, Pettitte and Weng each win 20 games. Moose? 4. Aight, just tweaking Op...he’ll easily win 5 or 6, no problem.
Yanks will deal for Clemens. Team will rise up like 1980 Olympic Hockey team and vociferously oppose, screaming “dammit George, THIS is your team!! Do not do this!” George threatens to take the french toast sticks out of the post-game spread, team shouts back resoundingly “Sorry! We thought you meant someone else!! Welcome, Roger! Agaain, so sorry, our mistake!!!”
Won’t lose a game in the playoffs. You heard it here first, fans.
110-52
A-Rod 52 dingers. MVP. Hits .459 in postseason, 4 World Series homers. Traded the day after World Series after being voted “Worst Yankee Ever” with 98% of the votes. The other 2% of course reserved for Aaron Boone who, as a result of hurting his knee back in 2003, is the reason we got "stuck with this fucking loser A-Rod!"
Bernie flown back in after Damon has some "dicey cheese”
Abreu 95 doubles. August before we hear what his speaking voice sounds like.
Mo 44 saves. Despite being on vacation in July, when replaced by Danny Almonte as a goof.
Giambi big year, and will be getting up in Cory Lidle's widow's tongety tong tong. Camon. I saw that walk to the mound for the first pitch. You can't include "widow" and "mound" in the same scene and not get some Jordache jeans crumpled on the bedroom floor, right?
Matsui huge year. But will be eaten by a shark before playoffs. Just saying, I got a feeling. Will miss him.
Jeter comes to terms that yes, A-Rod is better looking than him and gives up his feud. “A-Rod will always be better looking,” he tells Michael Kay on Centerstage “but he’ll never be half-white.” Bear hug photo-op at Chuck E. Cheese, no more drama.
Pavano, Pettitte and Weng each win 20 games. Moose? 4. Aight, just tweaking Op...he’ll easily win 5 or 6, no problem.
Yanks will deal for Clemens. Team will rise up like 1980 Olympic Hockey team and vociferously oppose, screaming “dammit George, THIS is your team!! Do not do this!” George threatens to take the french toast sticks out of the post-game spread, team shouts back resoundingly “Sorry! We thought you meant someone else!! Welcome, Roger! Agaain, so sorry, our mistake!!!”
Won’t lose a game in the playoffs. You heard it here first, fans.
Battery. Christ.
My phone just lit up and beeped to let me know the battery is about to die and needs to be recharged. Oh goody, there it goes again. Apparently it does this every 30 seconds. Which, I would think would...wear down the battery. Who's the wizard behind this? If within the next 11 seconds as I walk to my charger I'm attacked by rapid meerkats and can't call for help because my cellie has just died thanks to this shit, I'm suing EVERYbody.
Opening Day/Title Game Night
I almost just had a fucking heart attack. For some reason the clock on my computer is wrong...just looked, and it said 1:16pm. Shit!!!!!!! I missed the start of the Yankees game!!!!!!! Christ.
And actually, I guess it didn't SAY 1:16pm.
Trying to think of what my favorite Final Four is. Will keep you posted. A particular favorite is 1981. Don’t remember the final, but of course followed UVa making the Final Four. Completely crushed by Al Wood. Also was the last consolation game played, and was on the day Reagan got shot I think. Jeff Lamp, Lee Raker and Terry Gates’ last game (whupped LSU.) I’m sure I cried. And I'm working on my screenplay "Where the Hell is Jeff Lamp?"
And actually, I guess it didn't SAY 1:16pm.
Trying to think of what my favorite Final Four is. Will keep you posted. A particular favorite is 1981. Don’t remember the final, but of course followed UVa making the Final Four. Completely crushed by Al Wood. Also was the last consolation game played, and was on the day Reagan got shot I think. Jeff Lamp, Lee Raker and Terry Gates’ last game (whupped LSU.) I’m sure I cried. And I'm working on my screenplay "Where the Hell is Jeff Lamp?"
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